As I have been reading blogs the last few days...or weeks really...I have noticed the common theme of thankfulness coming up as people prepare for Thanksgiving. I guess that makes sense, considering Thanksgiving is a time for people to think about and remember the things they are thankful for. Thanksgiving was never really a big holiday in my family...my dad was typically working and my mom sometimes had to work too. When I was younger, there were a few years my sister and I went to the Outer Banks with my aunt, uncle and cousins for Thanksgiving...but that stopped when my skating took off. After that, I never really went anywhere until I started dating my ex, and celebrating Thanksgiving with his family. After we broke up, and my dad passed away, I stopped Thanksgiving all together. Some of this had to do with the fact that we set up the tree lot on Thanksgiving, some of it had to do with the fact that I felt I had nowhere to go.
I will admit, that the last few years of my life, I have not felt that thankful. I've focused a lot on the bad things that have happened...and sometimes wallowed in my pity. I've felt bitter and angry and held on to things that happened as I was growing up, that happened recently, and that continue to happen...some of these things I've talked about on this blog already, and others maybe one day I will be brave enough to share. The point is though, that I've allowed my pessimistic side to show and take over. I don't really know when this happened. But it has really taken over...to the point where sometimes I just think that there is no way a good thing will happen, and am not surprised when the bad thing ends up happening. Perhaps it is the expecting the bad thing that makes it happen. I don't know.
There is a huge part of me that misses the happy-go-lucky person I once was. I miss the confidence and the feeling that things would go my way. I wonder where she went and how she disappeared. I truly don't know why I let her go so far away, and I don't know how to get her back. I miss that person. B thinks I need to start thinking about the good things that have happened rather then focusing on the bad. I tend to think he is right (don't tell him that though! :)) but have a hard time getting there. One of the ways I am going to start, is by listing five things I am thankful for as it is Thanksgiving (or thereabouts...this post has taken me a bit to finish).
So, here goes:
1) I am thankful for B. He is an amazing man...I talk about him a lot on here, but have never really given you an idea of who he is...one day, hopefully. But, he has supported me and loved me through difficult times and struggles, and loves me even though I am nowhere near perfect, or good at cleaning. :) Seriously though, I can be a frustrating individual at times. I'm stubborn, and ridiculously set in my ways, and am trying to figure out my place in life. And this guy decided that despite those things, he wanted to spend forever with me anyway. He loves me very well and I am incredibly thankful for the one person in life that loves me despite all my flaws.
2) I am incredibly thankful for my friends K and Neil. I miss them terribly since they both moved away last summer, and I am not the best person at keeping in touch with people, even when they are my best friends. But, I know that if I need them they will be there for me in a heartbeat and with sound advice and ears.
3) I am thankful for my beautiful house and property that allows me to have all my animals close to me. For so many years I lived away from my animals...my animals are one of my biggest passions...and it was incredibly difficult for me. Now, they are all here. Finally. After 4 years. I can look out my bedroom windows in the morning and on one side I see my horses, and I can look out the other side and see our pond and the rest of our horses. It is a beautiful sight. I can hear our wolves howling at night, and can walk outside to play with my dogs. The dogs can run and enjoy themselves. My animals help me in so many ways and I love them all for different reasons...but mostly for their unconditional devotion and love. They are such amazing companions.
4) I am thankful that B and I are able to live ok without two solid incomes for a little while while I find a job that has some meaning to me. While I loved my last job...things happened and I also had to live on-campus, which I no longer wanted to do. I am thankful I was able to leave (so I could experience number 3) and have time to find something else that will be a suitable fit and not stress me out as much as my last job. I know that not everyone out there has that privilege and I am grateful for what we have.
5) Although I may not always be so positive, I am thankful for my life. B shared the following story with me the day before Thanksgiving...and I think it puts things in perspective. And it really made me think. This little guy did pass away...and you can find more stories about him on YouTube, etc.
I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and time with your family. I am thankful for my bloggy friends as well!