Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts

Saturday, May 1, 2010

7 weeks

My little girl is 7 weeks old today. Time has absolutely flown by. I have honestly enjoyed every moment...except maybe the one day that I couldn't get her to stop crying for more then about 15 minutes (of course when B came inside, she stopped for him). I have had moments of absolute joy...when I realize how amazing it is that I helped create this little person and watching her change, and times of sadness...when I see how quickly she is changing and realize that I'll never get the days back when she was this little tiny being so new to the world. She probably doesn't appreciate the camera I have stuck in her face many times a day, but my only regret so far has been that we didn't take enough pictures in the hospital and of her as an itty bitty thing. I don't want to miss any more changes.

I have spoken often on this blog about how I don't know what I am supposed to be doing with my life and how difficult it has been for me. These past weeks I have realized that I was meant to be something I never would have imagined. A mother.

Monday, January 11, 2010

5 years

As I was writing my last post, something struck me. It was this sentence in particular:

"I still struggle daily with many of the things that have happened to me over the last 5 years, and yet, I am still able to find joy and happiness in many parts of my life."

5 years. I have spent 5 years of my life grieving for my dad, for regretting things I did after he passed, for hating myself for the hurt I caused people I loved and holding grudges against people that hurt me.

5 years is a really long time to spend angry at oneself, angry at God, and angry at members of your family. And what I have come to realize in thinking about my life the last few weeks/months (been doing a lot of thinking since I found out I was pregnant), is that I've spent far too long in this rut. My anger and sadness have impacted my life in ways that I cannot possibly describe, and in ways that I never would have thought...and I let it continue to do so for far too long.

After my dad passed, I was a terrible mess. I was so terribly unhappy and haunted by what he had gone through and losing him that all I can remember doing during that time period is making trips to the farm on weekends and spending the week days in bed watching seasons of "Friends." I think I really just made my way through in a zombie-like state. I latched on to anything that brought me any form of "happiness," regardless of what it meant to those around me. There were some people that took advantage of this. And others who I hurt terribly in the process. I became a person I did not recognize, but could not find my way back to the person I once knew. Granted, that person would never be the same, but I could not even find some modicum of her in me, even though I wanted to.

Eventually, I worked my way through my grief...it was still there, of course, and I know it will always be there, but I was able to manage my life and function again with a halfway sense of normalcy. I did the best I could to right wrongs I had made...although I could not change them, and the people I hurt forgave me. Yet, I could not forgive myself, and I could not forgive the people that hurt me. I would think about things I did and cringe. I was ashamed and embarrassed.

There have been many times over the last few years as I struggled through a bad period of depression, and felt myself lack motivation and direction in life, that I wondered why? Why did I continue to feel so awful and why could I not pull myself out of the feeling that life just wasn't that enjoyable most of the time? I often let myself wallow in pity for myself, and I can't say it was fun. But even though I had a desire to change, I didn't really want to change. I have gotten better in the last year or so, but not to the point I should be at. And I have come to realize through my reflection, that unless I release my anger, shame and embarrassment, I will never fully get past those things that once happened. I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive the people that hurt me. I need to write a letter to my uncle and move past the hurt that is there. I need to move on and live in the present. The very wonderful present that God has blessed me with...my husband, the baby in my belly, our farm and our families. Yes, the past hurt. It will still hurt at times, but without those experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today. It is time to move on.

5 years is long enough to beat myself up for things that happened. 5 years is long enough to punish others for things they did to me. And starting today, I'm going to make the necessary steps to forgive myself and others. It won't be easy, but I'm going to stop living in the past and move forward.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Puberty, Take 2

"Ms. Wolf, what happened to your face? Around your mouth there?" ~ First grader
"One second Peige, let me finish talking to Larissa." ~Me (I always hope when I don't want to talk about something that putting them off for a minute will make them forget about it...luckily in this case it worked).

I can remember back when I was 12 and I began to "change into a woman." The embarrassment I felt at the changes my body was going through, and the wonderful pimples that began to appear on my face. It was sure a relief when I got out of that stage, and the horrible break outs (although not all the pimples...yay, stress) stopped.

Little did I know, that pregnancy would make my face break out like I was going through puberty again! I of course, understand why this is happening, but must admit at 27, it is sometimes hard to accept. Especially when a first grader feels it necessary to bring it to my attention (even though she didn't know any better). Here's to hoping that my pregnancy glow comes soon, and it isn't caused by a number of shiny pimples! :)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A Dream

The other night, I had a dream. In this dream, our baby had been born, and it was a little girl. I was somehow still pregnant, even though I'd just given birth. We were new parents, and everyone was coming to visit to see the newest member of our family. Of course, everyone loved her and couldn't stop talking about how adorable she was.

One night, B and I went to sleep (it was sometime very soon after our daughter was born), and when we woke up in the morning, we both commented on how surprised we were that our daughter had slept through the night. When we went in to check on her, we found that she was missing. We began to look all over and couldn't find her anywhere. It was terrifying.

Eventually, we got in the car to go look somewhere else and when I looked in the back seat, she was in her car seat-not moving.We had apparently left her there the entire afternoon/night and it had been very hot.

I freaked out and for some reason B did not. He kept telling me that it was ok, because I was pregnant and we would have another baby soon. For some reason, I thought he was trying to tell me that we could cover it up and no one would know. Which I thought was ridiculous. And I was upset because what kind of parents could we be to not notice that we left our child in the car for that long?

It was at this point that I was awoken by the alarm. I was pretty freaked out.

This is the first dream I have had like this (I have had a lot of weird dreams since I became pregnant, many featuring my dad...) and it did disturb me a bit. It left me wondering if it was a reflection of the worries I have about how good of a parent I will be. I will admit, I am scared. Scared of not knowing what to do once our baby gets here. Not knowing how to calm it when crying, not knowing how I will react to not getting sleep, not knowing how life is going to change. Not knowing how I will deal with our child when he or she reaches the teen years (yes, I am even thinking that far ahead). How do I know I won't mess our baby up? Or leave it in the car?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Recap

Well, the last week has been quite interesting. I've slowed on the posting and been lacking in responding to comments...I promise, I'll be visiting soon!

This week has been an interesting one if I can call it that... Here are a few things that happened:

- Pop cans exploded in the fridge because of cold weather, and then on the same day, our water went out. It was out for two long days. It finally came back on on Thursday, at which point I had a huge pile of dishes to do (no, not going to show a picture of that!), and we were unhappy to discover that the backflow of water in the pipes made all of our outside water faucets (that are supposed to be freeze free) freeze. That means in order to water all our animals at the house (all dogs and two of our horses) we would have to haul water up from the barn.
- I made Pineapple Upside Down Cake for the first time and yum! It was good! It was only the second time I have attempted making a cake from scratch (the first time was a disaster and happened close to 10 years ago). I followed a recipe I found here and recommend it to anyone who likes pineapple and cake. :)
- On Friday, B and I took advantage of the 50 degree weather to work some more on the fence in the far pasture. We want to get the horses out there bad. We finished everything, except for tightening one section of the fence. We put the horses out, and wouldn't you know, of course one of them finds that section and gets out (one thing about horses...they always find the weak spot in the fence...). Who knows when we'll be able to get to tighten that part of the fence...
- After spending all day Friday working on the fence, B and I go to water the horses and put them up for the night. We flip the switch in the barn...and no power. We call the power company and they tell us they would love to help, but their system is down. Sigh. We called back Saturday and turns out there was a mistake back when we bought the house in May and they never transferred the barn account to our name. So, they turned the power off on Friday. We can't get power back until Monday. This means that for the last 3 days, we've had no running water outside, as the barn water runs off a pump that needs electricity. Today and tomorrow, we are using a spring to fill buckets (if the spring dries up or freezes, I might just call it quits!)
- Yesterday was my friends husband's funeral. It was difficult. It was sad. And I cried. I just feel so badly for her and her children...at the loss she is feeling...at what they are going through. I wish I could take her pain away...
- I found out yesterday that my substitute teaching application has finally been approved. That means I may actually start working again soon. Maybe as soon as Monday. That means posting won't be as frequent, that's for sure. I'm not sure how I feel about it. On a whole, it is good to get out of the house and bring in some extra money. Substituting also gives me the much needed flexibility that I desire...I like being able to take days off when B is off and not having to worry about it. But, I also like being home all the time. Having the time to get things done and being able to spend time with the animals. I shouldn't complain. I don't have it that rough in terms of the job thing. It is just so hard when I still am not sure what I am supposed to be doing with myself!

That was my week in a nutshell. It got kinda crazy there for a bit, and I'm wondering if our house is done falling apart (crossing my fingers that it is...). Hopefully next week will present a calmer, less disaster filled week!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

7 Random Facts

Kristen at Something About Nothin tagged me a while back to share 7 Random Facts about myself, and I figured I better get around to it before it's too late! :)

Sooo, here goes:

1) I got a teddy bear when I was about 7-8 and I still have him today. He has traveled all over the world with me...Germany, Russia, Hawaii...and he has is...worn enough to show it. His name is Ted E. Bear. E is for Edward.
2) I have a tendency to end up with black animals. I will admit I like black animals, but I haven't always planned it that way. I currently have 3 black cats and 6 black dogs. It is likely that 2 of our horses will end up black as well. I guess it is good I like them though because it seems they are the least likely to get adopted (I guess people think they are mean?).
3) I went to George Mason University for my undergrad...I don't know if I would go back. I hated living in such a huge city. I do not like to sit in traffic.
4) When I was little I used to stare at the moon when we would travel and hope to go there one day. I'd still love to go.
5) One of my life goals is to hike the Appalachian Trail...maybe one day...
6) I am terrible with all types of glasses. My glasses are always scratched and the frames bent. I only get sunglasses from the dollar store because I don't want to pay to break glasses anymore.
7) I took swimming lessons when I was young, and the place I was at really wanted me to be on the swim team. I probably would have done it, except I skated at the time, and the two didn't mix (or at least that is what my coach said).

I'm supposed to tag 7 more people, but I'm just going to let you do it yourself if you want!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Year in Review

I'm having one of those nights where I am nowhere near tired...and I can't think of what to do with myself. I'd love to start another book, but the ones I can find, are not satisfactory...I started one and couldn't get past the first few pages (very unlike me). Maybe I need a reading break as I return to a world that is not Twilight.

Maybe I should clean since we will be having a dinner guest tomorrow. I prefer to save that for the morning though. So, I guess, I will write my year in review post. A lot of stuff happened this year and my life continues to...make me wonder...is that the right word? I'm not sure. This will probably be long... Anyway, here goes:

January/February - I list these two months together because they were much a blur to me. A hazy time of pain and sadness and I find it hard to distinguish between what happened during what month. A spent these two months in a bout of depression that was scary and very difficult for me to handle. I knew I had been sad and been dealing with many overwhelming things in my life (agreeing to the sale of my beloved farm, working my last time at the lot in December, our contract on the perfect house falling through, and facing a loss of the passion I once felt for my job due to a lack of support during a very rough three months in which students falsely accused me of targeting them in order to get out of suspension - it didn't work at first, but I found out in December that the suspension got overturned by an administrator who never felt it necessary to talk to me and get my side of the story...imagine how it felt to someone who loved her job and always worked hard to do the right thing...) but I did not want to admit to myself that I was depressed and needed help. I spent several weeks sad, on edge, trapped in my head, unable to sleep and barely eating. When all was said and done, I had lost 15 pounds. I knew what was wrong, but to admit it was very hard. I have seen my mom struggle with being bi-polar for much of my life, and I didn't want that to be me. I finally went to the doctor though, and she put me on some medication. The first stuff I tried made me worse...I felt sick to my stomach all the time, my heart would race, and in general it didn't make me feel good. So, I tried something else, and eventually things started to look up. It was a difficult time. I was very glad for people like K, who took care of me and helped me get back on my feet.

March - I turned 26 (yikes, not a fan of birthdays...I liked being in my early 20s!), and B and I finally went under contract on a house. K and I traveled to Atlanta for a conference, and had a lot of fun together, as we always do. It was at this time that I became firm in my decision that I would not return to my job after the end of the school year in June (couldn't anyway if I bought a house, I had to live on-campus to have my job) and while I was glad to have made the decision, it was also sad to commit to leave a field I had spent 7 years of my life doing. It was the absolute right decision for me though, and I've never thought otherwise.

April - After a lot of discussion, B and I decided to add a high-content wolfdog pup to our family. We have both always loved wolves, B has had a mid-content wolfdog for the past 5 years...there is something about them that have always just drawn me to them... So, we traveled 6 hours round trip to pick up Titan, a pup who was 1 generation away from a full wolf. He became the light of our days...a loving little bugger who was always into something. We committed ourselves fully to making sure he was raised the right way...socialized a lot, and experiencing new things. He loved to howl with me. :) Although he took a lot of work, we were dedicated to raising him right (and he fell in love with my chow-mix Jasmine). Shortly after we got him, my grandmother passed away on April 11th. My grandmother was my last remaining grandparent and she passed away at the age of 95. I last saw her on Christmas, as I made the decision not to go see her when she started to fail, for fear of that being my last memory of her...I am still haunted by my memories of my dad's final days, and of my other grandmother's...and although I wish I could have seen her one more time, I'm hoping this decision proves to have been the right one. My grandmother was an amazing woman. She loved her children and grandchildren passionately...and she had the most amazing laugh. I miss her terribly.

May - May brought an onslaught of emotions and experiences. On May 8th, Titan escaped his enclosure and ran out on the road. He was hit by a car...it was dreadful. We believe he was hit during the time we were looking for him. I had never had a pet die that way...I couldn't stop sobbing. I still miss that little booger even though it has been over 6 months. It still brings tears to my eyes to think about him or to even look at his picture. B lost a buddy when Titan passed away...they had a special bond. The day after Titan passed away, I had to go on a White Water Rafting trip as an chaperone. It was difficult to go...but it was a good escape. I had never been white water rafting before, and I absolutely loved it. I was cold the entire time. :) When I returned from the trip, B and I went back up to get another wolf pup...B had told the breeder what had happened, and he offered us another one as he felt it was the only way we would heal...how could we resist when we had wanted a wolf pup so badly? So, we went back up and ended up with Kaos, who is even higher content then Titan was. He is not Titan. But he is our baby. We love him dearly, and we have learned a lot with him. I cannot begin to tell you the joy he has brought us. That same week B and I closed on our house, and got engaged. :) May 16th! It felt so amazing to finally have a place of my own. And to know that someone loved me enough to actually put up with all my craziness and want to marry me!

June - June brought the end of the school year, the end of my job, and moving. It was the month in which I said goodbye to many friends as they moved to different areas, and realized I would no longer be a part of an amazing group of people (my wonderful staff...even though I did not like my job, I loved my staff). It brought a visit from my mom (almost two weeks...that was not easy!), and an insane amount of wedding planning. It brought fishing, and grass mowing and many of my animals together. All the dogs and cats were finally in one place...

July - B's birthday was in July, we spent it at a friend's wedding. We also adopted some horses for the farm, as well as a few goats. We continued our wedding planning...I made the invitations and sent them out. I had my bridal shower back in Delaware, and K flew out to be there with me. It was the first time I had to spend a significant amount of time with many of my family in several years...and so it was a challenge. But I got through. I also binged on books in July. I read an insane amount as I got used to my free time and not having my days planned out. I did however, struggle with what to do with myself and had no motivation to get anything done. I think I just needed a break after a tough year. I also decided to go off my medication in July...I wanted to try and handle things on my own...I don't particularly like anti-depressants...I do not like the way they make you feel. And I felt that since I was no longer stuck in a job I disliked, and was further away from the sadness I had felt in January, that it was time. It seems to have been the right decision.

August - I honestly don't remember much of August. I do believe we started catfishing in August. I'm not the biggest fan. :) I also started this blog in August. My hope in starting the blog was that I would find my love for writing again. I'm still trying to find it. Although I find it somewhat easy to post about my life...I want to WRITE. I want to write stories and compose pieces and I want people to love them and want to read them. I'm still hopeful that I'll get over the writer's block. We also got another wolfdog pup in August. We wanted a friend for Kaos...so we ended up with Cynder. We got Cynder when she was about 6 months...not the ideal time to get a wolfdog if they haven't been appropriately socialized, and she wasn't. In addition, she escaped from us not once (we never thought we'd see her again...it was within the first 24 hours we had her) but twice. We spent several weeks in August trying to catch her, and being very frustrated. It was trying on us emotionally. But we did finally catch her. She is still skittish and scared, but we are still working with her. She has warmed up to me more then B, and I wish we had warmer weather right now so I could spend more time in the kennel with her. I also got thrown from one of the horses in August and wound up with some pretty serious injuries. Twisted my ankle (it still hurts), jammed my back (still going to the chiropractor in hope it will go back to normal), and scraped my arm up. I have a nice scar...and this was all a month before the wedding!

September - Well, hmm. September. :) We spent most of September cleaning up the yard and gardens preparing for our wedding. We got married on September 20th. It was a beautiful day. It defines my September really. I did, however, start teaching a class again with the new school year and also started a new job at a daycare in September...I decided it was time to get out of the house...and I love kids, so I thought it would be perfect. Haha...I was wrong...

October - October was probably one of the most calm months of the year for me. I was saddened by the fact that Teddy, the horse we were fostering was picked up and taken to a new home. On the other hand, B and I made a trip up to the farm and picked up the last of the animals that were up there. So I finally had all of them together. I no longer have to worry about whether they are ok...they are here, and I can go and check on them whenever I want! :)

November - I gave my two MONTHS notice that I was quitting my job on November 1st. The result was that my hours were cut back...in half. I should have given two weeks notice for all that was worth... I decided that working at the daycare was not the place for me. Although I loved the kids, the people I work for are...not the best...and it is an extremely frustrating environment. I continue to look for something new...something that I will look forward to doing...that I am passionate about...that I feel is right for me. It has not been easy. I spent a lot of the month under the weather with a dreaded cold. It SUCKED. The end of the quarter came, and even though I was suprised at the attitudes of my students, I'll probably teach it again next year if I can. B and I celebrated our first Thanksgiving together as a married couple, and it was nice. :) I also started couponing and have become quite addicted...

December - This month has been rather bland. I'm not the biggest fan of holiday shopping, and always had an excuse not to do it before because I was selling trees. Now, I am trying to make it through my first December not being at the lot. It has been both nice (not to have to be outside in the cold and rain) and sad (I miss the people and the smell of the trees). I'm looking forward to my first Christmas in this house with B and spending it with his family. I'm looking forward to the new traditions. I'm looking forward to my last day of work (Friday!) and a short break before I begin substituting.

I guess as I look back on this last year...so much happened. I felt a lot of pain, a lot of hopelessness and also, a lot of joy. This year was a year of change for me. I hope it is not wrong to feel that I hope next year is calmer? I don't want to look back at next year and see so many sad things that happened. Although I struggle some with where life is taking me, I feel that I am also beginning to grow in better ways. I'm starting to move on from things that have haunted me...even though they do sometimes come back and hit me worse. I'm trying to look for the positive things in life, to enjoy them and to enjoy what I have. I have a wonderful, loving husband, a beautiful house and all my furbabies. I have good friends and for the time being, a pretty stable life. I know that not a lot of people have that. I am grateful for what I have.

Here's to hoping that 2009 brings some exciting adventures, and hopefully a new, right job to my life. But mostly, to hoping that my family and friends stay safe and happy.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Tree Lot


Every year for the past 30-some years my family sold our own Christmas trees on a little lot in Delaware. My dad would spend a week to two weeks up at the farm in the end of November, cutting trees and then bailing them, loading them, driving the 6 hours to Delaware, and unloading them in to trailers at the lot. He was very proud of the freshness of our trees. We were told that some of our trees lasted until Easter (we have to give credit to the people who were keeping these trees too...they must have known exactly what to do!), and we had customers who came every single year.

Helping people find their tree was always an interesting experience. Some people were picky, others were not. Some you could show a tree and that was it. Some you could show a tree, and another and another and another...and another...and guess what? They went back to the first tree they looked at. Others still, would not like anything we had out, and would ask us to look for a tree back in the trailer. Almost every time we had to pull a tree out of the trailer, the person would take it. I always wondered why that was. Did they think it was fresher? They always said it was because we were good at finding exactly what they wanted. But I'm not too sure of that. :)

I loved the way the lot smelled. Nothing beats the smell of fresh Christmas trees in my mind. There are a lot of people nowadays who ask the age old question...should I buy a fake tree or stick with a real tree? I can never argue for a fake tree (goes against my principle!) but I just couldn't see not having the smell of a fresh evergreen at Christmas time. Not only that, but did you know that Christmas trees use more Carbon Dioxide as they grow then regular trees do? So, cutting and re-planting is actually good for the environment...even though a lot of people use the argument that cutting live trees is bad for the environment (it is NOT true).

After my dad passed away, I took over the lot. I ran it myself for 4 years. Long-time customers were surprised that I remembered the trees they always wanted, but I had watched my dad closely the year before (the only year I worked with him the whole month of December), and I am lucky I have a nearly photographic memory. If I didn't know what they wanted, I made sure to take notes so I'd remember the next year. It wasn't always easy running the lot. It could be cold, wet on rainy days, or even boring standing outside for 10-12 hours a day. But I loved the people. I loved finding them the perfect tree, and felt pride at how much they loved our trees. I loved making wreaths for them and hearing their stories about previous trees or why they had loved coming to the lot and talking to my dad. Some said they would never buy a tree elsewhere, and made sure every year it was the same family selling. I loved that the kids would remember Jasmine and ask me where she was because they wanted to play with her.


There was a changing of hands when my dad passed away...a very unexpected one. His death was a shock...he had seemed so healthy and wasn't sick the last time they bought their tree. A lot of our customers cried when they found out he had passed away...they cared about him. But they came to care about me. They had heard stories about me for many years from my dad, and because of that, they felt they knew me. They were happy I continued to sell trees. It was a tradition in their family to come to our lot, just as it was a tradition in mine to sell trees.

This is my first year not being at the lot. Last year was my last. I didn't have the guts to tell our customers we wouldn't be back, even though I knew, because I didn't want to see the sadness on their faces. It was a difficult year for me at tree time last year. I cried a lot after we shut down, knowing I wouldn't see any of those people again. I cried thinking that I probably hadn't sold the best tree to some people, even though that was the tree they wanted...and hated it was the last tree they would get from us, and I cried thinking about the fact that they would show up this year and wonder where we had gone. It was out of my hands though, and no matter how badly I wanted to continue to sell trees...there was no way I could, as our farm was being sold (not by my choice...long story).

It has been a bit of a struggle for me not to be at the lot in Delaware this year. I feel quite a bit of loss. My mom has called me several times to let me know that people have called asking where we were. And it makes me sad.

There is the part of me that knows, that this is probably for the best. I have moved on in my life...I am married now, and spending 6 weeks away from B to sell trees, just isn't really feasible. With our new house and responsibilities, it would also have been very hard to continue my responsibilities at the tree farm had I been able... But, that doesn't always make it any easier. The other part says I could still do it, I would find a way. That part feels it is so ingrained in who I am...that it feels wrong to not be there. It tells me if I had really wanted it...I would have done it. And it hurts.

This year will be the first year in my 26 years that I will have a Christmas tree that is not one of my families. It will be the first time I will go somewhere and pick one out with my husband. The start of something new at the end of something else.

Friday, November 28, 2008

What I am Thankful For...

As I have been reading blogs the last few days...or weeks really...I have noticed the common theme of thankfulness coming up as people prepare for Thanksgiving. I guess that makes sense, considering Thanksgiving is a time for people to think about and remember the things they are thankful for. Thanksgiving was never really a big holiday in my family...my dad was typically working and my mom sometimes had to work too. When I was younger, there were a few years my sister and I went to the Outer Banks with my aunt, uncle and cousins for Thanksgiving...but that stopped when my skating took off. After that, I never really went anywhere until I started dating my ex, and celebrating Thanksgiving with his family. After we broke up, and my dad passed away, I stopped Thanksgiving all together. Some of this had to do with the fact that we set up the tree lot on Thanksgiving, some of it had to do with the fact that I felt I had nowhere to go.

I will admit, that the last few years of my life, I have not felt that thankful. I've focused a lot on the bad things that have happened...and sometimes wallowed in my pity. I've felt bitter and angry and held on to things that happened as I was growing up, that happened recently, and that continue to happen...some of these things I've talked about on this blog already, and others maybe one day I will be brave enough to share. The point is though, that I've allowed my pessimistic side to show and take over. I don't really know when this happened. But it has really taken over...to the point where sometimes I just think that there is no way a good thing will happen, and am not surprised when the bad thing ends up happening. Perhaps it is the expecting the bad thing that makes it happen. I don't know.

There is a huge part of me that misses the happy-go-lucky person I once was. I miss the confidence and the feeling that things would go my way. I wonder where she went and how she disappeared. I truly don't know why I let her go so far away, and I don't know how to get her back. I miss that person. B thinks I need to start thinking about the good things that have happened rather then focusing on the bad. I tend to think he is right (don't tell him that though! :)) but have a hard time getting there. One of the ways I am going to start, is by listing five things I am thankful for as it is Thanksgiving (or thereabouts...this post has taken me a bit to finish).

So, here goes:

1) I am thankful for B. He is an amazing man...I talk about him a lot on here, but have never really given you an idea of who he is...one day, hopefully. But, he has supported me and loved me through difficult times and struggles, and loves me even though I am nowhere near perfect, or good at cleaning. :) Seriously though, I can be a frustrating individual at times. I'm stubborn, and ridiculously set in my ways, and am trying to figure out my place in life. And this guy decided that despite those things, he wanted to spend forever with me anyway. He loves me very well and I am incredibly thankful for the one person in life that loves me despite all my flaws.

2) I am incredibly thankful for my friends K and Neil. I miss them terribly since they both moved away last summer, and I am not the best person at keeping in touch with people, even when they are my best friends. But, I know that if I need them they will be there for me in a heartbeat and with sound advice and ears.

3) I am thankful for my beautiful house and property that allows me to have all my animals close to me. For so many years I lived away from my animals...my animals are one of my biggest passions...and it was incredibly difficult for me. Now, they are all here. Finally. After 4 years. I can look out my bedroom windows in the morning and on one side I see my horses, and I can look out the other side and see our pond and the rest of our horses. It is a beautiful sight. I can hear our wolves howling at night, and can walk outside to play with my dogs. The dogs can run and enjoy themselves. My animals help me in so many ways and I love them all for different reasons...but mostly for their unconditional devotion and love. They are such amazing companions.

4) I am thankful that B and I are able to live ok without two solid incomes for a little while while I find a job that has some meaning to me. While I loved my last job...things happened and I also had to live on-campus, which I no longer wanted to do. I am thankful I was able to leave (so I could experience number 3) and have time to find something else that will be a suitable fit and not stress me out as much as my last job. I know that not everyone out there has that privilege and I am grateful for what we have.

5) Although I may not always be so positive, I am thankful for my life. B shared the following story with me the day before Thanksgiving...and I think it puts things in perspective. And it really made me think. This little guy did pass away...and you can find more stories about him on YouTube, etc.



I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and time with your family. I am thankful for my bloggy friends as well!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Dear Diary...

As I was cleaning last night, I came across my first diary. You know, the ones with the my diary lock that you really can open no matter what? I got this diary when I was 8...and never finished it...even though I wrote in it until I was 14 on and off. My problem was probably that I had several other diaries/journals and I never knew which one I should be writing in... :) Reading back on these entries made me laugh, as did seeing how my writing style changed over the years. I laugh when I think about what I thought was important to write about, or even how I thought I had to act "cool" when writing in a diary. Ah, the days when I had no clue about life...

I thought I would share an entry with you all. This is from the first year I had the diary, and pretty much every entry from this period of time was the same...I was 8, and I apparently couldn't spell.

Wensday, Aug 6, 1990

Dear Diary,

Today I went to
my cusins Lauren
We are spending
The night at her
house. Her pet
Nekki is hear and
she is a cat.
I love Lauren
and Nekki. Well
my cousen calling
me to go to bed,
Love,
Wolf

Monday, October 20, 2008

Feeling Discontented

Is discontented a word? I don't know. But it seems to accurately describe how I have been feeling. I guess you could say that I have been feeling this way for quite some time...and have been waiting and hoping that something would come along and help.

Let me start by saying that there are many aspects of my life that I love and am so glad have happened over the last year. I got married to an amazing man...and he truly is amazing, as he puts up with my insecurities and crazy moments. He supports me even when it isn't easy and I know he loves me dearly. We bought a farm that feels like our own little piece of heaven, despite the work it takes to maintain it. I'm surrounded by my animals, that I love with a passion. I've met some pretty great people, that have become good fixtures in my life, and who I really appreciate. So, there are things that I feel content and happy with.

On the other hand, I still feel like I am searching for something. A part of it, I am pretty sure, is what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I am certain that working at a daycare is NOT it. I don't know what else I am searching for...

A long time ago, before my dad passed away, I had my whole life planned out (married by 23, mom a few years later, job in Arizona, etc., etc... I knew what I wanted and everything was on track) and I was excited about where I saw it going. I was, for the first time in a long time, happy and content with my life. In fact, I felt as if the year before he passed away was the best year of my life up to that point. I had started grad school in a place I loved, met new friends that I loved, got engaged to the man I loved, and really, I just felt great. My life to that point had not always been great. I struggled with many things...my eating disorder, shyness, a feeling of not being good enough, and not being able to escape the identity of being a figure skater no mater how hard I tried...there are other things too, but you get the picture. But I had overcome all that and was finally doing things I loved and was in a place I felt good about.

When my dad passed away...I felt as if my life crumbled. My plan was no longer going to work. I became depressed, and to make it through each day was incredibly difficult. I became estranged from most of my family at this point because I felt they were not honoring my dad's wishes, my engagement crumbled, and my friends graduated and moved on to other schools. The one thing I can remember that brought me any happiness during that time, was my success with the farm. I eventually worked my way out of the depression and found joy in my new job. I found things I loved to do again and I enjoyed the feeling of family that came with my staff and my friends. But there was always something missing from my heart and my life.

Last year, as I struggled through a very difficult year with my job, and made the decision (the very right decision) to leave after the year was up, I was faced with what I was going to do after I left. I no longer felt so passionate about working with college students because of my experiences with them the past year (I was in a way, very burnt out, and feeling very unappreciated for the job I had done). I had been forced to give up the one thing I felt I was really good at, selling trees and the farm...and where did that leave me? I was struck with the fact that I had no idea where my passion was anymore.

Almost a year later, I still have no idea. I have no idea how to find it. I worry that I will be forced in to a job that I really do not want to do just so I am bringing in a paycheck and getting out of the house. I don't want to be in another job that leaves me miserable at the end of the day. I wake up every morning trying to understand what my meaning is. What is it that I am supposed to be doing in this world and with my life? Why is it taking me so long to find the answer? Not knowing, at times makes me irritable and sad. And I feel like I could have it so much worse so I should be grateful, but it is hard to remember that sometimes.

For someone who always had a plan and knew where her life was going, the unknown and no direction is really scary. To not know what else it is that will leave me feeling whole and no longer looking...to not understand why I can't feel content with my life the way it is now. I don't always understand. I worry that people will think I am not grateful for what I have. I truly am. I just want my heart to feel lighter again and not be longing for something that I have no idea what it is.

I just thought I'd share...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Dinner

I was reading Imperfect's post about family and dinner last night as I was attempting to wind down from an incredibly long day (yes, after 5.5 hours of running after 2-year olds, and changing diapers, I could barely keep my eyes open), and it made me really think about what dinner's have meant to me over the years.

For a long time when I was young, my family ate dinner together most nights. My dad worked night shift at times, so there were days he could not join us, but for the most part, for my early years, every night was spent at the kitchen table eating something my mom had cooked. My mom did not really like to cook...everything she did was very basic, but what mattered was that we were at the dinner table together.

As I grew up, and became more involved in skating, we didn't have as many family dinners. Sometimes my mom was working, sometimes my dad. We often ate out (every Tuesday was McDonald's night), or dinner was whatever we made when we got home. When I first started watching what I was eating, I began to cook some dinners, and I do remember a few nights spent together with my experiments...but that was few and far between. For a long time also, because of my eating disorder, meals were a scary time for me. They were not something to be enjoyed. They resulted in fears of gaining weight and calorie counting... Looking back now, I feel we really missed out on some good family times. I don't think I realized this as a teenager...really, I was more concerned about the things that were going on in my life to worry about sitting down and eating with my parents. And I don't think this was anyone's fault. We were all struggling through our own busy schedules and troubles in life...but I feel our family would have been much stronger and tighter, if we would have taken an hour out of our days to catch up with each other and have a REAL conversation. Because meals are the perfect opportunity for that...and it is so hard to have a real conversation at any other point during the day (especially for a busy family).

When I went to college, I ate with my boyfriend, or ate alone in my room. The dining halls were gross, and home-cooked meals were few and far between. :) I did look forward to the conversations my boyfriend and I would have during those times.

When I finally moved in to my own apartment, I was so excited to finally have a kitchen where I could cook...but I was in grad school, and that equaled no time to cook. Well...I cooked a bit. But not much. And I had no one to eat it with really.

I thought when I graduated and started a job, I'd have more time. But what I hated was that I was cooking for just me. What was the point of making a meal when I'd have a ton of leftovers I'd never eat?

When B and I started dating, we tried to eat as many meals together as possible. We made sure to at least eat one meal together, regardless of whether he was working or I was working (we had that luxury since we worked at the same place). I really came to look forward to those meals together. It was our time. We would laugh together, talk with each other, and review our days. It was time for conversation that we might not have gotten otherwise. I started to enjoy eating. I saw mealtime as a happy time, rather then just a time that I had to put something in my stomach. I started to plan for our meals...when before, I would just snack on something as I was working or going from one place to the next. With B, I found my love of food and meal time again.

When we moved in to our new house, and I left my job, we were both able to be home for dinner. If I come home first, I try to cook, and vice versa. Some nights though, we cook together. We make a concerted effort to stop whatever we are doing at dinner time and sit at our small kitchen table and eat together. Some times we don't need to have a conversation, and we will just sit and enjoy the food. Other days, when we haven't had much time to talk during the day, it is our time to catch up and just sit together. I truly cherish this time together. I believe that we both do. I know when one of us cannot be home for dinner because of another commitment, it feels weird and as if something is off. Breakfast and lunch can be spent apart (although often we try to find ways to eat together for lunch), but dinner is to be spent together. It is a bonding time and a time when we get to make something together and enjoy it together.

I also love it because I can FINALLY experiment and make the meals I've been dying to make for so long. It truly is a goal of mine to be a good cook...and be able to make some fantastic meals. If I have kids, I want to cook and bake with them. I really think that meals provide such an amazing opportunity to bond and spend quality time together.

Our table is small right now...as we are a small family and just starting out. But I hope over the years as we begin to establish ourselves, that we will begin hosting big family dinners. I love big family dinners...where there is so much conversation and laughter around the table... And if our family grows, that we will continue to keep the meaning of eating together and always take that time together. When else do you get such a perfect time to give your undivided attention to those you love?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

It begins

I start work tomorrow. My first shift is 12:30-3:45 and then I have to run (drive VERY quickly) to the university to make it to my class to be able to teach by 4:10. I feel that I will be cutting it very close...especially since I still can't move very quickly on my ankle (from the horse accident that happened almost 6 weeks ago!). I'm not excited. I have to spend most of the day in town since I have to get a TB test before 11, and driving back to the house just doesn't make sense. I'm trying to stay positive about this job. I really am. Especially since I haven't even started...but I'm finding it hard to get excited.

I'm almost done the wedding post...

Friday, September 26, 2008

Insomnia

It is Friday night and I can't sleep. This often happens to me. I think I'm tired and go to bed, and then I lay there, things racing through my mind, and I'm suddenly wide awake. I'm very intentional at trying to go to bed the same time as B, mostly because I once read that one of the biggest downfalls couples can have is going to bed at different times. So, no matter what, I go to bed with him...and then wait for him to fall asleep before getting back up (lots of times I hope that I fall asleep too, but it is to no avail).

My dad used to tell me when I couldn't fall asleep that I should get up and write a list about what it was that I was thinking about. I fought doing that for the longest time because that would mean getting up and not getting sleep. But then I realized that lying there thinking of things, I wasn't sleeping either.

Tonight, I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that time goes so fast. Last week at this time I was spending time with two of my best friends, writing my vows, and sleeping in a hotel room. Now, I am sad that my wedding day is over, dealing with the aftermath (long story), and am feeling so sad to know that B goes back to work tomorrow and I start work on Monday. I'm really not looking forward to working again. I really enjoy my time at home with my animals, knowing I can get things done, and knowing that I am home when B gets home. Our schedules will be quite different now, and that is going to take some adjustment. I'll no longer have so much time to grade my papers and sit with the animals. I'm not sure how I'll deal with that quite yet. I think mostly though, I didn't fully think through taking this job, and it may not have been the best choice for me. I'm not really excited about it, and that makes it hard. But, I will have to suck it up for now.

We had really hoped to spend a lot of quality time together this week (we chose not to honeymoon yet with the responsibilities we have with the animals), but things got in the way. We had clean-up on Sunday, had to run around to get my name changed and I had to teach on Monday, spent lots of time trying to get the goats in a pen where they weren't getting out on Tuesday... just stuff. Before we knew it, Friday was here and our time together almost over. Life gets so busy. And if I have heard right, it really only gets worse.

I am working on my post about the wedding. I'm hoping to get it posted in the next few days. I took the week off from blogging, so it will take me a while. I'm also waiting to see if a few more pictures get posted (won't have the ones from the photographer for a bit). I can say I'm enjoying being married. All 7 days. :) I was talking to someone yesterday and said, "My husband," and boy did it feel weird, but also amazing, to say. Even though B and I lived together for a few months before we were married and had joined our lives (financially) when we moved in together, there is just something about looking at the ring on my finger, and knowing that we pledged to support and be with each other in front of friends and family that makes everything so much more special and permanent. I have no idea why.

Ok, I'm going to attempt to grade some papers...hopefully they will help me fall asleep.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Oops

Well, yesterday I went to the university to teach my class. I parked in the same lot I've been using the past week, went and taught my class, and came back. To find a parking ticket on my car. I was shocked. I had asked B if the lot was for sure open after 3 (he said yes), had looked at the sign to make sure it was open after 3 (although I didn't have my glasses on...), and remembered from my time working full-time at the university that Dark Green lots were ALWAYS open after 3. I was quite mad. I didn't want to pay the university $30! As I inspected the ticket, I noticed that it said permit required until 5. "Got you now!" I thought. I drove up to the sign, took a look, and was surprised to see that it DOES say permit required until 5. "What the heck?" I think. They changed it after the first week of class?

I drive home. I am rather annoyed mind you. I hate the parking services department at the university, as they ticket people for ridiculous things, very often...like once, when my pass fell down, I got ticketed, even though I was parked in MY DESIGNATED spot (and you don't even want me to tell you how many people parked in my spot through the years and never got ticketed). I tell B what happened. "That's weird." He says. He also didn't know the lots changed. But he tells me that since I am teaching a class, I should be able to get a parking pass for at least the times I have to be on campus. I'm glad someone told me that before. I immediately go to my computer and put in to appeal the ticket. My reason for appeal reads something like this:

"I have been a member of the University community for the past 5 years and am going into my fourth year as a faculty/staff member. During this time, Dark Green lots have always been open after 3pm. As I left my full-time job at the university after last year, and I am teaching a class from 4-5 twice a week, I did not think I would have a problem with parking, so I never inquired about parking passes, etc. I teach in G, and lot 90 is a short walk away...since it is a Dark Green lot, I figured after 3pm I would not need a pass to park. When I parked in the lot on Monday, September 8th, I looked at the sign, and am almost positive it still said that after 3pm a permit was not required. I parked there that day, and the next Wednesday. Today I received a ticket on my vehicle, and was surprised. I looked at the sign to see that the time had changed to a permit being required until 5pm. I of course, was not checking the sign every day, as I did not think the hours on the sign would change after the quarter started. I also was not told that as a part-time faculty member I could still receive a parking pass, so I never knew to go and get one. I was informed today, when inquiring about where I could park, that I would be able to get a pass, and plan to do so in the future. I would appreciate this citation being overturned, as I had no idea that the lot times changed, or I would not have parked there. Thank you."

I go in today and get my contract, go down to parking services, and attempt to get a pass. They issue me one right away. I then look at their map on the wall and ask them, have Dark Green lots always been pass required until 5pm? Yes, they tell me, they have. PURPLE lots (which are also faculty/staff and can be parked in with a Dark Green pass) are open after 3pm. Oh. Crap. I feel dumb.

Now it is quite possible my appeal would have been granted if I had just told them that I had not been given a copy of my contract until today. But I have a feeling that my incorrect information above will leave them laughing and denying my appeal quickly. I would like to take back my appeal to avoid this embarrassment. I hate nothing more then making an absolute idiot out of myself in such a way. So tomorrow, I am probably going to call them and ask if there is anything I can do. In a way, it was a simple mistake, but I don't want to be laughed at. I'd rather pay the fine then get laughed at by these people that don't know me (different when it is people you know and are telling the story to).

My lessons learned from this saga:

1) Don't listen to B. (Ha! And he even told me that. He said, "I don't know what I am talking about, why didn't you double check?" Fact of the matter is, he SHOULD know what he is talking about, his job requires it, and he even thought the lots were open after 3).

2) Wear my glasses when looking at signs. 3's and 5's look a lot alike when they are small and I don't have my glasses on.

3) Maybe wait a day or two before filing appeals to make sure my information is totally correct.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

A New Look!

So, you'll notice that I've changed the blog around a bit. I've been meaning to try to be a bit more original, but really, I am procrastinating and attempting to distract myself from all the rain that is coming our way. Rain means no time to work outside, and, if it happens on September 20th, a very wet wedding that will have to be totally redone.

I'm trying not to think about it. But it's hard not to let it creep in my mind.

Monday, September 8, 2008

5 Things

My life the past few days has consisted of:

1) More weeding of the garden. However, the seeds are coming off all the weeds and floating up my nose and going in my eyes, so my allergies have decided to become the bane of my existence. We still have more gardens left to do then I want to admit. And 10 days left to do it (although, technically 9, since B is going out on Wednesday, leaving me by myself, and I can't get as much done without him...)

2) Job Interview. I alluded to this in the previous post. I actually applied to a childcare center about a month ago for a part-time position. They finally called me in and I was like, ok. I then realized I had no idea what I was in for. B says, "maybe they are just screening you to make sure you aren't crazy." Actually, they are interviewing me for a "teaching" position for toddlers and want to know my teaching philosophy and want curriculum I would develop for toddlers. UM? I don't know, I've never studied anything that has to do with toddlers, I thought I was just working at a day care where we were taking care of children...not applying to be a preschool teacher! A few quotes to tell you how it went:

-"I'm sorry if I am itching a lot, we've been spending a lot of time in the garden and I've been bit a lot" (before the interview started...I didn't want them to think I was nervous itching!)

-"My curriculum would consist of teaching them about colors, animals, sounds, we would color and I would read a lot of books because I feel children learn well from books."

-"I babysat for 4 years." (In response to a question about my experience with youngsters).

-"Um, I guess I didn't see anything about pay?" (My first question. Smart, smart...glad they think I'm all about the money. Thanks B, for making me so nervous about asking about it, it was the first thing that pops out of my mouth...)

Needless to say, there was probably a lot more then that, but those are the ones that stick out. I am normally a killer interviewer, if I can say that, but I was so unsure of what I was interviewing for here that I had no idea how to prepare. I don't think it went BAD, but I definately could have done better. I had my friend laughing so hard at what I told her because I was the one that gave her interview advice a few years ago that she still uses. Ah well. I don't know if I would take the job anyway. And I highly doubt I would be offered the job considering I have no experience with toddlers. All my experience is with college students (who act like toddlers). But it was a good learning experience. If I get it, I get it, if I don't, I don't. I'll just finish filling out my subbing application and finally get that started.

3) I started teaching my class today. It never ceases to amaze me that college students are so different now then they were when I was in school (I started 8 years ago). I feel like they don't want to learn/want easy A's, and no matter how hard you try to make a class interesting and fun for them, they look at you like you are a nutter. I'm trying not to judge my students too early, as I know it was the first day and they were nervous and unsure what to expect. But one actually said, "I was excited to take this class and wanted to take it until I found out the text cost $88." (Sorry bud, welcome to college and overpriced books).

4) I've been putting boxes together for our favors and have bought all the materials to get our programs together. My goal is to have programs together by the end of the week, so all I have to do is think about favors next week. Because next week I get married. (I'm still in shock at that one).

5) I had my bachelorette party. It was fun, and even more so because my best friend Trish flew out to see me when I haven't seen her in several years. We didn't go wild and crazy (in part, because I'm not that type). But I did get dressed up and we laughed a lot and just had fun. I love girl's nights and am glad B is the type to let me keep having them even after we are married!

Monday, September 1, 2008

What's in a Name?

As the wedding draws closer, the one thing I'm still struggling on deciding is whether or not to change my name. I never used to think it would be such a difficult decision for me...in fact, the first time I was engaged (yes, I was previously engaged), I had my mind all made up that I would be changing my name. Since then though, so much has happened in my life that I'm just not sure...

Reasons for keeping my name:
1) I like it. :)
2) It is very high up in the alphabet
3) Not having to go through all the pain of changing everything that has my current name on it to a new name
4) It is me. I truly feel in the past few years that I have really become who I am. My name is a part of that. It's how everyone knows me...
5) I feel it honors my dad. There are no males in our immediate family and our last name is dwindling...(there aren't very many with our last name anywhere, really, but only one male within even my extended family...).

Reasons for changing my name:
1) I think B would appreciate it, even though he tells me it wouldn't bother him if I didn't take his name
2) Makes it easier for other people. Ha!
3) Taking his name shows that we've come together to start our life as a unit...

I dunno. I'm not against it for all the feminist reasons, really, I could care less about those (no I don't hate feminists. This is the second time I've brought them up in posts...) I guess I feel like maybe I'll be losing something I feel is a part of my identity. How I see myself. But maybe how I see myself shouldn't be wrapped up in something so small as a name... Do others see me as a name? Those that don't know my name certainly don't, and I'd hope that those who do know me see me for all the other things about me.

I've still got time. Maybe the answer will eventually become clear.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Finally!

We will finally have bedroom furniture on Friday! They are delivering it in the afternoon when I won't be here (sad), but when I get back, I'll be able to unpack my clothes! YAY! This is incredibly exciting for me. After 3 months, I'll be able to find my clothes. I have no idea what I'll do with myself!

Haven't been outside yet because it has been raining all day. Crossing my fingers that Cynder returned in the night though...
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