Since I have been enjoying my little one for the past 7 weeks and not really updating (heck, I haven't updated in quite some time with the happenings in my life...oops. I really do feel sad about this. I would have loved to have a record of my thoughts on pregnancy while they were happening, etc.), I thought I'd try to document a lot of it now. I also think there can never be enough birth stories out there for women to have an idea of what to expect, what others experience, etc. I know I read a lot of them before I gave birth! I also think my feelings and emotions are important to acknowledge, especially as I find myself in awe of the little person who is currently sleeping beside me. So, I'm going to be completely honest, regardless of how I think it may make some people see me...
I actually want to start with before I even found out I was pregnant. For quite a large portion of my life, I always said I wanted to be a "young" mom. To me, that meant having a baby in my early 20s, but definitely not in my 30s. I think I wanted this because my mom was 31 when she had me and my dad was 35...and I thought they were sooo old compared to my friend's parents (really, they weren't, but who knows). Of course, I also had my whole life planned out, and since I was in a serious relationship by the time I was 17, and engaged at 21 (planned to be married at 23), I felt I was pretty on track to be a young mom. I figured by the time I was 25, I'd have my first, or at least be pregnant with my first. Of course, even the best of plans can fall by the wayside and my engagement ended and I wasn't married at 25, much less pregnant. Actually, at 25, I was enjoying my life and my freedom. Looking back now, I can't even imagine having a baby at 25...but I guess if I had been married I may have been feeling a bit different, who knows? Anyway, at 25 I was just meeting B and I was married at 26.
At the time we were married, kids weren't even really on my radar. Weird how that happens. But anyway, B had said beforehand that he wanted to wait a few years (if at all) and that was fine with me. I actually started to think we may not even have kids and that was pretty ok with me too. I really enjoyed having our time together, and I liked my time to myself. So, I was pretty surprised when 6 months after we were married B said "I think I want to try and have a baby." My response? "You mean, now? Within the next few months?"I was actually, not that excited about the prospect. I was caught off guard, but also feeling like I didn't want to give up the life I was living...I liked it. I think B realized I was caught off guard and told me that he didn't mean right away...but that he wasn't getting any younger and that one day he had realized he really wanted to be a dad. I thought about it a lot and really didn't know how I felt. A part of me was just ugh, no, and the other wanted to give B what he wanted...and that part won. A month later I decided to stop taking my birth control...not because we wanted to get pregnant immediately, but because we thought it was going to be hard for us to get pregnant (for a few reasons...one of which was because of the lingering effects of my eating disorder). I started eating more to gain some weight since I didn't think I'd be able to get pregnant without a bit more fat on my bones, and we took the attitude of it will happen when it was meant to happen...which was apparently pretty quickly since I got pregnant less then 2 months later!
My next post in this series, I'll talk more about my feelings about being pregnant and my pregnancy...
Last picture taken of me and B before I got pregnant...(2 weeks before!) :)
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