I hung up on a telemarketer yesterday.

ETA: I just reread this post. I started it a few days ago and kept working on it as the thoughts came and I realize it isn't everything I meant to say and a bit jumbled. I'm leaving it up though. In the end, it hits on the thoughts I was having, and that's what matters. Just don't mind the rambling... :)

That might not seem like such a bad thing, right? Telemarketers are annoying, half the time I can't understand what they are saying, and they always call at the worst times. Not to mention, I tell them I'm not interested, and they still keep trying to sell. But, the fact I hung up and was rude really made me think.

Why? A couple reasons, and all go back to about 9 years ago, during summer after my freshman year of college (omg, 9 years ago...), when I became a telemarketer. It was a stupid idea. I am not cut out to be a telemarketer. I get upset when someone yells at me, or is rude, and am just not pushy. But the hours and pay were good. I told myself it was only for a few months and I could make it. And I did, although there were a few times my feelings got hurt (they weren't really yelling at me, just at the fact that telemarketers, are, well, an annoyance but I still took it to heart), and many times I couldn't wait until I no longer had to go to that small room and dial numbers from lists. I left that job with an appreciation for what telemarketers go through, and told myself that I would never be rude to them. Would politely interrupt them, and ask them to "please put me on your do-not call list," and tell them to have a nice day. After all, I understand that they need to make money, just like everyone else. Over the years, I've stuck to not being rude to them, even when it has been hard. But yesterday, I hung up the phone without a word and couldn't help the fact I was seething inside. Maybe it was the fact that I was cleaning and the phone was upstairs, so I had to run to find it. Maybe it was the fact that I'd had a long morning with the animals and wasn't in the mood to have to deal with another person badgering me. But as I thought about it more, I realized that it is probably because I'm not in the place I need to be in my life right now.

I've written a few times on here about how confused I am about what I am supposed to be doing with my life. That confusion has, at times, driven me a bit batty. My brain tells me that I need to apply for jobs because our economy sucks right now and it would definitely not hurt to have another paycheck coming in. That means I have applied for several jobs that it is possible I could get, but that I don't really feel my heart would be into. Just this past week, I was invited for an interview for a job I applied to back in October. I never actually thought I would get an interview for this job...I was qualified, sure, but the job description was very specific in saying that the person for the job would have knowledge of law schools and the law field, which I do not have. So, I was surprised back in December when I was asked for a phone interview (which I thought I did miserably at...since I don't know anything about law schools and it was blatantly apparent), and I was even more surprised when I learned I was a top candidate and they wanted me to be one of the few (typically 3-4) people they interviewed with face-to-face. When I got the call that they wanted to interview me, my stomach dropped...and not in a good way. Why? A few reasons.

The first being that in the months since I'd originally applied, I've come to see more and more that an 8-5 job, 5 days a week, 12 months a year was going to be extremely hard for me. I've been lucky in the past to have flexible jobs that weren't specifically 8-5 and where I only worked 10 months out of the year. I enjoy my time off, and I enjoy flexibility. But mostly, I enjoy being able to spend time with B, and on the farm. B works 7-3 every day but Thurday and Friday, and taking an 8-5 job would mean I'd never be off on the same days as him, and rarely see him. It is important to me to be able to spend time with him, and have days where we can take the whole day to explore or work on projects. It would mean I'd come home and be tired and not get anything done around the house, or be in the mood to spend time with the animals. The second was that, well, I truly felt I'd make an idiot out of myself trying to interview. I'm not one to make an idiot out of myself. Ha. Well, maybe I should rephrase that. I don't want to go in to a situation where I know I would make an idiot out of myself. I do it all the time not meaning to... :) And finally, I don't think I truly felt passionate about the job. It wasn't something I really wanted to do. Not something that I'd look forward to waking up for in the morning. Not something that I'd mind working extra on the weekends or evenings for. Still though, I faked being excited and said,
"Ok, I'll come in and interview."

For a week I couldn't stop thinking about this interview. Couldn't stop asking myself why I was putting myself through something and what I would do if I actually got offered the job. I knew I would take it, if only because I'm bad at saying no...and because a paycheck is a nice thing, especially in this lovely economy we are in. I thought about the positives and the negatives. But in my heart, I knew it was wrong. When the telemarketer called and I hung up on him...I thought no only about my attitude with life right now, but also about the fact that when I was a telemarketer I hated it. But, I was able to stick it out and get through. Couldn't I do the same with this job? Not really wanting to be there...but being able to stick it through? The job was only a 2 year contract and I could bare it. I think. And who knows, I might end up liking it.

I was really stressed about the interview. To the point that when I got an email telling me I'd have to do a 15 minute presentation as a part of the interview, I started to cry. Weird reaction, I know. But, what? A presentation? On a topic I've had to research to hopefully be able to not sound totally oblivious about? There was no way I'd be able to do that. Maybe in a past life. When I had a bit more confidence in myself and what I wanted to do. But it was a little too much for me. I'm already pretty shy when it comes to presentations, but on a topic I don't have a background it...it would have been pretty mortifying. I talked to B about it a lot. He told me to pull my name from consideration. But, how could I do that? They would be so disappointed. I'd let them down. And wouldn't that be just plain stupid? But wouldn't taking myself out of consideration give someone else a chance? Someone who would probably really enjoy the job and maybe really need it?

After a weekend of stressing about the presentation, and talking to B about what the right thing to do, I pulled my name. I know it was the right thing to do. But it was still difficult. And I still have this desire to figure out what my purpose is. As B says, a job is not what defines me. It isn't really what gives me purpose either. But it is hard to change one's thinking when it seems that society many times looks down on those that don't have a good job, or are staying at home (I've experienced this many times already). I do have a desire to contribute to our little family as well. Cleaning and doing chores around the farm doesn't make me feel like I am contributing as I'm supposed to be. Be home with the animals does make me happy. As does the ability to spend time with B. But, there are days that I want to DO something. But what? I don't know. I've given it a bit of thought. Maybe, when I start subbing more (I haven't been called in anymore, so I've been putting in applications to sub in more places) I'll feel better. I'm not sure. But, one thing I really want to give a try is writing again. I want to sit down and write the things I want to write. To not be scared to share them. So, I'm going to try and make myself. I finally have the time and I should use it. I've been so scared to write because when I do, it is always very personal...and there is a part of me that runs from that.

So...one thing I've decided is that I'll share some of my old poetry on here. I haven't really shared my poetry other then with people in classes in college and a few very close friends. But, it is time to put some of my work out there. Maybe, when I get gutsy (and when I can find them) I'll put a few of my short stories out. And, eventually, I'll get some new stuff done. I think I need to do it for myself.

Wow, that was a long post. Sorry if it didn't make complete sense...my thoughts are kinda all over the place! Who would have thought hanging up on a telemarketer would bring me to think about all this?