Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Phone Call

"Are you getting P a Valentine's Day dress?"

"Um, why would I do that?"

"I don't know I just thought you might. I'm thinking of getting her a little something for Valentine's
Day, a little heart and maybe I'll get her a dress."

That was the start of the last conversation I was to have with my mom. I was a little annoyed and not really paying attention to what she was saying. We hadn't been getting along well the past few months because she had decided to go to a wedding in Jamaica, and I didn't agree with her decision to go. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that. I felt bad for my sister because I felt she would be a burden on her (my mom didn't know many people at this wedding and I know my sister was worried my mom was going to want to be with her the entire time and wasn't going to give her a chance to relax and enjoy her vacation with her husband). But really, I was somewhat jealous that my mom was travelling somewhere I would love to go, and I didn't get a chance to go to. And, my mom often annoyed me because we just rubbed each other the wrong had been that way most of my adult life. Not to mention she would call me several times a week and I often didn't have much new to say...but since P was her only grandchild and she didn't get to see her that often, she would call daily to see if she was doing anything new. So, I was somewhat annoyed and not that excited to be talking to my mom this particular day.
I was in the process of cutting sweet potatoes and putting them in the crockpot for dinner when she called, and she realized that I was busy. So after a few more attempts at getting me to talk to her more in depth she told me she would let me go and would talk to me later. I can't for the life of me remember if I told her I loved her. We almost always ended our conversations with I love you, regardless of whether we were getting along or not. But I can't remember the end of this conversation. I can remember everything else we talked about...from her falling at my sister's exhibition, to P going a lot of places...but I can't remember the end of this short 3 minute conversation. It haunts me now, because I never would have thought this would have been our last conversation. The things I would have said if I would have known. I would have put down my knife and waited a few minutes to get the rest of dinner in the crockpot, to let her know what she had to say was important...and that despite being annoyed with her, that I loved her.
If only I had known it was the last time I'd hear her voice.

Monday, October 3, 2011

One year later

It has been almost a year since I updated this blog. Longer then that with a post about my life rather then a letter to my little one. It is amazing what a year can mean in a life. Since my dad got sick and passed, I have known that any month, year, day is not to be taken for granted, but I think, in the 7 years since he passed, that I somehow forgot that. And unfortunately, God decided it was time to remind me once again that there are bigger things in life then all the little things I was stressing over thinking were so important...when they weren't.

When I had my baby, I felt my entire world change. It was as if I had finally found my purpose in life, which I had been searching for for quite some time. I felt like I knew how to be a mom and it came so naturally and was so much what I had hoped for. Although I will not lie and say it was not also a struggle. The changes that came from have a baby were unexpected and I had no idea how to handle them. I lost my "freedom" to do what I wanted when I wanted. Her schedule was now my schedule. There was no midnight runs to the grocery store by myself, no heading out in extremely hot or cold more time to myself for a long time. And, there was NO sleep. I struggled. A lot. Especially after month 4 or 5 when her nursing habits changed and she started waking up every hour and a half. And it kept happening. For months. I believe I probably struggled with a bit of post partum depression. But that is another post. But, it is part of the reason I stopped posting here. I was feeling tired, sad, out of sorts, and didn't want to admit that I might not have been the best mom in the world. I didn't want to be judged, which seems to happen so frequently to moms by other moms. But I digress.

I've found myself in the past year, struggling with old fears and demons. Trying to lose the baby weight brought back many insecurities I thought I had banished 10 years ago or so. But again, that is another post.

Of course many things have happened on our farm as we continue to learn, grow and experiment with new things.

The biggest thing that happened in this year, was beyond life changing. I lost my mom. Just as I was beginning to feel that life was looking up, that I was moving past my grief from losing my dad, that I was appreciating my mom so much more because I understood what it meant to be a mom...God decided he needed her more then I did. It has thrown me into a whirlwind of emotions the last 8 months. Many times I have wanted to write about what I am feeling...but even that is too hard. Lately, I've felt that I need to get it out because it is not helping to keep it in. So here I am, writing again. It may be sporadic. It may not be fun to read, but it will be from the heart and an honest reflection of what I am feeling.
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