I've started to write this post a million times, but have never felt that I could explain fully what I am feeling... If you are pretty new to my blog and aren't sure what I am talking about in regards to the farm, you probably want to read this post.
I am home from what was most likely my last trip to the farm. It was beyond difficult. Devastating actually. It was so hard for me to see all the equipment my dad worked so hard to get sell for significantly less then it was worth. The whole experience was so emotional for me. To see the barn empty. To leave the house for the last time. The familiar smells I'll no longer smell...so many memories from there. A dream that can no longer be fulfilled...I sobbed a lot of the way home. I've never known life without the farm...without Christmas trees or that house. Without the view from the back porch, or looking out and seeing all those trees. I was sad knowing that my dad walked along that ground and worked so hard on so many of those trees. That we worked alongside each other there. It was the last place we had in the family like that. Every thing else was sold immediately after he passed. Now, it too is gone. In a way, I feel like I've lost my dad again. The auction was just plain frustrating. I can't change anything though, so I'm trying hard not to dwell on it. I wish that more of our stuff would have gone to people that we knew...I actually felt bad when they did not get the things that they were bidding on...in part because I know my dad would have wanted them to have them, and because I wanted them to have them too. I wish the auctioneer had not been a pain in the arse.
I am still sad. I think I am in denial. I also think I am grieving the loss of something so important. I don't think it helps that I continue to grieve for my dad almost 5 years later. I am hopeful though that I will be able to move on in the coming months now that everything is over. It will not be easy. But this portion of my life is over, as difficult as it may be for me. It is time to start fresh and begin again. I hope also that this will help me figure out what I should be doing with my life.
I'll leave you with a picture I took of one of the Amish kids at the auction. He made me smile.