Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Goodbye...

I've started to write this post a million times, but have never felt that I could explain fully what I am feeling... If you are pretty new to my blog and aren't sure what I am talking about in regards to the farm, you probably want to read this post.

I am home from what was most likely my last trip to the farm. It was beyond difficult. Devastating actually. It was so hard for me to see all the equipment my dad worked so hard to get sell for significantly less then it was worth. The whole experience was so emotional for me. To see the barn empty. To leave the house for the last time. The familiar smells I'll no longer smell...so many memories from there. A dream that can no longer be fulfilled...I sobbed a lot of the way home. I've never known life without the farm...without Christmas trees or that house. Without the view from the back porch, or looking out and seeing all those trees. I was sad knowing that my dad walked along that ground and worked so hard on so many of those trees. That we worked alongside each other there. It was the last place we had in the family like that. Every thing else was sold immediately after he passed. Now, it too is gone. In a way, I feel like I've lost my dad again. The auction was just plain frustrating. I can't change anything though, so I'm trying hard not to dwell on it. I wish that more of our stuff would have gone to people that we knew...I actually felt bad when they did not get the things that they were bidding on...in part because I know my dad would have wanted them to have them, and because I wanted them to have them too. I wish the auctioneer had not been a pain in the arse.
I am still sad. I think I am in denial. I also think I am grieving the loss of something so important. I don't think it helps that I continue to grieve for my dad almost 5 years later. I am hopeful though that I will be able to move on in the coming months now that everything is over. It will not be easy. But this portion of my life is over, as difficult as it may be for me. It is time to start fresh and begin again. I hope also that this will help me figure out what I should be doing with my life.

I'll leave you with a picture I took of one of the Amish kids at the auction. He made me smile.

9 comments:

ann ominous said...

just thinking about you.

be well

FROGGITY! said...

i hope you're doing alright! i know that must have been so hard.

it's sweet that you left this post on such a cute note. that child is darling.

The Parker Family said...

Oh, Heather... I'm sorry this has been such a difficult process and time for you. I hope you can somehow find peace with it all. I'm sure your dad is so proud of you and all you've done to take care of the farm since his passing.
Megan

Kathie @ my net finds said...

My heart goes out to you, I can feel your pain in your writing...I am so sorry and I hope that each day will get a little bit easier for you!

Aleta said...

*sending hugs and prayers* I was worried about you, knowing this would be saying goodbye after reading all of your posts about your father's land and how much it meant to you - it's not the land, it's the memories. Just remember, you have those in your heart and they are the most precious of all things, the memories.

Jen said...

Stopping by from SITs. Love your blog, great pictures.

Melissa B. said...

Stories like this bring the struggles of real Americans to life. Thanks so much for sharing. SITS sent me this morning...TGIF!

Carla said...

How bittersweet. Be glad you feel, many do not. But don't let it stop you from progressing. What a perfect Father's Day post. Life lived, and loved:)

Karen Thompson said...

Stopping by from SITs. Love your blog, great pictures.

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