A Sad Return

B and I are back from what was a wonderful and relaxing vacation. More to come on the vacation in a future post.

Unfortunately, the rest and happiness of the vacation did not last upon our return home. We returned to a horse with a hurt foot, Jasmine with a very hurt leg and urinary tract infection, fleas everywhere, our cat Maggie missing, and our cat Tears no longer with us. It was a lot to handle in the middle of the night when we returned home.

The next day did not get better, as we finally found Maggie and she was on the verge of passing away... She passed about 20 minutes after we found her, in my arms. We have no idea what happened. It was a bizarre situation, with no clear culprit...all I know is that it rather devastated me to see her in the state she was in, and to see her take her last breath.

Maggie was a very loving cat. I talked about her back in December when I was trying to help her get better. She never did get totally better, and because of this we had to make the decision to put her outside. It was not my first choice...I'm not a fan of outdoor cats because of what can happen to them, but B and I didn't know what else to do with a cat that had the runs on the floor multiple times a day. The vet didn't know what was wrong, and nothing we tried made her better. She seemed to do fine outside, although she would often try to run back in the house. She really just wanted to be with her people and that was the most important thing to her. She did not deserve what happened to her. I miss having her run at me every time I walk out the door.

Tears was also a very loving cat. She was found before we got home and buried before we could say goodbye. What happened to her is also a mystery. She ended up outside because she had a constant sneezy nose that resulted in snot everywhere. After months of trying to get her better, we couldn't take anymore and thought she could keep Maggie company. She seemed to adapt to the outdoors much easier and didn't seem to mind it as much. Her biggest problem was that she liked to sleep under cars. She loved our dog Jem, and loved us well.

It has been very difficult for me to come to terms with what happened while we were gone. These kitties were our babies, raised from very young and we put a lot of time and effort in to them. They were so loving and probably some of the friendliest cats I've ever had. I worried the most about our animals being ok while we were gone, and I so hoped we would return to all of them as we left them. It is difficult to know that our not being here as usual could have contributed to what happened. It is difficult to know that we planned our vacation with the understanding that our friend would be staying at our farm while we were gone and taking care of the animals...only to have said "friend" leave us hanging high and dry when the time came so we had to scramble to find someone who could at least drop in to check on them a few times a day. It makes me think that taking a vacation when you have a farm is almost impossible.

I am hurting for my animals.

Away we go!

B and I are off to Hawaii tomorrow, bright and early! We'll be back on the 28th late. And then probably spending time getting the farm back in order and with the animals, so it will be a few days before I post. I'm really looking forward to getting away for a bit and relaxing. My biggest concern is that the animals are ok while we are gone, but I'm going to try hard not to worry about it too much...

Enjoy the rest of August everyone!

A Bit Exhausted...

Hello my bloggy friends. I have been MIA. Badly MIA. Summer is proving to be more challenging then I thought. I'm finding it hard to believe that school starts up again soon. Today, I've been trying to start planning for my class that I teach in the fall. Where did summer go? It seems like just yesterday that I was sooo excited for more free time, warm weather and all the fun things that summer brings. Remember the days when it seemed that time went so slowly? I miss those days...

I have been rather tired lately, which has played a part in my not updating much. When tired, I'm not too creative, and not really in the mood to do anything...not even type. I'm hoping this will get better soon. But, who knows?

To update you on all the things I talked about B and I doing...

-Mamma Mia was really quite good. The lead singer was not as good as I would have hoped, but the other cast members made up for it. B really enjoyed it...it was the first time he's seen a play like that. I have a feeling we'll be going to some more in the future.

-I mentioned the fact that we started up with meat goats. A few of you said that you didn't know much about goat meat, or weren't sure you could really raise goats for meat... I know. I've talked on here before about how difficult it is for me to kill any sort of animal. In the past though, my family did raise cattle, and I was ok with it because I distanced myself and never really got attached. We sold the animals that needed to be sold and I had no idea where they went from there. Sure, I had an idea, but it wasn't us doing the killing. It is how I will look at the goats too. We did a bit of research in to goat meat before deciding to take this step. It is actually on the rise in the U.S. as a form of meat, and there is a good market in our area. And believe it or not, goat meat is pretty much the healthiest form of meat out there. I can't say I've tried it...not sure when I will, but I've heard good things about it. So, we are getting started. We've currently got 6 does and 2 billies. We will see what happens with them, and go from there. And believe it or not, we've already had our share of problems. It is amazing how quickly you can learn about goat diseases, etc!

-Chickens! I realize I haven't said much about them in some time. They are pretty much grown up. Our first batch of little ones have started laying. The rest should be laying by September. The chickens continuously make me laugh. When they get hungry, they pretty much attack me and wait for me to feed them. We have 36 right now, but have a few too many roosters, so that number will be going down. I'm still loving the farm fresh eggs and can't really imagine going back to store bought eggs now...

-The horses are doing well. Sugar and Trucker have been behaving and riding quite nicely...for B. I haven't gotten back up yet. We also let our farrier take our thoroughbred for a while for his son. He loves riding Laddie, and we figured it would be good for both the horse and the boy. This way Laddie is getting the exercise he doesn't get while with us at the moment. :) I do miss having the big boy around, but he'll be back by winter I am sure.

-My poor kitty Onyx somehow ended up with a hematoma in his ear. It was the weirdest thing. One day I noticed that he had a bump on his ear, and it just kept getting bigger. His ear started to flop down and we decided it was time to go to the vet. He got surgery today (only way to fix it!), and is currently walking around the house like he is drunk. I have a feeling his ear is going to be permanently damaged because we didn't get it fixed early enough. I guess it adds character, but I do feel bad. We just didn't know any better as to what it was. I'm hoping to post a picture soon.

-All the other animals are doing well. Khloe has gotten humongous and is learning to fetch. Although it has been so hot here lately that playing outside is NOT fun. Humidity is not our friend.

-B and I leave for vacation in a week. We are going to Hawaii. I can't believe it. It is kind of like a late honeymoon for us.

I hope everyone is well. I've still been visiting your blogs, just not commenting as much as I should. I promise to start up again as soon as I get my energy back!

A Visitor

This past week my mom was here visiting...which is the main reason that I've been Missing in Action. She stayed for a whole week. Yup. 7 days. It was rather stressful, to be honest.

I love my mom, however, our relationship has never been the best. We are like oil and water...don't mix very well. I can be around her for a few days and then...well, she starts to rub me the wrong way and I get on edge. I have been praying for quite some time for more patience when it comes to my mom, but it has not come easy to me.

It isn't my mom's fault. For many years of my childhood she suffered with being manic depressive. She went undiagnosed for several years. During those years she did some pretty awful things to my sister and I. But, we came out on the other side. I'm not saying that we weren't damaged in the process. We certainly were. There were times when I all I wanted from my mom was a hug, and she pushed me away. Eventually, I stopped wanting hugs from her. Eventually, I stopped trusting her.

After she was diagnosed, and put on medication, my mom got significantly better, although she slept a lot. But a lot of the damage was already done. Although my sister was able to trust her again, I never really shared things with my mom again. I guess I always wondered if she would revert back to her old ways. When my dad got sick, she got sick again. She wasn't able to handle what was happening and after he passed away, she had a mental breakdown. After a few weeks in the hospital, they changed her medicine (she was on something that while controlling her manic tendencies, had in fact depressed her...which is why she was sleeping so much), and I must admit, when she came out, I barely recognized her. She acted so different. It was like the mom I had lost 10 years before when she first started showing her illness. I almost didn't know how to act around her. She was relaxed and happy. She stopped all the nervous ticks she had done for years. She even started volunteering at the church so she could get out of the house. It was amazing, and I was shocked.

Unfortunately, this new mom didn't last. I'm not sure why. I don't know if they changed her medications again, or if the combination of everything was too much, or what it was. But, less then a year after she became the new and improved mom, she started to get worse again. Granted, she never got to the point she was before, but, the nervous ticks returned, and on top of that, she has become a bit of a hypochondriac. I don't think a week goes by when she doesn't call to tell us that something else has happened to her and she has a need for another medication. At times, I can't believe that her doctors continue to treat her. I do feel bad for her, as I think she honestly doesn't know what to do with herself anymore...that she needs attention, and that having things wrong with her is her way to get attention. Unfortunately, all the medication she is on does not do her good. She is honestly quite scatter-brained. An example of this would be her taking my SUV while here (without my knowledge) and backing it in to the bell in our yard. The bell that is about 10 feet out of the driveway. She took it, regardless of the fact that she couldn't see to drive it, and kept driving after running over several bricks and rocks in our flower beds. And was going to keep driving it after hitting the bell, had I not come out to stop her (because yes, I heard her hit the bell). She didn't see anything wrong with it. And that's just one example! Argh. :)

The hardest thing for me when it comes to my mom is that I can't talk to her. I'd love to be able to tell her things that are happening in my life. To seek advice, to share with her. But I can't. Time and again, I have tried, and she has told people things I have asked her not to tell. She has twisted things I have said and started problems that didn't need to be started. There is also a part of me that feels like her hugs and other acts of love aren't genuine. They probably are...but after years of getting pushed away, I can't bring myself to really feel them, or want to reciprocate. And this is coming from someone who loves to cuddle and show affection.

So, with her here visiting, it was hard. I realize that I have only her and my sister left of my immediate family. I long to have a close and loving relationship. I continually try to give her another chance, but with each chance, it becomes harder and harder. I'll keep trying.

Update.

Time is flying by and summer commitments keep me busy. I have a desire to write more, but with so much going on, I sometimes find it hard to find the time. Will I ever find it again? In the past few weeks, B and I have decided to try our hand at becoming meat goat farmers. We have acquired an additional 8 goats in the last few weeks and are busy learning the trade. On top of that, we had our nephew over for a few days, had to hook up electric fence to the horse pasture and I fell off the horse the other day.

Yes, I fell off the horse. After writing my last post, 2 days later, off I went. I guess you could say I had a feeling it was coming. I was actually working her with the person who trained her to try and get her to go past a part of our property that she would give me trouble at every time I rode her. I think in her mind, it was the point where she felt a little too far from "home" and wanted to turn around and go back to her herd. I was trying quite hard to keep her going in the direction I wanted to go, but it didn't quite work. In the process of her turning to go back and attempting to make a break for it, I fell. I didn't get bucked off this time, happily, but slid right out of the saddle. I went chest first into one of our fruit trees...so I bruised a few ribs and my knees. Problem with my little mare is that she is extremely quick. Her movements are so sharp that if you aren't paying attention or ready for it, it is very easy to fall. As I did. This last fall has left me a little scared I must admit. I tried to get back up in the saddle on Saturday, on our very broke horse, but had a bit of a panic attack. Maybe it was the fact I could still feel the pain in my ribs, or maybe it was the fact that he is soooo much taller. I don't know. But I know I just didn't feel comfortable riding. So, I'm taking a bit of a brake. B is going to be doing most of the riding until I feel more confident I guess. I'll get there, but it might take a bit.

We didn't see fireworks on the 4th (I can't remember the last time I saw fireworks...3 years ago?), which was a bit disappointing, but responsibilities called. Instead, B and I spent some quality time together, which is always nice.

Also nice? We are finally starting to get some veggies from our garden. I LOVE eating fresh veggies. Right night we are mostly getting onions and cucumbers, but the tomatoes should be ready soon. The problem we always have is the fact we have WAY too many cucumbers. Any ideas for good recipes? I've actually looked up a cucumber bread, and am going to try pickles again this year (last year, I failed miserably). But, I wonder if anyone has a standby recipe? Let me know, so I can make some good use of these cucumbers besides eating them cut up with ranch dressing!

Tomorrow, B and I are taking some time together to go and see:
I'm really excited and I hope it's good. We both love musical type things and plays. We thought the movie was pretty good (we love the music - the singing may not have been the best, but it was so funny!), so hopefully this will be just as good.

I'll let you know how it is when I post again! :)

A Riding We Go...

Wow, where did the month of June go? I feel like just yesterday it was getting warm out and I was anxious for the last day of school to come. Now, we are almost to July, a month that will bring a few small nights out for B and I, and a visit from my mom.

I realize that I never posted pictures of my horses and goats. I will do that sometime in the next week. This past month, we had two of our three-year olds broke. They finished about a week and a half ago, and now it is up to B and I to keep them going with their training. This has not been an easy process for either of us...especially me.

Three years ago, I adopted three, week-old foals from a rescue. I always wanted horses, but more to ride then to raise as babies (I was concerned with the amount of care they would need and the likelihood of death is so high). However, my friend convinced me to adopt these three. I waited and waited for them to be old enough to ride. At the time, they were up at the farm, and they stayed there even after B and I bought our farm, as there wasn't time to get them at first. As we were waiting to bring them down, we took in 4 more horses. Two young babies, one retired police horse, and one as a foster to be a friend to the police horse until we could bring my horses down. I was excited because we finally had horses that were old enough to ride.

I don't pretend to be an expert rider. In fact, I MAY be considered a novice, but probably more of a beginner. I have ridden several times, but never taken lessons. I sure read a lot about horses and riding when I was little because I was so obsessed with horses and wanted them so badly. But for the most part, I rode on vacations, and sometimes at friends houses. I often got the ridiculous horse that was stubborn, would take off for the barn, or even take me over a jump for no reason.

Regardless, I still loved horses and always wanted to have some so that I could ride them around and take them trail riding. Eventually, I got up on Teddy, the horse we were fostering. I was told when we took him in that while he would be antsy at first, all you had to do was be a little firm with him. So, the first time I rode him (with our friends who are horse people as well helping me out), he acted up and I tried my hardest to keep him in check. He tried to get me off a few times but didn't succeed. And he didn't settle down even after I was firm with him. But I stayed on. A few days later, I decided to try to ride him again. I went down to the barn while B was shucking corn, saddled him up and rode him down to the house. On the way down the driveway, I could tell that something wasn't quite right. He was acting antsy and being stubborn. Not bucking any, but acting weird. I finally got to the house and wanted B to hold him while I got off (Teddy was a huge horse, over 18 hands). B somehow didn't understand what I wanted and I eventually decided to turn back and get to the barn so I could get off. On my way back I noticed HUGE horse flies all around and figured this was probably what was bothering Teddy. He was still acting antsy and hadn't settled down at all in the few minutes I had been on him. We barely got to the driveway on the way back to the barn when he took off and started bucking. I tried hard to stay on. I knew I was next to a fence and was scared to death I was going to fall on it. Unfortunately, the saddle broke and down I went. I fell hard. I landed right on my back, hit my arm on the fence, and twisted my ankle...it somehow got stuck in the stirrup. I was in bad shape. I still hurt some today...my ankle never fully healed, and I have pain in my back...although I've had that pain for a long time and can't say it is from the fall completely.

I didn't ride for some time after. In part because I was recovering from the fall, and soon after, the rescue we were fostering Teddy for came and picked him up. Then it was winter, and we also only had one horse that we were able to ride.

Anyway, spring came and the babies turned 3, and it was decided it was time to break the two of them that were in the best shape. They did really well during the whole process. The trainer told us they learned very quickly and took to everything very easily. There were some things they were scared of, but after getting them through those obstacles, they always went. And now that they are done their training, it is up to me and B to keep them learning. We need to ride them several times a week so that they continue to be comfortable having a rider on their backs. I realize that this is probably not the most recommended way to go. Two beginner riders on two beginning horses. They would probably learn better with someone who fully knows what they are doing. But, it is hard to find someone around here that would take them for as long as would be needed.. And I'm unfortunately, extremely attached to these beauties that I've had since they were days old. Which makes it very difficult for me to get rid of them and move on to horses that are older and more broke. So right now, B and I are trying to to stay on top of them and ride them as much as we can.

Unfortunately for me, the fall I took last year has left me kind of scared and unsure of my riding. It isn't that I don't know how to ride, but I am incredibly scared of falling off again. The pain is too fresh in my mind. And I have no doubt that I will end up falling off again at some point. Getting over these fears is not the easiest on a horse that is green broke. I'm currently riding our mare, Sugar, who is a bit more high-strung it seems, then the gelding we broke, Trucker. She is very quick to move and really has a mind of her own. She wants to go her own pace and when I want her to slow down, she doesn't always want to listen. I know she is still learning. I know that things are going to scare her, and she is going to do things I don't like. My problem is staying calm during those times. And I've been having a really hard time doing that. I'm scared and I don't know how to get past it really. (And, I've gotten back on the horse, so I know that's not it!).

Teddy, the horse that bucked me off. A big, beautiful boy.

Sugar and Trucker (I don't have any more recent pictures), the two we broke. Sugar is the one I'm riding. At least she is a bit smaller then the last one!

Forgiveness

Before my dad got sick, I was pretty close to most of my extended family. We spent every Christmas at my aunt and uncle's house, and I visited my cousins and their kids frequently. When my dad got sick, my uncle (his brother) visited often. He insisted on being the co-executor of my dad's estate (along with a bank) and on going over everything that my dad wanted to happen with his properties, etc., after he passed away. Knowing that my uncle was there was an incredible source of relief for me, and I appreciated his support. It was something that I looked for and needed during my dad's illness and especially when he passed away. I felt that even though I was losing my dad, that I would have my uncle. I was wrong.

After my dad passed away, I was shocked and unbelievably hurt when it seemed my uncle just pushed aside everything my dad told him he wanted to have done. He seemed to just forget what my dad told him he wanted to have happen...and even told my mom and others that he had no idea what I was talking about when I said that he knew what my dad wanted. I had sat with him as he wrote down exactly what my dad wanted. I was devastated that he was lying and I had no idea why. Not only that, but he called me "childish" for not wanting to go through my dad's paperwork a few weeks after he passed away, and pushed me to go through my dad's things before I was ready. When I didn't go through these things, I was termed "difficult" amongst other things.

The farm was probably the biggest disagreement we had. He knew my dad's wishes and went against them. He never thought I'd be able to run it and rather then support me, he made things harder for me and told everyone I'd never succeed. At a time in my life when I really needed support, he let me down, and I was incredibly hurt. I stopped talking to him and stopped going to family functions where he would be present. It was too painful and I didn't know what to say to him. It hurt even more when my mom told me he had no idea why I was so upset.

Through it all though, all I wanted was an apology. I wanted him to admit the truth and that he had not listened to my dad's wishes. I wanted him to tell me he was sorry for treating me so badly when I was grieving. But he never did.

It has been almost 5 years since we have really talked. B has tried to talk to me about it numerous times and encouraged me to be the bigger and stronger person...to be the one who breaks the ice and forgives him. If my uncle were to pass away, I know I would be sad if we were still fighting. But I've had a very hard time trying to figure out how to be the bigger person. I'm not one to take a chance of forgiving and putting myself out there so that I can be hurt again...as that sort of thing has happened in the past.

The more I have thought about it though, the more I realize that carrying around this anger and sadness is bad for me. It festers and is something that is always below the surface in my day to day activities. I believe it contributes to some of the general unhappiness I feel with life at times. And I know that forgiving him would take a huge load off my chest. I know I want to forgive him, I just don't know how. I don't know how to put aside my pride and stubbornness, and break the ice. I don't know how to forget something that hurt me so badly. I don't know how to forgive something that was so awful. Some way it has to be done though, and I'm hopeful I can be the bigger person and take the first step. I just don't know how?