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Friday, December 30, 2011
Into the Darkness
I feel it happening again. Pulling me down and into the never-ending, deep abyss. I don't know how to fight it...don't know if I want to. Don't know if I will be able to claw my way out. It scares me, but it scares me even more that I almost don't care anymore if I stay there.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
A Phone Call
"Are you getting P a Valentine's Day dress?"
"Um, why would I do that?"
"I don't know I just thought you might. I'm thinking of getting her a little something for Valentine's
Day, a little heart and maybe I'll get her a dress."
Day, a little heart and maybe I'll get her a dress."
That was the start of the last conversation I was to have with my mom. I was a little annoyed and not really paying attention to what she was saying. We hadn't been getting along well the past few months because she had decided to go to a wedding in Jamaica, and I didn't agree with her decision to go. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that. I felt bad for my sister because I felt she would be a burden on her (my mom didn't know many people at this wedding and I know my sister was worried my mom was going to want to be with her the entire time and wasn't going to give her a chance to relax and enjoy her vacation with her husband). But really, I was somewhat jealous that my mom was travelling somewhere I would love to go, and I didn't get a chance to go to. And, my mom often annoyed me because we just rubbed each other the wrong way...it had been that way most of my adult life. Not to mention she would call me several times a week and I often didn't have much new to say...but since P was her only grandchild and she didn't get to see her that often, she would call daily to see if she was doing anything new. So, I was somewhat annoyed and not that excited to be talking to my mom this particular day.
I was in the process of cutting sweet potatoes and putting them in the crockpot for dinner when she called, and she realized that I was busy. So after a few more attempts at getting me to talk to her more in depth she told me she would let me go and would talk to me later. I can't for the life of me remember if I told her I loved her. We almost always ended our conversations with I love you, regardless of whether we were getting along or not. But I can't remember the end of this conversation. I can remember everything else we talked about...from her falling at my sister's exhibition, to P going a lot of places...but I can't remember the end of this short 3 minute conversation. It haunts me now, because I never would have thought this would have been our last conversation. The things I would have said if I would have known. I would have put down my knife and waited a few minutes to get the rest of dinner in the crockpot, to let her know what she had to say was important...and that despite being annoyed with her, that I loved her.
If only I had known it was the last time I'd hear her voice.
Monday, October 3, 2011
One year later
It has been almost a year since I updated this blog. Longer then that with a post about my life rather then a letter to my little one. It is amazing what a year can mean in a life. Since my dad got sick and passed, I have known that any month, year, day is not to be taken for granted, but I think, in the 7 years since he passed, that I somehow forgot that. And unfortunately, God decided it was time to remind me once again that there are bigger things in life then all the little things I was stressing over thinking were so important...when they weren't.
When I had my baby, I felt my entire world change. It was as if I had finally found my purpose in life, which I had been searching for for quite some time. I felt like I knew how to be a mom and it came so naturally and was so much what I had hoped for. Although I will not lie and say it was not also a struggle. The changes that came from have a baby were unexpected and I had no idea how to handle them. I lost my "freedom" to do what I wanted when I wanted. Her schedule was now my schedule. There was no midnight runs to the grocery store by myself, no heading out in extremely hot or cold weather...no more time to myself for a long time. And, there was NO sleep. I struggled. A lot. Especially after month 4 or 5 when her nursing habits changed and she started waking up every hour and a half. And it kept happening. For months. I believe I probably struggled with a bit of post partum depression. But that is another post. But, it is part of the reason I stopped posting here. I was feeling tired, sad, out of sorts, and didn't want to admit that I might not have been the best mom in the world. I didn't want to be judged, which seems to happen so frequently to moms by other moms. But I digress.
I've found myself in the past year, struggling with old fears and demons. Trying to lose the baby weight brought back many insecurities I thought I had banished 10 years ago or so. But again, that is another post.
Of course many things have happened on our farm as we continue to learn, grow and experiment with new things.
The biggest thing that happened in this year, was beyond life changing. I lost my mom. Just as I was beginning to feel that life was looking up, that I was moving past my grief from losing my dad, that I was appreciating my mom so much more because I understood what it meant to be a mom...God decided he needed her more then I did. It has thrown me into a whirlwind of emotions the last 8 months. Many times I have wanted to write about what I am feeling...but even that is too hard. Lately, I've felt that I need to get it out because it is not helping to keep it in. So here I am, writing again. It may be sporadic. It may not be fun to read, but it will be from the heart and an honest reflection of what I am feeling.
When I had my baby, I felt my entire world change. It was as if I had finally found my purpose in life, which I had been searching for for quite some time. I felt like I knew how to be a mom and it came so naturally and was so much what I had hoped for. Although I will not lie and say it was not also a struggle. The changes that came from have a baby were unexpected and I had no idea how to handle them. I lost my "freedom" to do what I wanted when I wanted. Her schedule was now my schedule. There was no midnight runs to the grocery store by myself, no heading out in extremely hot or cold weather...no more time to myself for a long time. And, there was NO sleep. I struggled. A lot. Especially after month 4 or 5 when her nursing habits changed and she started waking up every hour and a half. And it kept happening. For months. I believe I probably struggled with a bit of post partum depression. But that is another post. But, it is part of the reason I stopped posting here. I was feeling tired, sad, out of sorts, and didn't want to admit that I might not have been the best mom in the world. I didn't want to be judged, which seems to happen so frequently to moms by other moms. But I digress.
I've found myself in the past year, struggling with old fears and demons. Trying to lose the baby weight brought back many insecurities I thought I had banished 10 years ago or so. But again, that is another post.
Of course many things have happened on our farm as we continue to learn, grow and experiment with new things.
The biggest thing that happened in this year, was beyond life changing. I lost my mom. Just as I was beginning to feel that life was looking up, that I was moving past my grief from losing my dad, that I was appreciating my mom so much more because I understood what it meant to be a mom...God decided he needed her more then I did. It has thrown me into a whirlwind of emotions the last 8 months. Many times I have wanted to write about what I am feeling...but even that is too hard. Lately, I've felt that I need to get it out because it is not helping to keep it in. So here I am, writing again. It may be sporadic. It may not be fun to read, but it will be from the heart and an honest reflection of what I am feeling.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
A Taste of Home...and a little giveaway.
When I was little, my mom didn't cook much. She always told my sister and I that she just hated to cook, and nothing would change that. I know a lot of people that don't like to cook, and you can't hold it against them! :) I must admit I'm glad I didn't inherit that, as I love cooking and baking and anything that has to do with food really, and one of my greatest joys is making things for my family. They don't always turn out well, but I don't expect anything ALWAYS works......right?
While I love to make new meals and try new things, there are a few meals that I always go back to that are quick and easy, and even more so, remind me of home. Because even though my mom didn't like to cook, she did have a few recipes that she did like to make and that even when I grew up and moved out, would make whenever I came home (because she knew I wanted them). The one recipe that always stood out to me was her mac and cheese. And because I love this mac and cheese so much, I thought I would share with you my tweeked version that makes it all the easier! Not to mention, it is unbelieveably easy!
Macaroni and Cheese, Mom Style
Serves 6-8
Ingredients:
1 pound elbow macaroni (or any type of non-stringy noodle)
1 pound extra sharp cheddar cheese
1/4-1/2 cup milk
Directions:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Spray an 8x8 deep cassarole dish. Cook macaroni. While the macaroni is cooking, slice the cheese. And when I say slice, just slice it like you would if you were serving it for cheese and crackers. Once the macaroni is cooked, place 1/2 the macaroni in the bottom of the cassarole dish. Cover that layer with cheese. Cover the cheese layer with the rest of the macaroni. And top it off with another layer of cheese. I normally make sure to cover every bit of macaroni...because I like cheese. So, if you want to do that, you may need a bit more cheese! :) Once everything is layered, pour milk into the pan. I always err on the side of more milk (1/2 cup) because I don't want the macaroni to dry out...and you can always pour out any remaining milk if needed after you remove the dish from the oven. Place the dish in the oven and cook for 30 minutes, or until the cheese and noodles on top are brown and a little crispy. Let cool for a few minutes, and enjoy!
If when you take it out, you still see some milk on the bottom of the dish, let it cool and then drain. It tastes just as good with a little runny milk on the bottom (and when refrigerating leftovers it tends to solidify), so this step isn't necessary, exactly.
This mac and cheese recipe has been a hit with pretty much everyone I have made it for. It is easily adaptable to larger servings (just use a pound of cheese to every pound of macaroni) and you can easily make your own additions if desired. Also, would you believe I didn't realize that mac and cheese isn't typically baked like this until I met my husband? :)
I wish I had some pictures for you all, but I haven't been able to make this dish in quite some time. Next time I make it, I will be sure to take pictures and add them to this post though!
Now, for the other fun part! I am submitting this recipe to the Tastes From Home with Frito-Lay Sweepstakes. You can enter as well, and I encourage you to if you have a good recipe that reminds you of home!
Frito-Lay has been kind enough to send me some chips to giveaway to my readers. They have new chips coming out that are inspired by regional flavors and include all the flavors you see here:
While I love to make new meals and try new things, there are a few meals that I always go back to that are quick and easy, and even more so, remind me of home. Because even though my mom didn't like to cook, she did have a few recipes that she did like to make and that even when I grew up and moved out, would make whenever I came home (because she knew I wanted them). The one recipe that always stood out to me was her mac and cheese. And because I love this mac and cheese so much, I thought I would share with you my tweeked version that makes it all the easier! Not to mention, it is unbelieveably easy!
Macaroni and Cheese, Mom Style
Serves 6-8
Ingredients:
1 pound elbow macaroni (or any type of non-stringy noodle)
1 pound extra sharp cheddar cheese
1/4-1/2 cup milk
Directions:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Spray an 8x8 deep cassarole dish. Cook macaroni. While the macaroni is cooking, slice the cheese. And when I say slice, just slice it like you would if you were serving it for cheese and crackers. Once the macaroni is cooked, place 1/2 the macaroni in the bottom of the cassarole dish. Cover that layer with cheese. Cover the cheese layer with the rest of the macaroni. And top it off with another layer of cheese. I normally make sure to cover every bit of macaroni...because I like cheese. So, if you want to do that, you may need a bit more cheese! :) Once everything is layered, pour milk into the pan. I always err on the side of more milk (1/2 cup) because I don't want the macaroni to dry out...and you can always pour out any remaining milk if needed after you remove the dish from the oven. Place the dish in the oven and cook for 30 minutes, or until the cheese and noodles on top are brown and a little crispy. Let cool for a few minutes, and enjoy!
If when you take it out, you still see some milk on the bottom of the dish, let it cool and then drain. It tastes just as good with a little runny milk on the bottom (and when refrigerating leftovers it tends to solidify), so this step isn't necessary, exactly.
This mac and cheese recipe has been a hit with pretty much everyone I have made it for. It is easily adaptable to larger servings (just use a pound of cheese to every pound of macaroni) and you can easily make your own additions if desired. Also, would you believe I didn't realize that mac and cheese isn't typically baked like this until I met my husband? :)
I wish I had some pictures for you all, but I haven't been able to make this dish in quite some time. Next time I make it, I will be sure to take pictures and add them to this post though!
Now, for the other fun part! I am submitting this recipe to the Tastes From Home with Frito-Lay Sweepstakes. You can enter as well, and I encourage you to if you have a good recipe that reminds you of home!
Frito-Lay has been kind enough to send me some chips to giveaway to my readers. They have new chips coming out that are inspired by regional flavors and include all the flavors you see here:
A little more about them:
- They are made with all-natural ingredients and cooked in healthier oils like corn and sunflower oils
- There is less sodium in a serving then in a bagel!
To be eligible to win the bag of chips, all you need to do is respond to this post with a recipe that reminds you of home. Maybe I'll even try your recipe and post about it on my blog? :)
This giveaway will end on Wednesday, August 31st, at 11:59pm.
Can't wait to see what you leave me with!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Starting Again
Hi Everyone,
Been a long time since I last posted. I've been through a lot. I wanted to post...to get my feelings out...but it was so hard. I was also struggling with where I wanted to go with the blog. I have some ideas and some things I would like to post about, so I anticipate that things will hopefully start picking up around here again. :) Hopefully too, there will be some changes for the positive, once I get the time, but until then, it will be good to at least be posting again. :)
Hopefully some of you are still around... :)
Been a long time since I last posted. I've been through a lot. I wanted to post...to get my feelings out...but it was so hard. I was also struggling with where I wanted to go with the blog. I have some ideas and some things I would like to post about, so I anticipate that things will hopefully start picking up around here again. :) Hopefully too, there will be some changes for the positive, once I get the time, but until then, it will be good to at least be posting again. :)
Hopefully some of you are still around... :)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The perfect costume
I must admit, I was extremely excited for P's first Halloween. This is probably the only time I'll really get a say in her costume right? :) B and I had an idea for a costume LONG before Halloween came around, but when we started searching for it, came across another, that was absolutely perfect. We even took her out trick or treating with her cousin and she loved seeing all the people.
At any rate, here she is, my SKUNK! :)
In the yard before trick or treat
I just love this face! :)
Not sure what to make of everyone around her, but getting ready to head out!
We got rave reviews all around, and I can't begin to tell you how many people said it was their favorite costume of the evening. I thought she looked adorable, and kind of wish it would fit next year too! I love having a little one to dress up!
This post was written as part of the SITS Halloween Party. You should check it out!
At any rate, here she is, my SKUNK! :)
In the yard before trick or treat
I just love this face! :)
Not sure what to make of everyone around her, but getting ready to head out!We got rave reviews all around, and I can't begin to tell you how many people said it was their favorite costume of the evening. I thought she looked adorable, and kind of wish it would fit next year too! I love having a little one to dress up!
This post was written as part of the SITS Halloween Party. You should check it out!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Pumpkin Carving
When I was little, my favorite thing about Halloween, besides the candy, was carving pumpkins. Of course, I couldn't carve the pumpkin myself, but my dad always had my sister and I draw our faces on our pumpkins and he would carve them out. Every year, I wanted the same thing. A pumpkin with heart eyes and messed up teeth in his smile. He also had to have ears. I think my dad had an incredibly hard time with my heart eyes, but he never complained. :)
After I grew up and went to college, I stopped carving pumpkins, although I did paint a few. After B and I got married, we began carving pumpkins again. I was excited to make a pumpkin with a fun face, but when I got the carving kit, it came with tons of neat designs that we could carve on our pumpkins. So, we decided to try those out instead and loved the results. This is what our very first pumpkins looked like:
My only disappointment was that they went bad so quickly after so much work!
This year, we had P, and while we planned to carve a fun pumpkin for her, somehow one of the pumpkins we bought went bad. So, while we didn't carve one for her, she did get to play with a small one and watch her mommy and daddy carve theirs. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it.
B and I again carved some elaborate pumpkins (his moreso then mine with the werewolf), and I loved it. I'm not a crafty individual, persay, so to be able to make something like this is fun for me.
Next year though, P will definitely have a carved pumpkin!
I wrote this post as a part of the SITS Halloween Party...you should check it out!
After I grew up and went to college, I stopped carving pumpkins, although I did paint a few. After B and I got married, we began carving pumpkins again. I was excited to make a pumpkin with a fun face, but when I got the carving kit, it came with tons of neat designs that we could carve on our pumpkins. So, we decided to try those out instead and loved the results. This is what our very first pumpkins looked like:
My only disappointment was that they went bad so quickly after so much work!This year, we had P, and while we planned to carve a fun pumpkin for her, somehow one of the pumpkins we bought went bad. So, while we didn't carve one for her, she did get to play with a small one and watch her mommy and daddy carve theirs. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it.
B and I again carved some elaborate pumpkins (his moreso then mine with the werewolf), and I loved it. I'm not a crafty individual, persay, so to be able to make something like this is fun for me.
Next year though, P will definitely have a carved pumpkin!I wrote this post as a part of the SITS Halloween Party...you should check it out!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Ghosts of Halloween Past
I've always loved Halloween...getting dressed up and of course, the candy. When I was little, I had many favorite costumes and good times. We often celebrated at our church with apple bobbing, costume contests and games before we would go out and get lots of candy. Of course, Halloween has changed from when I was young. I remember we would always go out right at dusk, on October 31st, and knock on the doors that had lights on. When the door opened, we would shout "Trick or Treat," and we would go until there were hardly any lights left on (because people had run out of candy!). Nowadays, where I live, Trick or Treat is a set day, hardly ever on the actual Halloween, and a set time, normally before dark. People sit outside and pass out candy, there is no knocking on doors. It makes me sad that it has changed so much.
After I grew up and began my big kid job, Halloween was a BIG weekend at my job. The university I worked at was known for the block party at Halloween, and my job required me to be on duty pretty much all weekend during Halloween. Although it required long hours and we were often quite tired, I loved Halloween weekend because it meant good food and great staff bonding time. We weren't allowed to dress up, but at the staff meeting beforehand, we would normally dress up and have fun. I loved that Halloween took on a new meaning for me during these years and that it could still be so fun.
After I grew up and began my big kid job, Halloween was a BIG weekend at my job. The university I worked at was known for the block party at Halloween, and my job required me to be on duty pretty much all weekend during Halloween. Although it required long hours and we were often quite tired, I loved Halloween weekend because it meant good food and great staff bonding time. We weren't allowed to dress up, but at the staff meeting beforehand, we would normally dress up and have fun. I loved that Halloween took on a new meaning for me during these years and that it could still be so fun.
Some of my staff one Halloween (that is me in the middle...I was supposed to be a ninja...not sure it entirely looked like that!)
Now, I have my daughter, and I look forward to seeing how she enjoys Halloween and Trick or Treating. I hope it is as much fun for her as it has been for me through all these years.
This post was written as a part of the Halloween Party over at SITS. You should check it out!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
7 months
Princess P,
You are 7 months old today. Time is flying!
This month you've really focused on trying to talk more. You've gotten dada and daddy down really well. You make some m sounds, and continue to say hey, and hi. I believe we even hear nanana and gaga. I'm hoping by next month you'll have mama down, but who knows.
You are crawling better then ever, and no longer feel like you have to stay in the room with mommy and daddy. Now, you just take off and go to the other room with no problem. I love the way you crawl...we can definitely hear you coming as you slap your hands down! You are cruising along the furniture with no problem and can pull yourself up like you've been doing it forever. You love to climb up and all over mom and dad, especially when it will help you reach something you want. I've seen you try and stand a few times, but you weren't able to. I'm sure you'll keep working on it though!
You love to stare at your reflection and talk to yourself and give yourself kisses. You also love to play with the remote and telephone. The animals are one of your favorite things, and they always put a smile on your face. You love to try and talk to them and pet them whenever they are around. You are going to be an animal lover just like your mommy!
Daddy thinks you are starting to get your first tooth, and I think so too. You've been biting everything you can. I'll sure miss your toothless smile if you really are getting a tooth!
We started you on solids this month, and while we haven't really given you a lot, you seem to like them. You have liked everything we've given you, and now, you will beg people for their food if you see them eating. I hope that you continue to be such a good eater!
We visited a few new places this month, went hiking and picked out your first pumpkin. You also were visited by Grandma and Aunt H, and got to meet more of daddy's family.
Our biggest struggle continues to be getting you to sleep through the night. You are nowhere near that...waking every 2 hours most nights, although sometimes I'm lucky and you sleep 4 hour stretches. It has been rough on mommy not getting a lot sleep, so she is starting to night wean you and look at ways to help you put yourself back to sleep. Hopefully when I write your next letter, sleep will no longer be an issue.
Regardless, you are the greatest joy. Your laughter and smiles are the best parts of my day. I love seeing you grow and change. I love seeing you discover new things. I love how excited you get while jumping on the couch and how you love your daddy. I'm so lucky to have you.
Love you more then words can tell.
7 months old!
You are 7 months old today. Time is flying!
This month you've really focused on trying to talk more. You've gotten dada and daddy down really well. You make some m sounds, and continue to say hey, and hi. I believe we even hear nanana and gaga. I'm hoping by next month you'll have mama down, but who knows.
You are crawling better then ever, and no longer feel like you have to stay in the room with mommy and daddy. Now, you just take off and go to the other room with no problem. I love the way you crawl...we can definitely hear you coming as you slap your hands down! You are cruising along the furniture with no problem and can pull yourself up like you've been doing it forever. You love to climb up and all over mom and dad, especially when it will help you reach something you want. I've seen you try and stand a few times, but you weren't able to. I'm sure you'll keep working on it though!
You love to stare at your reflection and talk to yourself and give yourself kisses. You also love to play with the remote and telephone. The animals are one of your favorite things, and they always put a smile on your face. You love to try and talk to them and pet them whenever they are around. You are going to be an animal lover just like your mommy!
Daddy thinks you are starting to get your first tooth, and I think so too. You've been biting everything you can. I'll sure miss your toothless smile if you really are getting a tooth!
We started you on solids this month, and while we haven't really given you a lot, you seem to like them. You have liked everything we've given you, and now, you will beg people for their food if you see them eating. I hope that you continue to be such a good eater!
We visited a few new places this month, went hiking and picked out your first pumpkin. You also were visited by Grandma and Aunt H, and got to meet more of daddy's family.
Our biggest struggle continues to be getting you to sleep through the night. You are nowhere near that...waking every 2 hours most nights, although sometimes I'm lucky and you sleep 4 hour stretches. It has been rough on mommy not getting a lot sleep, so she is starting to night wean you and look at ways to help you put yourself back to sleep. Hopefully when I write your next letter, sleep will no longer be an issue.
Regardless, you are the greatest joy. Your laughter and smiles are the best parts of my day. I love seeing you grow and change. I love seeing you discover new things. I love how excited you get while jumping on the couch and how you love your daddy. I'm so lucky to have you.
Love you more then words can tell.
7 months old!Monday, September 13, 2010
6 months
Princess P,
You are 6 months old today! I cannot believe it has been 6 months since we brought you home from the hospital and I didn't know what to make of you.
This month you have achieved many milestones. At about 5 and a half months, you pulled yourself up to standing using the couch for the first time. The very next day, you started crawling! You haven't been on the move as much as I expected you would be once you learned how to crawl, but that is mostly because you love to stand and walk along the furniture. Doing so means you get to see what Mommy and Daddy are doing, and you like that. In recent days though, you have become a bit more daring in your crawling and followed me in to the kitchen, and then went in to the kitchen by yourself. I definitely have to keep an eye on you now!
You are starting to talk more now that you are no longer focusing on learning how to move around. I've been hearing some m's and d's and think you are starting to put together some mamama and dadada sounds. One of these days you'll say your first word, but I'm patient. You've been focusing on so many other things first!
I'm very happy to say that we made it a full 6 months exclusively breastfeeding. You have had a few tastes of food in the recent weeks, but nothing that would be considered a meal. I think we've been pretty lucky not to have any real problems and I've really enjoyed our special time. To thin that I helped you get to the size you are is really quite amazing. I don't know your stats yet because we haven't been to the doctor, but I know you are getting big. You are in size 3 diapers and are growing out of all clothes that have the number 3 in them. We tried to give you some banana today, as we start baby-led weaning, and you thought it was fun to mash it around. One of these days you'll get that it goes in your mouth. :)
You still absolutely love to laugh and giggle all the time at Mommy. Daddy has gotten much better at making you laugh too...I think he even found a tickle spot!
This month you went to your first fair, and hiking with Mom and Dad. You've done a lot of traveling to see Grandma and Grandpa and other family, and have been outside a lot. You love to be outside.
You have brought me more joy then I can express. Although I've found your sleepless nights difficult at times (and oh have they been sleepless...up every 2 hours), I can never be upset with your smiling face for long. I sometimes think to the future when making faces at you will no longer make you laugh so easily...and it makes me sad. But for now, I am enjoying every second and trying to remember it as best I can. You have inspired me to be someone I never thought or knew I could be. I can't thank you enough.
I love you little one.
6 months old!
You are 6 months old today! I cannot believe it has been 6 months since we brought you home from the hospital and I didn't know what to make of you.
This month you have achieved many milestones. At about 5 and a half months, you pulled yourself up to standing using the couch for the first time. The very next day, you started crawling! You haven't been on the move as much as I expected you would be once you learned how to crawl, but that is mostly because you love to stand and walk along the furniture. Doing so means you get to see what Mommy and Daddy are doing, and you like that. In recent days though, you have become a bit more daring in your crawling and followed me in to the kitchen, and then went in to the kitchen by yourself. I definitely have to keep an eye on you now!
You are starting to talk more now that you are no longer focusing on learning how to move around. I've been hearing some m's and d's and think you are starting to put together some mamama and dadada sounds. One of these days you'll say your first word, but I'm patient. You've been focusing on so many other things first!
I'm very happy to say that we made it a full 6 months exclusively breastfeeding. You have had a few tastes of food in the recent weeks, but nothing that would be considered a meal. I think we've been pretty lucky not to have any real problems and I've really enjoyed our special time. To thin that I helped you get to the size you are is really quite amazing. I don't know your stats yet because we haven't been to the doctor, but I know you are getting big. You are in size 3 diapers and are growing out of all clothes that have the number 3 in them. We tried to give you some banana today, as we start baby-led weaning, and you thought it was fun to mash it around. One of these days you'll get that it goes in your mouth. :)
You still absolutely love to laugh and giggle all the time at Mommy. Daddy has gotten much better at making you laugh too...I think he even found a tickle spot!
This month you went to your first fair, and hiking with Mom and Dad. You've done a lot of traveling to see Grandma and Grandpa and other family, and have been outside a lot. You love to be outside.
You have brought me more joy then I can express. Although I've found your sleepless nights difficult at times (and oh have they been sleepless...up every 2 hours), I can never be upset with your smiling face for long. I sometimes think to the future when making faces at you will no longer make you laugh so easily...and it makes me sad. But for now, I am enjoying every second and trying to remember it as best I can. You have inspired me to be someone I never thought or knew I could be. I can't thank you enough.
I love you little one.
6 months old!Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A Baby's Laughter
Yesterday I was home with P for over 13 hours by myself because B had a long work day. We normally make it through these days just fine, but yesterday, my normally happy, smiley baby was not herself. I couldn't put her down for longer then 5 minutes without her fussing and reaching out for me and wanting to be held. She refused to take a nap until I put her in the car to run errands. I must admit I was starting to feel frustrated that I couldn't get done the things that I wanted to get done. I didn't want to have to hold her all day and leave my house a mess.
I didn't put P down at her normal bedtime so that B would get some time with her when he finally got home. And when he did, she immediately smiled at him and reached out for him to pick her up. She smiled and laughed at his silly noises and faces. She didn't show an ounce of the grumpy baby she had been all day, but was happy and quite content.
Later B mentioned how good he felt that he had been able to make her laugh so much. It was the first time he had really been able to make her laugh like that, and I could tell how much it meant to him. Although he only got to spend a few minutes with her that day, those few minutes probably made his entire day. And it made me realize that I am truly lucky to be able to stay home with my little one every day, how much I take for granted the laughs I get, the time I get to spend with her and the fact I get to see each of her new milestones as they happen. Although many people have told me to enjoy her while she is little, and that the snuggles stop all to soon, I don't think I really thought about it until right then.
It doesn't matter that the house isn't spic and span and that the laundry isn't done. What matters is the fact I can make my daughter laugh today and that she wants a hug. Especially when those little things can bring such joy.
I'm unwrapping the small things today at Tuesdays Unwrapped.
I didn't put P down at her normal bedtime so that B would get some time with her when he finally got home. And when he did, she immediately smiled at him and reached out for him to pick her up. She smiled and laughed at his silly noises and faces. She didn't show an ounce of the grumpy baby she had been all day, but was happy and quite content.
Later B mentioned how good he felt that he had been able to make her laugh so much. It was the first time he had really been able to make her laugh like that, and I could tell how much it meant to him. Although he only got to spend a few minutes with her that day, those few minutes probably made his entire day. And it made me realize that I am truly lucky to be able to stay home with my little one every day, how much I take for granted the laughs I get, the time I get to spend with her and the fact I get to see each of her new milestones as they happen. Although many people have told me to enjoy her while she is little, and that the snuggles stop all to soon, I don't think I really thought about it until right then.
It doesn't matter that the house isn't spic and span and that the laundry isn't done. What matters is the fact I can make my daughter laugh today and that she wants a hug. Especially when those little things can bring such joy.
I'm unwrapping the small things today at Tuesdays Unwrapped.
Friday, August 13, 2010
5 months old
Princess P,
You are 5 months old today! You are becoming such a big girl! Last month at your doctor's checkup, you were 14 pounds, 7 ounces and 26.5 inches long. That put you in the 99th percentile for height! I hope you don't keep growing so fast, as I want to continue to enjoy your smallness for a little while longer!
You are so much fun right now. You laugh ALL the time and hardly ever stop smiling. Daddy can swing you around and bounce you and you think it is the best thing in the world. You also think that Juju is fascinating and will do anything to get to her and pet her.
You are moving all over the place now. Not quite crawling yet, but you scoot on your belly and army crawl really fast. I can tell I will be in BIG trouble when you do learn to crawl! You also learned to sit up on your own this month. It happened rather quickly, and boy are you proud of yourself! You can also pull yourself all the way up to standing...you just need someone to help you balance.
You still love your hands and have discovered that you can put everything else in your mouth too. My favorite things that you think you need to suck on are my laptop, the tv stand and your swing. Beyond being fascinated with everything now, if mommy or daddy put the laptop, camera or a water bottle on the floor, they become the focus of your attention and you want to get to them so badly! You really love to punch the keys on the laptop, which isn't always fun for mommy when she's trying to get stuff done. :)
This past month we took at trip to New Jersey by ourselves to visit Aunt H and the trip was really rough on you (and me!) because you got bored. But we made it and we had a great time. You even got to go swimming for the first time and you thought it was the best thing ever! You splashed and kicked and had a great time. We'll do it again as soon as we can, I promise!
Sleep has still been a bit of an issue, although you've done so well some nights. You actually slept 8-9 hours several nights, but then went back to 3 hour stretches and are now sleeping 5-6 hours. I think you wake yourself up practicing everything you are learning and can't yet go back to sleep. It is hard on mommy sometimes to have to keep getting up, but I also try to remember that you are only this little for a certain time and I bet at some point I'll miss our bonding time at night when it's over.
I love you so so much little girl. Happy 5 months!
5 months old!
You are 5 months old today! You are becoming such a big girl! Last month at your doctor's checkup, you were 14 pounds, 7 ounces and 26.5 inches long. That put you in the 99th percentile for height! I hope you don't keep growing so fast, as I want to continue to enjoy your smallness for a little while longer!
You are so much fun right now. You laugh ALL the time and hardly ever stop smiling. Daddy can swing you around and bounce you and you think it is the best thing in the world. You also think that Juju is fascinating and will do anything to get to her and pet her.
You are moving all over the place now. Not quite crawling yet, but you scoot on your belly and army crawl really fast. I can tell I will be in BIG trouble when you do learn to crawl! You also learned to sit up on your own this month. It happened rather quickly, and boy are you proud of yourself! You can also pull yourself all the way up to standing...you just need someone to help you balance.
You still love your hands and have discovered that you can put everything else in your mouth too. My favorite things that you think you need to suck on are my laptop, the tv stand and your swing. Beyond being fascinated with everything now, if mommy or daddy put the laptop, camera or a water bottle on the floor, they become the focus of your attention and you want to get to them so badly! You really love to punch the keys on the laptop, which isn't always fun for mommy when she's trying to get stuff done. :)
This past month we took at trip to New Jersey by ourselves to visit Aunt H and the trip was really rough on you (and me!) because you got bored. But we made it and we had a great time. You even got to go swimming for the first time and you thought it was the best thing ever! You splashed and kicked and had a great time. We'll do it again as soon as we can, I promise!
Sleep has still been a bit of an issue, although you've done so well some nights. You actually slept 8-9 hours several nights, but then went back to 3 hour stretches and are now sleeping 5-6 hours. I think you wake yourself up practicing everything you are learning and can't yet go back to sleep. It is hard on mommy sometimes to have to keep getting up, but I also try to remember that you are only this little for a certain time and I bet at some point I'll miss our bonding time at night when it's over.
I love you so so much little girl. Happy 5 months!
5 months old!Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
4 months old
Princess P,
You are 4 months old today. I guess I'm having a hard time believing that it has been 4 months since I first met you. It seems like time has been going so fast and you have changed so much in that short time. Can you stay little and stop growing so fast?
This month you've been showing even more of your personality and are such a happy baby. I finally got you to laugh, and now you laugh every day. Some times you laugh at the silliest things...like mommy saying hi to you. But I would do anything to hear that laugh, as it just makes my day (and makes me laugh too!). We started doing mama/baby yoga together and you seem to really enjoy it. You love to be on your belly now and able to look all around. You also really want mommy and daddy to sit or stand you up.
I don't know how much you've grown yet because we haven't been to the doctor's yet, but you are getting big. You have some of the cutest chubby thighs and you sure are getting long. You moved up to size 2 diapers a little in to your 14th week, and I think you may be there for a bit.
You still love to talk and have your "h's" down pat. You roll all over the place and even get up on your hands and knees now. I am worried you may start crawling before I am ready. For now though, you seem happy to scoot, roll and creep your way around. Even better though, you like to lay on your back and hold your feet. Sometimes mommy will pick you up and you'll keep a hold of your feet when she has you! They are your favorite things to play with.
I can see that you are starting to understand things now and are putting together things like how to reach for toys and get them to make noise. It is amazing seeing you develop like you are.
I love you baby girl and am so glad you are mine.
4 months old!
You are 4 months old today. I guess I'm having a hard time believing that it has been 4 months since I first met you. It seems like time has been going so fast and you have changed so much in that short time. Can you stay little and stop growing so fast?
This month you've been showing even more of your personality and are such a happy baby. I finally got you to laugh, and now you laugh every day. Some times you laugh at the silliest things...like mommy saying hi to you. But I would do anything to hear that laugh, as it just makes my day (and makes me laugh too!). We started doing mama/baby yoga together and you seem to really enjoy it. You love to be on your belly now and able to look all around. You also really want mommy and daddy to sit or stand you up.
I don't know how much you've grown yet because we haven't been to the doctor's yet, but you are getting big. You have some of the cutest chubby thighs and you sure are getting long. You moved up to size 2 diapers a little in to your 14th week, and I think you may be there for a bit.
You still love to talk and have your "h's" down pat. You roll all over the place and even get up on your hands and knees now. I am worried you may start crawling before I am ready. For now though, you seem happy to scoot, roll and creep your way around. Even better though, you like to lay on your back and hold your feet. Sometimes mommy will pick you up and you'll keep a hold of your feet when she has you! They are your favorite things to play with.
I can see that you are starting to understand things now and are putting together things like how to reach for toys and get them to make noise. It is amazing seeing you develop like you are.
I love you baby girl and am so glad you are mine.
4 months old!Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Funny Faces
We had to take one of our dogs, Jem to the vet the other day when we noticed she had done something to her eye.
(This is Jem)
After the vet had inspected her and was talking to us about what might be wrong, Jem sat down and looked up at me. And after a few moments, I realized that I was making faces at Jem that were very similar to the ones that I make at Princess P in an effort to get her to smile and entertain her. As if my dog would react to my silly smile. I have no idea if anyone else noticed, but I sure did. And I felt kinda silly. And I began to wonder how often I make those faces at Princess P out in public...
Funny how my actions have changed in the short time I've been a mom. And how really, I don't much care.
How can I when this is the response I get?
Jem should be fine by the way. At least her eye should be. She might be scarred from my ridiculous faces though. :)
(This is Jem)After the vet had inspected her and was talking to us about what might be wrong, Jem sat down and looked up at me. And after a few moments, I realized that I was making faces at Jem that were very similar to the ones that I make at Princess P in an effort to get her to smile and entertain her. As if my dog would react to my silly smile. I have no idea if anyone else noticed, but I sure did. And I felt kinda silly. And I began to wonder how often I make those faces at Princess P out in public...
Funny how my actions have changed in the short time I've been a mom. And how really, I don't much care.
How can I when this is the response I get?Jem should be fine by the way. At least her eye should be. She might be scarred from my ridiculous faces though. :)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
3 months old
Princess P,
You are 3 months old today. How you have grown in the past month! You have become quite the mover, learning how to roll from your back to your belly and your belly to your back (although sometimes you get stuck on your belly and need help getting rolling back over). I can't put you down on your play mat anymore without you ending up feet from where you started! Not only that, but you have gotten really good at picking your head up and scooting around on your belly by pushing your legs (even though your face is also on the ground!).
Your smiles continue to light up my day, and you never fail to give them to me or daddy when we need one. You still love to talk to us, and sometimes can be so serious when talking. It is like you have a big story to tell us, and you are trying sooo hard to get us to understand!
You figured out how to pull on your lady bug to make music, although you don't do it very often. And your hands are becoming your favorite things to suck on...which has been a nice rest for mommy and daddy's fingers. :) Although you are touching your feet, you haven't quite looked at them yet and figured out that they are there. But I sure love when you put your feet together...so cute!
Mommy has started to wear you more and you sure do a good job. You love to look around at all the sites, but also love that you can just fall asleep on mommy if you've had too much fun. Speaking of sleep, you've started to sleep a little longer at night, but you still don't give mommy very long stretches. Maybe we can work on that this next month, since this month you did so well at getting on a schedule.
Little one, you have brought so much joy and happiness to my life. I love you so much and love seeing you grow. Being your mommy is the best thing I've ever done.
3 months old!
You are 3 months old today. How you have grown in the past month! You have become quite the mover, learning how to roll from your back to your belly and your belly to your back (although sometimes you get stuck on your belly and need help getting rolling back over). I can't put you down on your play mat anymore without you ending up feet from where you started! Not only that, but you have gotten really good at picking your head up and scooting around on your belly by pushing your legs (even though your face is also on the ground!).
Your smiles continue to light up my day, and you never fail to give them to me or daddy when we need one. You still love to talk to us, and sometimes can be so serious when talking. It is like you have a big story to tell us, and you are trying sooo hard to get us to understand!
You figured out how to pull on your lady bug to make music, although you don't do it very often. And your hands are becoming your favorite things to suck on...which has been a nice rest for mommy and daddy's fingers. :) Although you are touching your feet, you haven't quite looked at them yet and figured out that they are there. But I sure love when you put your feet together...so cute!
Mommy has started to wear you more and you sure do a good job. You love to look around at all the sites, but also love that you can just fall asleep on mommy if you've had too much fun. Speaking of sleep, you've started to sleep a little longer at night, but you still don't give mommy very long stretches. Maybe we can work on that this next month, since this month you did so well at getting on a schedule.
Little one, you have brought so much joy and happiness to my life. I love you so much and love seeing you grow. Being your mommy is the best thing I've ever done.
3 months old!Thursday, May 13, 2010
2 months old
Princess P,
You are 2 months old today. How quickly time has flown! There is a part of me that is so excited to continue to watch you grow and change, and a part of me that is so sad that you are growing so fast. I wish that I could slow it down a bit so that I am sure to remember it!
This month, you weighed in at 11 pounds on the dot, and were 23 inches long! You have changed in so many ways, beyond just the physical. You are smiling all the time now, and you love to have conversations with your mommy and daddy. You have learned to blow bubbles and that if you bat at the toys on your play mat they will make noise. You can really grip things and are focusing on your toys much better then last month! You love to be on your playmat, and look at the owls that are above your swing. And, you made it through a bout of baby acne that didn't bother you, but sure bothered your momma. You took your first bath in your tub and moved up to size 1 diapers. You continue to love to look at the world around you and I can tell that you are learning with each new day.
Even though you still give your mom and dad a hard time when it comes to taking naps, or even leaving you alone, you have started to become more independent. I can see some of your personality coming out, and can't wait to see more of it.
Mommy has changed a lot too since you were born. I never knew that I could love someone so deeply so quickly. I love to spend time with you, and my world no longer revolves around me, but you. You have helped me to see the important things in life, and that so much of what I focused on before wasn't, well, so important. As I look at you napping beside me, I can't help but feel so lucky and blessed!
2 months old!
You are 2 months old today. How quickly time has flown! There is a part of me that is so excited to continue to watch you grow and change, and a part of me that is so sad that you are growing so fast. I wish that I could slow it down a bit so that I am sure to remember it!
This month, you weighed in at 11 pounds on the dot, and were 23 inches long! You have changed in so many ways, beyond just the physical. You are smiling all the time now, and you love to have conversations with your mommy and daddy. You have learned to blow bubbles and that if you bat at the toys on your play mat they will make noise. You can really grip things and are focusing on your toys much better then last month! You love to be on your playmat, and look at the owls that are above your swing. And, you made it through a bout of baby acne that didn't bother you, but sure bothered your momma. You took your first bath in your tub and moved up to size 1 diapers. You continue to love to look at the world around you and I can tell that you are learning with each new day.
Even though you still give your mom and dad a hard time when it comes to taking naps, or even leaving you alone, you have started to become more independent. I can see some of your personality coming out, and can't wait to see more of it.
Mommy has changed a lot too since you were born. I never knew that I could love someone so deeply so quickly. I love to spend time with you, and my world no longer revolves around me, but you. You have helped me to see the important things in life, and that so much of what I focused on before wasn't, well, so important. As I look at you napping beside me, I can't help but feel so lucky and blessed!
2 months old!Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Pregnancy to Birth, part 1
Since I have been enjoying my little one for the past 7 weeks and not really updating (heck, I haven't updated in quite some time with the happenings in my life...oops. I really do feel sad about this. I would have loved to have a record of my thoughts on pregnancy while they were happening, etc.), I thought I'd try to document a lot of it now. I also think there can never be enough birth stories out there for women to have an idea of what to expect, what others experience, etc. I know I read a lot of them before I gave birth! I also think my feelings and emotions are important to acknowledge, especially as I find myself in awe of the little person who is currently sleeping beside me. So, I'm going to be completely honest, regardless of how I think it may make some people see me...
I actually want to start with before I even found out I was pregnant. For quite a large portion of my life, I always said I wanted to be a "young" mom. To me, that meant having a baby in my early 20s, but definitely not in my 30s. I think I wanted this because my mom was 31 when she had me and my dad was 35...and I thought they were sooo old compared to my friend's parents (really, they weren't, but who knows). Of course, I also had my whole life planned out, and since I was in a serious relationship by the time I was 17, and engaged at 21 (planned to be married at 23), I felt I was pretty on track to be a young mom. I figured by the time I was 25, I'd have my first, or at least be pregnant with my first. Of course, even the best of plans can fall by the wayside and my engagement ended and I wasn't married at 25, much less pregnant. Actually, at 25, I was enjoying my life and my freedom. Looking back now, I can't even imagine having a baby at 25...but I guess if I had been married I may have been feeling a bit different, who knows? Anyway, at 25 I was just meeting B and I was married at 26.
At the time we were married, kids weren't even really on my radar. Weird how that happens. But anyway, B had said beforehand that he wanted to wait a few years (if at all) and that was fine with me. I actually started to think we may not even have kids and that was pretty ok with me too. I really enjoyed having our time together, and I liked my time to myself. So, I was pretty surprised when 6 months after we were married B said "I think I want to try and have a baby." My response? "You mean, now? Within the next few months?"I was actually, not that excited about the prospect. I was caught off guard, but also feeling like I didn't want to give up the life I was living...I liked it. I think B realized I was caught off guard and told me that he didn't mean right away...but that he wasn't getting any younger and that one day he had realized he really wanted to be a dad. I thought about it a lot and really didn't know how I felt. A part of me was just ugh, no, and the other wanted to give B what he wanted...and that part won. A month later I decided to stop taking my birth control...not because we wanted to get pregnant immediately, but because we thought it was going to be hard for us to get pregnant (for a few reasons...one of which was because of the lingering effects of my eating disorder). I started eating more to gain some weight since I didn't think I'd be able to get pregnant without a bit more fat on my bones, and we took the attitude of it will happen when it was meant to happen...which was apparently pretty quickly since I got pregnant less then 2 months later!
My next post in this series, I'll talk more about my feelings about being pregnant and my pregnancy...
Last picture taken of me and B before I got pregnant...(2 weeks before!) :)
I actually want to start with before I even found out I was pregnant. For quite a large portion of my life, I always said I wanted to be a "young" mom. To me, that meant having a baby in my early 20s, but definitely not in my 30s. I think I wanted this because my mom was 31 when she had me and my dad was 35...and I thought they were sooo old compared to my friend's parents (really, they weren't, but who knows). Of course, I also had my whole life planned out, and since I was in a serious relationship by the time I was 17, and engaged at 21 (planned to be married at 23), I felt I was pretty on track to be a young mom. I figured by the time I was 25, I'd have my first, or at least be pregnant with my first. Of course, even the best of plans can fall by the wayside and my engagement ended and I wasn't married at 25, much less pregnant. Actually, at 25, I was enjoying my life and my freedom. Looking back now, I can't even imagine having a baby at 25...but I guess if I had been married I may have been feeling a bit different, who knows? Anyway, at 25 I was just meeting B and I was married at 26.
At the time we were married, kids weren't even really on my radar. Weird how that happens. But anyway, B had said beforehand that he wanted to wait a few years (if at all) and that was fine with me. I actually started to think we may not even have kids and that was pretty ok with me too. I really enjoyed having our time together, and I liked my time to myself. So, I was pretty surprised when 6 months after we were married B said "I think I want to try and have a baby." My response? "You mean, now? Within the next few months?"I was actually, not that excited about the prospect. I was caught off guard, but also feeling like I didn't want to give up the life I was living...I liked it. I think B realized I was caught off guard and told me that he didn't mean right away...but that he wasn't getting any younger and that one day he had realized he really wanted to be a dad. I thought about it a lot and really didn't know how I felt. A part of me was just ugh, no, and the other wanted to give B what he wanted...and that part won. A month later I decided to stop taking my birth control...not because we wanted to get pregnant immediately, but because we thought it was going to be hard for us to get pregnant (for a few reasons...one of which was because of the lingering effects of my eating disorder). I started eating more to gain some weight since I didn't think I'd be able to get pregnant without a bit more fat on my bones, and we took the attitude of it will happen when it was meant to happen...which was apparently pretty quickly since I got pregnant less then 2 months later!
My next post in this series, I'll talk more about my feelings about being pregnant and my pregnancy...
Last picture taken of me and B before I got pregnant...(2 weeks before!) :)Saturday, May 1, 2010
7 weeks
My little girl is 7 weeks old today. Time has absolutely flown by. I have honestly enjoyed every moment...except maybe the one day that I couldn't get her to stop crying for more then about 15 minutes (of course when B came inside, she stopped for him). I have had moments of absolute joy...when I realize how amazing it is that I helped create this little person and watching her change, and times of sadness...when I see how quickly she is changing and realize that I'll never get the days back when she was this little tiny being so new to the world. She probably doesn't appreciate the camera I have stuck in her face many times a day, but my only regret so far has been that we didn't take enough pictures in the hospital and of her as an itty bitty thing. I don't want to miss any more changes.
I have spoken often on this blog about how I don't know what I am supposed to be doing with my life and how difficult it has been for me. These past weeks I have realized that I was meant to be something I never would have imagined. A mother.
I have spoken often on this blog about how I don't know what I am supposed to be doing with my life and how difficult it has been for me. These past weeks I have realized that I was meant to be something I never would have imagined. A mother.
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