I'm having one of those nights where I am nowhere near tired...and I can't think of what to do with myself. I'd love to start another book, but the ones I can find, are not satisfactory...I started one and couldn't get past the first few pages (very unlike me). Maybe I need a reading break as I return to a world that is not Twilight.
Maybe I should clean since we will be having a dinner guest tomorrow. I prefer to save that for the morning though. So, I guess, I will write my year in review post. A lot of stuff happened this year and my life continues to...make me wonder...is that the right word? I'm not sure. This will probably be long... Anyway, here goes:
January/February - I list these two months together because they were much a blur to me. A hazy time of pain and sadness and I find it hard to distinguish between what happened during what month. A spent these two months in a bout of depression that was scary and very difficult for me to handle. I knew I had been sad and been dealing with many overwhelming things in my life (agreeing to the sale of my beloved farm, working my last time at the lot in December, our contract on the perfect house falling through, and facing a loss of the passion I once felt for my job due to a lack of support during a very rough three months in which students falsely accused me of targeting them in order to get out of suspension - it didn't work at first, but I found out in December that the suspension got overturned by an administrator who never felt it necessary to talk to me and get my side of the story...imagine how it felt to someone who loved her job and always worked hard to do the right thing...) but I did not want to admit to myself that I was depressed and needed help. I spent several weeks sad, on edge, trapped in my head, unable to sleep and barely eating. When all was said and done, I had lost 15 pounds. I knew what was wrong, but to admit it was very hard. I have seen my mom struggle with being bi-polar for much of my life, and I didn't want that to be me. I finally went to the doctor though, and she put me on some medication. The first stuff I tried made me worse...I felt sick to my stomach all the time, my heart would race, and in general it didn't make me feel good. So, I tried something else, and eventually things started to look up. It was a difficult time. I was very glad for people like K, who took care of me and helped me get back on my feet.
March - I turned 26 (yikes, not a fan of birthdays...I liked being in my early 20s!), and B and I finally went under contract on a house. K and I traveled to Atlanta for a conference, and had a lot of fun together, as we always do. It was at this time that I became firm in my decision that I would not return to my job after the end of the school year in June (couldn't anyway if I bought a house, I had to live on-campus to have my job) and while I was glad to have made the decision, it was also sad to commit to leave a field I had spent 7 years of my life doing. It was the absolute right decision for me though, and I've never thought otherwise.
April - After a lot of discussion, B and I decided to add a high-content wolfdog pup to our family. We have both always loved wolves, B has had a mid-content wolfdog for the past 5 years...there is something about them that have always just drawn me to them... So, we traveled 6 hours round trip to pick up Titan, a pup who was 1 generation away from a full wolf. He became the light of our days...a loving little bugger who was always into something. We committed ourselves fully to making sure he was raised the right way...socialized a lot, and experiencing new things. He loved to howl with me. :) Although he took a lot of work, we were dedicated to raising him right (and he fell in love with my chow-mix Jasmine). Shortly after we got him, my grandmother passed away on April 11th. My grandmother was my last remaining grandparent and she passed away at the age of 95. I last saw her on Christmas, as I made the decision not to go see her when she started to fail, for fear of that being my last memory of her...I am still haunted by my memories of my dad's final days, and of my other grandmother's...and although I wish I could have seen her one more time, I'm hoping this decision proves to have been the right one. My grandmother was an amazing woman. She loved her children and grandchildren passionately...and she had the most amazing laugh. I miss her terribly.
May - May brought an onslaught of emotions and experiences. On May 8th, Titan escaped his enclosure and ran out on the road. He was hit by a car...it was dreadful. We believe he was hit during the time we were looking for him. I had never had a pet die that way...I couldn't stop sobbing. I still miss that little booger even though it has been over 6 months. It still brings tears to my eyes to think about him or to even look at his picture. B lost a buddy when Titan passed away...they had a special bond. The day after Titan passed away, I had to go on a White Water Rafting trip as an chaperone. It was difficult to go...but it was a good escape. I had never been white water rafting before, and I absolutely loved it. I was cold the entire time. :) When I returned from the trip, B and I went back up to get another wolf pup...B had told the breeder what had happened, and he offered us another one as he felt it was the only way we would heal...how could we resist when we had wanted a wolf pup so badly? So, we went back up and ended up with Kaos, who is even higher content then Titan was. He is not Titan. But he is our baby. We love him dearly, and we have learned a lot with him. I cannot begin to tell you the joy he has brought us. That same week B and I closed on our house, and got engaged. :) May 16th! It felt so amazing to finally have a place of my own. And to know that someone loved me enough to actually put up with all my craziness and want to marry me!
June - June brought the end of the school year, the end of my job, and moving. It was the month in which I said goodbye to many friends as they moved to different areas, and realized I would no longer be a part of an amazing group of people (my wonderful staff...even though I did not like my job, I loved my staff). It brought a visit from my mom (almost two weeks...that was not easy!), and an insane amount of wedding planning. It brought fishing, and grass mowing and many of my animals together. All the dogs and cats were finally in one place...
July - B's birthday was in July, we spent it at a friend's wedding. We also adopted some horses for the farm, as well as a few goats. We continued our wedding planning...I made the invitations and sent them out. I had my bridal shower back in Delaware, and K flew out to be there with me. It was the first time I had to spend a significant amount of time with many of my family in several years...and so it was a challenge. But I got through. I also binged on books in July. I read an insane amount as I got used to my free time and not having my days planned out. I did however, struggle with what to do with myself and had no motivation to get anything done. I think I just needed a break after a tough year. I also decided to go off my medication in July...I wanted to try and handle things on my own...I don't particularly like anti-depressants...I do not like the way they make you feel. And I felt that since I was no longer stuck in a job I disliked, and was further away from the sadness I had felt in January, that it was time. It seems to have been the right decision.
August - I honestly don't remember much of August. I do believe we started catfishing in August. I'm not the biggest fan. :) I also started this blog in August. My hope in starting the blog was that I would find my love for writing again. I'm still trying to find it. Although I find it somewhat easy to post about my life...I want to WRITE. I want to write stories and compose pieces and I want people to love them and want to read them. I'm still hopeful that I'll get over the writer's block. We also got another wolfdog pup in August. We wanted a friend for Kaos...so we ended up with Cynder. We got Cynder when she was about 6 months...not the ideal time to get a wolfdog if they haven't been appropriately socialized, and she wasn't. In addition, she escaped from us not once (we never thought we'd see her again...it was within the first 24 hours we had her) but twice. We spent several weeks in August trying to catch her, and being very frustrated. It was trying on us emotionally. But we did finally catch her. She is still skittish and scared, but we are still working with her. She has warmed up to me more then B, and I wish we had warmer weather right now so I could spend more time in the kennel with her. I also got thrown from one of the horses in August and wound up with some pretty serious injuries. Twisted my ankle (it still hurts), jammed my back (still going to the chiropractor in hope it will go back to normal), and scraped my arm up. I have a nice scar...and this was all a month before the wedding!
September - Well, hmm. September. :) We spent most of September cleaning up the yard and gardens preparing for our wedding. We got married on September 20th. It was a beautiful day. It defines my September really. I did, however, start teaching a class again with the new school year and also started a new job at a daycare in September...I decided it was time to get out of the house...and I love kids, so I thought it would be perfect. Haha...I was wrong...
October - October was probably one of the most calm months of the year for me. I was saddened by the fact that Teddy, the horse we were fostering was picked up and taken to a new home. On the other hand, B and I made a trip up to the farm and picked up the last of the animals that were up there. So I finally had all of them together. I no longer have to worry about whether they are ok...they are here, and I can go and check on them whenever I want! :)
November - I gave my two MONTHS notice that I was quitting my job on November 1st. The result was that my hours were cut back...in half. I should have given two weeks notice for all that was worth... I decided that working at the daycare was not the place for me. Although I loved the kids, the people I work for are...not the best...and it is an extremely frustrating environment. I continue to look for something new...something that I will look forward to doing...that I am passionate about...that I feel is right for me. It has not been easy. I spent a lot of the month under the weather with a dreaded cold. It SUCKED. The end of the quarter came, and even though I was suprised at the attitudes of my students, I'll probably teach it again next year if I can. B and I celebrated our first Thanksgiving together as a married couple, and it was nice. :) I also started couponing and have become quite addicted...
December - This month has been rather bland. I'm not the biggest fan of holiday shopping, and always had an excuse not to do it before because I was selling trees. Now, I am trying to make it through my first December not being at the lot. It has been both nice (not to have to be outside in the cold and rain) and sad (I miss the people and the smell of the trees). I'm looking forward to my first Christmas in this house with B and spending it with his family. I'm looking forward to the new traditions. I'm looking forward to my last day of work (Friday!) and a short break before I begin substituting.
I guess as I look back on this last year...so much happened. I felt a lot of pain, a lot of hopelessness and also, a lot of joy. This year was a year of change for me. I hope it is not wrong to feel that I hope next year is calmer? I don't want to look back at next year and see so many sad things that happened. Although I struggle some with where life is taking me, I feel that I am also beginning to grow in better ways. I'm starting to move on from things that have haunted me...even though they do sometimes come back and hit me worse. I'm trying to look for the positive things in life, to enjoy them and to enjoy what I have. I have a wonderful, loving husband, a beautiful house and all my furbabies. I have good friends and for the time being, a pretty stable life. I know that not a lot of people have that. I am grateful for what I have.
Here's to hoping that 2009 brings some exciting adventures, and hopefully a new, right job to my life. But mostly, to hoping that my family and friends stay safe and happy.