The Post in Which All is Revealed...

I am very happy I can finally let you all in on my secret...

B and I are expecting our first little one this Spring! March 14th to be exact. Which is 2 days after my birthday.

I am officially 16 weeks 2 days today.

This is the reason that I was soooo exhausted all summer and not really in the mood to do much, including blogging. Besides suffering from all day morning sickness as well...

I found out in mid-July. We had been trying for a few months, and I randomly decided to take a pregnancy test the day before B's birthday, thinking that it would be a fun birthday gift. :) I was actually rather shocked to have a positive test...so I took two more to be positive. Ha. Even then, I don't know if I really believed it. Not until I heard the heart beat for the first time, and saw our baby during the ultrasound.

I have for the most part been feeling ok since I moved out of my first trimester. Although I am still tired, I'm finally getting my appetite back and eating without feeling sick for the most part. I'm just starting to show as well. It has been quite an experience.

We are both excited and nervous, and I must admit I am a little scared as well. In a little over five months, a lot in our life is going to change. But I really can't wait to meet our little one.

Here is the picture from our 3 month ultrasound. B says that baby is already practicing for boxing/mixed martial arts, as it has it's guard up. :)

I'll be back with more updates now that I'm ready to be back to blogging!

A Quick Update

Since I orginally posted, things have not gotten much better. We took Jasmine to the vets today (Monday) to have her leg looked at and were told that while they would try surgery, it was not hopeful. Once they opened her up, it was determined that the best thing for her was to amputate her leg...as she would be in pretty bad pain for the rest of her life if she still had her leg. I'm in shock and struggled with the decision all day. I hope it was the right one. I never expected this outcome, and while I have read amazing things about tripod dogs, it doesn't make it easier at the moment. I'm not sure when I'll be back to posting. Right now, I feel I need to hold all my animals closer and spend some more time with them. Jasmine will especially need quite a bit of attention when she returns home tomorrow.

A Sad Return

B and I are back from what was a wonderful and relaxing vacation. More to come on the vacation in a future post.

Unfortunately, the rest and happiness of the vacation did not last upon our return home. We returned to a horse with a hurt foot, Jasmine with a very hurt leg and urinary tract infection, fleas everywhere, our cat Maggie missing, and our cat Tears no longer with us. It was a lot to handle in the middle of the night when we returned home.

The next day did not get better, as we finally found Maggie and she was on the verge of passing away... She passed about 20 minutes after we found her, in my arms. We have no idea what happened. It was a bizarre situation, with no clear culprit...all I know is that it rather devastated me to see her in the state she was in, and to see her take her last breath.

Maggie was a very loving cat. I talked about her back in December when I was trying to help her get better. She never did get totally better, and because of this we had to make the decision to put her outside. It was not my first choice...I'm not a fan of outdoor cats because of what can happen to them, but B and I didn't know what else to do with a cat that had the runs on the floor multiple times a day. The vet didn't know what was wrong, and nothing we tried made her better. She seemed to do fine outside, although she would often try to run back in the house. She really just wanted to be with her people and that was the most important thing to her. She did not deserve what happened to her. I miss having her run at me every time I walk out the door.

Tears was also a very loving cat. She was found before we got home and buried before we could say goodbye. What happened to her is also a mystery. She ended up outside because she had a constant sneezy nose that resulted in snot everywhere. After months of trying to get her better, we couldn't take anymore and thought she could keep Maggie company. She seemed to adapt to the outdoors much easier and didn't seem to mind it as much. Her biggest problem was that she liked to sleep under cars. She loved our dog Jem, and loved us well.

It has been very difficult for me to come to terms with what happened while we were gone. These kitties were our babies, raised from very young and we put a lot of time and effort in to them. They were so loving and probably some of the friendliest cats I've ever had. I worried the most about our animals being ok while we were gone, and I so hoped we would return to all of them as we left them. It is difficult to know that our not being here as usual could have contributed to what happened. It is difficult to know that we planned our vacation with the understanding that our friend would be staying at our farm while we were gone and taking care of the animals...only to have said "friend" leave us hanging high and dry when the time came so we had to scramble to find someone who could at least drop in to check on them a few times a day. It makes me think that taking a vacation when you have a farm is almost impossible.

I am hurting for my animals.

Away we go!

B and I are off to Hawaii tomorrow, bright and early! We'll be back on the 28th late. And then probably spending time getting the farm back in order and with the animals, so it will be a few days before I post. I'm really looking forward to getting away for a bit and relaxing. My biggest concern is that the animals are ok while we are gone, but I'm going to try hard not to worry about it too much...

Enjoy the rest of August everyone!

A Bit Exhausted...

Hello my bloggy friends. I have been MIA. Badly MIA. Summer is proving to be more challenging then I thought. I'm finding it hard to believe that school starts up again soon. Today, I've been trying to start planning for my class that I teach in the fall. Where did summer go? It seems like just yesterday that I was sooo excited for more free time, warm weather and all the fun things that summer brings. Remember the days when it seemed that time went so slowly? I miss those days...

I have been rather tired lately, which has played a part in my not updating much. When tired, I'm not too creative, and not really in the mood to do anything...not even type. I'm hoping this will get better soon. But, who knows?

To update you on all the things I talked about B and I doing...

-Mamma Mia was really quite good. The lead singer was not as good as I would have hoped, but the other cast members made up for it. B really enjoyed it...it was the first time he's seen a play like that. I have a feeling we'll be going to some more in the future.

-I mentioned the fact that we started up with meat goats. A few of you said that you didn't know much about goat meat, or weren't sure you could really raise goats for meat... I know. I've talked on here before about how difficult it is for me to kill any sort of animal. In the past though, my family did raise cattle, and I was ok with it because I distanced myself and never really got attached. We sold the animals that needed to be sold and I had no idea where they went from there. Sure, I had an idea, but it wasn't us doing the killing. It is how I will look at the goats too. We did a bit of research in to goat meat before deciding to take this step. It is actually on the rise in the U.S. as a form of meat, and there is a good market in our area. And believe it or not, goat meat is pretty much the healthiest form of meat out there. I can't say I've tried it...not sure when I will, but I've heard good things about it. So, we are getting started. We've currently got 6 does and 2 billies. We will see what happens with them, and go from there. And believe it or not, we've already had our share of problems. It is amazing how quickly you can learn about goat diseases, etc!

-Chickens! I realize I haven't said much about them in some time. They are pretty much grown up. Our first batch of little ones have started laying. The rest should be laying by September. The chickens continuously make me laugh. When they get hungry, they pretty much attack me and wait for me to feed them. We have 36 right now, but have a few too many roosters, so that number will be going down. I'm still loving the farm fresh eggs and can't really imagine going back to store bought eggs now...

-The horses are doing well. Sugar and Trucker have been behaving and riding quite nicely...for B. I haven't gotten back up yet. We also let our farrier take our thoroughbred for a while for his son. He loves riding Laddie, and we figured it would be good for both the horse and the boy. This way Laddie is getting the exercise he doesn't get while with us at the moment. :) I do miss having the big boy around, but he'll be back by winter I am sure.

-My poor kitty Onyx somehow ended up with a hematoma in his ear. It was the weirdest thing. One day I noticed that he had a bump on his ear, and it just kept getting bigger. His ear started to flop down and we decided it was time to go to the vet. He got surgery today (only way to fix it!), and is currently walking around the house like he is drunk. I have a feeling his ear is going to be permanently damaged because we didn't get it fixed early enough. I guess it adds character, but I do feel bad. We just didn't know any better as to what it was. I'm hoping to post a picture soon.

-All the other animals are doing well. Khloe has gotten humongous and is learning to fetch. Although it has been so hot here lately that playing outside is NOT fun. Humidity is not our friend.

-B and I leave for vacation in a week. We are going to Hawaii. I can't believe it. It is kind of like a late honeymoon for us.

I hope everyone is well. I've still been visiting your blogs, just not commenting as much as I should. I promise to start up again as soon as I get my energy back!

A Visitor

This past week my mom was here visiting...which is the main reason that I've been Missing in Action. She stayed for a whole week. Yup. 7 days. It was rather stressful, to be honest.

I love my mom, however, our relationship has never been the best. We are like oil and water...don't mix very well. I can be around her for a few days and then...well, she starts to rub me the wrong way and I get on edge. I have been praying for quite some time for more patience when it comes to my mom, but it has not come easy to me.

It isn't my mom's fault. For many years of my childhood she suffered with being manic depressive. She went undiagnosed for several years. During those years she did some pretty awful things to my sister and I. But, we came out on the other side. I'm not saying that we weren't damaged in the process. We certainly were. There were times when I all I wanted from my mom was a hug, and she pushed me away. Eventually, I stopped wanting hugs from her. Eventually, I stopped trusting her.

After she was diagnosed, and put on medication, my mom got significantly better, although she slept a lot. But a lot of the damage was already done. Although my sister was able to trust her again, I never really shared things with my mom again. I guess I always wondered if she would revert back to her old ways. When my dad got sick, she got sick again. She wasn't able to handle what was happening and after he passed away, she had a mental breakdown. After a few weeks in the hospital, they changed her medicine (she was on something that while controlling her manic tendencies, had in fact depressed her...which is why she was sleeping so much), and I must admit, when she came out, I barely recognized her. She acted so different. It was like the mom I had lost 10 years before when she first started showing her illness. I almost didn't know how to act around her. She was relaxed and happy. She stopped all the nervous ticks she had done for years. She even started volunteering at the church so she could get out of the house. It was amazing, and I was shocked.

Unfortunately, this new mom didn't last. I'm not sure why. I don't know if they changed her medications again, or if the combination of everything was too much, or what it was. But, less then a year after she became the new and improved mom, she started to get worse again. Granted, she never got to the point she was before, but, the nervous ticks returned, and on top of that, she has become a bit of a hypochondriac. I don't think a week goes by when she doesn't call to tell us that something else has happened to her and she has a need for another medication. At times, I can't believe that her doctors continue to treat her. I do feel bad for her, as I think she honestly doesn't know what to do with herself anymore...that she needs attention, and that having things wrong with her is her way to get attention. Unfortunately, all the medication she is on does not do her good. She is honestly quite scatter-brained. An example of this would be her taking my SUV while here (without my knowledge) and backing it in to the bell in our yard. The bell that is about 10 feet out of the driveway. She took it, regardless of the fact that she couldn't see to drive it, and kept driving after running over several bricks and rocks in our flower beds. And was going to keep driving it after hitting the bell, had I not come out to stop her (because yes, I heard her hit the bell). She didn't see anything wrong with it. And that's just one example! Argh. :)

The hardest thing for me when it comes to my mom is that I can't talk to her. I'd love to be able to tell her things that are happening in my life. To seek advice, to share with her. But I can't. Time and again, I have tried, and she has told people things I have asked her not to tell. She has twisted things I have said and started problems that didn't need to be started. There is also a part of me that feels like her hugs and other acts of love aren't genuine. They probably are...but after years of getting pushed away, I can't bring myself to really feel them, or want to reciprocate. And this is coming from someone who loves to cuddle and show affection.

So, with her here visiting, it was hard. I realize that I have only her and my sister left of my immediate family. I long to have a close and loving relationship. I continually try to give her another chance, but with each chance, it becomes harder and harder. I'll keep trying.

Update.

Time is flying by and summer commitments keep me busy. I have a desire to write more, but with so much going on, I sometimes find it hard to find the time. Will I ever find it again? In the past few weeks, B and I have decided to try our hand at becoming meat goat farmers. We have acquired an additional 8 goats in the last few weeks and are busy learning the trade. On top of that, we had our nephew over for a few days, had to hook up electric fence to the horse pasture and I fell off the horse the other day.

Yes, I fell off the horse. After writing my last post, 2 days later, off I went. I guess you could say I had a feeling it was coming. I was actually working her with the person who trained her to try and get her to go past a part of our property that she would give me trouble at every time I rode her. I think in her mind, it was the point where she felt a little too far from "home" and wanted to turn around and go back to her herd. I was trying quite hard to keep her going in the direction I wanted to go, but it didn't quite work. In the process of her turning to go back and attempting to make a break for it, I fell. I didn't get bucked off this time, happily, but slid right out of the saddle. I went chest first into one of our fruit trees...so I bruised a few ribs and my knees. Problem with my little mare is that she is extremely quick. Her movements are so sharp that if you aren't paying attention or ready for it, it is very easy to fall. As I did. This last fall has left me a little scared I must admit. I tried to get back up in the saddle on Saturday, on our very broke horse, but had a bit of a panic attack. Maybe it was the fact I could still feel the pain in my ribs, or maybe it was the fact that he is soooo much taller. I don't know. But I know I just didn't feel comfortable riding. So, I'm taking a bit of a brake. B is going to be doing most of the riding until I feel more confident I guess. I'll get there, but it might take a bit.

We didn't see fireworks on the 4th (I can't remember the last time I saw fireworks...3 years ago?), which was a bit disappointing, but responsibilities called. Instead, B and I spent some quality time together, which is always nice.

Also nice? We are finally starting to get some veggies from our garden. I LOVE eating fresh veggies. Right night we are mostly getting onions and cucumbers, but the tomatoes should be ready soon. The problem we always have is the fact we have WAY too many cucumbers. Any ideas for good recipes? I've actually looked up a cucumber bread, and am going to try pickles again this year (last year, I failed miserably). But, I wonder if anyone has a standby recipe? Let me know, so I can make some good use of these cucumbers besides eating them cut up with ranch dressing!

Tomorrow, B and I are taking some time together to go and see:
I'm really excited and I hope it's good. We both love musical type things and plays. We thought the movie was pretty good (we love the music - the singing may not have been the best, but it was so funny!), so hopefully this will be just as good.

I'll let you know how it is when I post again! :)