Sunday, June 21, 2009

Moving Forward

The last few weeks have been difficult for me. I haven't really known how to handle them or really, how to feel. In nine days, the sale of the farm will be final. It is time for me to move forward. I need to move on from living in the past and the things I once wanted, but didn't succeed at keeping. I just have to figure out how.

I need to remember all the wonderful things that I have in my life. I have an amazing husband who treats me so well and does whatever he can for me. I have a beautiful house, my animals and for the most part, my health. My life isn't awful. Or that difficult. I think I just have an incredibly hard time remembering that because I get so overwhelmed by the things that are not so positive or have gone wrong. For almost five years, I have lived with the grief of losing my dad. With everything that happened after that, I continued to feel sad and lost. I lived more in the sad things then in the happy things. Almost as if I was afraid to let myself feel that happiness again...because I was so scared that it would be taken away like it was before.

I have a lot of fear. Fear that my depression will return. Fear that I'll never find the one thing in life that I'm meant to do. Fear that I will never stop grieving so terribly for my dad. I never used to have this fear. And I don't know how to make it go away.

My initial goal is to get myself out from underneath all the crap I feel I have in my life. I have brought so many material things with me that sometimes I feel like they smother me! I have always been very sentimental and find it really hard to get rid of anything that might be worth something or has some sentimental value. That has made getting our house organized very difficult. And one of the things that bothers me a lot right now on a day to day basis is the clutter and disorganization of our house. I want to have things put in their place. So, I have to set my mind to start getting rid of stuff. A half hour a day working at this should yield tremendous results I hope.

My other goal is to start to appreciate everything that I have. To focus on all the happy things and the things that make me happy. It probably won't be easy for me at first, but I am going to try hard. Here are two things that make me very happy:

Our boy Kaos enjoying the new "pool" we got him and Cynder to help them cool off on hot days.

Our very quickly growing puppy Khloe. She is such a treat.

I hope you'll bear with me as I try to figure all this out!


cheapbychoice said...

Good luck! Remember to take one day at a time. It is the only way to survive difficult times.

Reviewer11 said...

You sound like a very intelligent person. You can do it, just take one step at a time. Baby steps. If it helps, think that your dad would want to see you happy. Surround yourself on positive things and try not to let your mind wander on the negative. Sending you lots of comforting hugs **

From a SITSta. :)

Design it Chic said...

I'm sorry to read about the farm! Yet somehow you sound like a pretty complex person, and i bet you're gonna find something else to invest yourself into!Wish you all the best!
Have a nice week!And thanks for stopping by my blog the other day!

ann ominous said...


Due to the week from hell,last week, we'll be hiring an academic's an hour and a half commute sound? :-)

it's going to take me some time with the horse-riding too...Colors is 23 and he's acting like he's green-broke right now. not so much in the saddle but in the stall and on the ground.


What A Card said...

Good luck to's not an easy journey.

I, too, have trouble getting rid of stuff. I found a great way, though: freecycle. I know,that sounds silly, but I felt like it wasn't worth the $10 or so dollars I could sell things for on craigslist or at a garage sale or something. But when I started giving my stuff away, and seeing how it made people so happy (well, at least some people...others I didn't hear much from), I felt a lot more content getting rid of things with meaning to me.

Of course I wasn't getting rid of anything that valuable...maybe $200 total worth of stuff (with most worth about $5 to $10. It would have been a drag to try to sell it all!)

Cindy said...

We'll be here, don't you worry about us! Take care of you :)

Look at those "babies", just beautiful...

Carla said...

Aren't you wise? To recognize were you are, and what you are feeling, so mature (at any age). Stay away from that pit of depression. And BIG blessings as you put your life in order and allow yourself to enjoy where you are right now:)

Dorkys Ramos said...

Oh I can relate so much to what you're going through right now. To know that there's a better way to live, but still be unsure as to how to get to that point. I also focus on the things that are less than stellar instead of being grateful for all the blessings in my life. It's a hard habit to kick and it's just a work in progress. Take baby steps and don't think about how long or hard the road ahead seems. Sooner or later you'll get there without even realizing it if you do a little each day :)

Donn24g said...

keep on swimming... keep on swimming. You're doing the best you can:)

The Blonde Duck said...

You poor thing. I hope you feel better! Losing a parent must be heartwrenching.

Yaya said...

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry for your sadness. I hope that peace finds you!

hellosweetworld said...

Girl, i'm here for ya even though it's over the internet...hehe. Hopefully now that all the farm stuff is over-with you can move on and start your final healing process. Just take it day by day and think happy thoughts!

Your pets are so cute :)

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