Homemaking 1-OH-1

Into the Darkness

2011-12-30T21:35:00.004-05:00

I feel it happening again. Pulling me down and into the never-ending, deep abyss. I don't know how to fight it...don't know if I want to. Don't know if I will be able to claw my way out. It scares me, but it scares me even more that I almost don't care anymore if I stay there.

A Phone Call

2011-10-12T14:49:00.002-04:00

"Are you getting P a Valentine's Day dress?"

"Um, why would I do that?"

"I don't know I just thought you might. I'm thinking of getting her a little something for Valentine's
Day, a little heart and maybe I'll get her a dress."

That was the start of the last conversation I was to have with my mom. I was a little annoyed and not really paying attention to what she was saying. We hadn't been getting along well the past few months because she had decided to go to a wedding in Jamaica, and I didn't agree with her decision to go. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that. I felt bad for my sister because I felt she would be a burden on her (my mom didn't know many people at this wedding and I know my sister was worried my mom was going to want to be with her the entire time and wasn't going to give her a chance to relax and enjoy her vacation with her husband). But really, I was somewhat jealous that my mom was travelling somewhere I would love to go, and I didn't get a chance to go to. And, my mom often annoyed me because we just rubbed each other the wrong way...it had been that way most of my adult life. Not to mention she would call me several times a week and I often didn't have much new to say...but since P was her only grandchild and she didn't get to see her that often, she would call daily to see if she was doing anything new. So, I was somewhat annoyed and not that excited to be talking to my mom this particular day.

I was in the process of cutting sweet potatoes and putting them in the crockpot for dinner when she called, and she realized that I was busy. So after a few more attempts at getting me to talk to her more in depth she told me she would let me go and would talk to me later. I can't for the life of me remember if I told her I loved her. We almost always ended our conversations with I love you, regardless of whether we were getting along or not. But I can't remember the end of this conversation. I can remember everything else we talked about...from her falling at my sister's exhibition, to P going a lot of places...but I can't remember the end of this short 3 minute conversation. It haunts me now, because I never would have thought this would have been our last conversation. The things I would have said if I would have known. I would have put down my knife and waited a few minutes to get the rest of dinner in the crockpot, to let her know what she had to say was important...and that despite being annoyed with her, that I loved her.

If only I had known it was the last time I'd hear her voice.

One year later

2011-10-03T21:22:00.000-04:00

It has been almost a year since I updated this blog. Longer then that with a post about my life rather then a letter to my little one. It is amazing what a year can mean in a life. Since my dad got sick and passed, I have known that any month, year, day is not to be taken for granted, but I think, in the 7 years since he passed, that I somehow forgot that. And unfortunately, God decided it was time to remind me once again that there are bigger things in life then all the little things I was stressing over thinking were so important...when they weren't.

When I had my baby, I felt my entire world change. It was as if I had finally found my purpose in life, which I had been searching for for quite some time. I felt like I knew how to be a mom and it came so naturally and was so much what I had hoped for. Although I will not lie and say it was not also a struggle. The changes that came from have a baby were unexpected and I had no idea how to handle them. I lost my "freedom" to do what I wanted when I wanted. Her schedule was now my schedule. There was no midnight runs to the grocery store by myself, no heading out in extremely hot or cold weather...no more time to myself for a long time. And, there was NO sleep. I struggled. A lot. Especially after month 4 or 5 when her nursing habits changed and she started waking up every hour and a half. And it kept happening. For months. I believe I probably struggled with a bit of post partum depression. But that is another post. But, it is part of the reason I stopped posting here. I was feeling tired, sad, out of sorts, and didn't want to admit that I might not have been the best mom in the world. I didn't want to be judged, which seems to happen so frequently to moms by other moms. But I digress.

I've found myself in the past year, struggling with old fears and demons. Trying to lose the baby weight brought back many insecurities I thought I had banished 10 years ago or so. But again, that is another post.

Of course many things have happened on our farm as we continue to learn, grow and experiment with new things.

The biggest thing that happened in this year, was beyond life changing. I lost my mom. Just as I was beginning to feel that life was looking up, that I was moving past my grief from losing my dad, that I was appreciating my mom so much more because I understood what it meant to be a mom...God decided he needed her more then I did. It has thrown me into a whirlwind of emotions the last 8 months. Many times I have wanted to write about what I am feeling...but even that is too hard. Lately, I've felt that I need to get it out because it is not helping to keep it in. So here I am, writing again. It may be sporadic. It may not be fun to read, but it will be from the heart and an honest reflection of what I am feeling.

A Taste of Home...and a little giveaway.

2011-08-20T16:38:00.001-04:00

When I was little, my mom didn't cook much. She always told my sister and I that she just hated to cook, and nothing would change that. I know a lot of people that don't like to cook, and you can't hold it against them! :) I must admit I'm glad I didn't inherit that, as I love cooking and baking and anything that has to do with food really, and one of my greatest joys is making things for my family. They don't always turn out well, but I don't expect anything ALWAYS works......right?

While I love to make new meals and try new things, there are a few meals that I always go back to that are quick and easy, and even more so, remind me of home. Because even though my mom didn't like to cook, she did have a few recipes that she did like to make and that even when I grew up and moved out, would make whenever I came home (because she knew I wanted them). The one recipe that always stood out to me was her mac and cheese. And because I love this mac and cheese so much, I thought I would share with you my tweeked version that makes it all the easier! Not to mention, it is unbelieveably easy!

Macaroni and Cheese, Mom Style

Serves 6-8

Ingredients:
1 pound elbow macaroni (or any type of non-stringy noodle)
1 pound extra sharp cheddar cheese
1/4-1/2 cup milk

Directions:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Spray an 8x8 deep cassarole dish. Cook macaroni. While the macaroni is cooking, slice the cheese. And when I say slice, just slice it like you would if you were serving it for cheese and crackers. Once the macaroni is cooked, place 1/2 the macaroni in the bottom of the cassarole dish. Cover that layer with cheese. Cover the cheese layer with the rest of the macaroni. And top it off with another layer of cheese. I normally make sure to cover every bit of macaroni...because I like cheese. So, if you want to do that, you may need a bit more cheese! :) Once everything is layered, pour milk into the pan. I always err on the side of more milk (1/2 cup) because I don't want the macaroni to dry out...and you can always pour out any remaining milk if needed after you remove the dish from the oven. Place the dish in the oven and cook for 30 minutes, or until the cheese and noodles on top are brown and a little crispy. Let cool for a few minutes, and enjoy!

If when you take it out, you still see some milk on the bottom of the dish, let it cool and then drain. It tastes just as good with a little runny milk on the bottom (and when refrigerating leftovers it tends to solidify), so this step isn't necessary, exactly.

This mac and cheese recipe has been a hit with pretty much everyone I have made it for. It is easily adaptable to larger servings (just use a pound of cheese to every pound of macaroni) and you can easily make your own additions if desired. Also, would you believe I didn't realize that mac and cheese isn't typically baked like this until I met my husband? :)

I wish I had some pictures for you all, but I haven't been able to make this dish in quite some time. Next time I make it, I will be sure to take pictures and add them to this post though!

Now, for the other fun part! I am submitting this recipe to the Tastes From Home with Frito-Lay Sweepstakes. You can enter as well, and I encourage you to if you have a good recipe that reminds you of home!

Frito-Lay has been kind enough to send me some chips to giveaway to my readers. They have new chips coming out that are inspired by regional flavors and include all the flavors you see here:

A little more about them:

They are made with all-natural ingredients and cooked in healthier oils like corn and sunflower oils

There is less sodium in a serving then in a bagel!

To be eligible to win the bag of chips, all you need to do is respond to this post with a recipe that reminds you of home. Maybe I'll even try your recipe and post about it on my blog? :)

This giveaway will end on Wednesday, August 31st, at 11:59pm.

Can't wait to see what you leave me with!

Starting Again

2011-08-01T10:43:00.000-04:00

Hi Everyone,

Been a long time since I last posted. I've been through a lot. I wanted to post...to get my feelings out...but it was so hard. I was also struggling with where I wanted to go with the blog. I have some ideas and some things I would like to post about, so I anticipate that things will hopefully start picking up around here again. :) Hopefully too, there will be some changes for the positive, once I get the time, but until then, it will be good to at least be posting again. :)

Hopefully some of you are still around... :)

The perfect costume

2010-11-04T20:55:00.005-04:00

I must admit, I was extremely excited for P's first Halloween. This is probably the only time I'll really get a say in her costume right? :) B and I had an idea for a costume LONG before Halloween came around, but when we started searching for it, came across another, that was absolutely perfect. We even took her out trick or treating with her cousin and she loved seeing all the people.

At any rate, here she is, my SKUNK! :)

In the yard before trick or treat

I just love this face! :)

Not sure what to make of everyone around her, but getting ready to head out!

We got rave reviews all around, and I can't begin to tell you how many people said it was their favorite costume of the evening. I thought she looked adorable, and kind of wish it would fit next year too! I love having a little one to dress up!

This post was written as part of the SITS Halloween Party. You should check it out!

Pumpkin Carving

2010-11-02T20:40:00.005-04:00

When I was little, my favorite thing about Halloween, besides the candy, was carving pumpkins. Of course, I couldn't carve the pumpkin myself, but my dad always had my sister and I draw our faces on our pumpkins and he would carve them out. Every year, I wanted the same thing. A pumpkin with heart eyes and messed up teeth in his smile. He also had to have ears. I think my dad had an incredibly hard time with my heart eyes, but he never complained. :)

After I grew up and went to college, I stopped carving pumpkins, although I did paint a few. After B and I got married, we began carving pumpkins again. I was excited to make a pumpkin with a fun face, but when I got the carving kit, it came with tons of neat designs that we could carve on our pumpkins. So, we decided to try those out instead and loved the results. This is what our very first pumpkins looked like:

My only disappointment was that they went bad so quickly after so much work!

This year, we had P, and while we planned to carve a fun pumpkin for her, somehow one of the pumpkins we bought went bad. So, while we didn't carve one for her, she did get to play with a small one and watch her mommy and daddy carve theirs. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

B and I again carved some elaborate pumpkins (his moreso then mine with the werewolf), and I loved it. I'm not a crafty individual, persay, so to be able to make something like this is fun for me.
Next year though, P will definitely have a carved pumpkin!

I wrote this post as a part of the SITS Halloween Party...you should check it out!

Ghosts of Halloween Past

2010-10-30T22:37:00.003-04:00

I've always loved Halloween...getting dressed up and of course, the candy. When I was little, I had many favorite costumes and good times. We often celebrated at our church with apple bobbing, costume contests and games before we would go out and get lots of candy. Of course, Halloween has changed from when I was young. I remember we would always go out right at dusk, on October 31st, and knock on the doors that had lights on. When the door opened, we would shout "Trick or Treat," and we would go until there were hardly any lights left on (because people had run out of candy!). Nowadays, where I live, Trick or Treat is a set day, hardly ever on the actual Halloween, and a set time, normally before dark. People sit outside and pass out candy, there is no knocking on doors. It makes me sad that it has changed so much.

After I grew up and began my big kid job, Halloween was a BIG weekend at my job. The university I worked at was known for the block party at Halloween, and my job required me to be on duty pretty much all weekend during Halloween. Although it required long hours and we were often quite tired, I loved Halloween weekend because it meant good food and great staff bonding time. We weren't allowed to dress up, but at the staff meeting beforehand, we would normally dress up and have fun. I loved that Halloween took on a new meaning for me during these years and that it could still be so fun.

Some of my staff one Halloween (that is me in the middle...I was supposed to be a ninja...not sure it entirely looked like that!)

Now, I have my daughter, and I look forward to seeing how she enjoys Halloween and Trick or Treating. I hope it is as much fun for her as it has been for me through all these years.

This post was written as a part of the Halloween Party over at SITS. You should check it out!

7 months

2010-10-13T22:56:00.003-04:00

Princess P,

You are 7 months old today. Time is flying!

This month you've really focused on trying to talk more. You've gotten dada and daddy down really well. You make some m sounds, and continue to say hey, and hi. I believe we even hear nanana and gaga. I'm hoping by next month you'll have mama down, but who knows.

You are crawling better then ever, and no longer feel like you have to stay in the room with mommy and daddy. Now, you just take off and go to the other room with no problem. I love the way you crawl...we can definitely hear you coming as you slap your hands down! You are cruising along the furniture with no problem and can pull yourself up like you've been doing it forever. You love to climb up and all over mom and dad, especially when it will help you reach something you want. I've seen you try and stand a few times, but you weren't able to. I'm sure you'll keep working on it though!

You love to stare at your reflection and talk to yourself and give yourself kisses. You also love to play with the remote and telephone. The animals are one of your favorite things, and they always put a smile on your face. You love to try and talk to them and pet them whenever they are around. You are going to be an animal lover just like your mommy!

Daddy thinks you are starting to get your first tooth, and I think so too. You've been biting everything you can. I'll sure miss your toothless smile if you really are getting a tooth!

We started you on solids this month, and while we haven't really given you a lot, you seem to like them. You have liked everything we've given you, and now, you will beg people for their food if you see them eating. I hope that you continue to be such a good eater!

We visited a few new places this month, went hiking and picked out your first pumpkin. You also were visited by Grandma and Aunt H, and got to meet more of daddy's family.

Our biggest struggle continues to be getting you to sleep through the night. You are nowhere near that...waking every 2 hours most nights, although sometimes I'm lucky and you sleep 4 hour stretches. It has been rough on mommy not getting a lot sleep, so she is starting to night wean you and look at ways to help you put yourself back to sleep. Hopefully when I write your next letter, sleep will no longer be an issue.

Regardless, you are the greatest joy. Your laughter and smiles are the best parts of my day. I love seeing you grow and change. I love seeing you discover new things. I love how excited you get while jumping on the couch and how you love your daddy. I'm so lucky to have you.

Love you more then words can tell.

7 months old!

6 months

2010-09-13T21:06:00.005-04:00

Princess P,

You are 6 months old today! I cannot believe it has been 6 months since we brought you home from the hospital and I didn't know what to make of you.

This month you have achieved many milestones. At about 5 and a half months, you pulled yourself up to standing using the couch for the first time. The very next day, you started crawling! You haven't been on the move as much as I expected you would be once you learned how to crawl, but that is mostly because you love to stand and walk along the furniture. Doing so means you get to see what Mommy and Daddy are doing, and you like that. In recent days though, you have become a bit more daring in your crawling and followed me in to the kitchen, and then went in to the kitchen by yourself. I definitely have to keep an eye on you now!

You are starting to talk more now that you are no longer focusing on learning how to move around. I've been hearing some m's and d's and think you are starting to put together some mamama and dadada sounds. One of these days you'll say your first word, but I'm patient. You've been focusing on so many other things first!

I'm very happy to say that we made it a full 6 months exclusively breastfeeding. You have had a few tastes of food in the recent weeks, but nothing that would be considered a meal. I think we've been pretty lucky not to have any real problems and I've really enjoyed our special time. To thin that I helped you get to the size you are is really quite amazing. I don't know your stats yet because we haven't been to the doctor, but I know you are getting big. You are in size 3 diapers and are growing out of all clothes that have the number 3 in them. We tried to give you some banana today, as we start baby-led weaning, and you thought it was fun to mash it around. One of these days you'll get that it goes in your mouth. :)

You still absolutely love to laugh and giggle all the time at Mommy. Daddy has gotten much better at making you laugh too...I think he even found a tickle spot!

This month you went to your first fair, and hiking with Mom and Dad. You've done a lot of traveling to see Grandma and Grandpa and other family, and have been outside a lot. You love to be outside.

You have brought me more joy then I can express. Although I've found your sleepless nights difficult at times (and oh have they been sleepless...up every 2 hours), I can never be upset with your smiling face for long. I sometimes think to the future when making faces at you will no longer make you laugh so easily...and it makes me sad. But for now, I am enjoying every second and trying to remember it as best I can. You have inspired me to be someone I never thought or knew I could be. I can't thank you enough.

I love you little one.

6 months old!

A Baby's Laughter

2010-08-24T10:16:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I was home with P for over 13 hours by myself because B had a long work day. We normally make it through these days just fine, but yesterday, my normally happy, smiley baby was not herself. I couldn't put her down for longer then 5 minutes without her fussing and reaching out for me and wanting to be held. She refused to take a nap until I put her in the car to run errands. I must admit I was starting to feel frustrated that I couldn't get done the things that I wanted to get done. I didn't want to have to hold her all day and leave my house a mess.

I didn't put P down at her normal bedtime so that B would get some time with her when he finally got home. And when he did, she immediately smiled at him and reached out for him to pick her up. She smiled and laughed at his silly noises and faces. She didn't show an ounce of the grumpy baby she had been all day, but was happy and quite content.

Later B mentioned how good he felt that he had been able to make her laugh so much. It was the first time he had really been able to make her laugh like that, and I could tell how much it meant to him. Although he only got to spend a few minutes with her that day, those few minutes probably made his entire day. And it made me realize that I am truly lucky to be able to stay home with my little one every day, how much I take for granted the laughs I get, the time I get to spend with her and the fact I get to see each of her new milestones as they happen. Although many people have told me to enjoy her while she is little, and that the snuggles stop all to soon, I don't think I really thought about it until right then.

It doesn't matter that the house isn't spic and span and that the laundry isn't done. What matters is the fact I can make my daughter laugh today and that she wants a hug. Especially when those little things can bring such joy.

I'm unwrapping the small things today at Tuesdays Unwrapped.

5 months old

2010-08-13T22:03:00.004-04:00

Princess P,

You are 5 months old today! You are becoming such a big girl! Last month at your doctor's checkup, you were 14 pounds, 7 ounces and 26.5 inches long. That put you in the 99th percentile for height! I hope you don't keep growing so fast, as I want to continue to enjoy your smallness for a little while longer!

You are so much fun right now. You laugh ALL the time and hardly ever stop smiling. Daddy can swing you around and bounce you and you think it is the best thing in the world. You also think that Juju is fascinating and will do anything to get to her and pet her.

You are moving all over the place now. Not quite crawling yet, but you scoot on your belly and army crawl really fast. I can tell I will be in BIG trouble when you do learn to crawl! You also learned to sit up on your own this month. It happened rather quickly, and boy are you proud of yourself! You can also pull yourself all the way up to standing...you just need someone to help you balance.

You still love your hands and have discovered that you can put everything else in your mouth too. My favorite things that you think you need to suck on are my laptop, the tv stand and your swing. Beyond being fascinated with everything now, if mommy or daddy put the laptop, camera or a water bottle on the floor, they become the focus of your attention and you want to get to them so badly! You really love to punch the keys on the laptop, which isn't always fun for mommy when she's trying to get stuff done. :)

This past month we took at trip to New Jersey by ourselves to visit Aunt H and the trip was really rough on you (and me!) because you got bored. But we made it and we had a great time. You even got to go swimming for the first time and you thought it was the best thing ever! You splashed and kicked and had a great time. We'll do it again as soon as we can, I promise!

Sleep has still been a bit of an issue, although you've done so well some nights. You actually slept 8-9 hours several nights, but then went back to 3 hour stretches and are now sleeping 5-6 hours. I think you wake yourself up practicing everything you are learning and can't yet go back to sleep. It is hard on mommy sometimes to have to keep getting up, but I also try to remember that you are only this little for a certain time and I bet at some point I'll miss our bonding time at night when it's over.

I love you so so much little girl. Happy 5 months!

5 months old!

Wordless Wednesday - First Time in a Pool

2010-07-21T10:05:00.005-04:00

4 months old

2010-07-13T21:48:00.004-04:00

Princess P,

You are 4 months old today. I guess I'm having a hard time believing that it has been 4 months since I first met you. It seems like time has been going so fast and you have changed so much in that short time. Can you stay little and stop growing so fast?

This month you've been showing even more of your personality and are such a happy baby. I finally got you to laugh, and now you laugh every day. Some times you laugh at the silliest things...like mommy saying hi to you. But I would do anything to hear that laugh, as it just makes my day (and makes me laugh too!). We started doing mama/baby yoga together and you seem to really enjoy it. You love to be on your belly now and able to look all around. You also really want mommy and daddy to sit or stand you up.

I don't know how much you've grown yet because we haven't been to the doctor's yet, but you are getting big. You have some of the cutest chubby thighs and you sure are getting long. You moved up to size 2 diapers a little in to your 14th week, and I think you may be there for a bit.

You still love to talk and have your "h's" down pat. You roll all over the place and even get up on your hands and knees now. I am worried you may start crawling before I am ready. For now though, you seem happy to scoot, roll and creep your way around. Even better though, you like to lay on your back and hold your feet. Sometimes mommy will pick you up and you'll keep a hold of your feet when she has you! They are your favorite things to play with.

I can see that you are starting to understand things now and are putting together things like how to reach for toys and get them to make noise. It is amazing seeing you develop like you are.

I love you baby girl and am so glad you are mine.

4 months old!

Funny Faces

2010-06-23T09:19:00.005-04:00

We had to take one of our dogs, Jem to the vet the other day when we noticed she had done something to her eye.

(This is Jem)

After the vet had inspected her and was talking to us about what might be wrong, Jem sat down and looked up at me. And after a few moments, I realized that I was making faces at Jem that were very similar to the ones that I make at Princess P in an effort to get her to smile and entertain her. As if my dog would react to my silly smile. I have no idea if anyone else noticed, but I sure did. And I felt kinda silly. And I began to wonder how often I make those faces at Princess P out in public...

Funny how my actions have changed in the short time I've been a mom. And how really, I don't much care.

How can I when this is the response I get?

Jem should be fine by the way. At least her eye should be. She might be scarred from my ridiculous faces though. :)

3 months old

2010-06-13T22:12:00.005-04:00

Princess P,

You are 3 months old today. How you have grown in the past month! You have become quite the mover, learning how to roll from your back to your belly and your belly to your back (although sometimes you get stuck on your belly and need help getting rolling back over). I can't put you down on your play mat anymore without you ending up feet from where you started! Not only that, but you have gotten really good at picking your head up and scooting around on your belly by pushing your legs (even though your face is also on the ground!).

Your smiles continue to light up my day, and you never fail to give them to me or daddy when we need one. You still love to talk to us, and sometimes can be so serious when talking. It is like you have a big story to tell us, and you are trying sooo hard to get us to understand!

You figured out how to pull on your lady bug to make music, although you don't do it very often. And your hands are becoming your favorite things to suck on...which has been a nice rest for mommy and daddy's fingers. :) Although you are touching your feet, you haven't quite looked at them yet and figured out that they are there. But I sure love when you put your feet together...so cute!

Mommy has started to wear you more and you sure do a good job. You love to look around at all the sites, but also love that you can just fall asleep on mommy if you've had too much fun. Speaking of sleep, you've started to sleep a little longer at night, but you still don't give mommy very long stretches. Maybe we can work on that this next month, since this month you did so well at getting on a schedule.

Little one, you have brought so much joy and happiness to my life. I love you so much and love seeing you grow. Being your mommy is the best thing I've ever done.

3 months old!

2 months old

2010-05-13T13:23:00.003-04:00

Princess P,

You are 2 months old today. How quickly time has flown! There is a part of me that is so excited to continue to watch you grow and change, and a part of me that is so sad that you are growing so fast. I wish that I could slow it down a bit so that I am sure to remember it!

This month, you weighed in at 11 pounds on the dot, and were 23 inches long! You have changed in so many ways, beyond just the physical. You are smiling all the time now, and you love to have conversations with your mommy and daddy. You have learned to blow bubbles and that if you bat at the toys on your play mat they will make noise. You can really grip things and are focusing on your toys much better then last month! You love to be on your playmat, and look at the owls that are above your swing. And, you made it through a bout of baby acne that didn't bother you, but sure bothered your momma. You took your first bath in your tub and moved up to size 1 diapers. You continue to love to look at the world around you and I can tell that you are learning with each new day.

Even though you still give your mom and dad a hard time when it comes to taking naps, or even leaving you alone, you have started to become more independent. I can see some of your personality coming out, and can't wait to see more of it.

Mommy has changed a lot too since you were born. I never knew that I could love someone so deeply so quickly. I love to spend time with you, and my world no longer revolves around me, but you. You have helped me to see the important things in life, and that so much of what I focused on before wasn't, well, so important. As I look at you napping beside me, I can't help but feel so lucky and blessed!

2 months old!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-05-05T11:26:00.000-04:00

She loves to sleep on her daddy...

Pregnancy to Birth, part 1

2010-05-03T10:21:00.000-04:00

Since I have been enjoying my little one for the past 7 weeks and not really updating (heck, I haven't updated in quite some time with the happenings in my life...oops. I really do feel sad about this. I would have loved to have a record of my thoughts on pregnancy while they were happening, etc.), I thought I'd try to document a lot of it now. I also think there can never be enough birth stories out there for women to have an idea of what to expect, what others experience, etc. I know I read a lot of them before I gave birth! I also think my feelings and emotions are important to acknowledge, especially as I find myself in awe of the little person who is currently sleeping beside me. So, I'm going to be completely honest, regardless of how I think it may make some people see me...

I actually want to start with before I even found out I was pregnant. For quite a large portion of my life, I always said I wanted to be a "young" mom. To me, that meant having a baby in my early 20s, but definitely not in my 30s. I think I wanted this because my mom was 31 when she had me and my dad was 35...and I thought they were sooo old compared to my friend's parents (really, they weren't, but who knows). Of course, I also had my whole life planned out, and since I was in a serious relationship by the time I was 17, and engaged at 21 (planned to be married at 23), I felt I was pretty on track to be a young mom. I figured by the time I was 25, I'd have my first, or at least be pregnant with my first. Of course, even the best of plans can fall by the wayside and my engagement ended and I wasn't married at 25, much less pregnant. Actually, at 25, I was enjoying my life and my freedom. Looking back now, I can't even imagine having a baby at 25...but I guess if I had been married I may have been feeling a bit different, who knows? Anyway, at 25 I was just meeting B and I was married at 26.

At the time we were married, kids weren't even really on my radar. Weird how that happens. But anyway, B had said beforehand that he wanted to wait a few years (if at all) and that was fine with me. I actually started to think we may not even have kids and that was pretty ok with me too. I really enjoyed having our time together, and I liked my time to myself. So, I was pretty surprised when 6 months after we were married B said "I think I want to try and have a baby." My response? "You mean, now? Within the next few months?"I was actually, not that excited about the prospect. I was caught off guard, but also feeling like I didn't want to give up the life I was living...I liked it. I think B realized I was caught off guard and told me that he didn't mean right away...but that he wasn't getting any younger and that one day he had realized he really wanted to be a dad. I thought about it a lot and really didn't know how I felt. A part of me was just ugh, no, and the other wanted to give B what he wanted...and that part won. A month later I decided to stop taking my birth control...not because we wanted to get pregnant immediately, but because we thought it was going to be hard for us to get pregnant (for a few reasons...one of which was because of the lingering effects of my eating disorder). I started eating more to gain some weight since I didn't think I'd be able to get pregnant without a bit more fat on my bones, and we took the attitude of it will happen when it was meant to happen...which was apparently pretty quickly since I got pregnant less then 2 months later!

My next post in this series, I'll talk more about my feelings about being pregnant and my pregnancy...

Last picture taken of me and B before I got pregnant...(2 weeks before!) :)

7 weeks

2010-05-01T11:57:00.005-04:00

My little girl is 7 weeks old today. Time has absolutely flown by. I have honestly enjoyed every moment...except maybe the one day that I couldn't get her to stop crying for more then about 15 minutes (of course when B came inside, she stopped for him). I have had moments of absolute joy...when I realize how amazing it is that I helped create this little person and watching her change, and times of sadness...when I see how quickly she is changing and realize that I'll never get the days back when she was this little tiny being so new to the world. She probably doesn't appreciate the camera I have stuck in her face many times a day, but my only regret so far has been that we didn't take enough pictures in the hospital and of her as an itty bitty thing. I don't want to miss any more changes.

I have spoken often on this blog about how I don't know what I am supposed to be doing with my life and how difficult it has been for me. These past weeks I have realized that I was meant to be something I never would have imagined. A mother.

She's Here!!

2010-03-26T14:04:00.003-04:00

Hello my bloggy friends. I have not blogged in quite some time. The reason being for the most part that my little one arrived. She decided to make her appearance on March 13th at 3:58 am (they were sure close with my due date of March 14th!). My birthday was March 12th, and I spent pretty much the whole day (starting at 4:30 am) experiencing contractions. Quite the birthday! Princess P weighed in at 6lbs 7oz and was 18.5 inches long. Giving birth and the days following were probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life...I hope I never forget what I felt. Right now, B and I are enjoying time with P...he has 6 weeks off work, and that means that we are taking time together to get to know our little one. I will be back to blogging some time around then.

I'll leave you with a few pictures of our new addition...with whom I am totally in love. :)

With B in the hospital the day she was born

2 days old

Me and P, 4 days old

On B and my bed, making her favorite face. 7 days old.

Heaven is Lucky

2010-03-01T23:59:00.005-05:00

I often get stuck on one thing that is happening in my life and let it worry me to no end. I obsess about it and let it consume a lot of my time and energy...and mostly I just worry with no real action or final resolution. Many times, my worry is over something trivial, but to me, it seems like the most important thing in the world. B often reminds me how lucky we are, and tells me that I need to give my life over to the Lord and trust that he will take care of me. I can't say I am good at that, or that I have really ever tried. Especially as I continue to struggle with my relationship with the Lord.

In the past week and a half, two amazing people that have touched my life have passed away. Actually, they passed away within a day of each other, but I only just found out about one today.

The first was an extremely intelligent, caring individual, who always had a smile on his face and strived to make the world a better place. I was lucky enough to work with him for a few years, and although we were not "close," knowing that he is no longer a part of this world is difficult for me. Such a wonderful, young soul, who cared about people.

The second was B and my vet. We had heard that he had been in a logging accident earlier in the month and often wondered how he was doing, but had not heard anything. Tonight, as I was browsing through our local newspaper online, I saw an obituary for him and my heart just sunk. We only started to go to this vet when we moved to our house a little less then 2 years ago, but he was a vet like none other. He truly cared not just for the animals he was working with, but the people who loved them. Although not young, like my former co-worker, his death is a blow, and our community has lost an extremely valuable asset.

It is times like these that I realize that B is right. We are very lucky, and what I am worrying about is nothing compared to what others in the world, or even that I know, are struggling with at this very moment. Many times, the things that I am worrying about are things that can be fixed or taken care of if I choose to take action. But the families of the two men that were recently lost? They can't change that.

One thing that these two men had in common (despite being loved and valued by many) was a love of the Lord. As B said about my co-worker, "He was a man who loved the Lord, and it was so obvious." And it truly was. And one thing I can say about the families and many of the close friends of these two men is that they too love the Lord, and despite their struggles, I know (through conversations with and comments by some of them) that they are continuing to have faith and believe, despite the very real difficult times ahead. It seems that every time I am at one of those points where the worrying consumes me, things happen that remind me that my worries are trivial. Sometimes I wonder how many times the Lord has to reach out and show me that I need to trust him before I will finally acknowledge that he will take care of me.

**sorry if this is a bit scattered. I have so much going through my head, I had a hard time organizing this post.

Fireball

2010-02-07T22:48:00.004-05:00

*This image is from freedigitalphotos.net, taken by Carlos Porto

What B and I dislike the most about our house (besides the white carpet that covers every floor in the house) is the heating system. Every room has baseboard heat (very expensive to run) and we have a wood burner in our basement. In our effort to not have a $1000 electric bill, we only run the baseboard heat in the essential places...our bedroom and bathroom, the family room, and B's little room where he gets dressed in the morning for work. Beyond that, we try to keep the house warm by running the wood burner. The problem is, our wood burner is not easy to get going. We unfortunately have to cold start it most mornings, and if it doesn't get quite warm enough with the kindling before logs are put in, it never gets hot, or smoke escapes and we end up with a smokey house and the smoke detector going off.

As B works during the day, starting the fire is often left up to me. I had a good system going for a while, but we ran out of our old wood and the new wood we got just has NOT wanted to catch. I will try and try, by putting in kindling to get it to catch, and most days it will, but it takes a lot of patience on my part. B, on the other hand, when starting the fire, does not have patience. This year he decided he had had enough with waiting for everything to catch and get hot, so he started using kerosene on the logs to get them to catch quickly. I was not a fan of this from the start. 1) I do not like the smell of the kerosene...it gives me a headache and it just smells awful. 2) I could not help thinking that it was rather dangerous to be putting a flammable substance in the wood burner. I don't know how many times I told B that I didn't want him to use the kerosene, but, typical man, he didn't listen.

On Saturday, I didn't start the fire before B got home because our kindling had gotten wet and I had to let it dry out in the house. After he got home and did chores, he went downstairs with the kid who helps us around the farm to start the fire. After a few minutes, I hear a loud WHOOF and I can't help but think that the downstairs has blown up. I don't immediately go downstairs, for fear of what I will find, but when I hear them talking, I run down. I see B sitting on the ground, his hands to his face, and the boy laughing at him...I also see a lot of smoke...and smell the awful smell of burned hair. Turns out, B put a little too much kerosene in the wood burner, and in the process of trying to get the fire started, the fumes caught and out came a huge fireball, right at his face! It singed his eybrows, eyelashes and hair, and stung his face quite a bit, but he was otherwise unharmed. Luckily. And nothing else was damaged in the process either.

Had I not been so glad that no one was hurt, I would have loved to have said, "I told you so..."

Bet he hasn't learned his lesson though!
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And would you believe that yesterday, after I got a nice, HOT fire going, as we went to leave to celebrate my MIL's birthday, I shut up the wood burner, and the duct system (that leads to the chimney) fell apart? I don't know my own strength apparently! :) B had to put it back together so the whole house didn't fill with smoke. We are currently not going to use the wood burner for a few days...enough is enough. I really think we need to figure out a different way to heat our house...but unfortunately the way our house is laid out, a heating system will be hard to install. We'll figure it out one of these days...
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The swan did come back, shortly after I wrote my last post, stayed for a few days, and then left again of its own accord. Maybe one day it will come back again. But at least it didn't leave because I scared it off...
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I am officially 35 weeks pregnant...and finding it hard to believe. Can I just say that I have noticed myself becoming unbelievably moody? B and I had been talking about how I hadn't really had any mood swings that we hear so many people talk about during pregnancy, but in the last week, yikes. Here is my 35 week belly shot!

Slippery Fingers

2010-02-01T16:55:00.007-05:00

One of the things I love most about living on our farm is that we are privileged to have a variety of wild animals come around, especially birds, which I love. They stay for a few days like the blue heron that frequents our pond every couple weeks or permanently, like these ducks that appeared out of the blue in September and never left (no idea what kind they are, but we now feed them) but there is never a shortage of them.

On Thursday, I walked outside to see this beautiful bird on the pond. I almost couldn't believe my eyes. I was pretty sure I had never seen a wild swan before, and actually thought I was probably mistaken, and that it was some weird goose. It had come in with a flock of geese after all. I tried to feed it some bread, but when the geese moved away because I got too close, so did the swan, so I didn't try again.

I was excited that the swan was still there on Friday, and again on Saturday. I figured that one day, the geese would decide to move on (they always do), and the swan would go with them. That day happened to be today. I was disappointed when I woke up and looked outside, but I had had a feeling they would leave soon since the weather was once again cold enough to make the pond freeze over.

But then this afternoon, when I went outside to do chores, I could see a white bird far out on the pond. I realized that the swan had come back, even though the geese had not. Boy, was I excited! I figured that I would try to give it some food since the pond was frozen over. I was secretly hoping that food would make it stay around longer. So, I took a cup of duck food, and walked slowly toward where it was sitting on the ice. When I got close enough that I could see it was starting to get uneasy, I stopped and threw out the food. Lo and behold, the cup the food was in slipped out of my hand as well...flew threw the air towards the swan, and landed with a crash on the ice, scaring the swan away. It took off with a squawk and flew until I couldn't see it anymore. :( All that is left on the pond now is some food, and a cup that I can't reach.

Although I'm doubtful it will come back after that fright, if it does, I'll keep my slippery fingers away. Maybe B can try bread.

Oh, the Life...

2010-01-19T12:06:00.002-05:00

of a dog. It sure seems sooo rough!

5 years

2010-01-11T11:59:00.000-05:00

As I was writing my last post, something struck me. It was this sentence in particular:

"I still struggle daily with many of the things that have happened to me over the last 5 years, and yet, I am still able to find joy and happiness in many parts of my life."

5 years. I have spent 5 years of my life grieving for my dad, for regretting things I did after he passed, for hating myself for the hurt I caused people I loved and holding grudges against people that hurt me.

5 years is a really long time to spend angry at oneself, angry at God, and angry at members of your family. And what I have come to realize in thinking about my life the last few weeks/months (been doing a lot of thinking since I found out I was pregnant), is that I've spent far too long in this rut. My anger and sadness have impacted my life in ways that I cannot possibly describe, and in ways that I never would have thought...and I let it continue to do so for far too long.

After my dad passed, I was a terrible mess. I was so terribly unhappy and haunted by what he had gone through and losing him that all I can remember doing during that time period is making trips to the farm on weekends and spending the week days in bed watching seasons of "Friends." I think I really just made my way through in a zombie-like state. I latched on to anything that brought me any form of "happiness," regardless of what it meant to those around me. There were some people that took advantage of this. And others who I hurt terribly in the process. I became a person I did not recognize, but could not find my way back to the person I once knew. Granted, that person would never be the same, but I could not even find some modicum of her in me, even though I wanted to.

Eventually, I worked my way through my grief...it was still there, of course, and I know it will always be there, but I was able to manage my life and function again with a halfway sense of normalcy. I did the best I could to right wrongs I had made...although I could not change them, and the people I hurt forgave me. Yet, I could not forgive myself, and I could not forgive the people that hurt me. I would think about things I did and cringe. I was ashamed and embarrassed.

There have been many times over the last few years as I struggled through a bad period of depression, and felt myself lack motivation and direction in life, that I wondered why? Why did I continue to feel so awful and why could I not pull myself out of the feeling that life just wasn't that enjoyable most of the time? I often let myself wallow in pity for myself, and I can't say it was fun. But even though I had a desire to change, I didn't really want to change. I have gotten better in the last year or so, but not to the point I should be at. And I have come to realize through my reflection, that unless I release my anger, shame and embarrassment, I will never fully get past those things that once happened. I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive the people that hurt me. I need to write a letter to my uncle and move past the hurt that is there. I need to move on and live in the present. The very wonderful present that God has blessed me with...my husband, the baby in my belly, our farm and our families. Yes, the past hurt. It will still hurt at times, but without those experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today. It is time to move on.

5 years is long enough to beat myself up for things that happened. 5 years is long enough to punish others for things they did to me. And starting today, I'm going to make the necessary steps to forgive myself and others. It won't be easy, but I'm going to stop living in the past and move forward.

Thoughts on the year gone past...

2009-12-28T12:20:00.004-05:00

I've spent the past few weeks reflecting on the past year and re-reading many of my old blog posts. I must admit, I have not spent as much time on this blog in the past few months as I would have liked. It seems when I started to work a lot, my motivation to post went downhill. Then in the summer, when I became pregnant and quite exhausted, I still did not have the motivation. The interesting thing is, that I often find myself writing posts in my head while doing things, but I can never remember them when I actually sit down at the computer (so instead I just read everyone else's posts, but then don't comment...but at least I'm keeping up with you all). I find it a bit sad I have not posted because I really wanted to document my pregnancy and be able to look back on it in years to come.

As I've looked over many of the things I felt were important to blog about, I realize that this year has been full of more challenges and some extreme ups and downs for me. I still struggle daily with many of the things that have happened to me over the last 5 years, and yet, I am still able to find joy and happiness in many parts of my life.

This year, we sold the Christmas tree farm, which was one of my favorite places in the world, and what I felt was one of the last remaining pieces of my dad I really had. B and I spent many hours on the road traveling to and from the farm to bring back what we could use on our farm and in June, I made my last trip there. I still think about it often, especially this time of year, and I will admit, that even though I have not sold Christmas trees the past 2 years, I still miss it. I miss the smell, and the people and the trees. I really enjoyed that part of my life when I did it.

B and I finally went on our honeymoon to Hawaii, right before our one year anniversary. We had a great time and really enjoyed ourselves (although our flights were AWFUL!). We have been married for a year and 3 months now, and I love him more now then I did the day we got married. And of course, our big news for the year is the fact that we are having a baby. Our lives are about to change in a huge way, and I am both nervous and excited for what is to come.

This year on the farm has been a learning experience for us both. We have so many ideas and plans...but we have so much to learn. We added a few new members of the family, with a German Shepherd (Khloe) and a Great Pyrenees (Odie...who we took from his sister recently because she couldn't keep him from wandering off her property). We also lost a few...our kitties Maggie, Mouse and Tears. My dog Jasmine also had to have her leg amputated, which was probably more traumatic for me then for her. We began raising chickens, and love the fresh eggs, but also have found that we have WAY more then we need. Our refrigerator is overflowing with eggs right now, and not enough people to give them to! We also tried to get more in to the meat goat business...and this has been where we have probably learned the most. We are definitely not where we had hoped we would be at this point, and are currently trying to figure out our next step.

I'm not one to really make resolution's as the new year begins. I try to focus more on ways that I can better myself and what would be nice to focus on in the coming year. The biggest things for me are trying to get myself out from underneath all the clutter and items I have accumulated since my dad passed away (I talked about this earlier in the year...and started...but then I got pregnant, and um...it didn't go quite as planned), and trying to be a better wife, and of course a good mother once our baby gets here. On a whole, I would like to be more motivated to accomplish the things around our house that need to be done and can make life easier on B. I'm not the best at this, and it is a constant challenge that I must work on.

I have also set a goal for myself to return to this blog. I have missed writing and that was the reason I started this blog in the first place. Writing has always been a good outlet for me, however, sometimes I just let other things get in the way...

I'll finish by posting some of the more meaningful (to me) posts from this past year:
- 6 months of marriage
- Religion
- Forgiveness
- My Relationship with my Mom

Merry SITSmas!

2009-12-08T00:01:00.002-05:00

MERRY SITSMAS to You and Yours!!!

B and I have had a very busy year, full of exciting news (we're having a baby!), fun trips (Hawaii), and the addition of more animals to our farm (goats, more dogs and chickens). We feel very blessed to have what we have, and hope that the holiday season and new year bring you much joy and happiness!

Love, Wolf, B, and all our babies (Chief, Jem, Jasmine, Jackson, Juju, Odie, Kaos, Cynder, Khloe, Onyx, Lucky, Maya, Smoke, Speck, Dakota, Mama Cat, Wild Cat, Tom Cat, Mean Cat, Sugar, Trucker, Spice, Bolt, Striker, Stinky, Jack, Billy, Goat #26, Goat #27, Goat #28, and Goat #29).

Go join the party and see everyone else over at SITS for SITSmas!

And visit some of my favorite SITStas:

Ann over at Pottamus! Where?
HelloSweetWorld
Yaya over at YaYa Stuff

Puberty, Take 2

2009-11-24T20:00:00.003-05:00

"Ms. Wolf, what happened to your face? Around your mouth there?" ~ First grader
"One second Peige, let me finish talking to Larissa." ~Me (I always hope when I don't want to talk about something that putting them off for a minute will make them forget about it...luckily in this case it worked).

I can remember back when I was 12 and I began to "change into a woman." The embarrassment I felt at the changes my body was going through, and the wonderful pimples that began to appear on my face. It was sure a relief when I got out of that stage, and the horrible break outs (although not all the pimples...yay, stress) stopped.

Little did I know, that pregnancy would make my face break out like I was going through puberty again! I of course, understand why this is happening, but must admit at 27, it is sometimes hard to accept. Especially when a first grader feels it necessary to bring it to my attention (even though she didn't know any better). Here's to hoping that my pregnancy glow comes soon, and it isn't caused by a number of shiny pimples! :)

Blah.

2009-11-13T18:36:00.001-05:00

This has been me lately.
I must admit that I've been feeling pretty good for being pregnant. With the exception of being overwhelmingly tired. I work, I come home and collapse on the couch. I have no desire to do anything when I get home, and it has been a bit trying on me. And probably on B, because I'm honestly not getting much done around the house. I have been subbing about 4 times a week, and teaching a class at the university 2 times a week. The class at the university ends on Monday, and I am extremely happy that I will have a bit of my time back. I keep saying I'm going to cut back on subbing as well, but it is hard when I want to make some money before taking time off when the baby is born. I do need to start thinking less about money (hard to do!) though, and more about how important it is to spend time with my hubby. Because he doesn't get weekends off, he has 2 days off during the week. I used to not work at least one of those days so we got to spend time together, and I haven't even been doing that. In a few months, we won't have the time we have to ourselves now, and I know we should take advantage of it. I really need to work on changing my mindset...especially because I really miss my hubby. It is ok to say no to a day of subbing, and money is honestly not the most important thing in the world...

One thing I have really noticed since being pregnant is that I've thought about my dad A LOT. About how proud he would have been to have a granddaughter (yes, we found out we are having a girl!), and how he would have spoiled her rotten. My dad was amazing with kids. He would have wanted to have his grandchildren visit often, would have taken them on trips, and taught them all the useful information he passed on to my sister and I. I can't help but think of the huge gap that will be left in my daughter's life because she will never know her amazing grandfather. Especially because I still miss him so much. I will of course tell her what an amazing man her grandfather was, and pass on my memories, but it won't be the same. And sometimes that is hard to swallow.

A Dream

2009-10-06T20:37:00.004-04:00

The other night, I had a dream. In this dream, our baby had been born, and it was a little girl. I was somehow still pregnant, even though I'd just given birth. We were new parents, and everyone was coming to visit to see the newest member of our family. Of course, everyone loved her and couldn't stop talking about how adorable she was.

One night, B and I went to sleep (it was sometime very soon after our daughter was born), and when we woke up in the morning, we both commented on how surprised we were that our daughter had slept through the night. When we went in to check on her, we found that she was missing. We began to look all over and couldn't find her anywhere. It was terrifying.

Eventually, we got in the car to go look somewhere else and when I looked in the back seat, she was in her car seat-not moving.We had apparently left her there the entire afternoon/night and it had been very hot.

I freaked out and for some reason B did not. He kept telling me that it was ok, because I was pregnant and we would have another baby soon. For some reason, I thought he was trying to tell me that we could cover it up and no one would know. Which I thought was ridiculous. And I was upset because what kind of parents could we be to not notice that we left our child in the car for that long?

It was at this point that I was awoken by the alarm. I was pretty freaked out.

This is the first dream I have had like this (I have had a lot of weird dreams since I became pregnant, many featuring my dad...) and it did disturb me a bit. It left me wondering if it was a reflection of the worries I have about how good of a parent I will be. I will admit, I am scared. Scared of not knowing what to do once our baby gets here. Not knowing how to calm it when crying, not knowing how I will react to not getting sleep, not knowing how life is going to change. Not knowing how I will deal with our child when he or she reaches the teen years (yes, I am even thinking that far ahead). How do I know I won't mess our baby up? Or leave it in the car?

The Post in Which All is Revealed...

2009-09-29T21:15:00.001-04:00

I am very happy I can finally let you all in on my secret...

B and I are expecting our first little one this Spring! March 14th to be exact. Which is 2 days after my birthday.

I am officially 16 weeks 2 days today.

This is the reason that I was soooo exhausted all summer and not really in the mood to do much, including blogging. Besides suffering from all day morning sickness as well...

I found out in mid-July. We had been trying for a few months, and I randomly decided to take a pregnancy test the day before B's birthday, thinking that it would be a fun birthday gift. :) I was actually rather shocked to have a positive test...so I took two more to be positive. Ha. Even then, I don't know if I really believed it. Not until I heard the heart beat for the first time, and saw our baby during the ultrasound.

I have for the most part been feeling ok since I moved out of my first trimester. Although I am still tired, I'm finally getting my appetite back and eating without feeling sick for the most part. I'm just starting to show as well. It has been quite an experience.

We are both excited and nervous, and I must admit I am a little scared as well. In a little over five months, a lot in our life is going to change. But I really can't wait to meet our little one.

Here is the picture from our 3 month ultrasound. B says that baby is already practicing for boxing/mixed martial arts, as it has it's guard up. :)

I'll be back with more updates now that I'm ready to be back to blogging!

A Quick Update

2009-09-01T00:41:00.001-04:00

Since I orginally posted, things have not gotten much better. We took Jasmine to the vets today (Monday) to have her leg looked at and were told that while they would try surgery, it was not hopeful. Once they opened her up, it was determined that the best thing for her was to amputate her leg...as she would be in pretty bad pain for the rest of her life if she still had her leg. I'm in shock and struggled with the decision all day. I hope it was the right one. I never expected this outcome, and while I have read amazing things about tripod dogs, it doesn't make it easier at the moment. I'm not sure when I'll be back to posting. Right now, I feel I need to hold all my animals closer and spend some more time with them. Jasmine will especially need quite a bit of attention when she returns home tomorrow.

A Sad Return

2009-08-30T23:47:00.004-04:00

B and I are back from what was a wonderful and relaxing vacation. More to come on the vacation in a future post.

Unfortunately, the rest and happiness of the vacation did not last upon our return home. We returned to a horse with a hurt foot, Jasmine with a very hurt leg and urinary tract infection, fleas everywhere, our cat Maggie missing, and our cat Tears no longer with us. It was a lot to handle in the middle of the night when we returned home.

The next day did not get better, as we finally found Maggie and she was on the verge of passing away... She passed about 20 minutes after we found her, in my arms. We have no idea what happened. It was a bizarre situation, with no clear culprit...all I know is that it rather devastated me to see her in the state she was in, and to see her take her last breath.

Maggie was a very loving cat. I talked about her back in December when I was trying to help her get better. She never did get totally better, and because of this we had to make the decision to put her outside. It was not my first choice...I'm not a fan of outdoor cats because of what can happen to them, but B and I didn't know what else to do with a cat that had the runs on the floor multiple times a day. The vet didn't know what was wrong, and nothing we tried made her better. She seemed to do fine outside, although she would often try to run back in the house. She really just wanted to be with her people and that was the most important thing to her. She did not deserve what happened to her. I miss having her run at me every time I walk out the door.

Tears was also a very loving cat. She was found before we got home and buried before we could say goodbye. What happened to her is also a mystery. She ended up outside because she had a constant sneezy nose that resulted in snot everywhere. After months of trying to get her better, we couldn't take anymore and thought she could keep Maggie company. She seemed to adapt to the outdoors much easier and didn't seem to mind it as much. Her biggest problem was that she liked to sleep under cars. She loved our dog Jem, and loved us well.

It has been very difficult for me to come to terms with what happened while we were gone. These kitties were our babies, raised from very young and we put a lot of time and effort in to them. They were so loving and probably some of the friendliest cats I've ever had. I worried the most about our animals being ok while we were gone, and I so hoped we would return to all of them as we left them. It is difficult to know that our not being here as usual could have contributed to what happened. It is difficult to know that we planned our vacation with the understanding that our friend would be staying at our farm while we were gone and taking care of the animals...only to have said "friend" leave us hanging high and dry when the time came so we had to scramble to find someone who could at least drop in to check on them a few times a day. It makes me think that taking a vacation when you have a farm is almost impossible.

I am hurting for my animals.

Away we go!

2009-08-17T18:32:00.002-04:00

B and I are off to Hawaii tomorrow, bright and early! We'll be back on the 28th late. And then probably spending time getting the farm back in order and with the animals, so it will be a few days before I post. I'm really looking forward to getting away for a bit and relaxing. My biggest concern is that the animals are ok while we are gone, but I'm going to try hard not to worry about it too much...

Enjoy the rest of August everyone!

A Bit Exhausted...

2009-08-11T22:30:00.000-04:00

Hello my bloggy friends. I have been MIA. Badly MIA. Summer is proving to be more challenging then I thought. I'm finding it hard to believe that school starts up again soon. Today, I've been trying to start planning for my class that I teach in the fall. Where did summer go? It seems like just yesterday that I was sooo excited for more free time, warm weather and all the fun things that summer brings. Remember the days when it seemed that time went so slowly? I miss those days...

I have been rather tired lately, which has played a part in my not updating much. When tired, I'm not too creative, and not really in the mood to do anything...not even type. I'm hoping this will get better soon. But, who knows?

To update you on all the things I talked about B and I doing...

-Mamma Mia was really quite good. The lead singer was not as good as I would have hoped, but the other cast members made up for it. B really enjoyed it...it was the first time he's seen a play like that. I have a feeling we'll be going to some more in the future.

-I mentioned the fact that we started up with meat goats. A few of you said that you didn't know much about goat meat, or weren't sure you could really raise goats for meat... I know. I've talked on here before about how difficult it is for me to kill any sort of animal. In the past though, my family did raise cattle, and I was ok with it because I distanced myself and never really got attached. We sold the animals that needed to be sold and I had no idea where they went from there. Sure, I had an idea, but it wasn't us doing the killing. It is how I will look at the goats too. We did a bit of research in to goat meat before deciding to take this step. It is actually on the rise in the U.S. as a form of meat, and there is a good market in our area. And believe it or not, goat meat is pretty much the healthiest form of meat out there. I can't say I've tried it...not sure when I will, but I've heard good things about it. So, we are getting started. We've currently got 6 does and 2 billies. We will see what happens with them, and go from there. And believe it or not, we've already had our share of problems. It is amazing how quickly you can learn about goat diseases, etc!

-Chickens! I realize I haven't said much about them in some time. They are pretty much grown up. Our first batch of little ones have started laying. The rest should be laying by September. The chickens continuously make me laugh. When they get hungry, they pretty much attack me and wait for me to feed them. We have 36 right now, but have a few too many roosters, so that number will be going down. I'm still loving the farm fresh eggs and can't really imagine going back to store bought eggs now...

-The horses are doing well. Sugar and Trucker have been behaving and riding quite nicely...for B. I haven't gotten back up yet. We also let our farrier take our thoroughbred for a while for his son. He loves riding Laddie, and we figured it would be good for both the horse and the boy. This way Laddie is getting the exercise he doesn't get while with us at the moment. :) I do miss having the big boy around, but he'll be back by winter I am sure.

-My poor kitty Onyx somehow ended up with a hematoma in his ear. It was the weirdest thing. One day I noticed that he had a bump on his ear, and it just kept getting bigger. His ear started to flop down and we decided it was time to go to the vet. He got surgery today (only way to fix it!), and is currently walking around the house like he is drunk. I have a feeling his ear is going to be permanently damaged because we didn't get it fixed early enough. I guess it adds character, but I do feel bad. We just didn't know any better as to what it was. I'm hoping to post a picture soon.

-All the other animals are doing well. Khloe has gotten humongous and is learning to fetch. Although it has been so hot here lately that playing outside is NOT fun. Humidity is not our friend.

-B and I leave for vacation in a week. We are going to Hawaii. I can't believe it. It is kind of like a late honeymoon for us.

I hope everyone is well. I've still been visiting your blogs, just not commenting as much as I should. I promise to start up again as soon as I get my energy back!

A Visitor

2009-07-21T20:50:00.005-04:00

This past week my mom was here visiting...which is the main reason that I've been Missing in Action. She stayed for a whole week. Yup. 7 days. It was rather stressful, to be honest.

I love my mom, however, our relationship has never been the best. We are like oil and water...don't mix very well. I can be around her for a few days and then...well, she starts to rub me the wrong way and I get on edge. I have been praying for quite some time for more patience when it comes to my mom, but it has not come easy to me.

It isn't my mom's fault. For many years of my childhood she suffered with being manic depressive. She went undiagnosed for several years. During those years she did some pretty awful things to my sister and I. But, we came out on the other side. I'm not saying that we weren't damaged in the process. We certainly were. There were times when I all I wanted from my mom was a hug, and she pushed me away. Eventually, I stopped wanting hugs from her. Eventually, I stopped trusting her.

After she was diagnosed, and put on medication, my mom got significantly better, although she slept a lot. But a lot of the damage was already done. Although my sister was able to trust her again, I never really shared things with my mom again. I guess I always wondered if she would revert back to her old ways. When my dad got sick, she got sick again. She wasn't able to handle what was happening and after he passed away, she had a mental breakdown. After a few weeks in the hospital, they changed her medicine (she was on something that while controlling her manic tendencies, had in fact depressed her...which is why she was sleeping so much), and I must admit, when she came out, I barely recognized her. She acted so different. It was like the mom I had lost 10 years before when she first started showing her illness. I almost didn't know how to act around her. She was relaxed and happy. She stopped all the nervous ticks she had done for years. She even started volunteering at the church so she could get out of the house. It was amazing, and I was shocked.

Unfortunately, this new mom didn't last. I'm not sure why. I don't know if they changed her medications again, or if the combination of everything was too much, or what it was. But, less then a year after she became the new and improved mom, she started to get worse again. Granted, she never got to the point she was before, but, the nervous ticks returned, and on top of that, she has become a bit of a hypochondriac. I don't think a week goes by when she doesn't call to tell us that something else has happened to her and she has a need for another medication. At times, I can't believe that her doctors continue to treat her. I do feel bad for her, as I think she honestly doesn't know what to do with herself anymore...that she needs attention, and that having things wrong with her is her way to get attention. Unfortunately, all the medication she is on does not do her good. She is honestly quite scatter-brained. An example of this would be her taking my SUV while here (without my knowledge) and backing it in to the bell in our yard. The bell that is about 10 feet out of the driveway. She took it, regardless of the fact that she couldn't see to drive it, and kept driving after running over several bricks and rocks in our flower beds. And was going to keep driving it after hitting the bell, had I not come out to stop her (because yes, I heard her hit the bell). She didn't see anything wrong with it. And that's just one example! Argh. :)

The hardest thing for me when it comes to my mom is that I can't talk to her. I'd love to be able to tell her things that are happening in my life. To seek advice, to share with her. But I can't. Time and again, I have tried, and she has told people things I have asked her not to tell. She has twisted things I have said and started problems that didn't need to be started. There is also a part of me that feels like her hugs and other acts of love aren't genuine. They probably are...but after years of getting pushed away, I can't bring myself to really feel them, or want to reciprocate. And this is coming from someone who loves to cuddle and show affection.

So, with her here visiting, it was hard. I realize that I have only her and my sister left of my immediate family. I long to have a close and loving relationship. I continually try to give her another chance, but with each chance, it becomes harder and harder. I'll keep trying.

Update.

2009-07-07T20:27:00.004-04:00

Time is flying by and summer commitments keep me busy. I have a desire to write more, but with so much going on, I sometimes find it hard to find the time. Will I ever find it again? In the past few weeks, B and I have decided to try our hand at becoming meat goat farmers. We have acquired an additional 8 goats in the last few weeks and are busy learning the trade. On top of that, we had our nephew over for a few days, had to hook up electric fence to the horse pasture and I fell off the horse the other day.

Yes, I fell off the horse. After writing my last post, 2 days later, off I went. I guess you could say I had a feeling it was coming. I was actually working her with the person who trained her to try and get her to go past a part of our property that she would give me trouble at every time I rode her. I think in her mind, it was the point where she felt a little too far from "home" and wanted to turn around and go back to her herd. I was trying quite hard to keep her going in the direction I wanted to go, but it didn't quite work. In the process of her turning to go back and attempting to make a break for it, I fell. I didn't get bucked off this time, happily, but slid right out of the saddle. I went chest first into one of our fruit trees...so I bruised a few ribs and my knees. Problem with my little mare is that she is extremely quick. Her movements are so sharp that if you aren't paying attention or ready for it, it is very easy to fall. As I did. This last fall has left me a little scared I must admit. I tried to get back up in the saddle on Saturday, on our very broke horse, but had a bit of a panic attack. Maybe it was the fact I could still feel the pain in my ribs, or maybe it was the fact that he is soooo much taller. I don't know. But I know I just didn't feel comfortable riding. So, I'm taking a bit of a brake. B is going to be doing most of the riding until I feel more confident I guess. I'll get there, but it might take a bit.

We didn't see fireworks on the 4th (I can't remember the last time I saw fireworks...3 years ago?), which was a bit disappointing, but responsibilities called. Instead, B and I spent some quality time together, which is always nice.

Also nice? We are finally starting to get some veggies from our garden. I LOVE eating fresh veggies. Right night we are mostly getting onions and cucumbers, but the tomatoes should be ready soon. The problem we always have is the fact we have WAY too many cucumbers. Any ideas for good recipes? I've actually looked up a cucumber bread, and am going to try pickles again this year (last year, I failed miserably). But, I wonder if anyone has a standby recipe? Let me know, so I can make some good use of these cucumbers besides eating them cut up with ranch dressing!

Tomorrow, B and I are taking some time together to go and see:
I'm really excited and I hope it's good. We both love musical type things and plays. We thought the movie was pretty good (we love the music - the singing may not have been the best, but it was so funny!), so hopefully this will be just as good.

I'll let you know how it is when I post again! :)

A Riding We Go...

2009-06-30T19:31:00.006-04:00

Wow, where did the month of June go? I feel like just yesterday it was getting warm out and I was anxious for the last day of school to come. Now, we are almost to July, a month that will bring a few small nights out for B and I, and a visit from my mom.

I realize that I never posted pictures of my horses and goats. I will do that sometime in the next week. This past month, we had two of our three-year olds broke. They finished about a week and a half ago, and now it is up to B and I to keep them going with their training. This has not been an easy process for either of us...especially me.

Three years ago, I adopted three, week-old foals from a rescue. I always wanted horses, but more to ride then to raise as babies (I was concerned with the amount of care they would need and the likelihood of death is so high). However, my friend convinced me to adopt these three. I waited and waited for them to be old enough to ride. At the time, they were up at the farm, and they stayed there even after B and I bought our farm, as there wasn't time to get them at first. As we were waiting to bring them down, we took in 4 more horses. Two young babies, one retired police horse, and one as a foster to be a friend to the police horse until we could bring my horses down. I was excited because we finally had horses that were old enough to ride.

I don't pretend to be an expert rider. In fact, I MAY be considered a novice, but probably more of a beginner. I have ridden several times, but never taken lessons. I sure read a lot about horses and riding when I was little because I was so obsessed with horses and wanted them so badly. But for the most part, I rode on vacations, and sometimes at friends houses. I often got the ridiculous horse that was stubborn, would take off for the barn, or even take me over a jump for no reason.

Regardless, I still loved horses and always wanted to have some so that I could ride them around and take them trail riding. Eventually, I got up on Teddy, the horse we were fostering. I was told when we took him in that while he would be antsy at first, all you had to do was be a little firm with him. So, the first time I rode him (with our friends who are horse people as well helping me out), he acted up and I tried my hardest to keep him in check. He tried to get me off a few times but didn't succeed. And he didn't settle down even after I was firm with him. But I stayed on. A few days later, I decided to try to ride him again. I went down to the barn while B was shucking corn, saddled him up and rode him down to the house. On the way down the driveway, I could tell that something wasn't quite right. He was acting antsy and being stubborn. Not bucking any, but acting weird. I finally got to the house and wanted B to hold him while I got off (Teddy was a huge horse, over 18 hands). B somehow didn't understand what I wanted and I eventually decided to turn back and get to the barn so I could get off. On my way back I noticed HUGE horse flies all around and figured this was probably what was bothering Teddy. He was still acting antsy and hadn't settled down at all in the few minutes I had been on him. We barely got to the driveway on the way back to the barn when he took off and started bucking. I tried hard to stay on. I knew I was next to a fence and was scared to death I was going to fall on it. Unfortunately, the saddle broke and down I went. I fell hard. I landed right on my back, hit my arm on the fence, and twisted my ankle...it somehow got stuck in the stirrup. I was in bad shape. I still hurt some today...my ankle never fully healed, and I have pain in my back...although I've had that pain for a long time and can't say it is from the fall completely.

I didn't ride for some time after. In part because I was recovering from the fall, and soon after, the rescue we were fostering Teddy for came and picked him up. Then it was winter, and we also only had one horse that we were able to ride.

Anyway, spring came and the babies turned 3, and it was decided it was time to break the two of them that were in the best shape. They did really well during the whole process. The trainer told us they learned very quickly and took to everything very easily. There were some things they were scared of, but after getting them through those obstacles, they always went. And now that they are done their training, it is up to me and B to keep them learning. We need to ride them several times a week so that they continue to be comfortable having a rider on their backs. I realize that this is probably not the most recommended way to go. Two beginner riders on two beginning horses. They would probably learn better with someone who fully knows what they are doing. But, it is hard to find someone around here that would take them for as long as would be needed.. And I'm unfortunately, extremely attached to these beauties that I've had since they were days old. Which makes it very difficult for me to get rid of them and move on to horses that are older and more broke. So right now, B and I are trying to to stay on top of them and ride them as much as we can.

Unfortunately for me, the fall I took last year has left me kind of scared and unsure of my riding. It isn't that I don't know how to ride, but I am incredibly scared of falling off again. The pain is too fresh in my mind. And I have no doubt that I will end up falling off again at some point. Getting over these fears is not the easiest on a horse that is green broke. I'm currently riding our mare, Sugar, who is a bit more high-strung it seems, then the gelding we broke, Trucker. She is very quick to move and really has a mind of her own. She wants to go her own pace and when I want her to slow down, she doesn't always want to listen. I know she is still learning. I know that things are going to scare her, and she is going to do things I don't like. My problem is staying calm during those times. And I've been having a really hard time doing that. I'm scared and I don't know how to get past it really. (And, I've gotten back on the horse, so I know that's not it!).

Teddy, the horse that bucked me off. A big, beautiful boy.

Sugar and Trucker (I don't have any more recent pictures), the two we broke. Sugar is the one I'm riding. At least she is a bit smaller then the last one!

Forgiveness

2009-06-24T20:50:00.005-04:00

Before my dad got sick, I was pretty close to most of my extended family. We spent every Christmas at my aunt and uncle's house, and I visited my cousins and their kids frequently. When my dad got sick, my uncle (his brother) visited often. He insisted on being the co-executor of my dad's estate (along with a bank) and on going over everything that my dad wanted to happen with his properties, etc., after he passed away. Knowing that my uncle was there was an incredible source of relief for me, and I appreciated his support. It was something that I looked for and needed during my dad's illness and especially when he passed away. I felt that even though I was losing my dad, that I would have my uncle. I was wrong.

After my dad passed away, I was shocked and unbelievably hurt when it seemed my uncle just pushed aside everything my dad told him he wanted to have done. He seemed to just forget what my dad told him he wanted to have happen...and even told my mom and others that he had no idea what I was talking about when I said that he knew what my dad wanted. I had sat with him as he wrote down exactly what my dad wanted. I was devastated that he was lying and I had no idea why. Not only that, but he called me "childish" for not wanting to go through my dad's paperwork a few weeks after he passed away, and pushed me to go through my dad's things before I was ready. When I didn't go through these things, I was termed "difficult" amongst other things.

The farm was probably the biggest disagreement we had. He knew my dad's wishes and went against them. He never thought I'd be able to run it and rather then support me, he made things harder for me and told everyone I'd never succeed. At a time in my life when I really needed support, he let me down, and I was incredibly hurt. I stopped talking to him and stopped going to family functions where he would be present. It was too painful and I didn't know what to say to him. It hurt even more when my mom told me he had no idea why I was so upset.

Through it all though, all I wanted was an apology. I wanted him to admit the truth and that he had not listened to my dad's wishes. I wanted him to tell me he was sorry for treating me so badly when I was grieving. But he never did.

It has been almost 5 years since we have really talked. B has tried to talk to me about it numerous times and encouraged me to be the bigger and stronger person...to be the one who breaks the ice and forgives him. If my uncle were to pass away, I know I would be sad if we were still fighting. But I've had a very hard time trying to figure out how to be the bigger person. I'm not one to take a chance of forgiving and putting myself out there so that I can be hurt again...as that sort of thing has happened in the past.

The more I have thought about it though, the more I realize that carrying around this anger and sadness is bad for me. It festers and is something that is always below the surface in my day to day activities. I believe it contributes to some of the general unhappiness I feel with life at times. And I know that forgiving him would take a huge load off my chest. I know I want to forgive him, I just don't know how. I don't know how to put aside my pride and stubbornness, and break the ice. I don't know how to forget something that hurt me so badly. I don't know how to forgive something that was so awful. Some way it has to be done though, and I'm hopeful I can be the bigger person and take the first step. I just don't know how?

Moving Forward

2009-06-21T20:17:00.004-04:00

The last few weeks have been difficult for me. I haven't really known how to handle them or really, how to feel. In nine days, the sale of the farm will be final. It is time for me to move forward. I need to move on from living in the past and the things I once wanted, but didn't succeed at keeping. I just have to figure out how.

I need to remember all the wonderful things that I have in my life. I have an amazing husband who treats me so well and does whatever he can for me. I have a beautiful house, my animals and for the most part, my health. My life isn't awful. Or that difficult. I think I just have an incredibly hard time remembering that because I get so overwhelmed by the things that are not so positive or have gone wrong. For almost five years, I have lived with the grief of losing my dad. With everything that happened after that, I continued to feel sad and lost. I lived more in the sad things then in the happy things. Almost as if I was afraid to let myself feel that happiness again...because I was so scared that it would be taken away like it was before.

I have a lot of fear. Fear that my depression will return. Fear that I'll never find the one thing in life that I'm meant to do. Fear that I will never stop grieving so terribly for my dad. I never used to have this fear. And I don't know how to make it go away.

My initial goal is to get myself out from underneath all the crap I feel I have in my life. I have brought so many material things with me that sometimes I feel like they smother me! I have always been very sentimental and find it really hard to get rid of anything that might be worth something or has some sentimental value. That has made getting our house organized very difficult. And one of the things that bothers me a lot right now on a day to day basis is the clutter and disorganization of our house. I want to have things put in their place. So, I have to set my mind to start getting rid of stuff. A half hour a day working at this should yield tremendous results I hope.

My other goal is to start to appreciate everything that I have. To focus on all the happy things and the things that make me happy. It probably won't be easy for me at first, but I am going to try hard. Here are two things that make me very happy:

Our boy Kaos enjoying the new "pool" we got him and Cynder to help them cool off on hot days.

Our very quickly growing puppy Khloe. She is such a treat.

I hope you'll bear with me as I try to figure all this out!

Goodbye...

2009-06-16T22:14:00.005-04:00

I've started to write this post a million times, but have never felt that I could explain fully what I am feeling... If you are pretty new to my blog and aren't sure what I am talking about in regards to the farm, you probably want to read this post.

I am home from what was most likely my last trip to the farm. It was beyond difficult. Devastating actually. It was so hard for me to see all the equipment my dad worked so hard to get sell for significantly less then it was worth. The whole experience was so emotional for me. To see the barn empty. To leave the house for the last time. The familiar smells I'll no longer smell...so many memories from there. A dream that can no longer be fulfilled...I sobbed a lot of the way home. I've never known life without the farm...without Christmas trees or that house. Without the view from the back porch, or looking out and seeing all those trees. I was sad knowing that my dad walked along that ground and worked so hard on so many of those trees. That we worked alongside each other there. It was the last place we had in the family like that. Every thing else was sold immediately after he passed. Now, it too is gone. In a way, I feel like I've lost my dad again. The auction was just plain frustrating. I can't change anything though, so I'm trying hard not to dwell on it. I wish that more of our stuff would have gone to people that we knew...I actually felt bad when they did not get the things that they were bidding on...in part because I know my dad would have wanted them to have them, and because I wanted them to have them too. I wish the auctioneer had not been a pain in the arse.
I am still sad. I think I am in denial. I also think I am grieving the loss of something so important. I don't think it helps that I continue to grieve for my dad almost 5 years later. I am hopeful though that I will be able to move on in the coming months now that everything is over. It will not be easy. But this portion of my life is over, as difficult as it may be for me. It is time to start fresh and begin again. I hope also that this will help me figure out what I should be doing with my life.

I'll leave you with a picture I took of one of the Amish kids at the auction. He made me smile.

I'm Baaack!!

2009-06-09T22:03:00.005-04:00

Ok, it has been a LONG time since I've had a real post. My life was just overwhelmingly busy. I subbed every day without a break for the last two months. We had plans every single weekend pretty much. When I'd come home after subbing, I'd do chores, and pretty much collapse, without desire to post much...so I didn't. While most of the stuff we've been up to has been pretty boring, there were two big things that happened.

The first is that my sister got married. B and I drove out to Philadelphia to attend her wedding. It was a very different wedding. They had no attendants. The ceremony was kinda weird. And the music was VERY loud. But, my sister looked beautiful, and she was happy, and in the end that is what matters most. Here are some pictures:

My sister, before the ceremony. Looking absolutely beautiful.

B and I during the reception. We were a little bored as loud music isn't our thing. I tried to get a good picture, and this is what he did. Ha.

Me and my sister.

My favorite picture. I took this as they were trying to get one for the photographer. If I had gotten all their heads it would have been perfect. :)

This past weekend was the second big thing, and that was my staff reunion. Before my foray in to subbing, and before I got married, I worked in a job where I had a large staff. The staff I had the last two years became much like my family, and last year before I left, we had a huge gathering at B and my house, which we had just bought at the time. We decided after that to make it a yearly event, which is wonderful because many of us have spread out, so we don't see each other much. B and I spent much of last week preparing the house for everyone arriving, and finally the day arrived. We had a wonderful time barbecuing, playing volleyball, and catching up. Here are some pictures of our reunion:

The staff who could make it (we were missing 3), and Khloe in front of the pond :)

Me with my best friends K and N. N was not technically a part of our staff...but we invited him anyway because the whole staff knows him and it was a good chance for all of us to catch up.

The fire in our newly built firepit. We made smores. :) (Don't mind the feet in the photo)

There was a full moon. This is the beautiful view we had.

This weekend brings what will most likely be my last trip to the farm. I'm not sure how I'm feeling at the moment, although I do know that I am upset that I'll be making it alone, without B, who couldn't get the time off. It will be the close to a very long chapter of my family's history. And it won't be easy. I'll most likely not post until after I get back on Saturday.

Sorry if this post is somewhat scattered! My life has been! But after this weekend my life should be back to normal and so should my posts! :)

Saturday Savings!

2009-06-06T00:27:00.004-04:00

It's a new month, and less busy for me, so hopefully that means I'll be able to keep track of things better on here then I have been the last two months!

This week, I only shopped at Kroger because I didn't think the deals at CVS were that great. I didn't shop at all last week, so I had some wiggle room in my budget.

I bought the following (55 items):

for $52.94. I saved $75.36!!! I was excited to find out that Kroger was having triple coupons this week, which was unexpected and quite a treat. I was able to get the 4 Dial soaps, the 4 Reach toothbrushes, and the 3 Buddies soaps for free. I also got several other items for very little, including the pickles, the Kraft Mac & Cheese cups, the Hot Pockets, Ritz and the Wheat Thins. I stayed very close to my $50 budget, and was technically under, since I had so much leftover from not shopping last week. I sure hope Kroger does triple coupons more often!!

Happy shopping!

Crazy Cat

2009-06-03T15:44:00.003-04:00

It has been a LONG while since I have posted. I've been extremely busy and overwhelmed. The school year ends tomorrow though, and after that, I promise to update you on what's been going on!! Until then, I thought I'd share a funny video of my mom's cat, who absolutely hates anyone but my mom. This is the way she acts towards everyone who isn't my mom...

Saturday Savings!

2009-05-22T21:08:00.006-04:00

Wow, I have been a HUGE slacker when it comes to my Saturday Savings posts...been so busy during the week that I haven't been able to shop until Saturday or Sunday...so I haven't been posting. But, this week I actually got out earlier in the week, and had a good shopping trip at Kroger's.

I bought:for $43.70. I saved $81.85!!! I bought 40 items and was quite excited that I was able to save so much, considering the sales weren't amazing this week. My favorite deals of the week are the Country Time lemonade, which is currently a $1.00 at Kroger and with the $1.50/2 you can print from my sidebar, can be bought for $.25, the Kraft dressing, which is currently $1.58, and with the $1.50/1 coupon from last weeks paper can be bought for $.08, and the soda mix and match, as I got my 5 12-packs for $7 thanks to coupons I had earlier.

Although I didn't post my deals from the previous weeks, don't forget that there are tons of good Kraft coupons out right now. If you go to my sidebar and scroll through the coupons, you'll see several Kraft coupons...such as $1.00 off BBQ, dressing and some crackers. Right now, BBQ sauce is $1.00 at Kroger...that would make it free! There are many good deals like that that can be found using the Kraft coupons...so take advantage of them!

Happy Shopping!!!

Pictures

2009-05-20T21:00:00.004-04:00

Since I'm still a bit overwhelmed, I thought I'd do a picture post. Enjoy these "sights around the farm"!Our handsome boy Striker, who is just about a year old now. He still has a lot of growing to do and is the biggest lovebug!

Three of our first batch of chicks. They have grown so much. Very friendly and good chicks.

Our rooster, Elvis, cock-a-doodling. He does it throughout the day, not just in the morning!

The new pup, Khloe, already growing fast and a great joy. She has a wonderful disposition.

Our handsome boy Bolt, who like his brother is just about a year. Can't wait for that winter coat to get all the way out!

Coming up for Air...

2009-05-13T21:13:00.006-04:00

Once again, things have been unbearably busy around here. I've barely had time to sleep or think or just relax.

Last week included a full week of subbing, and a FLOOD. Yes, a flood. The rain has been almost non-stop the last week a half. Therefore, the ground couldn't take anymore, and our backyard looked like this:
The creek that runs all along our property and is normally so low you can walk across it.

The water was rising so quickly that the place where I originally stood that was dry, was wet only a few minutes later!

And a video of the rushing water:

We actually got flooded in as the drive that leads to our driveway was flooded. The school had a 2-hour delay. Happily, none of it reached our house, but this was our first flood here.

Then, on Saturday morning I flew out to Pennsylvania for a friend's wedding, where we had fun and stayed up too late. I got up very early on Sunday morning to fly back home. B met me at the airport, where we went on a short trip to pick up a new member of our family. Here she is:

Her name is Khloe, and she is a German Shepherd. We debated for a long time about whether this was a good choice for us considering the amount of pups we already have. But, we have plans for this one, that we hope will happen. She is a very well-behaved pup who never wants to leave our sides. I'm excited to have her, and the other dogs already love her. :)

This week continues to be busy. I've subbed every day so far, and thought I'd have tomorrow off until I just got called. I sub Friday too. I have only a few weeks left to be able to sub though, so I'm trying to get in as much as I can before the break. Luckily this weekend I have a break though. I'm looking forward to getting some much needed sleep...

Weedy

2009-05-06T22:10:00.000-04:00

Since March, I've been working to free our flower beds of weeds. It has been, and is, quite a task because of the amount of beds we have in our yard. Not to mention the fact that I am not well versed in plants and weeds. I know dandelions and clovers are weeds, others I am still learning.

Last year, one of the worst weeds we had was a dandelion type weed that was prickly and incredibly difficult to pull up. They were our nemesis. This year, we thought we saw them growing in March, and thought it would be good to get started on them before they got too big and prickly. I spent several hours pulling up these weeds. And there were A LOT of them!

I'll admit that over the last few weeks I've slacked a bit on the weeding. Been too tired when I've gotten home from subbing and done all the other chores I have to do. In that time, the flower beds have been overcome with the weeds (I don't know if I could have kept up even if I'd been working on them daily!). I noticed the other day that some of the weeds I'd been pulling up earlier in the spring had buds on them. Thinking this was weird, I pointed it out to B, who said they were probably still weeds, and they probably weren't flower buds.

Yesterday, M, our friend who is staying with us, pointed out one of the flowers that had been blooming recently. It is a beautiful, colorful flower and looks like this:

He proceeded to point out that all the "weeds" we had been meaning to pull out, and had already pulled out looked exactly the same as this beautiful flower...

Oops.

It seems we were yanking out our Poppy plants. Unfortunately, they look a lot like dandelions and we were horribly mistaken when we thought they were weeds. This mistake only caused us to yank out a hundred or so of these flowers from our flower beds!

Seems we really need to study up on our flowers and weeds before we tear out more beautiful flowers and leave our beds full of weeds...

What Not To Wear.

2009-05-04T21:08:00.006-04:00

I think it is time to go through my wardrobe. Why, you might ask?

Today, while subbing for a 4th grade class, one of the girls came in wearing this shirt:

A shirt I own. There seems to be something incredibly wrong with the fact that I, a 27 year-old, have the same shirt as a 9 year-old that I am teaching. Very wrong.

I'll admit that last week when I put this shirt on when heading to a doctor's appointment, I thought to myself that I was probably getting a little too old to wear shirts like this. I was kinda embarrassed while in the doctor's office, and thought seriously about getting rid of all shirts like this when I returned home. Unfortunately, I have a lot of them...they always made me laugh when I saw them in the store, and I'd buy them. But now, I think I've grown up. And if I haven't, I'd better (not always easy when it is so easy to be mistaken for being 10 years younger then I actually am...). Granted, finding clothes that fit isn't easy for me (juniors is the only department that fits...petite sometimes, but petite's are soooo expensive!), and granted, I hate getting rid of clothes until they are WORN OUT (they typically go from everyday clothes, to farm clothes, to trash), but I'd rather not be wearing the same clothes as the student's I teach.

Time to go through my drawers and add to the yard sale pile. I wonder if I'll have any shirts left? ;)

May?

2009-05-01T05:57:00.000-04:00

Looking for some great cereal coupons? There are a lot of $1.00 off/one Kellogg's cereal in my sidebar. $1 off/1 cereal coupons don't come out often, so I would get them while you can! Combine them with a sale and you could get cereal for a little over a $1!! Just click and print! --->
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I can't believe it is May already. I feel like a broken record, continually saying that time is flying by - but it truly is! I just don't know where it has gone. This month has been so busy that I can't keep track of much. I guess I can't complain too much though. I did want to be subbing more and I finally got my wish. It is nice to be doing something with myself, regardless of how exhausting and trying it can be at times... :) But I feel more useful and as if I have a bit more of a purpose, so that has been nice for me (you'd think with all I have to do around the farm, I would feel I have a purpose, but yeah...)

Today would have been my dad's 63rd birthday. I know a lot of my posts revolve around my dad. I hope it doesn't get too tiring to read about. It amazes me that I can still miss him as much as I do. Such simple things can cause a pain in my heart. All I can say is that I truly miss his advice. I wish I knew what he thought about where I am in life. I'd love to have his knowledge around the farm here. He would be such a help to us. I miss his laughter and hugs. I miss him terribly. He was such a great person, and father.

This month will once again bring a lot of traveling and commitments. I'm really just ready for a month where we can relax, but that doesn't seem as if it will happen anytime soon. Next weekend I'm going on a very quick trip to Pennsylvania for a friend's wedding...flying out Saturday morning and coming back Sunday morning. Our nephew is having a graduation party the next Saturday, and my sister gets married on the 30th. Somewhere in there we hope to have a yard sale too. Ahh. I don't even want to think about what June is bringing!

On top of everything we continue to work around the farm. I'm waiting anxiously for the weather to get a bit better so we can plant the veggie garden. Really need to get them planted!!

And of course, here is a chick picture:

What are these? More new chicks? Ah. Yeah. Haha. We are officially addicted to chicks. Haha. But this is it. I couldn't resist when I went in to a feed store the other day. In part because it seems that about 6 at the minimum of the second batch of chicks are Roos. We will probably keep one, but the others we will need to get rid of. Most likely they will be for meals. In addition, they were supposed to be mostly Barred Rocks, but the guy who sold them to us was entirely wrong. They are Black Sex Links, and some other things we don't know yet... So when I went to the feed store and saw they had Barred Rocks, I had to get a couple. I also picked up a Rhode Island Red, a Buff Orpington, and 2 Easter Eggers. The Easter Eggers are the ones that look like little balls of fluff with chipmunk markings. They are extremely cute. And now we have a big variety of chickens. All different colors, sizes and types. :)

The adventures continue!

Quoted

2009-04-29T22:11:00.000-04:00

Student: "Chris said that you have a head that is too big for your body."
Me: "Ohhh. Interesting."
Student: "Or maybe it was that your head was small and your body was large."
Me: "Was Chris one of the students who had to write his name on the board when I was there the other day?"
Student: "Yeah, he got in trouble when you were subbing for our class."
Me: "That's what I thought."

Apparently, I'm the mean sub because I hold kids accountable when they shout and curse in class. :) Since I've been subbing at the same school for the last few weeks I've gotten to know many of the students, and have been the sub for many different classes. Apparently, many of the kids think I'm mean because they got in trouble. Ha. I wonder if they think their regular teachers are mean when they get in trouble with them? :)

Wow.

2009-04-27T21:02:00.004-04:00

What have I been doing this month? Not posting it seems. Life has been...busy.

For a while there, I was having a hard time posting. Not knowing what to say. Wanting to say something, but worrying that the fact I was feeling kind of down would reflect way too much in my posts...and didn't want my posts to be all negative.

We took a trip to the farm, and that was difficult on me...caused a lot of stress. That trip taught me that people can really suck. Not that I didn't know that already. But, I hate that so many people are out to rip people off...and you never know who to trust. The main reason for our trip was to find an auctioneer for the equipment/tools still at the farm, but what I found were people who were full of BS and quite ridiculous. I didn't like either of the auctioneers we met with, but unfortunately, we had to go with one. How you pick in a situation like that is beyond me. We believe that everything will be over with the farm come June 30th. As sad as I am, I can't really wait. I need this stress to be over with.

I've been subbing A LOT more this month. I finally got a call to sub at the school two minutes from our house, and ever since then I've been going there a few times a week. They like that I'm so close and easy. :) I'm working there at least 9 more days the next two weeks. (And wouldn't you know that I get asked to sub one place and suddenly I start getting called by the sub line more too? Now I'm worried that since I've had to turn down the sub line too often that they won't call me again. Sigh. I wish I knew how it worked better...). It's been nice to be working often, but at the same time, a bit tiring. It isn't easy being a sub, that's for sure. :) The kids sure are interesting some times... It has also been rough because B has moved to afternoon shift, which means when I work, we only see each other about a half hour in the morning and maybe a half hour at night when he gets home. It has been really hard for me to adjust to not having him here, or really seeing him. No more dinners together, or watching our favorite shows. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself at night, and my schedule is all out of whack. I guess I'll get used to it eventually.

We've also been busy trying to get stuff done around the house since the weather has been nice. I've been mowing A LOT. We had to buy a new mower. Ugh. Ours broke down several times and finally just crashed. It seemed we were going to be putting more money in to it then we should...so it made more sense to buy a new one, even though I really, really didn't want to put out that kind of money again. Seems like once you get one bill paid off, another one just pops up. Grr. We've been doing maintenance on the tractors and crossed one big project off our to-do list, which was to build a bigger kennel for the pups. Here it is:

Not sure you can actually see how big it is, but it is a 30x40 and I know they absolutely LOVE it. They run all over the place. :) The only thing that's rough is that they dig ALL the time. It is no longer full of the green grass you see in this photo. They've dug about 10 holes in there in the week and a half its been done. But, if it makes them happy, that's all that matters. :)

We've been busy with the chickens and chicks as well. I must admit I will be glad when all of them are outside. We've moved the second set of chicks out, and now have the last set still in the house. They should be ready to go out in about a week. However, only the oldest chicks are running around outside. This is my favorite picture from the last week.

I just love it.

I also want to give a shout out to my wonderful bloggy friend HelloSweetWorld, who surprised me when she sent me some wonderful farm stationary and stamps. They arrived in the midst of a bad week, and totally made my day. I absolutely love them. :)

Hopefully, I'll be better at blogging in the coming days. I hope everyone is doing well! I promise I'm coming round to your blogs to catch up too!

Saturday Savings!

2009-04-25T00:02:00.000-04:00

Finally back with a Saturday Savings post! Been super busy and haven't been getting my grocery shopping done until Saturday afternoons, which means no time for posts!

This week, I shopped at Kroger (although I might still make a quick trip to CVS later today). I was very happy with my take this week! Lots of free stuff! I got the following:

for $38.53. I saved $68.04!!! I purchased 41 items and got many of them free...the toilet paper (yay! Free toilet paper again...wish I had known, I would have bought more papers!), the Quaker quakes, the deodorant, and the spices. Also, there is a Mail in Rebate for the All-Bran, so, essentially, I got those for free as well.

Last week I spent $6.00 at CVS and saved $30, and $50.64 at Kroger, while saving $25.12. The week before, I spent $3.70 at CVS and saved $43.90 and $38.07 at Kroger and saved $59.11.

I would have liked to do a month in review, but I seem to have lost some of my receipts...or at least I used them for MIRs and that means I can't be entirely accurate. I do know that I stayed below my $200, although it was a bit of a struggle this month. I also had somewhere around $20 in MIRs for the month.

Hopefully next month I'll be a little more on top of everything! Happy shopping!

Thinking...

2009-04-20T05:09:00.000-04:00

I don't talk about religion often on this blog. I guess because for me, it is still a relatively difficult subject.

Religion and God specifically, were a part of my life growing up. They certainly were not a "main part though. We went to church on Sundays and I attended a Catholic school (despite not being Catholic, it was a good school). Family issues and my eventual focus on skating meant that for about 6 years my sister and I rarely went to church, with the exception of holidays. At some point during those 6 years, I went from loving attending church and Sunday school, to dreading having to go.

About the age of 12 or so, my dad felt we needed to start going to church again. However, he wanted to find a new church. This meant that we visited several before he settled on one he liked - but this process was very difficult for my sister and I. As two very shy young girls, we didn't have an easy time fitting in or feeling comfortable in these new environments where we knew no one.

When my dad finally settled on a church, he sent me to Sunday school. My sister didn't go for some reason I don't remember. But I remember how uncomfortable I felt in that Sunday school. It was awful for me. Everyone there already knew each other and they weren't very welcoming. I was made fun of more then once. I hated going. I tried hard to get out of it as often as I could. I hoped my dad wouldn't wake up in time to go. When I was old enough to start attending services, I continued to struggle. Our pastor's sermons were an hour or longer most days. I didn't understand what he was saying half the time and had a hard time paying attention. I had questions that went unanswered and was often too afraid to ask. I struggled.

I struggled up until I went to college. When I got there, I stopped going to church. My boyfriend and I attended a few times, but never found one we liked. I often had the desire to go, but just never could make myself. Laziness and fear I think.

I often told myself when I first went to grad school that I would find a church. And yet I didn't. And that June, I was faced with my father's illness.

Watching my dad struggle as he did through his melanoma diagnosis and treatment significantly impacted me. During the time he was sick, his faith only increased. I certainly prayed more, but I was angry about what was happening to my dad - a good man who believed and tried to live his life the best he could. How could so many people who were unmoral and bad people still be out there living their lives while my dad was faced with the knowledge he was dying and significant suffering?

My dad knew where he was going when he passed, but that didn't make it any easier on me. My pain at having lost him and seeing him suffer - my pain as I grieved and through the events that continued to happen over the next few years. I was angry with God and angry at life. I began questioning more and more. And I could never find the answers to my questions. I became very cynical. And that seems to be where I am stuck.

Going to church since my father passed always makes me feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and brings tears to my eyes. I don't like to go. So, I don't.

I can't say I'm necessarily comfortable with where I am right now, but I also don't know how to change where I am at. B tries hard. He is very knowledgeable about religion and tries to talk to me every day about things. To help me understand. To help me find my way back. Sometimes I am in the mood to listen, others I question what he says (I can't help myself), and others, I don't want to hear it.

I guess I'm not even sure why I chose to write about this today, but it is a struggle I thought I should share.

Chick Stories...

2009-04-16T22:27:00.003-04:00

I hinted last week in a quick post that we lost some of our chicks. In all, we lost 5, so we were left with 5. It was very difficult for me to lose them. Not because of the attachment (that I was trying so hard to avoid) but because some of them suffered. And because I was so excited to start this new project and it seemed that in a matter of seconds it all changed after so much time and effort.

B and I decided to look for a few more chicks after this because we did want to have at least 15 laying hens by the end of everything. So, yesterday we finally found a guy that was selling some (we were told that TSC only took orders and they had to be 25 or more, so we didn't bother going there) and went to pick them up. Of course, we get there and we are talking to the guy and B asks, "So, how do you tell when they are a male or female?" "When they get older," the guy replies. Uh. So, it turns out, we weren't getting 10 guaranteed females...just 10 chicks and you get what you get. I'm crossing my fingers at least 5 are females. We don't have much use for lots of males...although we did get a rooster when we went to this place, who we have named Elvis, and when I get a picture of him, you will see why.

I come home today and B surprises me by telling me that he went to TSC and guess what? They had chicks for sale even though we were told they didn't sell them individually. He got 10 more. And he knows they are females. We would have just gone there in the first place had we known that they had them for sale and never worried about the 10 unknowns! :) So, now we are up 20 chicks to replace 5 that we lost. How did that happen? We must be becoming chicken farmers...I am still excited about raising chickens, and have come to quite enjoy it. I'm crossing my fingers that we have learned enough to keep these little ones alive and well.

Here are pics of the new chicks. The black ones, gray ones, brown one in the middle and brown one on the right are unknowns. The light chicks and the one on the left are from TSC.

These ones are my favorite. We have two little grey ones that look like this. They are feather footed, and actually what our rooster is. I think they are just adorable.

Apparently, the new little ones think it is appropriate to lie entirely in the food for whatever reason... And the funniest part of the whole experience...we were trying to figure out the whole sexing the chick thing, not realizing that you had to do it when they were a day old. So...here is B, trying to squeeze the poo out to see if he can tell if it is a male or female. Haha.

Want to take a few guesses at how many will end up female and how many male?

5 Things, and something you should watch...

2009-04-14T22:27:00.009-04:00

5 items in which I update you on my life (sorta, some stories reserved for later posts).

1) It has been raining here the last two days, and is supposed to rain again tomorrow...blah. Of course, it is supposed to be lovely on Thursday and Friday, when I am scheduled to work. Reasons I dislike rain, even though it is needed:

-> the pasture becomes a muddy mess
-> the yard becomes a muddy mess, and I get stuck when I try to mow and get mud all over the mower, even if it is 4 days after it has last rained.
-> 3 of our dogs go in and out of the house, therefore, they track a ridiculous amount of mud into the house, even when we wipe their paws off. Which is really nice on the white carpet the former owners thought was great in a farm house (I can't wait to one day change it).
-> we live in an area that floods. Luckily, our house is not in the flood plain, but the town around our house is, and the creek is getting high...not sure it is going to be able to make it with yet another full day of rain...

2) This reason for disliking the rain deserves its own number. Rain makes the stairs to the chicken coop extremely slippery. So slippery, I slipped on them twice today. The first time, I'm not sure how I didn't end up on my butt...but I did catch myself and only hit my arm. The second time, I don't know how I didn't end up on my face. I thought for sure I was going to go down and hit my face on the steps. It is going to happen one of these days if we don't fix how slippery the steps are. I just know it...

3) I walked outside yesterday to take care of the animals before leaving for work and found myself looking at a deer head. I was quite surprised. I shouldn't have been, since we have pieces of deer around our property often since we pick up road kill for the wolfdogs, but I was not expecting this deer head outside my door in the morning. I have no idea how it made it from the wolfdog kennel to the front yard. I don't really want to know. All I know is that people that don't know we pick up roadkill for the pups would probably be really freaked out if they visited our house (and might be even if they did know...).

4) I was extremely distressed while subbing yesterday because of what I observed while subbing for a preschool. There were about 13 kids in too tiny of a space, and 4 of these boys went around punching/hitting/kicking/terrorizing the other kids the entire time. When I asked the aide what to do in order to correct these kids, I was told I could just talk to them...and let them know that we didn't allow hitting. WHAT?!? Obviously this works well. I was told it was a regular occurance and didn't just happen because I was a sub. What ever happened to good old-fashioned punishment? I'm not saying I'm for punishing a kid, but time-outs...some sort of consequence! Talking to them. Right. I am honestly scared at what I see in schools nowadays...every time I sub, it becomes more clear to me that the upcoming generation is not raised in the way I was raised...and are just not what I would hope a child would be...

5) The other day, as I was doing things near the wolfdog kennel, I started to hear squawking. I couldn't figure out what was going on, until I looked closely at Kaos, and saw that he had gotten a hold of one of the chicken's tails! I started kicking at the kennel and yelling to get him to let go (which was quicker then running around the other side to actually get in the kennel), and finally he did. Now, Kaos has been quite obsessed with the chickens since they arrived. No doubt, he would love to make them a snack if he could. The chickens are absolutely oblivious to the fact that he is constantly watching them as they walk around, and under the wolfdog kennel (yes, they go under it...it is built on a wood platform, and they love all the bugs they can find under it). They have been torturing Kaos as they have been walking under him, and he constantly tries to pounce on them as he can see them through the cracks between pieces of wood. I guess, this particular day, the chicken's tail poked up just enough between the pieces that he was able to get it. When released, the chicken walked out from under the kennel, shook herself and continued on her way...despite the fact her tail feathers were a little plussed! And wouldn't you know, they were right back under the kennel just a few hours later...

I'll be back tomorrow hopefully with an update on things around here. I needed a little break as I explained in an earlier post. I did have a rough few days last week, but I'm feeling better.

I wanted to put a video in here, but it seems that the emedding from YouTube has been disabled for this particular video. So, click here to watch it. It is an amazing performance...brought tears to my eyes...and Simon's face. I love it.

In Memory of My Grandmother

2009-04-11T00:01:00.005-04:00

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my grandmother's passing. I still miss her quite a bit - her laugh, smile and amazing ability to love. She had such a wonderful sense of humor. I thought I would share the note I wrote last year following her death. It includes what I read at her funeral.

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As many of you already know, my grandmother (also known as Mom-Mom) passed away last week on April 11th, at the age of 95. I know that when most people hear that she was that old, they are like wow, and I know that my common response is that well, of course we kinda expected it might happen soon, but in reality, the world has lost a very special person and that is my response because I don't know what else to say. My grandmother was an amazing woman. I have so many memories of her that it is hard to organize them all. I'm having a hard time thinking that I will never drive the road to visit her again, or see her or talk to her. She was my last living grandparent.

I have some regrets in regard to the last few months of her life as well. I last saw her on Christmas, and she became very ill in March...I made the decision not to go see her because I didn't want to see her sick and dying like I had my other grandmother, my grandfather, and my dad. It has been very hard to get over those last visions and I didn't want that to be the way I remembered her. She got somewhat better after that incident in March, and I talked to her on her birthday. I promised I would come and see her as soon as I could, and she told me I better hurry. I never talked to her again. I have many times told myself that we need to make sure the people in our lives know that we love them and the impact they have made on us. I seem to forget that and get caught in my life too much sometimes...you would think I would learn after losing two people in my life who I regret not telling how important they were to me. I don't regret not seeing her while she was sick because my last memory of her is a happy one where she was her typical self. But I do regret not calling her more and going to see her when she was in-between her last episodes of illness. I can't tell you enough how important it is to tell those you love and care about how much they mean to you and what it is they've done for you while they are here. Not that they may not already know, but it is important that you are sure they do know. Put aside your life for a minute and take care of the person who has given you that love for so long.

I want to write more about the person she was and what I will miss, but that will take forever. Instead, I will include what I wrote and read at her funeral. I will miss her so much and wish I could hear her laughter one more time...

My Mom-Mom: March 10th, 1913 - April 11th, 2008

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking the last few days about what I could share about my mom-mom. It is hard to put 26 years worth of experiences into a few short minutes, so I’ve decided that the best thing to do is to focus on a few of my best memories and the personality traits that I will never forget. Some of my favorite memories of my mom-mom from early on are the weekends I would get to spend with her and my pop-pop by myself. I loved the fun things they would do with me. I remember walking the paths behind the manor collecting pine cones with them and always looking for the perfect one. I always looked forward to sleeping on the fun bed in the guest room. I remember extravagant Easter egg hunts, where I would race around with my sister looking for the eggs, and they would always be hidden in the perfect places. I remember her tea sets and my desire to have one, and her works of art. My mom-mom is also the one who taught me how to work a slinky and a jumping bean. I remember waking up early when we would be at the beach, and going upstairs to sneak into her bedroom so we could snuggle and talk. I remember playing card games with my mom-mom and her competiveness. She taught me many games and is probably the only one I knew who could play Kings In the Corners. I've missed playing games with her the past few years. My sister was right in that she was always trying to set us up with men she would meet, regardless of whether we were with someone at the time, but I will say that even though it was important that my family approved of my boyfriend, it was my mom-mom who had the final say. If she didn’t like him, I knew there was a problem. Over the years as I became more involved in skating, I began to see my mom-mom less. She always let me know she supported me though, through letters and phone calls. One thing that will always stand out to me was when she flew out to Vancouver to see me and my partner compete. At 86, this was quite a feat, and she did it anyway. I was extremely thankful.

Something that always amazed me about my mom-mom is that she always seemed so much younger then she was. I find it hard to believe that for pretty much my whole life she was in her 70s and above. To me, she seemed to have endless energy and joy, and for a long time, she would be darned if something kept her from doing what she wanted to do. Maybe it was her unforgettable smile or her absolutely joyous laugh that you could recognize no matter where you were. I will never be able to forget the smile on her face when she saw me walking towards her last Christmas, or her laughing as she argued with B about whether penguins had fir or feathers. She was even able to laugh at the many times I would accidentally bump her into things when pushing her in her wheelchair. Even as her body aged, my mom-moms mind and heart were still young. She was tenacious and determined, and I believe I have that same determination in me. Mom-mom was also a flirt. Oh boy did she like to flirt with men. Young or old, married to one of her granddaughters or someone else, she didn’t care. But despite her flirting, her love for my pop-pop always shone through. I can’t think of their relationship without thinking of love. Despite how her mind began to become more confused as the years passed, she was always able to talk to me about my pop-pop with clarity. Two Christmas’s ago, when I was visiting, she had letters from him in her room. I read some and asked her about how they met and their courtship and I learned things I hadn’t before, and all the while she was talking to me, she was giggling and smiling. I loved it. I loved my mom-mom and will miss her dearly. I will so miss her smile and laughter. I will miss playing card games with her and having her call me the wrong name. But I am happy that she is in a place where she gets to see my dad and even more so that she gets to be with the man she loved so much, after waiting so long to be reunited.

Ugh.

2009-04-09T22:06:00.002-04:00

We did make it back from our trip. I'll update soon. I'm recovering from the last few days of subbing and traveling, from trying to figure out the right thing to do with auctioneers and people who seem to always be out to undermine you just to make a buck, and from the loss of a few of our chicks today. It's been a difficult couple of days, and I'll be glad to have a day or two to kinda sit back and just be...hopefully.

Traveling, Yet Again....

2009-04-07T07:43:00.001-04:00

The next few days are going to be busy! I sub today, and B works. We'll both be home around 3:45. At this point, we need to get the animals fed and taken care of and then we will hit the road, to travel up to the farm yet again. Yay for a 7-hour drive. We will be staying in a hotel this time though. Happily. On Wednesday we will have to be up early to meet the first of two auctioneers. We are trying to figure out if it is worth our while to auction the stuff that is up there or try and figure out if there is a better option. Who knows at this point... In the midst of meeting the auctioneers, we'll be packing and loading up more stuff to bring back to our place. We will leave when done - to travel pack Wednesday night, and then I have to sub on Thursday (I don't know why I stupidly agreed to this). I will probably be subbing on little sleep!

This will make our third trip up to the farm in a month, and while I would like to think it will be our last for a while, I can't say it will be. The sale of the farm is supposed to take place at the end of the month, although we will still have time to get the rest of our stuff from up there. I still find it extremely difficult to accept the fact that it is selling...all of it...even though I will be relieved when everything is said and done. It has been a source of stress and worry and unhappiness for so long now...and it has been even harder on me since it has been up to B and I to take care of everything, even though I wasn't the one who really wanted it sold...but, I'm trying not to go there.

It will probably be a few days until I am back, as I will be catching up on a few things when we do get back (such as sleep!), and I imagine quite busy!

Busy Busy!

2009-04-06T05:29:00.000-04:00

The weather has been so nice the past week or so that I have been extremely busy doing things outside. Of course, the inside of the house reflects this (which means since it is now rainy and nasty, and will be for the next week or so, I should have time to catch up), but things are coming together outside. I got the lawn mowed for the first time this year. I've been working in the flower beds. We finally got the dock fixed from when the wind storm knocked it out of place. And we got the chicken coop almost entirely finished, with the exception of a few boxes, which is good because last Sunday, a couple that B works with gave us their 6 chickens. Yes, that is in addition to the 10 chicks we already have. But these chickens are already laying eggs, and since we got them, we have already gotten over 2 dozen eggs! I've really enjoyed the fresh eggs. We actually cracked fresh brown ones next to the white ones I got last at the store. And they were quite different! The yolks were a brighter yellow and bigger, and the eggs were more firm in our home grown eggs.

These chickens are actually a mix. Some of them actually lay blue-green eggs, also known as Easter eggs I've been told, and the rest lay brown eggs. It seems our animal family just keeps growing!

I really like having our own eggs, and I still hope that we will eventually be able to sell some at the Farmer's Market once our 10 chicks start laying eggs. Until then, we already have people that we know interested in buying some from us, which is nice. We definitely can't eat them all ourselves! :)

Speaking of the little chicks, here is the picture I took right before we put them outside earlier this week:
Two and a half weeks, and they have grown enormously! Not to mention, they seem to be in the ugly, awkward stage of getting their feathers... :) makes me laugh. We have let them wander outside in an enclosed space and they seemed to enjoy it, but for the most part they are still kept inside an area of the chicken coop with the heat lamp. Hopefully they will be ok, because the weather has decided to backtrack and we are supposed to get snow on Tuesday! I think they have enough feathers now to keep warm with the heat lamp (although we may lower it just to be safe).

The dogs have also been really good about the chickens. We have been slow to introduce them, and so far there have only been a few chases. I believe that sometime soon the dogs will be desensitized to them just as they are the geese that are always hanging out around our pond (which I wish the dogs would chase away). We just have to be extra careful and observant when the dogs are near where the chickens are right now.

I must admit, that I have really enjoyed this experience so far. It has been fun watching the chicks grow, and I even love having the bigger chickens. I love going in the coop and finding eggs, it is kind of like finding a small present every day. :)

Hope all of you were able to enjoy some nice weather over the past week...and that not every one is unlucky enough to get the cold weather we will soon be getting!

Saturday Savings!

2009-04-03T22:33:00.000-04:00

What a week! I may still run back to Kroger/Walmart tomorrow to pick up a few small items and of course water, but for the most part, my shopping trips were relatively small. We are pretty stocked up and were lucky enough to have some fish given to us this week as well as get some home-grown eggs, so we didn't really touch our meat supply. I did go to Walmart this week, first time in a while that I've gone there as well as CVS and Kroger, but, I had good reason as you shall see...

First stop, CVS, where I bought:

for $1.19. I saved $32.82!!! And most of that was tax! Gotta love getting two tubes of mascara for nickles...

I then went to Walmart where I bought:

for $16.76. I saved $19.44!! And, the really tricky part is that I actually have three Mail-In-Rebates from this purchase. The cookies, the Resolve and the shampoo will all come back in rebates - a total of $14.49, which actually means in the long run, I spent a total of $2.17 on everything pictured! That was mostly tax! I don't normally put our pet food in my posts because that comes out of a different fund, but I put it in this time because I got both those bags free! Which was quite nice!

Finally, I stopped at Kroger, where I picked up the following:

for a total of $8.09 (yay for expensive lightbulbs that Walmart doesn't carry...). I saved $17.91!!! Yup, all that milk was free. And all the granola bars were $5 total. We love granola bars in my house so it was nice to have a good deal involving them. I may just do the deal again when I go back to town on Sunday because it is almost too good to pass up...

All in all this week I spent a total of $26.04. I saved a total of $70.17!!! And I earned $14.49 in Mail in Rebates. Unlike some people, rather then put the money earned from MIRs back in to my grocery budget, I use them to pay a little extra on our outstanding loans. I figure since I already set aside a specific amount for a grocery budget, and don't have too much trouble sticking with it, that it does us more good to put them towards loans. That's just my strategy though!

Happy shopping!

April Fool's!

2009-04-01T03:05:00.000-04:00

"You can always tell it's April
By the sound of falling rain
That mystic, mournful music
As it trickles down the drain.

We're told we should be thankful

For the kiss of April showers
As it washes all the grass clean
And prepares the soil for flowers.

There's another side to April

Which doesn't bode us good,
When that mini, manic maelstrom
Turns the lawn to liquid mud."
- Thomas Vaughan Jones, O' To Be in April

I can't believe it is April already! Time just keeps going faster and faster... I do like April for the fact it does bring warmer weather, and the Easter bunny. I don't like the fact that yes, it does turn my lawn in to an absolute mess of mud. :)

April brings my mom's birthday and a bit of traveling for B and I. But, for the most part, I'm hoping for a quiet month where we can focus on getting some projects completed.

Here's hoping I don't get April Fooled this year (I did last year, will post about it at some point!).

He's Back!

2009-03-31T04:30:00.000-04:00

Onyx is back! We found him! I am so unbelievably relieved and happy!!!

I asked B yesterday if we could actually walk the paths in the woods next to our house before going in, and so we did. As we continued to trudge up and down paths, I was becoming more and more frustrated. I couldn't stop thinking that there was so way we were going to find him...he'd probably run off when he heard us coming, or he'd probably gone somewhere else, or was hiding too well.

After about 20 minutes we had covered the paths and ended up in our neighbor's driveway, which is across from our barn. I was going to run down to the barn to look around in it yet again before heading back up to the house when B looks down the road and says, "Is that him?" Of course, I don't have my glasses on and can't see anything except a blackish cat. And, our neighbors have a cat that looks entirely black until you get up on it and realize that no, it is actually black and orange and white. I decide to walk down to where this cat is, just in case, but in my head I'm trying not to get my hopes up because it is most likely the neighbor's cat. As I am getting closer, the cat jumps in to a little shed type thing that is along the road. So, when I get up to it, I can't see him. "Onyx?" I say. And I hear a meow. Not that it means that it is him, just that it is a cat. The hole he has jumped in, is not big enough for me to get into, so I have to move the roof on the shed. At this point, I see snake skins and call B over because I was scared that I'd get bit, or the cat would run out on me.

In the time that B is walking over, the cat hisses, so I really think it can't be Onyx. Why would he hiss at me? But, lo and behold, when B moves everything around, there he is, a bit dirty, but none the worse for his adventures. I think I was in a bit of shock for quite some time. So, now he is safely back in the house, where hopefully he will stay. We had a bit of lovey-dovey time, and I think he missed me, but I can't for the life of me figure out what he was doing so far away and how (or why) he got out in the first place. I guess it doesn't matter though because I have him back.

Onyx is especially meaningful to me because I got him so soon after my dad passed away. He was one of the only things in my life that kept me going rather then succumbing fully to the grief I felt...he made me smile and laugh when not many things did, and I knew I had to get up every day and take care of him. He was my companion for pretty much every hour of every day for many weeks and months, and still showed me love, even when I was at my worst. Needless to say, to lose him would be devastating (even though I know it is inevitable), especially as I continue to deal with the sale of the farm and going through everything that is there. At least now, I know where he is, and I won't be spending so much time wondering what happened and if he is ok. I am happy to have him home.

Sigh.

2009-03-30T03:17:00.000-04:00

I have not been a very good blogger as of late. I guess, in a way, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Or something. I'm not really sure. I'm finding it hard to find things to write about...or to have an idea of what it is I want to say. So, bare with me as I try and figure it out.

Something that doesn't help is the fact that my baby Onyx disappeared on Friday. Just gone. We have no idea where he went, and can only think that he somehow slipped out the door when we were going in and out. We haven't seen or heard a thing about him since early Friday morning. It isn't the first time he has "escaped." In the past, up at the farm, he slipped out and was gone for a week. But, then, I knew he slipped out the door. Today, I have no idea what happened. Just that he can't be found in the house, and it is quite distressing. So, I'm spending a lot of time searching for him. And pondering some stuff.

I'll be back soon I hope.

Saturday Savings!

2009-03-28T02:02:00.001-04:00

Wow, I can't believe another month has come and gone almost! That means it is time for the end of the month totals, and reflection on how I did. But first, here are my purchases for this week.

At CVS this week, I thought the deals were so-so. Seems they aren't offering as many opportunities to get things for "free" or better. However, I still did well with their BOGO items. Here is what I got:
for a total of $.81! I saved $16.97!! I also didn't lose any ECBs, which is nice, but I didn't gain either. I still have about $13 in ECBs left.

I must admit, that when I looked at the Kroger ad this week, I was very disappointed. I realize they just had the MEGA-sale for two weeks, and there was great savings off of that. But this week, I just didn't see much good for sale, or coupons that matched up. I didn't think I'd have a very good shopping trip. Boy was I wrong! This is what I got:

for $43.95! I saved $75.09!!! I was lucky as I started walking around the store, as I found the oatmeal for $1 (no coupons though, as I'd already used my oatmeal coupons earlier in the month). Additionally, I didn't even realize the cheese was on sale 10/$10. That means I got 6 packages of cheese for $6! I stocked up as much as I could. I don't think I'll need cheese for a while (and we like our cheese around here!). I got the Suave, the Glucerna cereals, one box of the Wheat Thins and the Johnson's Buddies soap for free. Additionally, there is a mail in rebate on the Pert Plus, and a coupon online for $1, so I should be making some money back on that.

All in all this week I spent $44.76. I saved $92.06!! Can't complain about that with what I thought was an extremely slow week deal-wise.

This month, I spent a total of $139.08 on groceries. Talk about under budget! I was helped by the use of a $25 gift card one of the weeks, but even if I added that and didn't count it as savings, I would have spent under $170 for the month. That is well below my $200 for the month goal. I think I will continue to stay at the $200 a month goal for now, as it seems reasonable, although, I may be able to cut back a little in the future. We'll see.

I saved a total of $333.07 this month (not including the gift card). That is over twice what I spent!

Additionally, I should have about $6 in Mail-in-Rebates coming back for the month.

Happy shopping everyone, let me know how it is going for you!

Writing

2009-03-24T03:48:00.002-04:00

Not too long ago, I posted about my grandfather. At the time, I was really hoping to share a piece that I wrote about him in college, but was unable to find it. Lo and behold, I was going through the boxes in our garage yesterday and I found a copy of it! I thought I would share, and added a few pictures to it as well. It is a bit long, but I hope you'll read it.
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The relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren varies greatly from family to family. I have heard from some people how they can't stand their grandparents and from others that their grandparents are the best people in the world. My grandparents were the best people in the world. Especially my grandfather. Nothing can describe the wonderful relationship that we had, and how much we cared about each other.

I can remember only good things about my grandfather, or "Pop-Pop" as my sister and I so affectionately called him. He was a kind and gentle man who taught me a lot about life, and who called me "Petunia." He was a small man, very skinny, but had a great sense of humor and smelled like peppermints. He always had a peppermint with him, and many times he would sneak me some after meals.

When I was little, I am not exactly sure what age it was, he spent a lot of time teaching me how to spell. He never became frustrated when I mixed up the d's with the b's and found it funny that I spelled my sister's name Heibi. He continued to work with me until one day when I finally got it right.

I remember when I would come over and he would teach me how to play the organ, and later the piano. I always tried my hardest to get the pieces right because I wanted to make him proud. Sometimes though, my sister and I would just want to have fun, and would pound on the keys causing a lot of nonsense to be played. My Pop-Pop would just laugh and let us keep playing because he knew we were having fun.

When I first learned to tell time on a clock other than the microwave, he gave me a hug and congratulated me. He made such a big deal about it that one would think I had won the Olympics.

Although Pop-Pop was not one to tell me that he loved me a lot, I always knew that he did. Whether it was the twinkle in his eye or how proud he got, I never doubted the fact that he loved me.

Never a visit would pass that he wouldn't sit on the steps near the family room to listen to the conversations that would take place between my mother and grandmother. Sometiems I sat next to him and wondered what was so interesting, others, I would go and play the organ and try to get attention.

Birthdays were some of my favorite times. Shortly after we would arrive at my grandparent's house, my Pop-Pop would start playing Happy Birthday on the organ. I looked forward to the beautiful sound, and knew that I wouldn't leave without hearing the familiar notes.

Pop-Pop was diagnosed with Alzheimer's around the time I was in first grade. I didn't know what it meant at the time, just that he was sick. Times with my grandfather changed a lot after that. He didn't call me Petunia as much, and he hstayed in his room most of the times that my sister and I came over. I tried to get him to talk as much as I could. I knew he was upset because of what was happeneing, and I wanted to make him feel good about himself. Never a visit passed when I wouldn't go into his room and give him a hug and tell him that I loved him. Good memory or not, he was still my Pop-Pop and I still loved him.

As the years passed, I began to get more involved with figure skating and didn't get to spend as much time with my grandfather. When I did visit him, I wouldn't see him for more than a few minutes because he would sit in his room watching TV. He became less social, and would no longer sit and listen to conversations between my mom and my grandmother. Birthdays were much different because he no longer played Happy Birthday.

Some days would be better than others, and it is those good days that I choose to remember. Like the day he called and I answered the phone, only to hear some familiar words from my childhood, "Hello Petunia." And on my sister's birthday when out of nowhere the notes of Happy Birthday started to play, and did so for several minutes.

There was still a special bond between my grandfather and I, and it would remain until the day that he died. Memory or not, I believe that someone can sense that they are cared about and loved.

The last time I saw my Pop-Pop, he was unconscious in a hospital bed. It was one of the hardest moments of my life knowing that I was no longer going to see him on the stairs, be able to give him a hug, or smell that familiar pepperminty smell. My last words to him were, "Hey Pop-Pop, its Petunia. I just wanted you to know that I love you and I am going to miss you very much." He squeezed my hand then, and I will forever carry that in my heart.

Sometimes, one doesn't realize how proud someone is of them until after that person dies. I always knew that my grandfather was proud of me, I just didn't realize how proud. After his funeral, my family and I were looking through his things and found a few scrapbooks. What they contained was amazing. The mementos of my childhood, all the way up to the present made me feel so special. He hadn't missed a single thing. The time he spent making the book was evident and gave me a sense of love and pride.

To this day I miss my grandfather, and wish that he could have lived to see me reach my highest level of skating, graduate from high school and become the woman I am today. However, he is with me every step of the way and I know that he is still proud of me.

Spring has Sprung!

2009-03-23T05:37:00.001-04:00

I am so excited that Spring has finally arrived! Look what we have outside in the flower beds!

Our first flowers are already blooming! The grass outside is almost all green! And the weather is finally enjoyable! I can go outside without a heavy coat. I can actually stand to be outside longer then a few minutes! Ahhh, I love spring!

B and I have been taking advantage of the wonderful weather that we have had the last few days. I've gotten the vegetable garden tilled and cleaned up. We've almost finished the chicken coop. We are digging up the outside faucets in order to replace them. We've been getting the oil changed in the mowers and other equipment. And of course, we are getting all our flower beds cleaned up so the new blossoms and plants can flourish. I feel like we have a million things to do this spring, but I am looking forward to most of it. On our list of things to get done (and this is just in the spring!):

-Build a new kennel for the wolfdogs
-Plant the vegetable garden
-Fix the dock (got messed up in one of the wind storms)
-Paint the dock
-Paint the deck
-Replace the outside faucets
-Have a HUGE yard sale
-Finish the kitchen (haha)
-Finish the chicken coop
-And probably many others but, I can't remember them!

I'm hoping to get started on my first ever furniture improvement project this coming week. I wanted to start this week, but spent much of my time getting our spare bedroom and bathroom ready for our friend to move in, or out in the flower beds because they needed tended to. I have no idea how this project will go, but I figured it was worth a shot to try because if I don't improve it, I'll probably just try and sell it for a few dollars at a yard sale and have to buy a new piece of furniture. I'll be sure to keep track of how it goes and do a post all about it. :)

I have a feeling next week will bring the first of the mowing. I never thought it would start so soon in the year (not complaining though because I LOVE spring!).

I hope you are all enjoying spring and the weather it is bringing. What are your spring projects?

P.S. Look at how fast the chicks are growing! Already getting tail feathers and jumping up on top of the waterer. They are still extremely scared of me and B, and I'm not thinking they will ever really "like" us. That's ok though. I don't want to get too attached! They will be big enough to head outside in a few more days!

Saturday Savings!

2009-03-21T05:47:00.001-04:00

What a week! The deals were hopping at Kroger again this week (love the MEGA-sales), and I think I had one of my best shopping trips yet!

I started at CVS this week. I honestly didn't think the deals were that good this week at first. But, I had a $5/30 coupon and thought for once I would actually try and use it (I hardly ever use my $/$$ coupons because they expire too quickly). I ended up purchasing the following (minus a candy bar that disappeared before this photo was taken):

for a grand total of $.29!!! I saved $50.74!!! I also only lost one ECB on the entire purchase, which was in my opinion quite a good shopping trip. I still have $13 in ECB, and while I would like to try and keep it around there, or actually get a few more saved back up, the next few weeks aren't looking the best for deals, but you never know what could come up.

At Kroger this week, I got the following:

for $38.88. I saved $78.27! There are 46 items there, which means I paid under a dollar for each item I purchased! Freebies of the week were both Diet Dr. Pepper's (I found a coupon for a free Dr. Pepper in Cosmo...how random was that?), the gum, one Pepsi 12-pack (which I was extremely excited about because I hardly ever see Pepsi coupons...found here if you use Firefox and here if you use IE), one of the Aqua Juices, the Quaker Quakes, the salsa and both Johnson's Buddies soaps. Not free? The toilet paper you see at the top. I really miss my free toilet paper. I've never tried the Kroger brand tp, and thought I'd give it a try since it is the cheapest, but I may not feel it is worth it in the end (ever notice how sometimes cheaper toilet paper doesn't last as long? Almost worth paying more). Additionally, there is a Mail-in-Rebate for the Sargento's potato topping, which means I will get my money back on that plus some ($2.50 purchase price - $1.00 coupon = $1.50, but when I turn in the MIR, I should get $2.50 back). Love free stuff!

All in all this week, I spent a total of $45.17 (I also purchased water at Walmart). I saved a total of $129.01!!! I continue to be very under budget for the month, mostly because of my stellar week last week. However, I have also stayed under my $50 budget every week so far, which has also helped!

Happy Shopping!

Thoughts on Marriage 182 Days in...

2009-03-20T08:01:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that 6 months ago, I was eating breakfast and preparing for my wedding ceremony at this time. I actually feel like a lot more time has passed then 6 months (is that bad?) :).

Growing up, my parents did not have the happiest of marriages. I truly think that my mom and dad were among the couples who got married for the wrong reason. My dad told me a few times the first time I was engaged that I needed to make sure I knew the person I was marrying. I think, he felt that he didn't know my mom well enough when they got married. And she would probably say the same thing. A common theme seemed to be that each of them thought the other changed after they got married, but really, it was that they were seeing the "true" personality of the person they had married that they had not had a chance to see before. The "true" person was not really someone they were compatible with, and therefore, they had a hard time accepting and relating to each other.

Not to say that my parents didn't care for each other, or love one another, but I don't believe they were in love with each other. This meant that they were often doing their own thing, and sometimes this meant they fought. They did not display affection often in front of my sister and I - not even by holding hands, or small touches. I do not fault them, as I believe they tried hard to make their marriage work, and believe me, it wasn't easy with my mom's illness, among other things.

Their relationship made me wonder how I would ever know if I found the right person. I was scared that I would marry the wrong one and end up trapped and unhappy in a marriage. This did not mean that I didn't want to get married - my dream was actually to get married young, and then be a young mother. But there was always this question of how would I know?

I thought I knew when I was 17. I met a man, who was quite a bit older then me (25, but, as I have always been told, despite looking young, I'm actually quite mature for my age, so I've always dated older guys). He became my first serious boyfriend, and pretty much told me from the beginning that he wanted to marry me. We dated for 4 years, and he proposed. I was certain that he was the one for me. We were often referred to as an old married couple...I guess because we were so comfortable in our relationship. And it wasn't a bad relationship, just as he wasn't a bad guy. The summer before we got engaged, I moved 7 hours away to attend grad school. Things started to change for me then. I became more independent. I really liked having that independence. I tried new things I couldn't do when I was with him, and I had fun. Although I accepted his proposal, I believe I knew deep down that it wasn't the right thing. At 21, I was too young, and still needed to experience things in my life...and to actually find me. After my dad passed away, I struggled with many things, and eventually, we broke off our engagement. It was one of the hardest things to do...to feel like I was making him feel bitter, and what if he never found someone else? After almost 6 years together, and many experiences, we had a hard time letting go. But eventually, I moved on.

And eventually, I met B. I can't say what was different about B. But, I knew that we understood each other and made each other laugh. A lot. We had fun when we were together and we wanted a lot of the same things from life. We struggled through some difficult experiences and he still wanted to be with me even when I was at my darkest point. I could just "be" with him. We didn't have to talk or do things, just sitting with each other was enough. He loved me despite my independence and all my other flaws. And somehow I knew he was the one for me.

Since I walked down the aisle 6 months ago, I have fallen even more in love with my husband. I didn't know that was possible. We have continued to build ourselves a home, had our first holidays as a married couple, and made many memories. We have challenged each other to grow and also to change for the better. We have set goals and work towards them together. We have learned to consider each other in important decisions, and celebrate when we accomplish great things. It hasn't always been smooth sailing either, but we have been challenged to work through our problems and concerns in the best possible ways, and have come out the better for it. I feel that we've been lucky in that it hasn't been hard to adjust to living with one another or sharing space, etc. I've learned that I really need to think about the other person that I am living with though, and to try and make his life easier. As much as I may hate cleaning, it isn't fair to ask him to do it when he works and I don't. I've really worked to make an effort to improve some of my more obvious flaws...

There is something very meaningful in knowing that someone loves you enough to commit to spend their lives with you. I think it creates a closer bond, and a deeper level of intimacy. I know that we will have many more challenges, successes and experiences ahead, but I look forward to all of them, and consider myself so lucky to have such a loving and wonderful husband.

Chicks!

2009-03-17T03:39:00.001-04:00

HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY!!! :)

Not too long ago, I said something to B about raising our own chickens. I was slightly kidding, as I didn't think he'd go for it, but I brought it up wondering if it was worth having your own chickens to lay eggs, and then to eventually use for meat (something must be wrong with me if I am considering killing an animal on my farm for my own purpose...sigh). He was actually pretty receptive to the idea, and we even talked about maybe one day going to the farmer's market to sell our own eggs (along with a variety of other things, but that is a ways off). Neither of us knew if having chickens would really save us money (let's be honest, eggs aren't the most expensive thing I buy from the grocery store, but I guess any money saved is money saved), but we also couldn't see what it would hurt. They'd eat the bugs, hopefully provide us with eggs, and one day we'd be able to use them for meat. We kept it in the back of our minds, and when we saw ads for them in the paper, continued to talk about getting them.

Well, yesterday, I went to the local feed store and came home with these:

Yup. 10 little pullets (female chicks). I can't for the life of me remember what kind they are...just that they lay big brown eggs. I think they have the word Golden in their name too, but don't quote me on that. These chicks are currently in our bedroom, as we have nowhere else in the house to put them that the cats won't get them. Haha. Who would have thought we'd have chicks in our bedroom?

Anyway, neither of us have ever raised chicks before, so it is sure to be an experience for us. I don't think it is supposed to be hard, but that doesn't mean anything. My main concern is getting the dogs to leave them alone once we put them outside (and for good reason, since we didn't give the dogs much thought when we got goats, which was not smart on our part since they ended up attacking one of them...high prey drive). For some of the dogs, this won't be a problem, but the others...they will need to be taught, and we will have to keep a close eye on them for a while. Granted, they don't chase the geese that hang around the pond anymore, but chickens that are around the house might be different.

I must admit that I find these little boogers quite cute. They sleep in the oddest positions. They fall over quite a bit. And they have stellar hearing. I was quite a bit away from them and made a noise, and the whole group of them started and began running around their bin. I am going to do my best not to get attached to them though. I need to start teaching myself not to get so attached to every little living thing that comes into our lives.

I'm looking forward to this adventure with these little babies though. I'm excited to see how fast they grow and to get our first egg (not for about 5 months or so most likely!). It is sure to be an experience!

Recap of Fun Events, Part 2

2009-03-16T02:28:00.001-04:00

To continue with while I was away (and for those of you who laughed at my last post, I wish you could here B actually tell the story, you probably would have laughed much harder!)...

We returned from the farm early on Thursday morning (2am!), only to be awoken early the next morning (8am!) by B's dad, who was worried about us, and wanted to make sure that we had gotten home ok. After the phone call, we were awake, and decided it was time to get up and get to things...we were expecting visitors later in the day, as my best friend K was coming to visit for the first time since September, and since we had pretty much been gone for a week (being sick makes you feel like you are gone, doesn't it?) the house was a mess and we had a lot to catch up on. So, despite feeling as if I needed to sleep another week, I got up, and started to get things together. I cleaned the house as best I could. Spent time with the animals, who I really missed, and got stuff together. Of course, when K called to tell me she was on her way to the house, I didn't feel ready for her to get there and was beyond exhausted. But, I was extremely excited to see her! :) That night, we had seven guests come to the house (the most we've entertained at one time, besides for the wedding!)...many of which were there to see K, because they miss her as much as me! K gave me my birthday present, which was an original Star Wars T-shirt (whoo!), and of course many good stories of the things she has been experiencing. The evening was filled with lots of fun, laughter and good times. We played games, made fun of each other, and stayed up late. Here are me and K, laughing as we typically do...we hardly ever get good pictures together because we always make each other laugh! (Don't mind the boxes in the backround...no, we are still not unpacked, although those boxes have finally made their way out to the garage and the yard sale section...)

The next morning, we again got up WAY too early. B and I had lots of errands to run, and so K came with us to town and went shopping (she loves to shop, especially in her old college town!) while we ran errands. When we returned home, we awaited the arrival of our other friend, N, whom we also hadn't seen since September. We had planned to have a night out (what? A night out...I can't remember the last time I had one of those...probably in September...) just like old times. Of course, as K and I were waiting for N to arrive, we were both exhausted and wanted to sleep...but did we? No... We mostly spent the hours catching up and just laughing. There is nothing like being with your best friend and being able to laugh at absolutely nothing...

N finally arrived and out we went. We visited a few of our old favorite haunts and had a good time. K has a bad habit of leaving her purse at the table when she goes to the bathroom or finds people she knows...and her camera is always there with it. Even though N and I have continuously taken her camera and left her pictures without her realizing it until she downloads the pictures, she still hasn't learned. And so we did it again. My favorite of the night?

Haha. That was very early on in the evening. This is a more normal picture of the two of us:

I've never been a big "party" person...I never went out in college and rarely in grad school and beyond. It shows when I do go out. About 11:00, I was tired. :) But I stayed out with them until 2am, because it was so much fun to just hang out with them and catch up. I truly miss seeing them on a regular basis. By the time I drove us back to my house, we were tired and ready for sleep. But, 8 hours of sleep was not to be, as the next morning, we met with a group of friends and former staff members for brunch at Bob Evans. Here are some of us:

Sitting around the table, I realized how much I missed the group of people I was with. In my previous job, I was a supervisor to 15 students and 1 grad studet (K). I was in the job for 3 years and while it was challenging, I adored the students I worked with. We became like family, and every time we get together, I feel like it is a family reunion. We laugh and have fun and I truly enjoy it. After brunch, we pretty much went our separate ways. K and N had to get home and had pretty long drives ahead of them. I was sad to see them go. I missed them. I am not the best at keeping in touch over the phone, and because of this, don't keep in touch with them the way I should. I resolve to work on this, but must say that Facebook is a lovely thing, because we send each other messages every day, which helps some.

Later in the week was my birthday! To be honest, I am not a fan of birthdays. I don't particularly like getting older, and in the past, my birthday's have not typically been fun. Many times they would pass without acknowledgement, or people were too busy to celebrate, or I had to work, or just something. This year, B surprised me with a small gathering of friends, and he BBQed for us all. I love BBQing. Especially since it means that warmer weather is on the way! And because my hubby is so great at BBQing. :) We spent the evening eating good food and laughing. Here are a few pictures from my party:

My ice cream cake from DQ, which melted a bit, but was still extremely tasty. I LOVE ice cream cake. Yum.

My present, an apron. Haha. I've been in desperate need of an apron, having ruined several shirts and sweatshirts while cooking. B actually listened to what I said and found one for me. It will go to good use.And, a picture of me and B. I love my hubby. :)

Now that things are back to normal, B and I have been getting to work around the farm. Spring is definitely coming, as the grass is turning green, and the gardens are sprouting already! As much as I love Spring, it does mean quite a bit of outside work for us, but I'm looking forward to it. We are also in the process of working on our kitchen (wait til I get a post up about that), and cleaning out a few of our rooms in preparation for one of my former staff members to move in for a few months. He needed a place to stay, and we were more then happy to help him out. We are thinking of getting some chicks to have home-grown eggs (MAYBE, not decided on that yet), and I continue to sign up for more opportunities to substitute. So, while things settle down on one end, we remain busy overall...I think I may have finally caught up on my sleep though, and happily, my cold has gone away.

Despite the fact that the last few weeks have been busy and tiring, I realize that I have been very lucky to spend quite a bit of time with some great friends, making great memories. We spend a lot of days laughing and having good times, and that truly seems to be what life is about sometimes...I am grateful for having the opportunities.

Saturday Savings!

2009-03-14T00:44:00.000-04:00

Do you have a child in diapers? If so, check out my coupons.com sidebar for $5.00 and $3.00 off Huggies diapers! Hopefully, they go on sale at Kroger soon, as combined with the Cellfire and Shortcuts coupons that are currently out, there is potential for $8.00 or more savings on diapers! (They were still available as of Friday morning!) ------------------------------------>
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After a week of not posting my Saturday Savings (I was sick!), I am back, with a stellar week!

I went to CVS first this week, although I have no picture. I was mad at myself before I went because I realized that since I couldn't shop last week due to being out of town, sick and people visiting, I had let some of my ECBs expire. But, oh well. I did purchase some toothpaste and vitamin D for a total of $.06! I saved $6.89!

Kroger is once again having a MEGA-sale! I hope it continues next week because as always, there were many things included in the sale that weren't on the flyer, that I'd like to have a chance to get next week! Here is what I got:

For a total of $28.11. I saved $52.86!!!! And, I actually only spent $3.11, because I used a giftcard that B and I got for Christmas. Talk about a great shopping week! :) There were several free items this purchase, including the Buddies soap (can never have too big a stockpile in my opinion!) and the Quaker cakes. One thing I was very upset about this week...my Kroger stopped carrying the 4 packs of Cottonelle! The 4-packs were $.99 and coupons came out that would make it free...so now, I have no way to get free toilet paper and my stockpile is almost out. I seriously stood in the toilet paper aisle for about 10 minutes...dumbfounded that the Cottonelle was no longer there... I guess I'll have to search around for other great deals on TP...

All in all this week I spent a total of $10.71 (went to Walmart for items not pictured) and saved $59.75! I'm not sure I can beat that next week, although if the MEGA-sale continues, I'll be crossing my fingers for more big savings!

This month is going well...last week, although I did not post, I spent $48.74 and saved $52.25. I am already well below budget for this month. :)

Happy shopping! (And let me know if you know of any great deals on TP!)

Aaaaaand.....I'm Back!

2009-03-13T09:28:00.001-04:00

And the winner of my giveaway was: #26! Auntrene!

Here are your random numbers:

Timestamp: 2009-03-13 13:29:37 UTC

#5 is the runner up if Auntrene doesn't claim the prize!

________________________________________________________________

Hello Bloggy Friends! It has been quite a while since I have posted. The last two weeks have been unbelievably busy and crazy. Yes, we traveled a total of 32 hours in 9 days. Yes, I came down with a fever of 101.5 and stayed sick for over a week. Yes, friends visited from out of town that I haven't seen since September. Yes, it was my birthday (Ack!). I've been worn out and tired, and trying to catch up on life. I think I'm finally there though!

I don't anticipate that B and I will be making any more trips up to the farm in the coming weeks...but I could be wrong. I, for one, am not anxious to make another trip up. The first trip we went up in order to clean out the barn of all junk, and to pick up a tractor. It was not an altogether eventful trip, but enough for us to be tired, and for me to get sick. We didn't get everything we wanted in that trip, nor did we fill the dumpster up, but by the time Thursday rolled around, B was feeling pretty awful (he was sick when we first went up) and I was starting to get sick so we decided enough was enough and we left. On the way home, B started thinking that maybe we should make another trip up while the dumpster was still there. I thought he was a little nuts, and not really serious, but didn't really care at the time, because I felt so awful. Turns out he was serious.

I spent the 3 days in between our trips trying to get better, and rest up. I was upset that I was so sick, as the coming weekend was to bring my best friends to town, who I hadn't seen since September. We'd been planning the visit for months, and it figured that I would get sick beforehand.

So, Tuesday came and we headed back up for what was to be a short trip (and we hoped a relatively uneventful trip, as the first one had been), as we planned to return on Wednesday. The purpose of the trip was to pick up the camper that is up there and bring it back so we can attempt to sell it (B and I have no use for a 36 foot camper really...). We also wanted to try and get the dumpster full, so we didn't feel we had wasted any money on getting such a big one. After a few hours, the dumpster was as full as it was going to get, I was tired and grumpy, and we decided it was time to hook the camper up. All fine and dandy, but neither B nor I had ever hooked a fifth-wheel camper up to a fifth-wheel hitch (we had done it with our horse trailer, but the camper was different). B thought I knew how, but, when I had used it in the past, someone else had always connected the camper for me. After a few minutes, we figured it out. "Not too hard," we thought. Well, we got it all hooked up. I plug the camper in to the back of the truck so we can raise the legs...and nothing. They don't move. That's weird, I thought. They worked last time (yeah...like 2.5 years ago...). Luckily for us, B had brought a generator up, and we connected the camper to the generator, and were able to use that power to get the legs up. BUT, what he didn't think about, was the fact that he couldn't leave the generator in the back of the truck while the camper was connected. So, here we've gotten everything attached and ready to go, and the generator is still in the back of the truck! Uh. We really don't want to unattach the camper. Even though it would be the "smart" thing to do. B comes up with this WONDERFUL idea (I'm being sarcastic) of trying to create a ramp with two boards leaning off the side of the truck that we'll just roll the generator down. Have you ever lifted a generator? They are heavy! And he was up in the bed of the truck, with me on the bottom end of the generator! All I could think was...It is going to be too heavy to hang on to and it is going to crash in to me and I'm going to die! Or, less serious, that it was going to fall off the boards, dent the truck and crash to the ground and need costly repairs... For 15 minutes or so, we worked at getting this generator off the truck. FINALLY, we got it to the end of the boards, where B had taken up residence. B lost his balance and fell over backwards. I laughed my behind off. It was quite a funny site. We attempt to put the generator in the camper, only to figure out that it is too wide and we have to take the wheels off. But ok, we finally are ready to go. Everything is packed. The camper is attached. We hope in the truck, B hits the gas and ...... We don't go anywhere! What? He tries again. ...... "I don't think I have enough mmmph to pull this thing," he says. Which is impossible, considering our truck is exactly the same as the one I used to pull the camper the last time. So, we get out and realize that our tires are FROZEN IN THE GROUND! The camper seems to have sunk in the ground about 3-4 inches and because of the incredibly cold weather, froze in place. This is what they looked like:

By this point, I am not in a good mood. We have no way to pull the camper out ourselves. We have no cell phone service. We walk across the street to our only neighbor and they aren't home. So, we have to walk about a quarter mile up a hill to the only place within walking distance that we MIGHT be able to get service. We are lucky to get it. B calls a towing company, and they arrive about 30 minutes later. They hook up to the truck (that is actually B hooking to the truck):

They start to wench....and the tow truck moves back towards our truck because the camper won't move! ARGH! The tow truck guy even puts braces in the ground and it doesn't work. Finally, he connects two wenches to the truck and we give it a shot. And FINALLY we break free. This is what it looked like where the tires once were:

I've never seen anything like that before! Ee were finally able to get back on the road, and I was happy for that. So was B. Our adventure wasn't over yet though! It was early in the evening by the time we hit the road...after 5, which meant we wouldn't get home til after midnight. I went to take the Magellan out...always good to have with us, even if we know the way, and B says "I could drive this with my eyes closed now." So, I don't turn it on. Well...we both get phone calls, and B misses a turn. At which point, he turns down another road that he hopes will just cut back across. Turns out, he's pulled down a driveway. And not just any driveway, one that goes downhill. With a 36-foot camper on the back. Off a semi-busy road. And at this point it has gotten dark. He tells me to jump out and stop traffic. Which I try to do, but mind you, I'm dressed in all brown (my bibs and jacket). People don't see me very well. And they for some reason, aren't paying attention to the huge camper that is trying to back out of a driveway. B finally gets a window and tries to back out. I hear a loud crunch and about fall over. I know he hasn't hit anything because I can see the back of the camper. All I can think is that the camper smashed the side of the truck. I run up to see what happened, and sigh with relief to find that while the camper and truck hit, the only real damage is a bit of the fiberglass on the camper (who invented these things anyway! You can't go up or down grades with them attached to your vehicle as they are only about 4 inches from the side of the truck! Stupid!). B is having an incredibly hard time trying to back out and turn around, so, eventually he decides to just try and continue down the road the same direction...if he can get out. Which he does, but only after I almost get hit by a car that refuses to stop when I am standing in the middle of the road waving my arms...and the camper is already somewhat out on the road (people are always in a hurry...). We continue down the road, and find our way back to where we are supposed to be somehow.

Luckily the rest of the trip was uneventful. But, it took us 9 hours to get home. Needless to say, that was not the trip we were hoping for! I, for one, am glad to be home and would be happy staying here for a couple weeks with no more trips. The animals missed us. We fell very behind due to trips, visits from friends, the fact we are trying to get the house rearranged so we can have a friend move in for a few months and other things. It's been rather hectic!

I'll continue the recap of the last few weeks in my next post...I don't think my posts need to be much longer then this one is!

Glad to be back!

SITS Spring Fling Giveaway!

2009-03-10T12:01:00.004-04:00

Ok, I wasn't originally going to post a giveaway today as part of the SITS Spring Fling because I didn't have the time to get something together. BUT, I've been going through stuff today and came across a cute item I thought would be fun to giveaway. And since the day is only half over, I figured, why not?

So, I am giving away this cute adjustable rhinestone necklace!!

It has never been worn!

The rules of the giveaway? Leave a comment. If you would like an additional entry, become a follower of my blog and let me know in a SEPARATE comment that you have become a follower.

The giveaway will close Wednesday, March 11th at 11:59pm. I'll post the winner on Friday, March 13th (hopefully). The winner will be chosen by my lovely friend, Random.org.

For more giveaways, go check out SITS!

I hope I win something, it would be a perfect gift for my birthday, which is in two days! (YIKES)!

Traveling, Part 2

2009-03-03T09:51:00.002-05:00

I've been an absolutely terrible blogger this past week...and will probably remain a terrible blogger until the weekend. I'm sorry if I haven't visited or been by with a comment...since returning from our trip last week, I've been quite under the weather. B was sick before we left last week and I was already quite rundown...I've been feeling that way for weeks. Apparently the trip was all it took to wear me down enough for a sickness to take hold. On the way home, I started feeling achy and feverish, and just downright awful. When we got home on Thursday, I had a temperature of 101.5. I've had a fever on and off since then, and overall feel pretty awful. I haven't been able to sleep much because my nose is so runny and my ears are clogged that I wake up every hour or so even taking nyquil (and feeling so exhausted that I'm surprised I don't pass out).

Today is the first day that I don't feel quite so awful...but there is no reprieve as B and I are taking another trip up to the farm today. While our trip last week was pretty successful in getting through things, there is still a lot up there, and for reasons which would take forever to go into right now, we need to make another trip this week. So, tonight we will drive the 7 hours back up, spend the night, go through a bit more stuff and attach the camper to bring back down tomorrow. We hope to be back tomorrow evening sometime. I hope to just make it through the trip. This will be the last trip for a bit, thank goodness. I just wish it were during a time I was feeling healthy. I honestly cannot wait until this chapter of my life is closed. It is emotionally and physically draining. It is time to move on.

I'll be back when I recover, but please know I miss reading about what is going on with everyone!

Poetry

2009-03-02T06:03:00.000-05:00

Out of the Box

He died.
I stare at the urn and
cannot believe he
fits inside.

My grandfather.
I did not get the chance
to say goodbye.

I wonder if
my memories of him will
one day dwindle until they
fit inside a box so small.

I remember sitting on his lap
as he played the organ
begging him to let me play.
The sound of his voice on the phone
when he would call me "Petunia"
the brightness of his eyes
when I made honor roll and
the pepperminty smell of his clothes.

My grandfather.
I did not believe he would die.
Instead I sat at home
watching television
talking on the phone.

There is no way to fill the void
I feel without him here.
I see nothing, care nothing
can do nothing but try and
comfort myself with food.

4/9/03

Happy March!

2009-03-01T05:21:00.003-05:00

In like a

and out like a

I for one, can't wait until the warmer weather gets here! I'm not looking forward to the rain, but am especially anticipating the bright colors, the longer days, and the bearable temperatures that spring brings. March is, of course, my favorite month, since it contains my birthday (even though I don't like birthdays). :) I feel like this year is flying by so quick already!

Saturday Savings!

2009-02-28T08:06:00.004-05:00

This week I went to CVS, Walmart and Kroger. Been a while since I've been to Walmart, but I was quite a bit under budget for the month, and I figured now was a good time to get some cleaning supplies we'd be needing soon.

At CVS, I got the following:
for .23! I saved $25.53!! I was looking for other things to buy at CVS, but they were out. I can't complain though.

Here is what I did:

2 Trail Mix Crunch on sale BOGO - $4.79
1 Gillette Razor - $7.99
1 6 Hour Energy Shot - $4.99
1 Valentine's Lollipops (Filler) - $.25
Total = $18.02

- $2.00 off Trail Mix Crunch coupon
- $2.00 off Trail Mix Crunch coupon
- $4.00 off Gillette Razor coupon
- $10 ECB
Final Total = $.23 And, I received $8.99 in ECBs back. I have just under $20 ECBs left to start the month of March, not bad!

At Walmart I got the following:

for $9.47. I saved $2.50! Ok, I know that wasn't huge savings, but, I did realize that the water I typically buy at Kroger is $.50 cheaper at Walmart. It seems there are some things that are definitely cheaper at Walmart in comparison to Kroger...such as water and flour (I price shopped flour today). I will have to keep this in mind in the coming weeks as I do my shopping. $.50 adds up over a period of time.

At Kroger I got the following:

for $41.57. I saved $42.27!!! More then I spent! I used this week to stock up on cereal (5 boxes total between my CVS and Kroger purchases) and meat, since the deals were good at Kroger. We aren't in need of a lot of stuff right now because we most likely will be traveling again this coming week, although I'm keeping an eye out for mashed potato and rice sales, which I hope will happen soon! The nice thing about this trip, is I have a mail in rebate of $2.99 from the cereal, and I got $3.00 off my next shopping order for the purchase of the rolls (and I got three of the rolls for free, in essence making $.70 on the roll purchase).

Overall for the month of February, I spent $184.72, which is $15 under my $200 budget. That means I'll have $15 extra for next month if it is needed. I saved a grand total of $256.59! That doesn't include several rebates I have coming back to me this month ($15.49 worth).

I think on a whole, I had a great month of shopping. I'm still getting the hang of some things, and in the future, would like to try and use my ECBs at CVS to cover even more of my shopping needs...such as all shampoo, conditioner, deodorant purchases...although sometimes the deals are so good at Kroger they are hard to pass up (but again, if something is free at CVS, why even spend $.08 on it at Kroger?).

Next month, I hope to again stick to my $200 budget for groceries and household supplies. I also hope to keep better track of other spending in our house by using a budget spreadsheet. I tried this month and got a bit confused when I didn't update it for a week or so. Oops. I'll do better next month!

Happy Shopping everyone!

Traveling

2009-02-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

Well, B and I are headed up to the farm for a total of about 2 days I think. Driving the 7 hours there tonight (Tuesday) and coming back Thursday evening. So, I'll be officially off of the internet for 48 hours or so. I still find it interesting how integral it seems the internet has become in life. Cell phones as well. I'm pretty used to not having cell phones since we don't have service at our house, but at least at the house we have a land line. We have nothing up at the farm. I used to love to go up there for my 2 month summer break and get away from it all. It is really quite freeing (although, I'd always come back to a gazillion emails and it would take a week or so to get through them all...). At the same time though, I often wonder when I became so attached to the internet...having to check my email, needing to see what people were up to. It was so much easier when I was little and there was no internet. Nowadays we expect quick answers because there are ways to get them, when sometimes, I just want to take things slow...

I'm not really looking forward to this trip. It is likely the last trip we will make before the farm sells (or, we are hoping it is...). The trips are rough on us...14-16 hours of driving in a short amount of time, sleeping in the truck, the cold weather we will be facing, and having to get through a ginormous amount of stuff in the short time we have. It will be non-stop work the entire time we are there. It is also difficult for me because of all the memories that seem to overtake me whenever I am up there.

The farm issue has been weighing on my mind heavily the last few weeks, and I'll talk more about it when I get back from the trip. For now, we are hoping for a safe journey and no rain. I'd love to hope for warm weather, but I don't want to overdo it. Have a good few days and I'll be back blogging by Saturday I hope!

Poetry

2009-02-24T06:59:00.000-05:00

Into the Labyrinth

The sun was shining, but
not bright enough,
my world had become dark.
Obsessions took over,
raced through my mind
with every second.
Voices played like a
tape stuck on repeat,
telling me I wasn't small
enough, I wasn't thin
enough, I didn't look good
enough.
Caught inside my mind,
helpless, with no other options
I went to the bathroom,
embraced the porcelain before me,
put my fingers in my mouth,
and reached until they scratched
the back of my throat.
The world turned silent as I
watched the nutrients leave my
body and splash into the abyss below.

4/2/03

Memory Monday

2009-02-23T06:51:00.001-05:00

This is my grandfather. He had a huge impact on my life. My sister and I called him Pop-Pop. My favorite memories of my Pop-Pop were playing his organ, and receiving piano lessons from him. His pepperminty smell (he used peppermints to help him quit smoking), and the fact when we would visit on our birthdays that he would always greet us by playing Happy Birthday on the organ. I loved looking through his photo albums, and the fact that he kept such amazing albums of my sister and I. He called me "Petunia."

My grandfather was a scientist, and extremely smart.
He invented the propellant that is used in rockets, believe it or not, although he worked for a company at the time he did, so they are credited with the invention, while he is mentioned, but didn't quite reap the benefits they did...

My grandfather helped instill a love of discovery and knowledge in me. We had very few years together for this though, as he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when I was about 6. After his diagnosis, he became very introverted (although he always was a bit quiet). Regardless though, I loved him deeply. I was always very connected to him...and as I got older, I continued to feel that connection. I always knew he was proud of me, and what I accomplished in life. He was the first to clip articles out of the newspaper when I was mentioned and that was one thing he continued, even as he fell deeper into the illness. It became obvious when it started to take hold of him, and was very hard for us. To see his brilliant mind become so confused...

My grandfather got sick one day and had to go to the hospital. He ended up having to stay a few days, but I didn't believe it was very serious, so I never went to visit him. One night we got a phone call and they told us he had very few hours left to live...there was a mistake on the hospital's part that resulted in his death, but I won't go into it in this post. I couldn't believe it. When we arrived at the hospital, he was in a coma. I went in to see him, so unsure of what to do. I held his hand, told him it was me, and how much I loved him. I firmly believe he squeezed my hand. He was a wonderful man.

When we were packing up our house when my mom moved, we came across some of the letters that my grandfather had written to my grandmother while he was deployed during WW1. I have those letters now and feel very lucky to have them. This is just one of probably close to 100 or so.

One day, I hope to use them in a book-type setting. To read them is just amazing to me. Unfortunately, I don't have any of my grandmother's letters back. I believe my mom told me that my grandmother might have thrown them away at some point. I'm not sure. But this piece of my family's past is something that I treasure having.

This post was a part of Memories on Monday at JAM's Own Reality. To see more posts, go visit her!

Saturday Savings!

2009-02-21T06:10:00.002-05:00

This week I went to both CVS and Kroger.

At CVS, I got the following:

for $1.02! I saved $61.67!!! And I actually MADE MONEY by shopping at CVS this week! Yay for rebates! I also had to do 2 transactions so I could have two receipts to get the rebates. I also had to think on my feet a little after I realized that I had the price of the mouth wash wrong (I was off by $4!). Just so I can show you all how I get everything for so cheap, I'll go through my transactions (I never do that!) Here is what I did:

Transaction #1
windex wipes $2.50
colgate total $2.99
colgate total $2.99
gillette fusion razor $7.99 = $16.47

$16.47
-$.40 windex coupon
-$1.00 colgate coupon
-$1.00 colgate coupon
-$4.00 gillette razor coupon
-$10.00 ECB

= $.51 I also earned $5.98, and 4.00 in ECB and I can send in for a mail in rebate for the windex wipes, which will get me $2.50 back, which means I actually made $1.97 from my first transaction! (I earned back almost as many ECBs as I spent -$.02 less then I started with).

Transaction #2
Hershey's kisses $1.49
Hershey's kisses $1.49
Hershey's kisses $1.49
Hershey's kisses $1.49
Neutrogena facial soap $2.99
Neutrogena facial soap $2.99
Natural Dentist mouthwash $9.99
Natural Dentist mouthwash $9.99
Buckeye candy $.50
Buckeye candy $.50
Buckeye candy $.50 = $33.42

$33.42
-$2.00 Natural Dentist coupon
-$2.00 Natural Dentist coupon
-$2.00 off 2 Hershey's kisses coupon
-$2.00 off 2 Hershey's kisses coupon
-$12.00 ECB, $5.98 ECB and $4.00 ECB (the last two were from the first transaction).

=$.51 I earned back $18 in ECB and I can send in for a $10 mail in rebate on the mouthwash, which means I made $5.51 on this transaction (seeing as how I came out with less ECBs then I started with).

All in all, it was a really good shopping day at CVS!

At Kroger I got the following (minus a 6-pack of Aquafina I forgot to put in the picture...):

for $38.58. I saved $18.88! This is probably the least I have saved in quite some time...in part because deals at Kroger were next to none this week. Additionally, since B and I are going out of town for a few days this week, I didn't need to buy a lot of the essentials, so I decided to start stocking up on some meat again because we are running low. If you tallied in the savings I had on the meat (All were Manager's Specials, which don't come up as savings on the receipt) I probably saved another $5-$10.

I actually heard someone talking the other day in the bank about how they thought Kroger was too expensive. There was a point when I thought that maybe shopping at Walmart would save me money. But then I started shopping deals and using coupons, and I truly believe that Kroger isn't more expensive. Maybe if you didn't shop the deals. Also, Kroger keeps sending me coupons in the mail, and this month alone, I got coupons for a free liter of Pepsi and a 6-pack of Gatorade! Walmart surely doesn't do that (or give you money off on gas). I'm happy with Kroger and am glad I stuck with shopping there!

In all this week, I spent $47.19 on groceries/household supplies. There are a few things I bought this week that aren't in the pictures. :)

I'm crossing my fingers for some Pepsi deals next week because we are running low!

Happy shopping!

FREE Dr. Pepper!

2009-02-20T23:06:00.002-05:00

Do you like Dr. Pepper? I do. Right now, they are doing a promotion, where you can get a coupon sent to you for a free 2-liter. All you have to do is click here and they will send it to you in a few weeks. About a month ago they gave out coupons for a free 20-ounce and I used mine today. Anything free is great!

Poetry

2009-02-19T06:54:00.001-05:00

Weighing the Numbers

She looks at her reflection,
scared of what she will see.
Sad blue eyes look back,
worn down from months of malnourishment.
Her skin is dry, pale,
cheekbones more prominent.
Pimples peek out at the
corners of her chapped, frowning mouth,
from the friction of fingers on skin.
Her gaze lowers to scrutinize
every inch of naked body.
She sees cellulite, fat jiggly arms and
legs too close together
when she stands with her feet side by side.
Stepping onto the scale
she tenses every muscle
in hopes it will make her lighter.
She closes her eyes,
fearful of what the numbers will be.
She opens them to see 104 and
her heart drops--
two pounds heavier than the afternoon.
Stepping off the scale, she slowly puts
her clothes on, and hangs her head
in shame.
There will be no piece of chocolate,
only a few small bites of dinner,
as she believes the scale does not lie.

3/19/03

I hung up on a telemarketer yesterday.

2009-02-18T07:36:00.007-05:00

ETA: I just reread this post. I started it a few days ago and kept working on it as the thoughts came and I realize it isn't everything I meant to say and a bit jumbled. I'm leaving it up though. In the end, it hits on the thoughts I was having, and that's what matters. Just don't mind the rambling... :)

That might not seem like such a bad thing, right? Telemarketers are annoying, half the time I can't understand what they are saying, and they always call at the worst times. Not to mention, I tell them I'm not interested, and they still keep trying to sell. But, the fact I hung up and was rude really made me think.

Why? A couple reasons, and all go back to about 9 years ago, during summer after my freshman year of college (omg, 9 years ago...), when I became a telemarketer. It was a stupid idea. I am not cut out to be a telemarketer. I get upset when someone yells at me, or is rude, and am just not pushy. But the hours and pay were good. I told myself it was only for a few months and I could make it. And I did, although there were a few times my feelings got hurt (they weren't really yelling at me, just at the fact that telemarketers, are, well, an annoyance but I still took it to heart), and many times I couldn't wait until I no longer had to go to that small room and dial numbers from lists. I left that job with an appreciation for what telemarketers go through, and told myself that I would never be rude to them. Would politely interrupt them, and ask them to "please put me on your do-not call list," and tell them to have a nice day. After all, I understand that they need to make money, just like everyone else. Over the years, I've stuck to not being rude to them, even when it has been hard. But yesterday, I hung up the phone without a word and couldn't help the fact I was seething inside. Maybe it was the fact that I was cleaning and the phone was upstairs, so I had to run to find it. Maybe it was the fact that I'd had a long morning with the animals and wasn't in the mood to have to deal with another person badgering me. But as I thought about it more, I realized that it is probably because I'm not in the place I need to be in my life right now.

I've written a few times on here about how confused I am about what I am supposed to be doing with my life. That confusion has, at times, driven me a bit batty. My brain tells me that I need to apply for jobs because our economy sucks right now and it would definitely not hurt to have another paycheck coming in. That means I have applied for several jobs that it is possible I could get, but that I don't really feel my heart would be into. Just this past week, I was invited for an interview for a job I applied to back in October. I never actually thought I would get an interview for this job...I was qualified, sure, but the job description was very specific in saying that the person for the job would have knowledge of law schools and the law field, which I do not have. So, I was surprised back in December when I was asked for a phone interview (which I thought I did miserably at...since I don't know anything about law schools and it was blatantly apparent), and I was even more surprised when I learned I was a top candidate and they wanted me to be one of the few (typically 3-4) people they interviewed with face-to-face. When I got the call that they wanted to interview me, my stomach dropped...and not in a good way. Why? A few reasons.

The first being that in the months since I'd originally applied, I've come to see more and more that an 8-5 job, 5 days a week, 12 months a year was going to be extremely hard for me. I've been lucky in the past to have flexible jobs that weren't specifically 8-5 and where I only worked 10 months out of the year. I enjoy my time off, and I enjoy flexibility. But mostly, I enjoy being able to spend time with B, and on the farm. B works 7-3 every day but Thurday and Friday, and taking an 8-5 job would mean I'd never be off on the same days as him, and rarely see him. It is important to me to be able to spend time with him, and have days where we can take the whole day to explore or work on projects. It would mean I'd come home and be tired and not get anything done around the house, or be in the mood to spend time with the animals. The second was that, well, I truly felt I'd make an idiot out of myself trying to interview. I'm not one to make an idiot out of myself. Ha. Well, maybe I should rephrase that. I don't want to go in to a situation where I know I would make an idiot out of myself. I do it all the time not meaning to... :) And finally, I don't think I truly felt passionate about the job. It wasn't something I really wanted to do. Not something that I'd look forward to waking up for in the morning. Not something that I'd mind working extra on the weekends or evenings for. Still though, I faked being excited and said,
"Ok, I'll come in and interview."

For a week I couldn't stop thinking about this interview. Couldn't stop asking myself why I was putting myself through something and what I would do if I actually got offered the job. I knew I would take it, if only because I'm bad at saying no...and because a paycheck is a nice thing, especially in this lovely economy we are in. I thought about the positives and the negatives. But in my heart, I knew it was wrong. When the telemarketer called and I hung up on him...I thought no only about my attitude with life right now, but also about the fact that when I was a telemarketer I hated it. But, I was able to stick it out and get through. Couldn't I do the same with this job? Not really wanting to be there...but being able to stick it through? The job was only a 2 year contract and I could bare it. I think. And who knows, I might end up liking it.

I was really stressed about the interview. To the point that when I got an email telling me I'd have to do a 15 minute presentation as a part of the interview, I started to cry. Weird reaction, I know. But, what? A presentation? On a topic I've had to research to hopefully be able to not sound totally oblivious about? There was no way I'd be able to do that. Maybe in a past life. When I had a bit more confidence in myself and what I wanted to do. But it was a little too much for me. I'm already pretty shy when it comes to presentations, but on a topic I don't have a background it...it would have been pretty mortifying. I talked to B about it a lot. He told me to pull my name from consideration. But, how could I do that? They would be so disappointed. I'd let them down. And wouldn't that be just plain stupid? But wouldn't taking myself out of consideration give someone else a chance? Someone who would probably really enjoy the job and maybe really need it?

After a weekend of stressing about the presentation, and talking to B about what the right thing to do, I pulled my name. I know it was the right thing to do. But it was still difficult. And I still have this desire to figure out what my purpose is. As B says, a job is not what defines me. It isn't really what gives me purpose either. But it is hard to change one's thinking when it seems that society many times looks down on those that don't have a good job, or are staying at home (I've experienced this many times already). I do have a desire to contribute to our little family as well. Cleaning and doing chores around the farm doesn't make me feel like I am contributing as I'm supposed to be. Be home with the animals does make me happy. As does the ability to spend time with B. But, there are days that I want to DO something. But what? I don't know. I've given it a bit of thought. Maybe, when I start subbing more (I haven't been called in anymore, so I've been putting in applications to sub in more places) I'll feel better. I'm not sure. But, one thing I really want to give a try is writing again. I want to sit down and write the things I want to write. To not be scared to share them. So, I'm going to try and make myself. I finally have the time and I should use it. I've been so scared to write because when I do, it is always very personal...and there is a part of me that runs from that.

So...one thing I've decided is that I'll share some of my old poetry on here. I haven't really shared my poetry other then with people in classes in college and a few very close friends. But, it is time to put some of my work out there. Maybe, when I get gutsy (and when I can find them) I'll put a few of my short stories out. And, eventually, I'll get some new stuff done. I think I need to do it for myself.

Wow, that was a long post. Sorry if it didn't make complete sense...my thoughts are kinda all over the place! Who would have thought hanging up on a telemarketer would bring me to think about all this?

And we drove away...

2009-02-17T06:42:00.000-05:00

Well...we decided to sell the truck. If you missed my post about this a week or so ago, here it is. It was the right thing to do. My dad would have been happy I did it.

But as I mentioned in my previous post, it was very difficult for me to get rid of the truck. My dad sat in that truck. He drove it around. There was this part of me that liked that at one point in time, he had been in the same exact place that I was sitting. Does that sound weird?

In the four years since he passed away, we have gotten rid of so many of the things that my dad was a part of. We sold the house we grew up in (and where he passed), we are selling the farm, the equipment that went with the farm...all these places where he once walked, sat, and just was.

I know it is good to move on. But I also appreciate and cherish memories. Sometimes, material items help those memories along. When memories start to fade, one day, I may pick up the last Valentine's present he gave to me and spark a memory that could have been long forgotten about where we were when he gave it to me, and how proud I was that he was visiting me in my first ever apartment... (it isn't yet, but it could one day).

I'm scared to lose any of the memories because they are all I have left.

Here I am, with the truck, the day we sold it.

I guess pictures help keep memories too.

Memory Monday

2009-02-16T06:29:00.006-05:00

I enjoyed participating in Memory Monday so much last week that I decided to do it again this week. Maybe I'll keep doing it... :)

Last week I talked about my skating, which was a huge part of my life, and really, the only sport I ever participated in. After I quit skating, I felt I needed to come up with something to do with myself...I'd been active all my life, training for upwards of 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and I'm extremely competitive...so I needed something.

One day, while sitting in my dorm room freshman year, my boyfriend at the time, D and I were watching the news, and a piece came on about the Marine Corps Marathon. "How cool would it be to run a marathon?" I asked. "We should do it!" I was joking, but somehow my joke turned in to reality, and before I knew it, we were training for a marathon.

Here we are (I'm second from the left) finishing our very first one (we wanted to do the Marine Corps, but didn't get in...very high demand to run that one...so we ran in the first ever Baltimore Marathon instead). We really wanted to come in under 5 hours. You can see we came in just over. About a month before the marathon day, D pulled his groin and we couldn't train for two weeks. While running the marathon, he felt it pulling again, and at about mile 6, his knee started to hurt really bad. We were in the end, just happy to finish. It really is an exhilarating feeling knowing that you've pushed your body to do something so incredibly ridiculous. It is hard to explain. But amazing.

A year later, we did our second marathon, in Richmond. This picture shows me at about the 24-25 mile mark. My best memory from the marathon happened as this picture was taken. D's dad came out of the crowd and started running with us. He could tell that we were hurting and was so encouraging. I don't know if I ever told him how much I appreciated his enthusiasm and encouragement. It really helped. The Richmond Marathon is touted as "The Nation's Friendliest Marathon." Eh. Twice during the run there were protesters holding billboards of aborted children (yeah, they were against abortion and thought that was what we wanted to see while running 26 miles...), and they ran out of all food at the stops...so D and I never got any. We weren't happy about that. Food is very much needed to keep your body going during a marathon... And, they told everyone they would have masseuses available after the marathon to help cool down your muscles, etc. Well, they did for all the people that finished quickly. Not us people that finished later on...

This is D and I after we finished. We came in just under 5 hours. I look like absolute death. I had gotten a cold the day before we ran, and had not gotten much sleep the night before. Additionally, I hadn't eaten anything at all the entire day because I felt so awful in the morning and figured I would get snacks at the refreshment areas. Yeah. Not good. But we finished and we were happy with it.

I still hope to do one more. I want to run one with appropriate training and when I am healthy. I think I could finish in about 4-4.5 hours and would love to attain that goal. After that, I'd probably stop. :)

Thanks for remembering with me! For more memories, visit Jam's Own Reality.

Coupons!

2009-02-15T06:29:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed a new addition to my right sidebar over the last few days...the coupons.com widget. I print a lot of my coupons from coupons.com and can honestly say that using their coupons have saved me a lot of money over the time that I have been trying to cut my grocery shopping budget. The nice thing about coupons.com is that they offer coupons for great brands, and many high-dollar coupons. I hope to point out when some really good ones are available.

I encourage you to scroll through my sidebar and print off what you like. It will save you money (and earn me a few pennies)!

Saturday Savings!

2009-02-14T06:17:00.000-05:00

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

I had another good week shopping at Kroger! I bought the following items:

for $49.06. I saved $39.06! I was actually surprised I saved so much...although they were have another decent sale where they gave money back for so many specific items purchased, many of those items were things I didn't have coupons for. I took advantage of the fact that Gatorade was a part of the sale and was able to stock up over the last two weeks. Gatorade for $.69 is good! I've also been stocking up on the soap (Johnson's Buddies) as I have tons of coupons that allow me to get them for free...and every time I buy them, I just keep getting more! (We might be overstocked on soap!

This was the second week that I came in below my $50 per week budget. I am doing good so far for the month. One thing I wish I could get rid of is tax! It eats up about $2.00 or more for each of my trips and that's at least another item I could buy instead!

Happy Shopping!

Running Running Running

2009-02-12T07:42:00.001-05:00

Well, about a month ago, B finally got his wish, and we went and got a treadmill. Here it is:

I was really hesitant to get a treadmill. I didn't want one. I feel they are harder to use. Plus, my ankle is still sore from falling off the horse last August (I fear it is forever damaged). We originally got an elliptical, but B really, really, really wanted a treadmill. So, we finally got it. I've been using it some and surprisingly my ankle doesn't bother me while running...only afterwards when I move it around, which is when it typically hurts.

I've actually been pretty proud of my work on the treadmill so far. I've always been one to push myself even when I'm struggling while exercising, so I've been able to start at and stick with about 30 minutes 3 times a week. I'd like to get it up to at least 5 times a week, but circumstances make it hard. There is a part of me that would really like to do another marathon. To try and finish one when I am healthy for once (the first time my running partner was hurt so we didn't train as best we could have and the second time I got a cold the day before we ran). To give me something to work towards as I right now I am struggling to find meaning in my life...I just need something to occupy my time besides chores and cleaning...to feel a sense of accomplishment...

So, I guess I'll have to keep at it. I've started several times to try and get back into it and I've succeeded for about 2 months...always getting back up to about 6 miles or so and then sputtering out when life gets busy. I'll have to let you know how I'm doing.

The Odd Couple

2009-02-11T07:29:00.000-05:00

How absolutely amazing is this?

Watch CBS Videos Online

I saw this video and it made my day, so I thought I would share with you. :)

I'm Mean

2009-02-10T07:05:00.001-05:00

I got my first call to substitute on Friday. Interestingly enough, it was to sub for a gym teacher...which I thought would be interesting, especially for my first time. I was quite nervous to go, not really having any idea what I was doing, but figured I would be able to make it. :)

I got to the school and am told where to go and that my syllabus is waiting for me there. I got there, looked over the days schedule, and see things I don't understand. What is Lunch Duty? Where do I go for recess? There is nothing to tell me if kids are brought to the gym, or if I'm to get them, etc. Luckily, I had plenty of time to go and find a teacher and ask her all necessary questions.

My instructions for the day were to play Extreme Pinball. Easy enough. I had classes with 5th, 6th, 2nd and 3rd graders. The first period went well...although I learned very quickly that attempting to talk over 20-30 students is not easy...especially when they are in a gym and in to a game and yelling and screaming. I wished I had a whistle. I also learned that Extreme Pinball games could sometimes end very quickly...resulting in 8 games in a period. Ugh. My throat and legs started hurting by about the 4th period. I had a kid punch another kid in the second period...didn't see it happen, just saw the crying student. And...I had no idea what to do! No one left me any instructions as to what to do if someone punched someone else! My immediate thought was that they had to go to the principal's office...but...would they go if I sent them? And I couldn't leave the gym. So, I tried to ease everything over and we resumed play.

It was 7th period when things started to get rough. 7th and 8th period were when I had the 3rd graders. Extreme Pinball requires the use of dodgeball type balls and bean bags...none of which are supposed to be thrown at people, only at pins or slid on the floor. As I was attempting to talk in between games, a student started screaming and throwing balls at the student's head that I was talking to. I said "stop." He didn't listen. I said, "Enough!" He didn't listen. Finally, I said "LISTEN! Either you stop screaming and listen to me while I am talking and stop throwing balls at people's heads, or we will stop playing and sit for the rest of the period!" That stopped him. The rest of the period went pretty well, with the exception of the same student laying on the floor in the middle of a game and not getting up until I went and told him to get up. And then, as they were cleaning up, they got stupid. Started throwing bean bags at each other's faces. I had asked them several times to clean up...stop throwing balls, get things back the way they were and they hadn't listened. When I saw them doing this I was like "Er, what?" I slapped my leg with the papers I was carrying and said "STOP! Line up now! You need to start listening" They did. (Thing is, I know they probably wouldn't have acted like that with their real teacher, but such is the joy of being a sub). They left to go to their next class and my last class passed them in the hallway. I heard one of the students say to my next class "The substitute is mean!" I had to laugh.

I told my last class that regardless of what the previous class had said, I wasn't mean, but that we couldn't throw bean bags at people's heads and we needed to listen. Things were going well, until two kids went at each other. I had to literally yank them apart. Again, I had no idea what to do. I separated them and told them they were done for the day. They really should have gotten in trouble...but I had no clue. I had to put them at opposite sides of the gym because the one kid looked as if he was going to lose it and go at the other one again if he was still in his line of sight. It was interesting. I made sure that the assistant teacher knew what happened and she passed a long the information to their teacher, so I guess I'm glad that something got done (hopefully...at least people were informed I guess).

And that was my first experience with subbing. Not awful. Just wish they would have given me a little more information so I knew what I was doing and how to address/handle situations. Oh, and a whistle. That would have been nice. :)

Memory Monday

2009-02-09T08:45:00.004-05:00

I'm trying something new today, and participating in Memory Monday from Jam's Own Reality. I've been kinda stuck with what I want to write about lately (well...not totally, I have lots of ideas, just not really feeling the passion to write them). I saw this on Kristen's blog and thought it seemed fun.

I used to be a figure skater and it was a big part of my life for 11 years. I quit almost 10 years ago (I still find that hard to believe). January, February and March are the big months for skating...when the big competitions are.

This is me, shortly after I began skating. I believe I was probably 7 or 8 here. Originally, I skated by myself and on a team. We had just finished a competition when my mom snapped this shot.

I trained hard for several years, and the work paid off. In 1993, when I was 12, I went to Mini-Nationals at the lowest level you can go, and placed third. I got nervous, and had I not, it is quite possible I could have won. I made a lot of mistakes in my free program. This is the medal podium from that competition.

My dream though, was to always skate pairs, and after placing third at Mini-Nationals, I started looking for a partner. I found one and the first year we were together, we placed second at Nationals at the Novice level. This is us competing our short program.

After three more years filled with injuries and illness and not performing up to expectation at Nationals (I got pnemonia before Nationals one year, then had an ankle sprain the next, and we both suffered from herniated discs in our backs...) we won at the Junior level. This is me and my partner (in the yellow) and our families after the Exhibition of Champions. I would have loved to have shown you pictures from the performance/podium, but those are still in a box somewhere.

Unfortunately, after this year, I started to suffer from a really bad eating disorder and the next year we ended our partnership. Regardless though, my skating is something that I am proud of, although it is at times, difficult to remember the dreams that now are not attained. Not many people can say they got to compete on the level that we did, and for that I am grateful.

Thanks for remembering with me! :)

Saturday Savings!

2009-02-07T10:04:00.004-05:00

This week was quite good in terms of shopping. Although, I also didn't need as much because we didn't eat a lot of food...B wasn't feeling that good earlier in the week, so I used the shopping trip as a way to stock up on a few items and get a few freebies.

My first stop this week was CVS. I got:

for $.64 cents! I saved $24.98! I got the milk for free! I love free milk! :) I used $15.98 in ECB and earned back $15.49. Not a bad trip.

At Kroger I got:
for $36.56. I saved $41.70!! And bought 35 items! Although Kroger is no longer doing their mega-sale event, they were doing another sale event that allowed you to get $3.00 off if you bought 10 of an item. I probably could have bought another 10 gatorades, but chose not to. I got the Cottonelle, the Buddies soap and the Kleenex for free. The soap was $.18.

So far, I have spent $37.20 this month. That is well under my $50 a week budget. It gives me some wiggle room in the coming weeks as well.

Happy shopping!

Attachments

2009-02-04T09:09:00.004-05:00

B called me yesterday to tell me that someone was interested in buying one of our vehicles. Our little truck to be exact. We weren't exactly looking to sell it. But, if we could sell it, wouldn't it be a good idea? Normally, if someone were to tell me they were interested in buying my vehicle, I'd jump at the chance. I'm lucky that since my dad once worked for GM, that we get the discount there when we buy a new car/truck, whatever. It actually means, that many times if we sell our vehicles, that we make money... My dad was a stickler for not keeping a car too long because eventually they become money traps. I've always stuck by that.

But the truck the person is interested in...I'm attached to. Silly to be attached to this metal thing? Probably. But, the reason I'm so attached to it is that it was my dad's last vehicle. We've kept the truck the last four a half years despite the fact it was never really needed. My mom had it for over 3.5 of those years, and it mostly just sat in her garage, unless I was there and used it. She gave it to me and B for a very cheap price and we've used it quite a bit. We already had 2 vehicles...a big truck (much needed for farm life and hauling) and a trailblazer (my vehicle which I love) and both were kinda gas guzzlers. We felt the little truck was a great addition in a time when gas prices were high and we could use it around the farm with no problem. Not to mention, I'd always loved the truck, and it had special meaning since it had been my dad's...

So this person will buy it. In my brain, I know that getting rid of it now is the smartest thing to do. We'd lower our insurance costs. Do we really need 3 vehicles for 2 people? We could use the money we'd make to pay off 2 of our current loans, to free up more money in our budget each month. Granted, if gas prices went back up, we'd be without a little vehicle to tool around in, and paying more in gas. But, I have a feeling the money saved, would probably balance it out in the end. I know my dad would probably knock me upside the head if I passed the opportunity to sell it now...before it got any older and the value went down even more.

But, that emotional attachment to it...makes it so hard for me. I wish I could be like so many people I know who don't get attached to things. I'm a packrat because of it and it hurts me when I do end of getting rid of them.

I'll let you know what the final decision is...

Happy Birthday Sis

2009-02-03T10:41:00.000-05:00

Today is my sister's 29th birthday. I can't say that she is really looking forward to it...knowing that this is her last year before 30. But all in the same, I know she will celebrate and have a good time.

My sister and I were very close growing up. Only 2 years apart, my mom often dressed us a like and for a long time, we pretended we were twins (although, we sure didn't look it...she towered over me). We went through a lot together...especially in the years where my mom's manic depression was at its worst. She tried to protect me from the horrors that would occur when my mom would have an episode, and this meant that she often took the brunt of my mom's psychological breaks. Through everything, we loved each other and supported each other. Although, not to say we always got along. She would often do things and blame them on me...so I would get in trouble. We had some pretty knock down, drag out fights at times too...we'd punch and one time I bit her bad enough she had a bruise for weeks. Sometimes, emotions get the best of you I guess.

During my sister's college years, she made many choices I didn't agree with, but I still loved her. She suffered through some bad relationships, and had a bad falling out with our dad. Bad enough that they barely talked for several years. Our dad didn't agree with what she was doing in her life...she thought he was being unfair. It was rough. I worked hard the summer I graduated from college to bring them back together. I felt the mistakes weren't worth the estrangement. And finally, they came back together. She grew up and realized her own mistakes, and got on a good and smart path for herself. No longer being so destructive.

Unfortunately, only a year later, my dad got sick. My sister didn't know how to handle it and went on her own way doing her own thing. I was frustrated with her...in part because it was difficult being the caretaker for my dad, but also because I felt she was throwing away the time she had left with him...to each her own... When he passed away, we leaned on each other and continued to do so when my mom fell apart.

We each made choices that neither of us agreed with after my dad passed away and we were grieving. However, my sister did things that hurt me to the core, and I am not one to forgive easily. I need to work on that. B tells me I need to work on it...what good does holding a grudge do? I look at it more as protecting myself...if you hurt me once, why would I put myself in that situation again? Anyway, I was seriously hurt. I didn't talk to her for over 2 years, unless it was to have a screaming match. Really, in the end, what I needed was an apology, and she was unwilling to give it to me. More though, she couldn't seem to figure out what she did that hurt me.

Eventually, she called me and talked to me. She had really thought after our last fight about what it was that might have hurt me. She was sorry. So, we've begun talking again. Although, our relationship is definitely not the same. It is rather scarred and though we are working on it, I wonder if we will ever be as close. I think it is more my fault then hers...but...I find it hard.

Anyway, today is her birthday. And regardless of what has happened in our lives, I am glad she has been there to help me out and support me through everything. She helped me when times weren't easy for me or in our lives, and that can't be forgotten.

Happy Birthday Sis!

The Animals Part 2

2009-02-02T04:19:00.001-05:00

How bout them Steelers?!? I for one am grateful and happy they won. I would have one very grumpy and upset hubby if they hadn't! But it was a great game and definitely kept us on the edge of our seats!

Crossing my fingers that the groundhog predicts that Spring is coming quick!
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This is Part 2 of my posts about our animals. The first was about the dogs, and can be found here.

Let it be known, that when B and I moved in to our new house last May, that we had 3 cats and did not plan on getting anymore. 3 cats in the house along with 1-3 dogs at a time was more then enough in our opinion. Little did we know, that we would be receiving 2 barn cats with our house purchase, and that they would have kittens. Now, we have many more then we ever would have thought...

This is Onyx. I wrote about him here. He was my very first pet that I got on my own. He is black with a little bit of white on his tummy and is four a half years old now. He is a lover...much more like a dog then a cat. He actually fetches mice and brings them back to you. He also LOVES to get up in the most bizarre places...some times he will actually jump to the tops of doors and balance on them. He'll then realize that he can't sit on them and jump back down...but what possesses him to jump up there in the first place is beyond me! He can be stubborn and has a habit of batting things off tables, counters, etc. He is the reason I don't have many decorations on my tables...

This is Lucky. Lucky is two and half years old. She holds a very special place in my heart. The way Lucky became a part of my family is different then all the others. I had decided at that point, I did not need any more animals. I was done (at the time we had 5 cats and 4 dogs and enough was enough). One night I was up at the farm and we went out to eat. When we arrived at the restaurant, there was a kitten sitting in the parking lot. My friend mentioned that he had tried to catch one the last time he was there with no success. I, being the smarty pants that I am, bet him I would be able to go right over and pick the kitten up. So I did. And my gosh. What I found was a kitten whose eyes were almost completely crusted shut. Extremely dehydrated (so much so that her gums and tongue were white), very small, very hungry and flea infested. I was mortified. I couldn't leave her there. So, I took her home. I didn't expect her to make it through the night...everything was closed and I had no milk for her. I sprayed her with flea spray and put her in a crate for the night (the fleas were so bad that they were jumping off her to escape the flea spray...ugh). She made it through the night and the next day I got her some milk, and gave her a flea bath...I had to since the spray barely touched her. The water was filled with blood. Her belly was raw. The next day, I had to go down to see my mom, so Lucky made the trip with us. I took her to the vet then, they gave her a shot and told me to do what I'd been doing. Somehow, she made it. Lucky is a very smart kitty. But, she is one of the few I have that is not extremely social. She does like attention, but only in her time. If you pick her up, she will immediately start purring. She runs and hides when we have company, only really wanting attention from me and B (especially me). She is a bit cross-eyed, and I think she has the most beautiful face. She looks a lot like Onyx, with the bit of white on the chest. She is my special girl. :)

This is Myah. She is a year and a half. Again, I wasn't looking to get another animal. But, she came in to my life as someone abandoned her in a park on one of the hottest days of summer (it hit about 100 degrees). A friend called me and asked me if I could give her a home for a few days, and then that was it. I fell in love with her. Myah is our most standoffish cat. She loves to get attention when she can come in our bedroom, but otherwise she pretty much keeps to herself. It is weird to me she is like that because when she was found, she was very young. She was a very loving kitten. But, she changed. She is playful, and used to climb up furniture and curtains. Kind of a crazy kitty. :) She and Lucky are pals and she's not the biggest fans of the little kittens. Myah's quirk is that she will always stick her paws under the bathroom door when someone is in there. It is her way of saying hey! let me in! i want to be with you! I'm often greeted in the morning by a paw stretched under the door, and it makes me laugh.

This is Mama Cat. I have no idea how old she is. She is one of the two barn cats that came with our new house. When we got to the house, she had 2 kittens on her (Speck and Tears). Eventually, she also ended up mothering Wild Cat's kittens. She was a very good mom and stayed in the house for about 2 months raising the kittens. Now that she is back in the barn, she disappears for days at a time, but shows back up eventually. I often see her out in the field hunkered down, waiting to pounce on some unsuspecting meal. She is now spayed, so no more little kittens from her, which is for the best.

This is Wild Cat. She is the other cat that came with the new house. She had kittens also (Mouse, Maggie, Smoke and Hammie, who didn't make it), but we had to take them from her because we didn't want feral kittens...and that would have happened with her. She is not really people friendly...she does come around to eat food, and hangs out in the barn consistently. Almost always there when we are there. I think she is starting to get more used to us, but who knows? She is fixed now also. We don't want more kittens!

This is Speck. He is about 9 months old. He is my baby. All my life I've wanted a long haired cat...I had one, but she was attacked by a dog and passed away when little. When I first saw him, I fell in love. He was about a month old when we found him and his sister in the barn. They weren't too fond of us and hissed at us all the time. Speck was very sick as a little guy. He lost a lot of weight. Eventually though, he cleared up and as you can see, became a very healthy and big boy. He is also one of the friendliest kittens. I absolutely adore him. Unfortunately, B felt that some of the kittens had to go to the barn (we had a few too many in the house...8...when we originally only planned for 3) and he took Speck down one day when I wasn't home. As Speck was healthy (and many of the other kittens not) he felt it was a good choice. I honestly miss having this kitten around all the time. He has a wonderful personality and is just a baby. He seems to like being outside, but I can't say I like having him there...

This is Tears (she is kind of in the middle in this picture...the one with the white on her face). She is Speck's sister, and is about 9 months as well. Tears went down to the barn...and then came back up to recover from her spaying...and never went back down. Although she was originally standoffish...something changed in her. Now you can hardly ever get her off you. We are still discovering facets of her personality, but she sure does love to be wherever the people are. And, she absolutely loves Onyx, and Jem. She will often go over to Jem and just lie next to her belly, at which point Jem will start licking her. It is quite an adorable sight!

This is Mouse. He is about 8 months, although like his sisters (Smoke and Maggie) he doesn't look like it as he is so small. He has been sick for quite some time with the runs...which is part of the reason he was taken to the barn. We couldn't get rid of them...and when a kitty has a continuously running behind...it makes a mess in the house. We tried hard, and even the vet couldn't figure out what was wrong. For the most part, he seems to like being in the barn, but like Speck, I miss having him with me in the house. Of the kittens, he is the one who cares the least about getting attention, although he likes it when you give it to him. I love his markings. His one eye is black and I think it is the cutest thing.

This is Smoke. Also, about 8 months. Also, doesn't look it. Like her brother and sister, she has been sick for quite a bit of her life. We wonder if maybe it is because they were born in the barn to a barn cat. Who knows? Smoke is an absolute lovebug. If you sit down, she is on you. If you put her on the ground, she gets back up. She will not be dissuaded. If she wants up, she will find a way to be next you you. Smoke also loves to sit in the most bizarre places. I've found her on paper plates, on paper packaging, you name it. She will also lie on you in the most bizarre ways...I often think it must be so uncomfortable, but in the end, she seems happy that way, so who am I to guess how comfortable she is? :)

This is Maggie. I wrote about her here. She is also about 8 months. We have been trying for the last month to help Maggie get better with our own type of treatment (in the bathroom, better food, etc....if it worked we'd do it on the others), but have not succeeded well. She has gained some weight though. Maggie is a very loving kitten. She absolutely loves attention. She attacks feet with a reckless abandon, many times coming out of nowhere. She is another that loves to be in your face, and when she wants to be there is determined to be. There is no discouraging her. Something silly about Maggie is that she would just decide to take a nap in the middle of the floor. I could be cooking in the kitchen, look down and Maggie would be in the middle of the room, in the midst of everything, snoozing away.

This is Dakota. I think he is about 7-8 years old. Dakota is a monster and weighs over 20 pounds. Not because he is fat necessarily (although he is a bit overweight) but more because he is just a big cat. Dakota was originally my sister's cat. She had him for a few years, and felt that he wanted to be an outdoor cat. In fact, one time he wanted out so bad that he jumped out her 2nd story window... When she met her fiance about 4 years ago, he told her he didn't want cats, so she sent him up to the farm, where she felt he would be happy because he could be outside all he wanted. I guess he was happy, but about a year ago, when people stopped being at the farm regularly, we didn't know if he was still there. I loved the cat too, as he is very personable. He loves attention. He was our original sink sleeper. When B and I went up to get the horses in October, we knew if he was up there, we had to bring him back. We didn't want any animals up there anymore. I had little hope of finding him up there, as the person who stopped by on a frequent basis said he hadn't seen him in a while. But, wouldn't you know, that I stuck my head out the door when we got there, called "here kitty!" and out of the woods he ran. We tried to put him out when we got him here, but he kept going to the neighbors. So, he is inside right now, until the weather gets nicer, and he has a better sense of where his home is. I love having him here and am glad that we can provide him with his final home.

This is Fat Cat. I have no idea how old he is. Or if it really is a he. We are assuming by the way he looks that he is a he. He randomly showed up in the barn one day last fall and has become a regular visitor since then. We aren't sure how we feel about that yet...especially if it is a he. We don't want him trying to run Speck and Mouse off. Wild Cat and Fat Cat are really good friends, surprisingly...and when I come in the barn, I often see Wild Cat sleeping on top of him. He is not people friendly...runs when you get near, but apparently, he likes the food we leave in the barn...

We have one other cat who just started showing up whom we have named New Cat. No pictures of her. It is rare to see her. She seems to be about Speck and Tears age, but who knows at this point. We'd like her to stay away. We don't want kittens. No more!

And those are all the lovely cat furbabies that bless us with their presence. While many (most) were not planned, they all bring us joy, and I love them each for their differences and what they bring. While having so many cats can be overwhelming at times (more so then having quite a few dogs) they are worth the time and effort.

My final animal post will cover the horses and goats. :)

Happy February!

2009-02-01T10:07:00.000-05:00

"I'm a little groundhog, it's my day.
Wake and stretch, go out and play.
Down in my burrow, down so deep,
Time to wake, from my long winter's sleep.

Grumble, grumble, scratch, scratch,
Grunt, grunt, yawn.
I'll eat my breakfast in your front lawn.
I'm a little groundhog, it's my day.
Wake up and stretch, go out and play.'
- Author Unknown