The last few weeks have been difficult for me. I haven't really known how to handle them or really, how to feel. In nine days, the sale of the farm will be final. It is time for me to move forward. I need to move on from living in the past and the things I once wanted, but didn't succeed at keeping. I just have to figure out how.
I need to remember all the wonderful things that I have in my life. I have an amazing husband who treats me so well and does whatever he can for me. I have a beautiful house, my animals and for the most part, my health. My life isn't awful. Or that difficult. I think I just have an incredibly hard time remembering that because I get so overwhelmed by the things that are not so positive or have gone wrong. For almost five years, I have lived with the grief of losing my dad. With everything that happened after that, I continued to feel sad and lost. I lived more in the sad things then in the happy things. Almost as if I was afraid to let myself feel that happiness again...because I was so scared that it would be taken away like it was before.
I have a lot of fear. Fear that my depression will return. Fear that I'll never find the one thing in life that I'm meant to do. Fear that I will never stop grieving so terribly for my dad. I never used to have this fear. And I don't know how to make it go away.
My initial goal is to get myself out from underneath all the crap I feel I have in my life. I have brought so many material things with me that sometimes I feel like they smother me! I have always been very sentimental and find it really hard to get rid of anything that might be worth something or has some sentimental value. That has made getting our house organized very difficult. And one of the things that bothers me a lot right now on a day to day basis is the clutter and disorganization of our house. I want to have things put in their place. So, I have to set my mind to start getting rid of stuff. A half hour a day working at this should yield tremendous results I hope.
My other goal is to start to appreciate everything that I have. To focus on all the happy things and the things that make me happy. It probably won't be easy for me at first, but I am going to try hard. Here are two things that make me very happy: