Into the Darkness

I feel it happening again. Pulling me down and into the never-ending, deep abyss. I don't know how to fight it...don't know if I want to. Don't know if I will be able to claw my way out. It scares me, but it scares me even more that I almost don't care anymore if I stay there.

A Phone Call

"Are you getting P a Valentine's Day dress?"

"Um, why would I do that?"

"I don't know I just thought you might. I'm thinking of getting her a little something for Valentine's
Day, a little heart and maybe I'll get her a dress."

That was the start of the last conversation I was to have with my mom. I was a little annoyed and not really paying attention to what she was saying. We hadn't been getting along well the past few months because she had decided to go to a wedding in Jamaica, and I didn't agree with her decision to go. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that. I felt bad for my sister because I felt she would be a burden on her (my mom didn't know many people at this wedding and I know my sister was worried my mom was going to want to be with her the entire time and wasn't going to give her a chance to relax and enjoy her vacation with her husband). But really, I was somewhat jealous that my mom was travelling somewhere I would love to go, and I didn't get a chance to go to. And, my mom often annoyed me because we just rubbed each other the wrong way...it had been that way most of my adult life. Not to mention she would call me several times a week and I often didn't have much new to say...but since P was her only grandchild and she didn't get to see her that often, she would call daily to see if she was doing anything new. So, I was somewhat annoyed and not that excited to be talking to my mom this particular day.

 

 

I was in the process of cutting sweet potatoes and putting them in the crockpot for dinner when she called, and she realized that I was busy. So after a few more attempts at getting me to talk to her more in depth she told me she would let me go and would talk to me later. I can't for the life of me remember if I told her I loved her. We almost always ended our conversations with I love you, regardless of whether we were getting along or not. But I can't remember the end of this conversation. I can remember everything else we talked about...from her falling at my sister's exhibition, to P going a lot of places...but I can't remember the end of this short 3 minute conversation. It haunts me now, because I never would have thought this would have been our last conversation. The things I would have said if I would have known. I would have put down my knife and waited a few minutes to get the rest of dinner in the crockpot, to let her know what she had to say was important...and that despite being annoyed with her, that I loved her.

 

 

If only I had known it was the last time I'd hear her voice.

One year later

It has been almost a year since I updated this blog. Longer then that with a post about my life rather then a letter to my little one. It is amazing what a year can mean in a life. Since my dad got sick and passed, I have known that any month, year, day is not to be taken for granted, but I think, in the 7 years since he passed, that I somehow forgot that. And unfortunately, God decided it was time to remind me once again that there are bigger things in life then all the little things I was stressing over thinking were so important...when they weren't.

When I had my baby, I felt my entire world change. It was as if I had finally found my purpose in life, which I had been searching for for quite some time. I felt like I knew how to be a mom and it came so naturally and was so much what I had hoped for. Although I will not lie and say it was not also a struggle. The changes that came from have a baby were unexpected and I had no idea how to handle them. I lost my "freedom" to do what I wanted when I wanted. Her schedule was now my schedule. There was no midnight runs to the grocery store by myself, no heading out in extremely hot or cold weather...no more time to myself for a long time. And, there was NO sleep. I struggled. A lot. Especially after month 4 or 5 when her nursing habits changed and she started waking up every hour and a half. And it kept happening. For months. I believe I probably struggled with a bit of post partum depression. But that is another post. But, it is part of the reason I stopped posting here. I was feeling tired, sad, out of sorts, and didn't want to admit that I might not have been the best mom in the world. I didn't want to be judged, which seems to happen so frequently to moms by other moms. But I digress.

I've found myself in the past year, struggling with old fears and demons. Trying to lose the baby weight brought back many insecurities I thought I had banished 10 years ago or so. But again, that is another post.

Of course many things have happened on our farm as we continue to learn, grow and experiment with new things.

The biggest thing that happened in this year, was beyond life changing. I lost my mom. Just as I was beginning to feel that life was looking up, that I was moving past my grief from losing my dad, that I was appreciating my mom so much more because I understood what it meant to be a mom...God decided he needed her more then I did. It has thrown me into a whirlwind of emotions the last 8 months. Many times I have wanted to write about what I am feeling...but even that is too hard. Lately, I've felt that I need to get it out because it is not helping to keep it in. So here I am, writing again. It may be sporadic. It may not be fun to read, but it will be from the heart and an honest reflection of what I am feeling.

A Taste of Home...and a little giveaway.

When I was little, my mom didn't cook much. She always told my sister and I that she just hated to cook, and nothing would change that. I know a lot of people that don't like to cook, and you can't hold it against them! :) I must admit I'm glad I didn't inherit that, as I love cooking and baking and anything that has to do with food really, and one of my greatest joys is making things for my family. They don't always turn out well, but I don't expect anything ALWAYS works......right?

While I love to make new meals and try new things, there are a few meals that I always go back to that are quick and easy, and even more so, remind me of home. Because even though my mom didn't like to cook, she did have a few recipes that she did like to make and that even when I grew up and moved out, would make whenever I came home (because she knew I wanted them). The one recipe that always stood out to me was her mac and cheese. And because I love this mac and cheese so much, I thought I would share with you my tweeked version that makes it all the easier! Not to mention, it is unbelieveably easy!

Macaroni and Cheese, Mom Style

Serves 6-8

Ingredients:
1 pound elbow macaroni (or any type of non-stringy noodle)
1 pound extra sharp cheddar cheese
1/4-1/2 cup milk

Directions:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Spray an 8x8 deep cassarole dish. Cook macaroni. While the macaroni is cooking, slice the cheese. And when I say slice, just slice it like you would if you were serving it for cheese and crackers. Once the macaroni is cooked, place 1/2 the macaroni in the bottom of the cassarole dish. Cover that layer with cheese. Cover the cheese layer with the rest of the macaroni. And top it off with another layer of cheese. I normally make sure to cover every bit of macaroni...because I like cheese. So, if you want to do that, you may need a bit more cheese! :) Once everything is layered, pour milk into the pan. I always err on the side of more milk (1/2 cup) because I don't want the macaroni to dry out...and you can always pour out any remaining milk if needed after you remove the dish from the oven. Place the dish in the oven and cook for 30 minutes, or until the cheese and noodles on top are brown and a little crispy. Let cool for a few minutes, and enjoy!

If when you take it out, you still see some milk on the bottom of the dish, let it cool and then drain. It tastes just as good with a little runny milk on the bottom (and when refrigerating leftovers it tends to solidify), so this step isn't necessary, exactly.



This mac and cheese recipe has been a hit with pretty much everyone I have made it for. It is easily adaptable to larger servings (just use a pound of cheese to every pound of macaroni) and you can easily make your own additions if desired. Also, would you believe I didn't realize that mac and cheese isn't typically baked like this until I met my husband? :)

I wish I had some pictures for you all, but I haven't been able to make this dish in quite some time. Next time I make it, I will be sure to take pictures and add them to this post though!

Now, for the other fun part! I am submitting this recipe to the Tastes From Home with Frito-Lay Sweepstakes. You can enter as well, and I encourage you to if you have a good recipe that reminds you of home!

Frito-Lay has been kind enough to send me some chips to giveaway to my readers. They have new chips coming out that are inspired by regional flavors and include all the flavors you see here:

A little more about them:

• They are made with all-natural ingredients and cooked in healthier oils like corn and sunflower oils



• There is less sodium in a serving then in a bagel!

To be eligible to win the bag of chips, all you need to do is respond to this post with a recipe that reminds you of home. Maybe I'll even try your recipe and post about it on my blog? :)

This giveaway will end on Wednesday, August 31st, at 11:59pm.

Can't wait to see what you leave me with!

Starting Again

Hi Everyone,

Been a long time since I last posted. I've been through a lot. I wanted to post...to get my feelings out...but it was so hard. I was also struggling with where I wanted to go with the blog. I have some ideas and some things I would like to post about, so I anticipate that things will hopefully start picking up around here again. :) Hopefully too, there will be some changes for the positive, once I get the time, but until then, it will be good to at least be posting again. :)

Hopefully some of you are still around... :)

The perfect costume

I must admit, I was extremely excited for P's first Halloween. This is probably the only time I'll really get a say in her costume right? :) B and I had an idea for a costume LONG before Halloween came around, but when we started searching for it, came across another, that was absolutely perfect. We even took her out trick or treating with her cousin and she loved seeing all the people.

At any rate, here she is, my SKUNK! :)

In the yard before trick or treat

I just love this face! :)

Not sure what to make of everyone around her, but getting ready to head out!

We got rave reviews all around, and I can't begin to tell you how many people said it was their favorite costume of the evening. I thought she looked adorable, and kind of wish it would fit next year too! I love having a little one to dress up!

This post was written as part of the SITS Halloween Party. You should check it out!

Pumpkin Carving

When I was little, my favorite thing about Halloween, besides the candy, was carving pumpkins. Of course, I couldn't carve the pumpkin myself, but my dad always had my sister and I draw our faces on our pumpkins and he would carve them out. Every year, I wanted the same thing. A pumpkin with heart eyes and messed up teeth in his smile. He also had to have ears. I think my dad had an incredibly hard time with my heart eyes, but he never complained. :)

After I grew up and went to college, I stopped carving pumpkins, although I did paint a few. After B and I got married, we began carving pumpkins again. I was excited to make a pumpkin with a fun face, but when I got the carving kit, it came with tons of neat designs that we could carve on our pumpkins. So, we decided to try those out instead and loved the results. This is what our very first pumpkins looked like:

My only disappointment was that they went bad so quickly after so much work!

This year, we had P, and while we planned to carve a fun pumpkin for her, somehow one of the pumpkins we bought went bad. So, while we didn't carve one for her, she did get to play with a small one and watch her mommy and daddy carve theirs. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

B and I again carved some elaborate pumpkins (his moreso then mine with the werewolf), and I loved it. I'm not a crafty individual, persay, so to be able to make something like this is fun for me.
Next year though, P will definitely have a carved pumpkin!

I wrote this post as a part of the SITS Halloween Party...you should check it out!