Blah.

This has been me lately.
I must admit that I've been feeling pretty good for being pregnant. With the exception of being overwhelmingly tired. I work, I come home and collapse on the couch. I have no desire to do anything when I get home, and it has been a bit trying on me. And probably on B, because I'm honestly not getting much done around the house. I have been subbing about 4 times a week, and teaching a class at the university 2 times a week. The class at the university ends on Monday, and I am extremely happy that I will have a bit of my time back. I keep saying I'm going to cut back on subbing as well, but it is hard when I want to make some money before taking time off when the baby is born. I do need to start thinking less about money (hard to do!) though, and more about how important it is to spend time with my hubby. Because he doesn't get weekends off, he has 2 days off during the week. I used to not work at least one of those days so we got to spend time together, and I haven't even been doing that. In a few months, we won't have the time we have to ourselves now, and I know we should take advantage of it. I really need to work on changing my mindset...especially because I really miss my hubby. It is ok to say no to a day of subbing, and money is honestly not the most important thing in the world...

One thing I have really noticed since being pregnant is that I've thought about my dad A LOT. About how proud he would have been to have a granddaughter (yes, we found out we are having a girl!), and how he would have spoiled her rotten. My dad was amazing with kids. He would have wanted to have his grandchildren visit often, would have taken them on trips, and taught them all the useful information he passed on to my sister and I. I can't help but think of the huge gap that will be left in my daughter's life because she will never know her amazing grandfather. Especially because I still miss him so much. I will of course tell her what an amazing man her grandfather was, and pass on my memories, but it won't be the same. And sometimes that is hard to swallow.

A Dream

The other night, I had a dream. In this dream, our baby had been born, and it was a little girl. I was somehow still pregnant, even though I'd just given birth. We were new parents, and everyone was coming to visit to see the newest member of our family. Of course, everyone loved her and couldn't stop talking about how adorable she was.

One night, B and I went to sleep (it was sometime very soon after our daughter was born), and when we woke up in the morning, we both commented on how surprised we were that our daughter had slept through the night. When we went in to check on her, we found that she was missing. We began to look all over and couldn't find her anywhere. It was terrifying.

Eventually, we got in the car to go look somewhere else and when I looked in the back seat, she was in her car seat-not moving.We had apparently left her there the entire afternoon/night and it had been very hot.

I freaked out and for some reason B did not. He kept telling me that it was ok, because I was pregnant and we would have another baby soon. For some reason, I thought he was trying to tell me that we could cover it up and no one would know. Which I thought was ridiculous. And I was upset because what kind of parents could we be to not notice that we left our child in the car for that long?

It was at this point that I was awoken by the alarm. I was pretty freaked out.

This is the first dream I have had like this (I have had a lot of weird dreams since I became pregnant, many featuring my dad...) and it did disturb me a bit. It left me wondering if it was a reflection of the worries I have about how good of a parent I will be. I will admit, I am scared. Scared of not knowing what to do once our baby gets here. Not knowing how to calm it when crying, not knowing how I will react to not getting sleep, not knowing how life is going to change. Not knowing how I will deal with our child when he or she reaches the teen years (yes, I am even thinking that far ahead). How do I know I won't mess our baby up? Or leave it in the car?

The Post in Which All is Revealed...

I am very happy I can finally let you all in on my secret...

B and I are expecting our first little one this Spring! March 14th to be exact. Which is 2 days after my birthday.

I am officially 16 weeks 2 days today.

This is the reason that I was soooo exhausted all summer and not really in the mood to do much, including blogging. Besides suffering from all day morning sickness as well...

I found out in mid-July. We had been trying for a few months, and I randomly decided to take a pregnancy test the day before B's birthday, thinking that it would be a fun birthday gift. :) I was actually rather shocked to have a positive test...so I took two more to be positive. Ha. Even then, I don't know if I really believed it. Not until I heard the heart beat for the first time, and saw our baby during the ultrasound.

I have for the most part been feeling ok since I moved out of my first trimester. Although I am still tired, I'm finally getting my appetite back and eating without feeling sick for the most part. I'm just starting to show as well. It has been quite an experience.

We are both excited and nervous, and I must admit I am a little scared as well. In a little over five months, a lot in our life is going to change. But I really can't wait to meet our little one.

Here is the picture from our 3 month ultrasound. B says that baby is already practicing for boxing/mixed martial arts, as it has it's guard up. :)

I'll be back with more updates now that I'm ready to be back to blogging!

A Quick Update

Since I orginally posted, things have not gotten much better. We took Jasmine to the vets today (Monday) to have her leg looked at and were told that while they would try surgery, it was not hopeful. Once they opened her up, it was determined that the best thing for her was to amputate her leg...as she would be in pretty bad pain for the rest of her life if she still had her leg. I'm in shock and struggled with the decision all day. I hope it was the right one. I never expected this outcome, and while I have read amazing things about tripod dogs, it doesn't make it easier at the moment. I'm not sure when I'll be back to posting. Right now, I feel I need to hold all my animals closer and spend some more time with them. Jasmine will especially need quite a bit of attention when she returns home tomorrow.

A Sad Return

B and I are back from what was a wonderful and relaxing vacation. More to come on the vacation in a future post.

Unfortunately, the rest and happiness of the vacation did not last upon our return home. We returned to a horse with a hurt foot, Jasmine with a very hurt leg and urinary tract infection, fleas everywhere, our cat Maggie missing, and our cat Tears no longer with us. It was a lot to handle in the middle of the night when we returned home.

The next day did not get better, as we finally found Maggie and she was on the verge of passing away... She passed about 20 minutes after we found her, in my arms. We have no idea what happened. It was a bizarre situation, with no clear culprit...all I know is that it rather devastated me to see her in the state she was in, and to see her take her last breath.

Maggie was a very loving cat. I talked about her back in December when I was trying to help her get better. She never did get totally better, and because of this we had to make the decision to put her outside. It was not my first choice...I'm not a fan of outdoor cats because of what can happen to them, but B and I didn't know what else to do with a cat that had the runs on the floor multiple times a day. The vet didn't know what was wrong, and nothing we tried made her better. She seemed to do fine outside, although she would often try to run back in the house. She really just wanted to be with her people and that was the most important thing to her. She did not deserve what happened to her. I miss having her run at me every time I walk out the door.

Tears was also a very loving cat. She was found before we got home and buried before we could say goodbye. What happened to her is also a mystery. She ended up outside because she had a constant sneezy nose that resulted in snot everywhere. After months of trying to get her better, we couldn't take anymore and thought she could keep Maggie company. She seemed to adapt to the outdoors much easier and didn't seem to mind it as much. Her biggest problem was that she liked to sleep under cars. She loved our dog Jem, and loved us well.

It has been very difficult for me to come to terms with what happened while we were gone. These kitties were our babies, raised from very young and we put a lot of time and effort in to them. They were so loving and probably some of the friendliest cats I've ever had. I worried the most about our animals being ok while we were gone, and I so hoped we would return to all of them as we left them. It is difficult to know that our not being here as usual could have contributed to what happened. It is difficult to know that we planned our vacation with the understanding that our friend would be staying at our farm while we were gone and taking care of the animals...only to have said "friend" leave us hanging high and dry when the time came so we had to scramble to find someone who could at least drop in to check on them a few times a day. It makes me think that taking a vacation when you have a farm is almost impossible.

I am hurting for my animals.

Away we go!

B and I are off to Hawaii tomorrow, bright and early! We'll be back on the 28th late. And then probably spending time getting the farm back in order and with the animals, so it will be a few days before I post. I'm really looking forward to getting away for a bit and relaxing. My biggest concern is that the animals are ok while we are gone, but I'm going to try hard not to worry about it too much...

Enjoy the rest of August everyone!

A Bit Exhausted...

Hello my bloggy friends. I have been MIA. Badly MIA. Summer is proving to be more challenging then I thought. I'm finding it hard to believe that school starts up again soon. Today, I've been trying to start planning for my class that I teach in the fall. Where did summer go? It seems like just yesterday that I was sooo excited for more free time, warm weather and all the fun things that summer brings. Remember the days when it seemed that time went so slowly? I miss those days...

I have been rather tired lately, which has played a part in my not updating much. When tired, I'm not too creative, and not really in the mood to do anything...not even type. I'm hoping this will get better soon. But, who knows?

To update you on all the things I talked about B and I doing...

-Mamma Mia was really quite good. The lead singer was not as good as I would have hoped, but the other cast members made up for it. B really enjoyed it...it was the first time he's seen a play like that. I have a feeling we'll be going to some more in the future.

-I mentioned the fact that we started up with meat goats. A few of you said that you didn't know much about goat meat, or weren't sure you could really raise goats for meat... I know. I've talked on here before about how difficult it is for me to kill any sort of animal. In the past though, my family did raise cattle, and I was ok with it because I distanced myself and never really got attached. We sold the animals that needed to be sold and I had no idea where they went from there. Sure, I had an idea, but it wasn't us doing the killing. It is how I will look at the goats too. We did a bit of research in to goat meat before deciding to take this step. It is actually on the rise in the U.S. as a form of meat, and there is a good market in our area. And believe it or not, goat meat is pretty much the healthiest form of meat out there. I can't say I've tried it...not sure when I will, but I've heard good things about it. So, we are getting started. We've currently got 6 does and 2 billies. We will see what happens with them, and go from there. And believe it or not, we've already had our share of problems. It is amazing how quickly you can learn about goat diseases, etc!

-Chickens! I realize I haven't said much about them in some time. They are pretty much grown up. Our first batch of little ones have started laying. The rest should be laying by September. The chickens continuously make me laugh. When they get hungry, they pretty much attack me and wait for me to feed them. We have 36 right now, but have a few too many roosters, so that number will be going down. I'm still loving the farm fresh eggs and can't really imagine going back to store bought eggs now...

-The horses are doing well. Sugar and Trucker have been behaving and riding quite nicely...for B. I haven't gotten back up yet. We also let our farrier take our thoroughbred for a while for his son. He loves riding Laddie, and we figured it would be good for both the horse and the boy. This way Laddie is getting the exercise he doesn't get while with us at the moment. :) I do miss having the big boy around, but he'll be back by winter I am sure.

-My poor kitty Onyx somehow ended up with a hematoma in his ear. It was the weirdest thing. One day I noticed that he had a bump on his ear, and it just kept getting bigger. His ear started to flop down and we decided it was time to go to the vet. He got surgery today (only way to fix it!), and is currently walking around the house like he is drunk. I have a feeling his ear is going to be permanently damaged because we didn't get it fixed early enough. I guess it adds character, but I do feel bad. We just didn't know any better as to what it was. I'm hoping to post a picture soon.

-All the other animals are doing well. Khloe has gotten humongous and is learning to fetch. Although it has been so hot here lately that playing outside is NOT fun. Humidity is not our friend.

-B and I leave for vacation in a week. We are going to Hawaii. I can't believe it. It is kind of like a late honeymoon for us.

I hope everyone is well. I've still been visiting your blogs, just not commenting as much as I should. I promise to start up again as soon as I get my energy back!