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of a dog. It sure seems sooo rough!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
5 years
As I was writing my last post, something struck me. It was this sentence in particular:"I still struggle daily with many of the things that have happened to me over the last 5 years, and yet, I am still able to find joy and happiness in many parts of my life."
5 years. I have spent 5 years of my life grieving for my dad, for regretting things I did after he passed, for hating myself for the hurt I caused people I loved and holding grudges against people that hurt me.
5 years is a really long time to spend angry at oneself, angry at God, and angry at members of your family. And what I have come to realize in thinking about my life the last few weeks/months (been doing a lot of thinking since I found out I was pregnant), is that I've spent far too long in this rut. My anger and sadness have impacted my life in ways that I cannot possibly describe, and in ways that I never would have thought...and I let it continue to do so for far too long.
After my dad passed, I was a terrible mess. I was so terribly unhappy and haunted by what he had gone through and losing him that all I can remember doing during that time period is making trips to the farm on weekends and spending the week days in bed watching seasons of "Friends." I think I really just made my way through in a zombie-like state. I latched on to anything that brought me any form of "happiness," regardless of what it meant to those around me. There were some people that took advantage of this. And others who I hurt terribly in the process. I became a person I did not recognize, but could not find my way back to the person I once knew. Granted, that person would never be the same, but I could not even find some modicum of her in me, even though I wanted to.
Eventually, I worked my way through my grief...it was still there, of course, and I know it will always be there, but I was able to manage my life and function again with a halfway sense of normalcy. I did the best I could to right wrongs I had made...although I could not change them, and the people I hurt forgave me. Yet, I could not forgive myself, and I could not forgive the people that hurt me. I would think about things I did and cringe. I was ashamed and embarrassed.
There have been many times over the last few years as I struggled through a bad period of depression, and felt myself lack motivation and direction in life, that I wondered why? Why did I continue to feel so awful and why could I not pull myself out of the feeling that life just wasn't that enjoyable most of the time? I often let myself wallow in pity for myself, and I can't say it was fun. But even though I had a desire to change, I didn't really want to change. I have gotten better in the last year or so, but not to the point I should be at. And I have come to realize through my reflection, that unless I release my anger, shame and embarrassment, I will never fully get past those things that once happened. I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive the people that hurt me. I need to write a letter to my uncle and move past the hurt that is there. I need to move on and live in the present. The very wonderful present that God has blessed me with...my husband, the baby in my belly, our farm and our families. Yes, the past hurt. It will still hurt at times, but without those experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today. It is time to move on.
5 years is long enough to beat myself up for things that happened. 5 years is long enough to punish others for things they did to me. And starting today, I'm going to make the necessary steps to forgive myself and others. It won't be easy, but I'm going to stop living in the past and move forward.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thoughts on the year gone past...
I've spent the past few weeks reflecting on the past year and re-reading many of my old blog posts. I must admit, I have not spent as much time on this blog in the past few months as I would have liked. It seems when I started to work a lot, my motivation to post went downhill. Then in the summer, when I became pregnant and quite exhausted, I still did not have the motivation. The interesting thing is, that I often find myself writing posts in my head while doing things, but I can never remember them when I actually sit down at the computer (so instead I just read everyone else's posts, but then don't comment...but at least I'm keeping up with you all). I find it a bit sad I have not posted because I really wanted to document my pregnancy and be able to look back on it in years to come.
As I've looked over many of the things I felt were important to blog about, I realize that this year has been full of more challenges and some extreme ups and downs for me. I still struggle daily with many of the things that have happened to me over the last 5 years, and yet, I am still able to find joy and happiness in many parts of my life.
This year, we sold the Christmas tree farm, which was one of my favorite places in the world, and what I felt was one of the last remaining pieces of my dad I really had. B and I spent many hours on the road traveling to and from the farm to bring back what we could use on our farm and in June, I made my last trip there. I still think about it often, especially this time of year, and I will admit, that even though I have not sold Christmas trees the past 2 years, I still miss it. I miss the smell, and the people and the trees. I really enjoyed that part of my life when I did it.
B and I finally went on our honeymoon to Hawaii, right before our one year anniversary. We had a great time and really enjoyed ourselves (although our flights were AWFUL!). We have been married for a year and 3 months now, and I love him more now then I did the day we got married. And of course, our big news for the year is the fact that we are having a baby. Our lives are about to change in a huge way, and I am both nervous and excited for what is to come.
This year on the farm has been a learning experience for us both. We have so many ideas and plans...but we have so much to learn. We added a few new members of the family, with a German Shepherd (Khloe) and a Great Pyrenees (Odie...who we took from his sister recently because she couldn't keep him from wandering off her property). We also lost a few...our kitties Maggie, Mouse and Tears. My dog Jasmine also had to have her leg amputated, which was probably more traumatic for me then for her. We began raising chickens, and love the fresh eggs, but also have found that we have WAY more then we need. Our refrigerator is overflowing with eggs right now, and not enough people to give them to! We also tried to get more in to the meat goat business...and this has been where we have probably learned the most. We are definitely not where we had hoped we would be at this point, and are currently trying to figure out our next step.
I'm not one to really make resolution's as the new year begins. I try to focus more on ways that I can better myself and what would be nice to focus on in the coming year. The biggest things for me are trying to get myself out from underneath all the clutter and items I have accumulated since my dad passed away (I talked about this earlier in the year...and started...but then I got pregnant, and um...it didn't go quite as planned), and trying to be a better wife, and of course a good mother once our baby gets here. On a whole, I would like to be more motivated to accomplish the things around our house that need to be done and can make life easier on B. I'm not the best at this, and it is a constant challenge that I must work on.
I have also set a goal for myself to return to this blog. I have missed writing and that was the reason I started this blog in the first place. Writing has always been a good outlet for me, however, sometimes I just let other things get in the way...
I'll finish by posting some of the more meaningful (to me) posts from this past year:
- 6 months of marriage
- Religion
- Forgiveness
- My Relationship with my Mom
As I've looked over many of the things I felt were important to blog about, I realize that this year has been full of more challenges and some extreme ups and downs for me. I still struggle daily with many of the things that have happened to me over the last 5 years, and yet, I am still able to find joy and happiness in many parts of my life.
This year, we sold the Christmas tree farm, which was one of my favorite places in the world, and what I felt was one of the last remaining pieces of my dad I really had. B and I spent many hours on the road traveling to and from the farm to bring back what we could use on our farm and in June, I made my last trip there. I still think about it often, especially this time of year, and I will admit, that even though I have not sold Christmas trees the past 2 years, I still miss it. I miss the smell, and the people and the trees. I really enjoyed that part of my life when I did it.
B and I finally went on our honeymoon to Hawaii, right before our one year anniversary. We had a great time and really enjoyed ourselves (although our flights were AWFUL!). We have been married for a year and 3 months now, and I love him more now then I did the day we got married. And of course, our big news for the year is the fact that we are having a baby. Our lives are about to change in a huge way, and I am both nervous and excited for what is to come.
This year on the farm has been a learning experience for us both. We have so many ideas and plans...but we have so much to learn. We added a few new members of the family, with a German Shepherd (Khloe) and a Great Pyrenees (Odie...who we took from his sister recently because she couldn't keep him from wandering off her property). We also lost a few...our kitties Maggie, Mouse and Tears. My dog Jasmine also had to have her leg amputated, which was probably more traumatic for me then for her. We began raising chickens, and love the fresh eggs, but also have found that we have WAY more then we need. Our refrigerator is overflowing with eggs right now, and not enough people to give them to! We also tried to get more in to the meat goat business...and this has been where we have probably learned the most. We are definitely not where we had hoped we would be at this point, and are currently trying to figure out our next step.I'm not one to really make resolution's as the new year begins. I try to focus more on ways that I can better myself and what would be nice to focus on in the coming year. The biggest things for me are trying to get myself out from underneath all the clutter and items I have accumulated since my dad passed away (I talked about this earlier in the year...and started...but then I got pregnant, and um...it didn't go quite as planned), and trying to be a better wife, and of course a good mother once our baby gets here. On a whole, I would like to be more motivated to accomplish the things around our house that need to be done and can make life easier on B. I'm not the best at this, and it is a constant challenge that I must work on.
I have also set a goal for myself to return to this blog. I have missed writing and that was the reason I started this blog in the first place. Writing has always been a good outlet for me, however, sometimes I just let other things get in the way...
I'll finish by posting some of the more meaningful (to me) posts from this past year:
- 6 months of marriage
- Religion
- Forgiveness
- My Relationship with my Mom
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Merry SITSmas!
MERRY SITSMAS to You and Yours!!!
B and I have had a very busy year, full of exciting news (we're having a baby!), fun trips (Hawaii), and the addition of more animals to our farm (goats, more dogs and chickens). We feel very blessed to have what we have, and hope that the holiday season and new year bring you much joy and happiness!
Love, Wolf, B, and all our babies (Chief, Jem, Jasmine, Jackson, Juju, Odie, Kaos, Cynder, Khloe, Onyx, Lucky, Maya, Smoke, Speck, Dakota, Mama Cat, Wild Cat, Tom Cat, Mean Cat, Sugar, Trucker, Spice, Bolt, Striker, Stinky, Jack, Billy, Goat #26, Goat #27, Goat #28, and Goat #29).
Go join the party and see everyone else over at SITS for SITSmas!
And visit some of my favorite SITStas:
Ann over at Pottamus! Where?
HelloSweetWorld
Yaya over at YaYa Stuff
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Puberty, Take 2
"Ms. Wolf, what happened to your face? Around your mouth there?" ~ First grader
"One second Peige, let me finish talking to Larissa." ~Me (I always hope when I don't want to talk about something that putting them off for a minute will make them forget about it...luckily in this case it worked).
I can remember back when I was 12 and I began to "change into a woman." The embarrassment I felt at the changes my body was going through, and the wonderful pimples that began to appear on my face. It was sure a relief when I got out of that stage, and the horrible break outs (although not all the pimples...yay, stress) stopped.
Little did I know, that pregnancy would make my face break out like I was going through puberty again! I of course, understand why this is happening, but must admit at 27, it is sometimes hard to accept. Especially when a first grader feels it necessary to bring it to my attention (even though she didn't know any better). Here's to hoping that my pregnancy glow comes soon, and it isn't caused by a number of shiny pimples! :)
"One second Peige, let me finish talking to Larissa." ~Me (I always hope when I don't want to talk about something that putting them off for a minute will make them forget about it...luckily in this case it worked).
I can remember back when I was 12 and I began to "change into a woman." The embarrassment I felt at the changes my body was going through, and the wonderful pimples that began to appear on my face. It was sure a relief when I got out of that stage, and the horrible break outs (although not all the pimples...yay, stress) stopped.
Little did I know, that pregnancy would make my face break out like I was going through puberty again! I of course, understand why this is happening, but must admit at 27, it is sometimes hard to accept. Especially when a first grader feels it necessary to bring it to my attention (even though she didn't know any better). Here's to hoping that my pregnancy glow comes soon, and it isn't caused by a number of shiny pimples! :)
Friday, November 13, 2009
Blah.
This has been me lately.
I must admit that I've been feeling pretty good for being pregnant. With the exception of being overwhelmingly tired. I work, I come home and collapse on the couch. I have no desire to do anything when I get home, and it has been a bit trying on me. And probably on B, because I'm honestly not getting much done around the house. I have been subbing about 4 times a week, and teaching a class at the university 2 times a week. The class at the university ends on Monday, and I am extremely happy that I will have a bit of my time back. I keep saying I'm going to cut back on subbing as well, but it is hard when I want to make some money before taking time off when the baby is born. I do need to start thinking less about money (hard to do!) though, and more about how important it is to spend time with my hubby. Because he doesn't get weekends off, he has 2 days off during the week. I used to not work at least one of those days so we got to spend time together, and I haven't even been doing that. In a few months, we won't have the time we have to ourselves now, and I know we should take advantage of it. I really need to work on changing my mindset...especially because I really miss my hubby. It is ok to say no to a day of subbing, and money is honestly not the most important thing in the world...
One thing I have really noticed since being pregnant is that I've thought about my dad A LOT. About how proud he would have been to have a granddaughter (yes, we found out we are having a girl!), and how he would have spoiled her rotten. My dad was amazing with kids. He would have wanted to have his grandchildren visit often, would have taken them on trips, and taught them all the useful information he passed on to my sister and I. I can't help but think of the huge gap that will be left in my daughter's life because she will never know her amazing grandfather. Especially because I still miss him so much. I will of course tell her what an amazing man her grandfather was, and pass on my memories, but it won't be the same. And sometimes that is hard to swallow.
I must admit that I've been feeling pretty good for being pregnant. With the exception of being overwhelmingly tired. I work, I come home and collapse on the couch. I have no desire to do anything when I get home, and it has been a bit trying on me. And probably on B, because I'm honestly not getting much done around the house. I have been subbing about 4 times a week, and teaching a class at the university 2 times a week. The class at the university ends on Monday, and I am extremely happy that I will have a bit of my time back. I keep saying I'm going to cut back on subbing as well, but it is hard when I want to make some money before taking time off when the baby is born. I do need to start thinking less about money (hard to do!) though, and more about how important it is to spend time with my hubby. Because he doesn't get weekends off, he has 2 days off during the week. I used to not work at least one of those days so we got to spend time together, and I haven't even been doing that. In a few months, we won't have the time we have to ourselves now, and I know we should take advantage of it. I really need to work on changing my mindset...especially because I really miss my hubby. It is ok to say no to a day of subbing, and money is honestly not the most important thing in the world...One thing I have really noticed since being pregnant is that I've thought about my dad A LOT. About how proud he would have been to have a granddaughter (yes, we found out we are having a girl!), and how he would have spoiled her rotten. My dad was amazing with kids. He would have wanted to have his grandchildren visit often, would have taken them on trips, and taught them all the useful information he passed on to my sister and I. I can't help but think of the huge gap that will be left in my daughter's life because she will never know her amazing grandfather. Especially because I still miss him so much. I will of course tell her what an amazing man her grandfather was, and pass on my memories, but it won't be the same. And sometimes that is hard to swallow.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
A Dream
The other night, I had a dream. In this dream, our baby had been born, and it was a little girl. I was somehow still pregnant, even though I'd just given birth. We were new parents, and everyone was coming to visit to see the newest member of our family. Of course, everyone loved her and couldn't stop talking about how adorable she was.
One night, B and I went to sleep (it was sometime very soon after our daughter was born), and when we woke up in the morning, we both commented on how surprised we were that our daughter had slept through the night. When we went in to check on her, we found that she was missing. We began to look all over and couldn't find her anywhere. It was terrifying.
Eventually, we got in the car to go look somewhere else and when I looked in the back seat, she was in her car seat-not moving.We had apparently left her there the entire afternoon/night and it had been very hot.
I freaked out and for some reason B did not. He kept telling me that it was ok, because I was pregnant and we would have another baby soon. For some reason, I thought he was trying to tell me that we could cover it up and no one would know. Which I thought was ridiculous. And I was upset because what kind of parents could we be to not notice that we left our child in the car for that long?
It was at this point that I was awoken by the alarm. I was pretty freaked out.
This is the first dream I have had like this (I have had a lot of weird dreams since I became pregnant, many featuring my dad...) and it did disturb me a bit. It left me wondering if it was a reflection of the worries I have about how good of a parent I will be. I will admit, I am scared. Scared of not knowing what to do once our baby gets here. Not knowing how to calm it when crying, not knowing how I will react to not getting sleep, not knowing how life is going to change. Not knowing how I will deal with our child when he or she reaches the teen years (yes, I am even thinking that far ahead). How do I know I won't mess our baby up? Or leave it in the car?
One night, B and I went to sleep (it was sometime very soon after our daughter was born), and when we woke up in the morning, we both commented on how surprised we were that our daughter had slept through the night. When we went in to check on her, we found that she was missing. We began to look all over and couldn't find her anywhere. It was terrifying.
Eventually, we got in the car to go look somewhere else and when I looked in the back seat, she was in her car seat-not moving.We had apparently left her there the entire afternoon/night and it had been very hot.
I freaked out and for some reason B did not. He kept telling me that it was ok, because I was pregnant and we would have another baby soon. For some reason, I thought he was trying to tell me that we could cover it up and no one would know. Which I thought was ridiculous. And I was upset because what kind of parents could we be to not notice that we left our child in the car for that long?
It was at this point that I was awoken by the alarm. I was pretty freaked out.
This is the first dream I have had like this (I have had a lot of weird dreams since I became pregnant, many featuring my dad...) and it did disturb me a bit. It left me wondering if it was a reflection of the worries I have about how good of a parent I will be. I will admit, I am scared. Scared of not knowing what to do once our baby gets here. Not knowing how to calm it when crying, not knowing how I will react to not getting sleep, not knowing how life is going to change. Not knowing how I will deal with our child when he or she reaches the teen years (yes, I am even thinking that far ahead). How do I know I won't mess our baby up? Or leave it in the car?
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