The perfect costume

I must admit, I was extremely excited for P's first Halloween. This is probably the only time I'll really get a say in her costume right? :) B and I had an idea for a costume LONG before Halloween came around, but when we started searching for it, came across another, that was absolutely perfect. We even took her out trick or treating with her cousin and she loved seeing all the people.

At any rate, here she is, my SKUNK! :)

In the yard before trick or treat

I just love this face! :)

Not sure what to make of everyone around her, but getting ready to head out!

We got rave reviews all around, and I can't begin to tell you how many people said it was their favorite costume of the evening. I thought she looked adorable, and kind of wish it would fit next year too! I love having a little one to dress up!

This post was written as part of the SITS Halloween Party. You should check it out!

Pumpkin Carving

When I was little, my favorite thing about Halloween, besides the candy, was carving pumpkins. Of course, I couldn't carve the pumpkin myself, but my dad always had my sister and I draw our faces on our pumpkins and he would carve them out. Every year, I wanted the same thing. A pumpkin with heart eyes and messed up teeth in his smile. He also had to have ears. I think my dad had an incredibly hard time with my heart eyes, but he never complained. :)

After I grew up and went to college, I stopped carving pumpkins, although I did paint a few. After B and I got married, we began carving pumpkins again. I was excited to make a pumpkin with a fun face, but when I got the carving kit, it came with tons of neat designs that we could carve on our pumpkins. So, we decided to try those out instead and loved the results. This is what our very first pumpkins looked like:

My only disappointment was that they went bad so quickly after so much work!

This year, we had P, and while we planned to carve a fun pumpkin for her, somehow one of the pumpkins we bought went bad. So, while we didn't carve one for her, she did get to play with a small one and watch her mommy and daddy carve theirs. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

B and I again carved some elaborate pumpkins (his moreso then mine with the werewolf), and I loved it. I'm not a crafty individual, persay, so to be able to make something like this is fun for me.
Next year though, P will definitely have a carved pumpkin!

I wrote this post as a part of the SITS Halloween Party...you should check it out!

Ghosts of Halloween Past

I've always loved Halloween...getting dressed up and of course, the candy. When I was little, I had many favorite costumes and good times. We often celebrated at our church with apple bobbing, costume contests and games before we would go out and get lots of candy. Of course, Halloween has changed from when I was young. I remember we would always go out right at dusk, on October 31st, and knock on the doors that had lights on. When the door opened, we would shout "Trick or Treat," and we would go until there were hardly any lights left on (because people had run out of candy!). Nowadays, where I live, Trick or Treat is a set day, hardly ever on the actual Halloween, and a set time, normally before dark. People sit outside and pass out candy, there is no knocking on doors. It makes me sad that it has changed so much.

After I grew up and began my big kid job, Halloween was a BIG weekend at my job. The university I worked at was known for the block party at Halloween, and my job required me to be on duty pretty much all weekend during Halloween. Although it required long hours and we were often quite tired, I loved Halloween weekend because it meant good food and great staff bonding time. We weren't allowed to dress up, but at the staff meeting beforehand, we would normally dress up and have fun. I loved that Halloween took on a new meaning for me during these years and that it could still be so fun.

Some of my staff one Halloween (that is me in the middle...I was supposed to be a ninja...not sure it entirely looked like that!)

Now, I have my daughter, and I look forward to seeing how she enjoys Halloween and Trick or Treating. I hope it is as much fun for her as it has been for me through all these years.

This post was written as a part of the Halloween Party over at SITS. You should check it out!

7 months

Princess P,

You are 7 months old today. Time is flying!

This month you've really focused on trying to talk more. You've gotten dada and daddy down really well. You make some m sounds, and continue to say hey, and hi. I believe we even hear nanana and gaga. I'm hoping by next month you'll have mama down, but who knows.

You are crawling better then ever, and no longer feel like you have to stay in the room with mommy and daddy. Now, you just take off and go to the other room with no problem. I love the way you crawl...we can definitely hear you coming as you slap your hands down! You are cruising along the furniture with no problem and can pull yourself up like you've been doing it forever. You love to climb up and all over mom and dad, especially when it will help you reach something you want. I've seen you try and stand a few times, but you weren't able to. I'm sure you'll keep working on it though!

You love to stare at your reflection and talk to yourself and give yourself kisses. You also love to play with the remote and telephone. The animals are one of your favorite things, and they always put a smile on your face. You love to try and talk to them and pet them whenever they are around. You are going to be an animal lover just like your mommy!

Daddy thinks you are starting to get your first tooth, and I think so too. You've been biting everything you can. I'll sure miss your toothless smile if you really are getting a tooth!

We started you on solids this month, and while we haven't really given you a lot, you seem to like them. You have liked everything we've given you, and now, you will beg people for their food if you see them eating. I hope that you continue to be such a good eater!

We visited a few new places this month, went hiking and picked out your first pumpkin. You also were visited by Grandma and Aunt H, and got to meet more of daddy's family.

Our biggest struggle continues to be getting you to sleep through the night. You are nowhere near that...waking every 2 hours most nights, although sometimes I'm lucky and you sleep 4 hour stretches. It has been rough on mommy not getting a lot sleep, so she is starting to night wean you and look at ways to help you put yourself back to sleep. Hopefully when I write your next letter, sleep will no longer be an issue.

Regardless, you are the greatest joy. Your laughter and smiles are the best parts of my day. I love seeing you grow and change. I love seeing you discover new things. I love how excited you get while jumping on the couch and how you love your daddy. I'm so lucky to have you.

Love you more then words can tell.

7 months old!

6 months

Princess P,

You are 6 months old today! I cannot believe it has been 6 months since we brought you home from the hospital and I didn't know what to make of you.

This month you have achieved many milestones. At about 5 and a half months, you pulled yourself up to standing using the couch for the first time. The very next day, you started crawling! You haven't been on the move as much as I expected you would be once you learned how to crawl, but that is mostly because you love to stand and walk along the furniture. Doing so means you get to see what Mommy and Daddy are doing, and you like that. In recent days though, you have become a bit more daring in your crawling and followed me in to the kitchen, and then went in to the kitchen by yourself. I definitely have to keep an eye on you now!

You are starting to talk more now that you are no longer focusing on learning how to move around. I've been hearing some m's and d's and think you are starting to put together some mamama and dadada sounds. One of these days you'll say your first word, but I'm patient. You've been focusing on so many other things first!

I'm very happy to say that we made it a full 6 months exclusively breastfeeding. You have had a few tastes of food in the recent weeks, but nothing that would be considered a meal. I think we've been pretty lucky not to have any real problems and I've really enjoyed our special time. To thin that I helped you get to the size you are is really quite amazing. I don't know your stats yet because we haven't been to the doctor, but I know you are getting big. You are in size 3 diapers and are growing out of all clothes that have the number 3 in them. We tried to give you some banana today, as we start baby-led weaning, and you thought it was fun to mash it around. One of these days you'll get that it goes in your mouth. :)

You still absolutely love to laugh and giggle all the time at Mommy. Daddy has gotten much better at making you laugh too...I think he even found a tickle spot!

This month you went to your first fair, and hiking with Mom and Dad. You've done a lot of traveling to see Grandma and Grandpa and other family, and have been outside a lot. You love to be outside.

You have brought me more joy then I can express. Although I've found your sleepless nights difficult at times (and oh have they been sleepless...up every 2 hours), I can never be upset with your smiling face for long. I sometimes think to the future when making faces at you will no longer make you laugh so easily...and it makes me sad. But for now, I am enjoying every second and trying to remember it as best I can. You have inspired me to be someone I never thought or knew I could be. I can't thank you enough.

I love you little one.

6 months old!

A Baby's Laughter

Yesterday I was home with P for over 13 hours by myself because B had a long work day. We normally make it through these days just fine, but yesterday, my normally happy, smiley baby was not herself. I couldn't put her down for longer then 5 minutes without her fussing and reaching out for me and wanting to be held. She refused to take a nap until I put her in the car to run errands. I must admit I was starting to feel frustrated that I couldn't get done the things that I wanted to get done. I didn't want to have to hold her all day and leave my house a mess.

I didn't put P down at her normal bedtime so that B would get some time with her when he finally got home. And when he did, she immediately smiled at him and reached out for him to pick her up. She smiled and laughed at his silly noises and faces. She didn't show an ounce of the grumpy baby she had been all day, but was happy and quite content.

Later B mentioned how good he felt that he had been able to make her laugh so much. It was the first time he had really been able to make her laugh like that, and I could tell how much it meant to him. Although he only got to spend a few minutes with her that day, those few minutes probably made his entire day. And it made me realize that I am truly lucky to be able to stay home with my little one every day, how much I take for granted the laughs I get, the time I get to spend with her and the fact I get to see each of her new milestones as they happen. Although many people have told me to enjoy her while she is little, and that the snuggles stop all to soon, I don't think I really thought about it until right then.

It doesn't matter that the house isn't spic and span and that the laundry isn't done. What matters is the fact I can make my daughter laugh today and that she wants a hug. Especially when those little things can bring such joy.


I'm unwrapping the small things today at Tuesdays Unwrapped.

5 months old

Princess P,

You are 5 months old today! You are becoming such a big girl! Last month at your doctor's checkup, you were 14 pounds, 7 ounces and 26.5 inches long. That put you in the 99th percentile for height! I hope you don't keep growing so fast, as I want to continue to enjoy your smallness for a little while longer!

You are so much fun right now. You laugh ALL the time and hardly ever stop smiling. Daddy can swing you around and bounce you and you think it is the best thing in the world. You also think that Juju is fascinating and will do anything to get to her and pet her.

You are moving all over the place now. Not quite crawling yet, but you scoot on your belly and army crawl really fast. I can tell I will be in BIG trouble when you do learn to crawl! You also learned to sit up on your own this month. It happened rather quickly, and boy are you proud of yourself! You can also pull yourself all the way up to standing...you just need someone to help you balance.

You still love your hands and have discovered that you can put everything else in your mouth too. My favorite things that you think you need to suck on are my laptop, the tv stand and your swing. Beyond being fascinated with everything now, if mommy or daddy put the laptop, camera or a water bottle on the floor, they become the focus of your attention and you want to get to them so badly! You really love to punch the keys on the laptop, which isn't always fun for mommy when she's trying to get stuff done. :)

This past month we took at trip to New Jersey by ourselves to visit Aunt H and the trip was really rough on you (and me!) because you got bored. But we made it and we had a great time. You even got to go swimming for the first time and you thought it was the best thing ever! You splashed and kicked and had a great time. We'll do it again as soon as we can, I promise!

Sleep has still been a bit of an issue, although you've done so well some nights. You actually slept 8-9 hours several nights, but then went back to 3 hour stretches and are now sleeping 5-6 hours. I think you wake yourself up practicing everything you are learning and can't yet go back to sleep. It is hard on mommy sometimes to have to keep getting up, but I also try to remember that you are only this little for a certain time and I bet at some point I'll miss our bonding time at night when it's over.

I love you so so much little girl. Happy 5 months!

5 months old!

Wordless Wednesday - First Time in a Pool

4 months old

Princess P,

You are 4 months old today. I guess I'm having a hard time believing that it has been 4 months since I first met you. It seems like time has been going so fast and you have changed so much in that short time. Can you stay little and stop growing so fast?

This month you've been showing even more of your personality and are such a happy baby. I finally got you to laugh, and now you laugh every day. Some times you laugh at the silliest things...like mommy saying hi to you. But I would do anything to hear that laugh, as it just makes my day (and makes me laugh too!). We started doing mama/baby yoga together and you seem to really enjoy it. You love to be on your belly now and able to look all around. You also really want mommy and daddy to sit or stand you up.

I don't know how much you've grown yet because we haven't been to the doctor's yet, but you are getting big. You have some of the cutest chubby thighs and you sure are getting long. You moved up to size 2 diapers a little in to your 14th week, and I think you may be there for a bit.

You still love to talk and have your "h's" down pat. You roll all over the place and even get up on your hands and knees now. I am worried you may start crawling before I am ready. For now though, you seem happy to scoot, roll and creep your way around. Even better though, you like to lay on your back and hold your feet. Sometimes mommy will pick you up and you'll keep a hold of your feet when she has you! They are your favorite things to play with.

I can see that you are starting to understand things now and are putting together things like how to reach for toys and get them to make noise. It is amazing seeing you develop like you are.

I love you baby girl and am so glad you are mine.

4 months old!

Funny Faces

We had to take one of our dogs, Jem to the vet the other day when we noticed she had done something to her eye.

(This is Jem)

After the vet had inspected her and was talking to us about what might be wrong, Jem sat down and looked up at me. And after a few moments, I realized that I was making faces at Jem that were very similar to the ones that I make at Princess P in an effort to get her to smile and entertain her. As if my dog would react to my silly smile. I have no idea if anyone else noticed, but I sure did. And I felt kinda silly. And I began to wonder how often I make those faces at Princess P out in public...

Funny how my actions have changed in the short time I've been a mom. And how really, I don't much care.

How can I when this is the response I get?

Jem should be fine by the way. At least her eye should be. She might be scarred from my ridiculous faces though. :)

3 months old

Princess P,

You are 3 months old today. How you have grown in the past month! You have become quite the mover, learning how to roll from your back to your belly and your belly to your back (although sometimes you get stuck on your belly and need help getting rolling back over). I can't put you down on your play mat anymore without you ending up feet from where you started! Not only that, but you have gotten really good at picking your head up and scooting around on your belly by pushing your legs (even though your face is also on the ground!).

Your smiles continue to light up my day, and you never fail to give them to me or daddy when we need one. You still love to talk to us, and sometimes can be so serious when talking. It is like you have a big story to tell us, and you are trying sooo hard to get us to understand!

You figured out how to pull on your lady bug to make music, although you don't do it very often. And your hands are becoming your favorite things to suck on...which has been a nice rest for mommy and daddy's fingers. :) Although you are touching your feet, you haven't quite looked at them yet and figured out that they are there. But I sure love when you put your feet together...so cute!

Mommy has started to wear you more and you sure do a good job. You love to look around at all the sites, but also love that you can just fall asleep on mommy if you've had too much fun. Speaking of sleep, you've started to sleep a little longer at night, but you still don't give mommy very long stretches. Maybe we can work on that this next month, since this month you did so well at getting on a schedule.

Little one, you have brought so much joy and happiness to my life. I love you so much and love seeing you grow. Being your mommy is the best thing I've ever done.

3 months old!

2 months old

Princess P,

You are 2 months old today. How quickly time has flown! There is a part of me that is so excited to continue to watch you grow and change, and a part of me that is so sad that you are growing so fast. I wish that I could slow it down a bit so that I am sure to remember it!

This month, you weighed in at 11 pounds on the dot, and were 23 inches long! You have changed in so many ways, beyond just the physical. You are smiling all the time now, and you love to have conversations with your mommy and daddy. You have learned to blow bubbles and that if you bat at the toys on your play mat they will make noise. You can really grip things and are focusing on your toys much better then last month! You love to be on your playmat, and look at the owls that are above your swing. And, you made it through a bout of baby acne that didn't bother you, but sure bothered your momma. You took your first bath in your tub and moved up to size 1 diapers. You continue to love to look at the world around you and I can tell that you are learning with each new day.

Even though you still give your mom and dad a hard time when it comes to taking naps, or even leaving you alone, you have started to become more independent. I can see some of your personality coming out, and can't wait to see more of it.

Mommy has changed a lot too since you were born. I never knew that I could love someone so deeply so quickly. I love to spend time with you, and my world no longer revolves around me, but you. You have helped me to see the important things in life, and that so much of what I focused on before wasn't, well, so important. As I look at you napping beside me, I can't help but feel so lucky and blessed!

2 months old!

Wordless Wednesday

She loves to sleep on her daddy...

Pregnancy to Birth, part 1

Since I have been enjoying my little one for the past 7 weeks and not really updating (heck, I haven't updated in quite some time with the happenings in my life...oops. I really do feel sad about this. I would have loved to have a record of my thoughts on pregnancy while they were happening, etc.), I thought I'd try to document a lot of it now. I also think there can never be enough birth stories out there for women to have an idea of what to expect, what others experience, etc. I know I read a lot of them before I gave birth! I also think my feelings and emotions are important to acknowledge, especially as I find myself in awe of the little person who is currently sleeping beside me. So, I'm going to be completely honest, regardless of how I think it may make some people see me...

I actually want to start with before I even found out I was pregnant. For quite a large portion of my life, I always said I wanted to be a "young" mom. To me, that meant having a baby in my early 20s, but definitely not in my 30s. I think I wanted this because my mom was 31 when she had me and my dad was 35...and I thought they were sooo old compared to my friend's parents (really, they weren't, but who knows). Of course, I also had my whole life planned out, and since I was in a serious relationship by the time I was 17, and engaged at 21 (planned to be married at 23), I felt I was pretty on track to be a young mom. I figured by the time I was 25, I'd have my first, or at least be pregnant with my first. Of course, even the best of plans can fall by the wayside and my engagement ended and I wasn't married at 25, much less pregnant. Actually, at 25, I was enjoying my life and my freedom. Looking back now, I can't even imagine having a baby at 25...but I guess if I had been married I may have been feeling a bit different, who knows? Anyway, at 25 I was just meeting B and I was married at 26.

At the time we were married, kids weren't even really on my radar. Weird how that happens. But anyway, B had said beforehand that he wanted to wait a few years (if at all) and that was fine with me. I actually started to think we may not even have kids and that was pretty ok with me too. I really enjoyed having our time together, and I liked my time to myself. So, I was pretty surprised when 6 months after we were married B said "I think I want to try and have a baby." My response? "You mean, now? Within the next few months?"I was actually, not that excited about the prospect. I was caught off guard, but also feeling like I didn't want to give up the life I was living...I liked it. I think B realized I was caught off guard and told me that he didn't mean right away...but that he wasn't getting any younger and that one day he had realized he really wanted to be a dad. I thought about it a lot and really didn't know how I felt. A part of me was just ugh, no, and the other wanted to give B what he wanted...and that part won. A month later I decided to stop taking my birth control...not because we wanted to get pregnant immediately, but because we thought it was going to be hard for us to get pregnant (for a few reasons...one of which was because of the lingering effects of my eating disorder). I started eating more to gain some weight since I didn't think I'd be able to get pregnant without a bit more fat on my bones, and we took the attitude of it will happen when it was meant to happen...which was apparently pretty quickly since I got pregnant less then 2 months later!

My next post in this series, I'll talk more about my feelings about being pregnant and my pregnancy...

Last picture taken of me and B before I got pregnant...(2 weeks before!) :)

7 weeks

My little girl is 7 weeks old today. Time has absolutely flown by. I have honestly enjoyed every moment...except maybe the one day that I couldn't get her to stop crying for more then about 15 minutes (of course when B came inside, she stopped for him). I have had moments of absolute joy...when I realize how amazing it is that I helped create this little person and watching her change, and times of sadness...when I see how quickly she is changing and realize that I'll never get the days back when she was this little tiny being so new to the world. She probably doesn't appreciate the camera I have stuck in her face many times a day, but my only regret so far has been that we didn't take enough pictures in the hospital and of her as an itty bitty thing. I don't want to miss any more changes.

I have spoken often on this blog about how I don't know what I am supposed to be doing with my life and how difficult it has been for me. These past weeks I have realized that I was meant to be something I never would have imagined. A mother.

She's Here!!

Hello my bloggy friends. I have not blogged in quite some time. The reason being for the most part that my little one arrived. She decided to make her appearance on March 13th at 3:58 am (they were sure close with my due date of March 14th!). My birthday was March 12th, and I spent pretty much the whole day (starting at 4:30 am) experiencing contractions. Quite the birthday! Princess P weighed in at 6lbs 7oz and was 18.5 inches long. Giving birth and the days following were probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life...I hope I never forget what I felt. Right now, B and I are enjoying time with P...he has 6 weeks off work, and that means that we are taking time together to get to know our little one. I will be back to blogging some time around then.

I'll leave you with a few pictures of our new addition...with whom I am totally in love. :)

With B in the hospital the day she was born

2 days old

Me and P, 4 days old

On B and my bed, making her favorite face. 7 days old.

Heaven is Lucky

I often get stuck on one thing that is happening in my life and let it worry me to no end. I obsess about it and let it consume a lot of my time and energy...and mostly I just worry with no real action or final resolution. Many times, my worry is over something trivial, but to me, it seems like the most important thing in the world. B often reminds me how lucky we are, and tells me that I need to give my life over to the Lord and trust that he will take care of me. I can't say I am good at that, or that I have really ever tried. Especially as I continue to struggle with my relationship with the Lord.

In the past week and a half, two amazing people that have touched my life have passed away. Actually, they passed away within a day of each other, but I only just found out about one today.

The first was an extremely intelligent, caring individual, who always had a smile on his face and strived to make the world a better place. I was lucky enough to work with him for a few years, and although we were not "close," knowing that he is no longer a part of this world is difficult for me. Such a wonderful, young soul, who cared about people.

The second was B and my vet. We had heard that he had been in a logging accident earlier in the month and often wondered how he was doing, but had not heard anything. Tonight, as I was browsing through our local newspaper online, I saw an obituary for him and my heart just sunk. We only started to go to this vet when we moved to our house a little less then 2 years ago, but he was a vet like none other. He truly cared not just for the animals he was working with, but the people who loved them. Although not young, like my former co-worker, his death is a blow, and our community has lost an extremely valuable asset.

It is times like these that I realize that B is right. We are very lucky, and what I am worrying about is nothing compared to what others in the world, or even that I know, are struggling with at this very moment. Many times, the things that I am worrying about are things that can be fixed or taken care of if I choose to take action. But the families of the two men that were recently lost? They can't change that.

One thing that these two men had in common (despite being loved and valued by many) was a love of the Lord. As B said about my co-worker, "He was a man who loved the Lord, and it was so obvious." And it truly was. And one thing I can say about the families and many of the close friends of these two men is that they too love the Lord, and despite their struggles, I know (through conversations with and comments by some of them) that they are continuing to have faith and believe, despite the very real difficult times ahead. It seems that every time I am at one of those points where the worrying consumes me, things happen that remind me that my worries are trivial. Sometimes I wonder how many times the Lord has to reach out and show me that I need to trust him before I will finally acknowledge that he will take care of me.

**sorry if this is a bit scattered. I have so much going through my head, I had a hard time organizing this post.

Fireball

*This image is from freedigitalphotos.net, taken by Carlos Porto

What B and I dislike the most about our house (besides the white carpet that covers every floor in the house) is the heating system. Every room has baseboard heat (very expensive to run) and we have a wood burner in our basement. In our effort to not have a $1000 electric bill, we only run the baseboard heat in the essential places...our bedroom and bathroom, the family room, and B's little room where he gets dressed in the morning for work. Beyond that, we try to keep the house warm by running the wood burner. The problem is, our wood burner is not easy to get going. We unfortunately have to cold start it most mornings, and if it doesn't get quite warm enough with the kindling before logs are put in, it never gets hot, or smoke escapes and we end up with a smokey house and the smoke detector going off.

As B works during the day, starting the fire is often left up to me. I had a good system going for a while, but we ran out of our old wood and the new wood we got just has NOT wanted to catch. I will try and try, by putting in kindling to get it to catch, and most days it will, but it takes a lot of patience on my part. B, on the other hand, when starting the fire, does not have patience. This year he decided he had had enough with waiting for everything to catch and get hot, so he started using kerosene on the logs to get them to catch quickly. I was not a fan of this from the start. 1) I do not like the smell of the kerosene...it gives me a headache and it just smells awful. 2) I could not help thinking that it was rather dangerous to be putting a flammable substance in the wood burner. I don't know how many times I told B that I didn't want him to use the kerosene, but, typical man, he didn't listen.

On Saturday, I didn't start the fire before B got home because our kindling had gotten wet and I had to let it dry out in the house. After he got home and did chores, he went downstairs with the kid who helps us around the farm to start the fire. After a few minutes, I hear a loud WHOOF and I can't help but think that the downstairs has blown up. I don't immediately go downstairs, for fear of what I will find, but when I hear them talking, I run down. I see B sitting on the ground, his hands to his face, and the boy laughing at him...I also see a lot of smoke...and smell the awful smell of burned hair. Turns out, B put a little too much kerosene in the wood burner, and in the process of trying to get the fire started, the fumes caught and out came a huge fireball, right at his face! It singed his eybrows, eyelashes and hair, and stung his face quite a bit, but he was otherwise unharmed. Luckily. And nothing else was damaged in the process either.

Had I not been so glad that no one was hurt, I would have loved to have said, "I told you so..."

Bet he hasn't learned his lesson though!
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And would you believe that yesterday, after I got a nice, HOT fire going, as we went to leave to celebrate my MIL's birthday, I shut up the wood burner, and the duct system (that leads to the chimney) fell apart? I don't know my own strength apparently! :) B had to put it back together so the whole house didn't fill with smoke. We are currently not going to use the wood burner for a few days...enough is enough. I really think we need to figure out a different way to heat our house...but unfortunately the way our house is laid out, a heating system will be hard to install. We'll figure it out one of these days...
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The swan did come back, shortly after I wrote my last post, stayed for a few days, and then left again of its own accord. Maybe one day it will come back again. But at least it didn't leave because I scared it off...
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I am officially 35 weeks pregnant...and finding it hard to believe. Can I just say that I have noticed myself becoming unbelievably moody? B and I had been talking about how I hadn't really had any mood swings that we hear so many people talk about during pregnancy, but in the last week, yikes. Here is my 35 week belly shot!

Slippery Fingers

One of the things I love most about living on our farm is that we are privileged to have a variety of wild animals come around, especially birds, which I love. They stay for a few days like the blue heron that frequents our pond every couple weeks or permanently, like these ducks that appeared out of the blue in September and never left (no idea what kind they are, but we now feed them) but there is never a shortage of them.

On Thursday, I walked outside to see this beautiful bird on the pond. I almost couldn't believe my eyes. I was pretty sure I had never seen a wild swan before, and actually thought I was probably mistaken, and that it was some weird goose. It had come in with a flock of geese after all. I tried to feed it some bread, but when the geese moved away because I got too close, so did the swan, so I didn't try again.

I was excited that the swan was still there on Friday, and again on Saturday. I figured that one day, the geese would decide to move on (they always do), and the swan would go with them. That day happened to be today. I was disappointed when I woke up and looked outside, but I had had a feeling they would leave soon since the weather was once again cold enough to make the pond freeze over.

But then this afternoon, when I went outside to do chores, I could see a white bird far out on the pond. I realized that the swan had come back, even though the geese had not. Boy, was I excited! I figured that I would try to give it some food since the pond was frozen over. I was secretly hoping that food would make it stay around longer. So, I took a cup of duck food, and walked slowly toward where it was sitting on the ice. When I got close enough that I could see it was starting to get uneasy, I stopped and threw out the food. Lo and behold, the cup the food was in slipped out of my hand as well...flew threw the air towards the swan, and landed with a crash on the ice, scaring the swan away. It took off with a squawk and flew until I couldn't see it anymore. :( All that is left on the pond now is some food, and a cup that I can't reach.

Although I'm doubtful it will come back after that fright, if it does, I'll keep my slippery fingers away. Maybe B can try bread.

Oh, the Life...

of a dog. It sure seems sooo rough!

5 years

As I was writing my last post, something struck me. It was this sentence in particular:

"I still struggle daily with many of the things that have happened to me over the last 5 years, and yet, I am still able to find joy and happiness in many parts of my life."

5 years. I have spent 5 years of my life grieving for my dad, for regretting things I did after he passed, for hating myself for the hurt I caused people I loved and holding grudges against people that hurt me.

5 years is a really long time to spend angry at oneself, angry at God, and angry at members of your family. And what I have come to realize in thinking about my life the last few weeks/months (been doing a lot of thinking since I found out I was pregnant), is that I've spent far too long in this rut. My anger and sadness have impacted my life in ways that I cannot possibly describe, and in ways that I never would have thought...and I let it continue to do so for far too long.

After my dad passed, I was a terrible mess. I was so terribly unhappy and haunted by what he had gone through and losing him that all I can remember doing during that time period is making trips to the farm on weekends and spending the week days in bed watching seasons of "Friends." I think I really just made my way through in a zombie-like state. I latched on to anything that brought me any form of "happiness," regardless of what it meant to those around me. There were some people that took advantage of this. And others who I hurt terribly in the process. I became a person I did not recognize, but could not find my way back to the person I once knew. Granted, that person would never be the same, but I could not even find some modicum of her in me, even though I wanted to.

Eventually, I worked my way through my grief...it was still there, of course, and I know it will always be there, but I was able to manage my life and function again with a halfway sense of normalcy. I did the best I could to right wrongs I had made...although I could not change them, and the people I hurt forgave me. Yet, I could not forgive myself, and I could not forgive the people that hurt me. I would think about things I did and cringe. I was ashamed and embarrassed.

There have been many times over the last few years as I struggled through a bad period of depression, and felt myself lack motivation and direction in life, that I wondered why? Why did I continue to feel so awful and why could I not pull myself out of the feeling that life just wasn't that enjoyable most of the time? I often let myself wallow in pity for myself, and I can't say it was fun. But even though I had a desire to change, I didn't really want to change. I have gotten better in the last year or so, but not to the point I should be at. And I have come to realize through my reflection, that unless I release my anger, shame and embarrassment, I will never fully get past those things that once happened. I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive the people that hurt me. I need to write a letter to my uncle and move past the hurt that is there. I need to move on and live in the present. The very wonderful present that God has blessed me with...my husband, the baby in my belly, our farm and our families. Yes, the past hurt. It will still hurt at times, but without those experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today. It is time to move on.

5 years is long enough to beat myself up for things that happened. 5 years is long enough to punish others for things they did to me. And starting today, I'm going to make the necessary steps to forgive myself and others. It won't be easy, but I'm going to stop living in the past and move forward.