Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A Visitor

This past week my mom was here visiting...which is the main reason that I've been Missing in Action. She stayed for a whole week. Yup. 7 days. It was rather stressful, to be honest.

I love my mom, however, our relationship has never been the best. We are like oil and water...don't mix very well. I can be around her for a few days and then...well, she starts to rub me the wrong way and I get on edge. I have been praying for quite some time for more patience when it comes to my mom, but it has not come easy to me.

It isn't my mom's fault. For many years of my childhood she suffered with being manic depressive. She went undiagnosed for several years. During those years she did some pretty awful things to my sister and I. But, we came out on the other side. I'm not saying that we weren't damaged in the process. We certainly were. There were times when I all I wanted from my mom was a hug, and she pushed me away. Eventually, I stopped wanting hugs from her. Eventually, I stopped trusting her.

After she was diagnosed, and put on medication, my mom got significantly better, although she slept a lot. But a lot of the damage was already done. Although my sister was able to trust her again, I never really shared things with my mom again. I guess I always wondered if she would revert back to her old ways. When my dad got sick, she got sick again. She wasn't able to handle what was happening and after he passed away, she had a mental breakdown. After a few weeks in the hospital, they changed her medicine (she was on something that while controlling her manic tendencies, had in fact depressed her...which is why she was sleeping so much), and I must admit, when she came out, I barely recognized her. She acted so different. It was like the mom I had lost 10 years before when she first started showing her illness. I almost didn't know how to act around her. She was relaxed and happy. She stopped all the nervous ticks she had done for years. She even started volunteering at the church so she could get out of the house. It was amazing, and I was shocked.

Unfortunately, this new mom didn't last. I'm not sure why. I don't know if they changed her medications again, or if the combination of everything was too much, or what it was. But, less then a year after she became the new and improved mom, she started to get worse again. Granted, she never got to the point she was before, but, the nervous ticks returned, and on top of that, she has become a bit of a hypochondriac. I don't think a week goes by when she doesn't call to tell us that something else has happened to her and she has a need for another medication. At times, I can't believe that her doctors continue to treat her. I do feel bad for her, as I think she honestly doesn't know what to do with herself anymore...that she needs attention, and that having things wrong with her is her way to get attention. Unfortunately, all the medication she is on does not do her good. She is honestly quite scatter-brained. An example of this would be her taking my SUV while here (without my knowledge) and backing it in to the bell in our yard. The bell that is about 10 feet out of the driveway. She took it, regardless of the fact that she couldn't see to drive it, and kept driving after running over several bricks and rocks in our flower beds. And was going to keep driving it after hitting the bell, had I not come out to stop her (because yes, I heard her hit the bell). She didn't see anything wrong with it. And that's just one example! Argh. :)

The hardest thing for me when it comes to my mom is that I can't talk to her. I'd love to be able to tell her things that are happening in my life. To seek advice, to share with her. But I can't. Time and again, I have tried, and she has told people things I have asked her not to tell. She has twisted things I have said and started problems that didn't need to be started. There is also a part of me that feels like her hugs and other acts of love aren't genuine. They probably are...but after years of getting pushed away, I can't bring myself to really feel them, or want to reciprocate. And this is coming from someone who loves to cuddle and show affection.

So, with her here visiting, it was hard. I realize that I have only her and my sister left of my immediate family. I long to have a close and loving relationship. I continually try to give her another chance, but with each chance, it becomes harder and harder. I'll keep trying.

17 comments:

Lee said...

Thank you for sharing that story about your life. That must be so hard. You just have to know your limits, and when you reach them take some time for you. Hopefully she can find the right meds and the right docs to help her.

Blue said...

i felt such a kinship with your expressions, except for the last three words. something in me stopped trying a couple years ago. something broke, and i just gave up trying.

maybe someday when i'm in a better place, and have healed some more, that will change.

you write so beautifully Wolfie! what a brave, honest, insightful way of sharing your experience. i admire you a great deal, and loved reading this. ♥

Aleta said...

*hugs* I'm so sorry about everything you have been through and continue to feel. It's completely understandable that you don't talk with your mom the way that you want to. If you can't trust someone, you don't want to get hurt. You can love her, but keep important things to yourself. She has a lot of issues and they don't need to affect your love for her, but her issues don't need to become your own as well. And umm, hide the car keys when she comes over...

Sandy said...

What a difficult week you must have had. I'm glad you got through it and hopefully will get back to normal for you. It couldn't have been easy having her with you the whole week. You're doing what you can to deal with all this, past and present, keep up the good work. ((hugs))

glenna said...

Happy Saturday sharefest!
Honey, trust me when I say..I feel for ya. My mother suffered the same. Back in the 60's 70's they didn't seem to know how to attempt treating it. She died when I was in the 8 th grade & my brother in the 4th. OD on sleeping pills(she was a RN)and left us a note.

Bill and Lorie Shewbridge said...

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog during the Saturday SITS fest and leaving a comment re: my BFF Sue - she was definately a friend worth having and I was surely blessed. I'm sorry about the situation with your mom, I have a very rocky relationship with my mom. I haven't seen or spoken to mine in years, HER choice, because of religious differences. I'm glad you are at least trying, it shows that you are a wonderful and loving daughter, and that you have grown into a mature individual dispite the hardship you have gone through. God bless you!

John Cowart said...

What a heavy thing you've been carrying!

The Blonde Duck said...

That's so sad! At least you're trying to have a relationship with her. Families are hard, particuarly members who aren't what we wish they were or imagine they should be.

FROGGITY! said...

thank you for sharing. you are a strong soul. i hope you and your mom can be close someday. sending prayers your way!

hellosweetworld said...

My mom is very similar to yours. I can relate so much to this post and what you've written. My mom is in her own world and i've just come to accept that in the past couple years. Just keep trying and love her for who she is. You can't make her change but you can keep being you!

Sarah Brown said...

How honest and brave of you to share such a personal part of your history. My dad has suffered from manic depression as well and it has always effected my entire family. I will say that it is the glue that sealed the close relationships between myself and my siblings. I know that although our childhood was difficuly it is what made us who we are. My responce when people ask if I am close with my dad is that "I understand who my dad is and I am close as he can let me be".
Thanks again for you post it reminds me that I am not alone in having a family member who struggles with this illness.
Have a great day.
(PS...stopping by from SITS)

Erin said...

Showing you some SITSta love! I'm so sorry that has happened with you and your relationship with your mom hasn't been exactly what you've wanted it to be.

Please always feel free to stop by, and I'll share some comment love!

The Blonde Duck said...

I hope things are better for you!

Kathie @ my net finds said...

an award for you! :-)

http://mynetfinds.blogspot.com/2009/08/youre-gem.html

bj said...

Dear one, I came over from SITS to wish you a great day.
I read your story about your mom..I have just a tad bit of understanding how you must feel. My brother is also manic and I've never in my life had a heartbreak like I have over him. I can't even talk about it without crying. I am in my 70's..he is 60 and, once we were closer than most brothers and sisters but since his illness, he won't see me anymore. My doctor said they usually hurt the ones they love the most...I haven't seen him in over 10 years and my heart and soul is so broken by it.
I am sorry you are going thru this with your mother. Mothers are supposed to 'be there for you', love you, understand you. And, I feel that she WOULD do that but for her illness. My prayers will be going upward for you, your mom and all concerned. Hang in there, sweetness...let's pray things will get better for all.
love, a friend...bj

Debi Kelly Van Cleave said...

That's very hard. Try to keep in mind that she is mentally sick, just like my mom is physically sick. It's just a different kind of sickness and she can't help it. Hopefully that will give you some strength and patience.

www.GreenerPastures--ACityGirlGoesCountry.blogspot.com

Aleta said...

Just dropping by to see how you are doing?

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