tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7047460163283168445.post1678267073387353996..comments2023-10-15T03:41:18.877-04:00Comments on Homemaking 1-OH-1: Weight.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17072571120206407487noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7047460163283168445.post-64753003878472108982008-08-27T13:51:00.000-04:002008-08-27T13:51:00.000-04:00Isn't it fascinating that all it took to really st...Isn't it fascinating that all it took to really start the ball rolling for you was a <I>comment</I>. It was the same with me...though I never did go so deep into it as you describe here. <BR/><BR/>When I was 18, I dated a guy who actually taught me how to gag myself (!) He used twisted logic to convince me that "my body was the greatest gift God had given me, and if it wasn't in perfect condition, I was abusing the greatest gift I'd ever received". Yeah...I know. He'd work me out like a task master...taking upon himself the role of my personal trainer and monitoring every swallow that passed my sacred lips. <BR/><BR/>I've struggled with the whole body thing ever since. Though I didn't recognize at the time what a complete, controlling, utter mess he was, in the few short months he was in my life, how I felt and related to my body became a mess (though I only gave in to the desire to actually gag myself a few times. Both prompted by his disgust at me eating something so gluttonous as honeydew melon.). <BR/><BR/>I'd never had any problem with my body before him, but I've never <I>not</I> had issues since. (I admit your opening paragraph made me jealous...117! I remember 117! that was really close to my friend 115...which I'd been fine with because of all the "concern" when I was 110.)<BR/><BR/>The game is more intense at some times than others, but it's always there, playing out in the back of my mind. Most people wouldn't believe it, but I probably think about my body and weight more than any morbidly obese person does. I have all the same little games in my mind that you so eloquently described...but for the most part I've managed to ignore them and keep them in check. I think it's similar to the problem of alcoholism...you can stop drinking, but you're still an alcoholic. I eat. I mourn the rising numbers on the scale. I knock the voices down and try to focus on health, fitness and not my fluctuations. But it's hard. <BR/><BR/>Now I have a little ectomorph of a daughter, and it's sick, I know, that I have often silently given thanks that she inherited her dad's body type. I've hoped she won't ever struggle with body issues, and have really tried hard to not pass any along to her. But at the end of the day, we all know it's not about the weight. It's about not loving oneself properly. So working on that is the best way to attack the deamons. <BR/><BR/>I'm glad you have a good man in your life. Doc has been the #1 supporter in me overcoming this as much as I have. And closing in on 40, I realize that chasing youth and beauty is a game I'm essentially done playing. Now I'm tasked with trying to figure out how to mature and grow older with grace and poise...two traits I've never had much mastery over ;-)<BR/><BR/>Hang in there! It <B>really is </B>possible to get to a point where you're happy, healthy, and your actions aren't causing you actual harm. The voice inside can be squelched and you can find joy in moderation. It took courage to write this, and I think that's one of the most cathartic things you can do to heal. It is for me, at least! ♥ to you!Bluehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07019311467241458492noreply@blogger.com