Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A Visitor

This past week my mom was here visiting...which is the main reason that I've been Missing in Action. She stayed for a whole week. Yup. 7 days. It was rather stressful, to be honest.

I love my mom, however, our relationship has never been the best. We are like oil and water...don't mix very well. I can be around her for a few days and then...well, she starts to rub me the wrong way and I get on edge. I have been praying for quite some time for more patience when it comes to my mom, but it has not come easy to me.

It isn't my mom's fault. For many years of my childhood she suffered with being manic depressive. She went undiagnosed for several years. During those years she did some pretty awful things to my sister and I. But, we came out on the other side. I'm not saying that we weren't damaged in the process. We certainly were. There were times when I all I wanted from my mom was a hug, and she pushed me away. Eventually, I stopped wanting hugs from her. Eventually, I stopped trusting her.

After she was diagnosed, and put on medication, my mom got significantly better, although she slept a lot. But a lot of the damage was already done. Although my sister was able to trust her again, I never really shared things with my mom again. I guess I always wondered if she would revert back to her old ways. When my dad got sick, she got sick again. She wasn't able to handle what was happening and after he passed away, she had a mental breakdown. After a few weeks in the hospital, they changed her medicine (she was on something that while controlling her manic tendencies, had in fact depressed her...which is why she was sleeping so much), and I must admit, when she came out, I barely recognized her. She acted so different. It was like the mom I had lost 10 years before when she first started showing her illness. I almost didn't know how to act around her. She was relaxed and happy. She stopped all the nervous ticks she had done for years. She even started volunteering at the church so she could get out of the house. It was amazing, and I was shocked.

Unfortunately, this new mom didn't last. I'm not sure why. I don't know if they changed her medications again, or if the combination of everything was too much, or what it was. But, less then a year after she became the new and improved mom, she started to get worse again. Granted, she never got to the point she was before, but, the nervous ticks returned, and on top of that, she has become a bit of a hypochondriac. I don't think a week goes by when she doesn't call to tell us that something else has happened to her and she has a need for another medication. At times, I can't believe that her doctors continue to treat her. I do feel bad for her, as I think she honestly doesn't know what to do with herself anymore...that she needs attention, and that having things wrong with her is her way to get attention. Unfortunately, all the medication she is on does not do her good. She is honestly quite scatter-brained. An example of this would be her taking my SUV while here (without my knowledge) and backing it in to the bell in our yard. The bell that is about 10 feet out of the driveway. She took it, regardless of the fact that she couldn't see to drive it, and kept driving after running over several bricks and rocks in our flower beds. And was going to keep driving it after hitting the bell, had I not come out to stop her (because yes, I heard her hit the bell). She didn't see anything wrong with it. And that's just one example! Argh. :)

The hardest thing for me when it comes to my mom is that I can't talk to her. I'd love to be able to tell her things that are happening in my life. To seek advice, to share with her. But I can't. Time and again, I have tried, and she has told people things I have asked her not to tell. She has twisted things I have said and started problems that didn't need to be started. There is also a part of me that feels like her hugs and other acts of love aren't genuine. They probably are...but after years of getting pushed away, I can't bring myself to really feel them, or want to reciprocate. And this is coming from someone who loves to cuddle and show affection.

So, with her here visiting, it was hard. I realize that I have only her and my sister left of my immediate family. I long to have a close and loving relationship. I continually try to give her another chance, but with each chance, it becomes harder and harder. I'll keep trying.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


Time is flying by and summer commitments keep me busy. I have a desire to write more, but with so much going on, I sometimes find it hard to find the time. Will I ever find it again? In the past few weeks, B and I have decided to try our hand at becoming meat goat farmers. We have acquired an additional 8 goats in the last few weeks and are busy learning the trade. On top of that, we had our nephew over for a few days, had to hook up electric fence to the horse pasture and I fell off the horse the other day.

Yes, I fell off the horse. After writing my last post, 2 days later, off I went. I guess you could say I had a feeling it was coming. I was actually working her with the person who trained her to try and get her to go past a part of our property that she would give me trouble at every time I rode her. I think in her mind, it was the point where she felt a little too far from "home" and wanted to turn around and go back to her herd. I was trying quite hard to keep her going in the direction I wanted to go, but it didn't quite work. In the process of her turning to go back and attempting to make a break for it, I fell. I didn't get bucked off this time, happily, but slid right out of the saddle. I went chest first into one of our fruit trees...so I bruised a few ribs and my knees. Problem with my little mare is that she is extremely quick. Her movements are so sharp that if you aren't paying attention or ready for it, it is very easy to fall. As I did. This last fall has left me a little scared I must admit. I tried to get back up in the saddle on Saturday, on our very broke horse, but had a bit of a panic attack. Maybe it was the fact I could still feel the pain in my ribs, or maybe it was the fact that he is soooo much taller. I don't know. But I know I just didn't feel comfortable riding. So, I'm taking a bit of a brake. B is going to be doing most of the riding until I feel more confident I guess. I'll get there, but it might take a bit.

We didn't see fireworks on the 4th (I can't remember the last time I saw fireworks...3 years ago?), which was a bit disappointing, but responsibilities called. Instead, B and I spent some quality time together, which is always nice.

Also nice? We are finally starting to get some veggies from our garden. I LOVE eating fresh veggies. Right night we are mostly getting onions and cucumbers, but the tomatoes should be ready soon. The problem we always have is the fact we have WAY too many cucumbers. Any ideas for good recipes? I've actually looked up a cucumber bread, and am going to try pickles again this year (last year, I failed miserably). But, I wonder if anyone has a standby recipe? Let me know, so I can make some good use of these cucumbers besides eating them cut up with ranch dressing!

Tomorrow, B and I are taking some time together to go and see:
I'm really excited and I hope it's good. We both love musical type things and plays. We thought the movie was pretty good (we love the music - the singing may not have been the best, but it was so funny!), so hopefully this will be just as good.

I'll let you know how it is when I post again! :)
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