Monday, October 20, 2008

Feeling Discontented

Is discontented a word? I don't know. But it seems to accurately describe how I have been feeling. I guess you could say that I have been feeling this way for quite some time...and have been waiting and hoping that something would come along and help.

Let me start by saying that there are many aspects of my life that I love and am so glad have happened over the last year. I got married to an amazing man...and he truly is amazing, as he puts up with my insecurities and crazy moments. He supports me even when it isn't easy and I know he loves me dearly. We bought a farm that feels like our own little piece of heaven, despite the work it takes to maintain it. I'm surrounded by my animals, that I love with a passion. I've met some pretty great people, that have become good fixtures in my life, and who I really appreciate. So, there are things that I feel content and happy with.

On the other hand, I still feel like I am searching for something. A part of it, I am pretty sure, is what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I am certain that working at a daycare is NOT it. I don't know what else I am searching for...

A long time ago, before my dad passed away, I had my whole life planned out (married by 23, mom a few years later, job in Arizona, etc., etc... I knew what I wanted and everything was on track) and I was excited about where I saw it going. I was, for the first time in a long time, happy and content with my life. In fact, I felt as if the year before he passed away was the best year of my life up to that point. I had started grad school in a place I loved, met new friends that I loved, got engaged to the man I loved, and really, I just felt great. My life to that point had not always been great. I struggled with many things...my eating disorder, shyness, a feeling of not being good enough, and not being able to escape the identity of being a figure skater no mater how hard I tried...there are other things too, but you get the picture. But I had overcome all that and was finally doing things I loved and was in a place I felt good about.

When my dad passed away...I felt as if my life crumbled. My plan was no longer going to work. I became depressed, and to make it through each day was incredibly difficult. I became estranged from most of my family at this point because I felt they were not honoring my dad's wishes, my engagement crumbled, and my friends graduated and moved on to other schools. The one thing I can remember that brought me any happiness during that time, was my success with the farm. I eventually worked my way out of the depression and found joy in my new job. I found things I loved to do again and I enjoyed the feeling of family that came with my staff and my friends. But there was always something missing from my heart and my life.

Last year, as I struggled through a very difficult year with my job, and made the decision (the very right decision) to leave after the year was up, I was faced with what I was going to do after I left. I no longer felt so passionate about working with college students because of my experiences with them the past year (I was in a way, very burnt out, and feeling very unappreciated for the job I had done). I had been forced to give up the one thing I felt I was really good at, selling trees and the farm...and where did that leave me? I was struck with the fact that I had no idea where my passion was anymore.

Almost a year later, I still have no idea. I have no idea how to find it. I worry that I will be forced in to a job that I really do not want to do just so I am bringing in a paycheck and getting out of the house. I don't want to be in another job that leaves me miserable at the end of the day. I wake up every morning trying to understand what my meaning is. What is it that I am supposed to be doing in this world and with my life? Why is it taking me so long to find the answer? Not knowing, at times makes me irritable and sad. And I feel like I could have it so much worse so I should be grateful, but it is hard to remember that sometimes.

For someone who always had a plan and knew where her life was going, the unknown and no direction is really scary. To not know what else it is that will leave me feeling whole and no longer looking...to not understand why I can't feel content with my life the way it is now. I don't always understand. I worry that people will think I am not grateful for what I have. I truly am. I just want my heart to feel lighter again and not be longing for something that I have no idea what it is.

I just thought I'd share...

6 comments:

Blue said...

ditto.

only it's been going on for a lot longer for me than you. and i've never actually had a plan of my own. the things i hoped for have never really evolved, but the circumstances surrounding my ability to have those things in my life have. so though life isn't miserable, and though i have wonderful people in my life, i am presently in an "enduring" phase. just hanging in there till i figure things out. hope you do too!

Meridith @ The Road Less Traveled said...

right there with you (((hugs)))

I always planned to be a SAHM, but infertility had kept that dream from becoming a reality... so now I'm searching for what I'm suppose to do now....

emily said...

Hi Wolf...responding to your comment for why you blog...I love your reason "to inspire myself to write again". It looks like it is working indeed.

I think everyone can relate with the feelings you describe in this post. I remember feeling some of these things shortly after I was married. It will be interesting to see what happens in the coming years for you. I hope you find what you are looking for.

ann ominous said...

sometimes i think that life's biggest lesson is for us to learn to have patience and that everything will be okay.

it's SO hard for me to believe that when i am worried about what will happen next or where i'm going to be 10 years from now.

i'm trying really hard to... it's good to know that i'm not the only one who questions life's direction.

i think you should start a horse farm. i would board my horse with you in a heart beat :-)

Yaya said...

Wow-this post brought tears to my eyes. I know how you feel. Oddly, we have many similarities in our life. I too am still trying to figure out my life. I thought for sure I'd know by now, but it just doesn't seem to ever fully 'come to me'.
(((Hugs)))
Live well, Laugh often, Love much.

Hula's Secret Blog said...

Yeah, sorry, guess I don't have any brilliant advice for you, except that you're not alone :(

I started acupuncture this year and it REALLY helps for balancing me out and giving me deeper clarification of things. Maybe try that?

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